Should I go for it with my friend?

[FabulousUnicornSparkles]

Name changed to spare my blushes!

LONG

After my marriage broke down I started online dating and met the MOST amazing guy....on the surface we are opposites....I have quite a sensible mum style as I have 2 kiddies and do most school and after school runs....I am a couple of years older....quite sexually vanilla.

He is VERY unconventional....dresses very flamboyantly....heavily tattooed....bisexual and VERY sexually adventurous. When we met he was exploring open relationships and BDSM. So different but so exciting.

The connection was huge and like nothing I ever experienced before.....

I was open with him that I wanted to be in an exclusive relationship before I would sleep with him....he said he was still getting over a recent casual relationship with a woman who was very clingy and refusing to accept their break up so was not ready to commit....so we agreed to be friends....

We kept in touch and had a LOT of great phone sex and he opened my eyes to exploring things.

We both met other people around the same time but kept in touch. Sometimes it did stray into the sexual side of things in conversations...although I was happy with the guy I was dating, sexually it felt like there was something missing because I kept wanting him to do the things my friend had opened my eyes to.

His relationship was an on off nightmare after the first glow wore off....but he was committed to making it work as she was quite vulnerable from previous relationship....and he didn’t want to be another bad experience for her....

They did eventually break up and he came straight to mine and we had THE most incredible sex....I had sensations I’ve never felt before....it was amazing.

He said again that he was staying away from relationships as he was clearly not ready to commit without causing pain....
We still had sex when I was in his town for work ....the connection just got stronger and stronger as friends and as lovers....

We both kept dating other people but nothing long term has happened for me as even when I meet a great guy....I compare him to my amazing friend....

Lockdown has meant we haven’t seen each other but we still speak a lot....not as much as I would like !

I haven’t been dating due to lockdown but he has been dating someone for a few months....He seems very meh with this woman....just not his usual fabulous self and I really feel it would be so much better between us....it’s been a while since we met and neither of us has found anyone else who sparks us like we do together. I feel alive just thinking about him....I know my kids would love him and his kids me....we would be an unusual bunch but happy! He has truly opened my eyes to so many things in life....it feels like an adventure with him!

Should I put all my cards on the table and tell him how I feel ?

Lockdown is making me reassess my life and no matter what situation I look at I think life would be so much better with him in it as my partner in life and love!

You have one thing in common.... sex

That's not the basis for a good relationship, he doesn't seem interested in a relationship and I think because you are willing to be a friend with benefits he is willing to have you stick around. The minute you try to change that dynamic he will run for the hills.

Your amazing connection is in your head- you have filled in the gaps with what you want him to be. In the long run you will realise this and this relationship will not fulfill you.

I don't get the gardening references either? Are they implying the guy is digging graves in the garden? Bit of a stretch, I mean he sounds like an arsehole but not a murderer.

I would actually suggest you do tell him how you feel. Cos I think he's going to dash the fantasy you've built up in your head. That might be enough to stop you clinging on to an unsubstantiated dream that he'll suddenly profess undying love and join your family.

Also this. I do get where you're coming from OP. I got a bit obsessed with a mutual crush myself when I divorced. I honestly think its part of the grieving process tbh. But, eventually, I had to concede that actions speak louder than words. Despite the immense sense of connection I felt to this person, that they honestly encouraged, I had to concede that their actual actions didn't back this up. Their actions weren't those of someone who was "into me" that much. Some people are just able to behave like they really "get" you and that you're the centre of their world and then switch it off, like a lightbulb, as soon as your out of sight.

I don't understand myself. But it happens. Mostly with narcissists and emotionally immature people, unfortunately, and given your description of him I'd be concerned he might fit the bill.

I don't understand it* myself.

@FabulousUnicornSparkles god I’m mortified for you!

Don’t keep embarrassing yourself like this.

He’s in it for the sex. He’s cheating on partners, you’re cheating on partners...

He’s been single and still didn’t want something more.

Honestly this is just cringe. For your own sake, stop!

Enjoy the sex. Stop pretending it’s anything else.

"he did....the child she had for someone else is included on his social media so I know he is telling the truth..."

Op, he is full of shit.

"I really don’t get the gardening references...."

You are very naive OP.

"I came on here to ask for advice about something that excited me....my divorce hit me hard and I didn’t think I would meet anyone who gave me hope of finding a partner I loved as much as I loved my husband.....and now I’m being mocked and called silly....it’s not silly to want to be with someone you love....or to believe in the best of someone who has never hurt me....dating as an older woman and single parent is so hard and lonely.....I don’t deserved to be mocked for that"

No, but you do need to be told you are leaving yourself very vulnerable. You are putting your children at risk and making a fool out of yourself. He is clearly untrustworthy , selfish, unreliable, manipulative and sexually promiscuous.

Block him, delete him and spend some time working on yourself. Stay away from on line dating until you are secure enough in yourself to make informed decisions that affect both you and your children.

@chickenninja

I don't get the gardening references either? Are they implying the guy is digging graves in the garden? Bit of a stretch, I mean he sounds like an arsehole but not a murderer.

Yeah I actually don’t think he sounds that bad as a person, probably really fun. But he’s done monogamy and decided against it.

[quote OhCaptain]@FabulousUnicornSparkles god I’m mortified for you!

Don’t keep embarrassing yourself like this.

He’s in it for the sex. He’s cheating on partners, you’re cheating on partners...

He’s been single and still didn’t want something more.

Honestly this is just cringe. For your own sake, stop!

Enjoy the sex. Stop pretending it’s anything else.[/quote]
I have only ever slept with him when we were both single

The sex is the least of it....I don’t think anyone can fake the friendship we have....do I think he is perfect? of course not....his divorce has left a lot of issues....maybe I am naive about his exes....but I know he is a good man

@ElizabethofpeanutYorkies I would never put my children at risk for anyone....that’s a really nasty thing to say....I hope all of your comments on this thread make you feel better about yourself

@FabulousUnicornSparkles sexting is cheating to any decent person. Seriously.

Would you have liked your DH to be sexting while you were still married?

Do you think whoever you were with at the time deserved that?

It’s not more than sex because you gave him that option and he wasn’t interested.

Now you’re trying to make a fuck buddy into some romance novel hero.

If he wanted you, the relationship would already be happening.

His divorce didn’t leave him with issues that prevent him from being in relationships with other people, only you.

Does that not strike you as (bullshit) strange?

"I would never put my children at risk for anyone....that’s a really nasty thing to say..."

Op, none of us on this thread think him being involved with your children is a good idea. You said your children " would love him" . We all beg to differ.

You’re in the middle of limerance and that’s hard, but OP is right he’s a fuckboy, which is why he’s so good at it.

You’ve taken something that could have been a thrilling adventure and gone and got yourself the “feels”.

He won’t ever settle down, if he did he’d cheat. He’s shown you that clear as day. He’d be an awful disruption for your children so please please don’t.

Oh and he’s already broken your boundaries as you said “I made it clear sex only in a committed relationship” and now it’s “sex when he’s not currently fucking anyone else”.

And “phone sex even if he is fucking someone else”.

Bet he’s telling you all about them as well isn’t he? And making you feel like you’d be a better “one”. Newsflash, they probably think the same about you...

Please step away and find something real.

He sounds vile and a complete nightmare to someone that wants an exclusive relationship, honestly I don't think the feelings would be reciprocated if you told him how you feel he would of made it known a long time ago, this type of man gets off hurting women, using them before he gets bored and on to the next often gloating to the woman involved 'how many other clingy women are after him'
Save the future hurt and give them to a man worth while.

Oh just go for it OP. You'll regret if you don't.

It will either go the way you want, or it won't.

At least you'll know.

How can you have amazing phone sex?? 😅😅

I think you just really fancy this guy..you think hes incredible and exciting and sexy, but you cant think about the future with him..there are no deep feelings there it's just lust. Dont even consider involving your children!!

@ElizabethofpeanutYorkies

"he has been fearful of deeply committing after his divorce so has been dating a lot....the relationships don’t last more than a few months.."

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

This

@FabulousUnicornSparkles
Yoi will be used and consigned to the bunny boiler bin when real life kicks in

I also stopped using the word “amazing” quite as liberally as you do when I was around 19

I don’t think this thread is real... but OP if it is real, it’s going to end in tears. Don’t say you weren’t warned!

He shags around, goes from one woman to another, slags off his ex and current girlfriends to you, you told him you wouldn't sleep with him until you were exclusive, you dropped this boundary and had sex with him and then he started shagging another woman - well, he certainly knows how to pick women that will respond to this nonsense, doesnt he!

I always wondered who actually responded positively to these vile men on OLD. OP you sound very naive and he is not a relationship prospect. More likely an STD prospect. He is not going to settle down. What he will do is continue to shag around. You will become the "ex" that he criticises to the next gullible woman for being too clingy.

You need to develop better boundaries and the ability to see through bullshit! By all means, if you are happy with casual, no-strings-attached sex, use him for that but don't invent a fantasy that you are going to be a lovely little family.

you say he’s bisexual op. Has he ever told you about any men he’s dated since you’ve known him?

For me I wouldn’t ever be ok with dating a bisexual man. I wouldnt know if I was what he truly wanted. I think you’ve got swept along with the excitement and are a bit of a daydreamer ( like me! ) and I think you’ve been treated really harshly on here to be honest.

I will try and articulate what I’m trying to say kindly. If you decide to tell your friend how you truly feel then you need to be prepared to lose him too. You say he lives in another town and has children? How would that work logistically?
I’ve no doubt there is an amazing friendship here and a deep connection but it may be just that. I hope it all works out for you

To be fair @Kittykat93 you can have an amazing phone sex, I did with my 6 month, rebound after a decades of marriage guy.

It was intense and amazing, he has the most wolf like blue eyes, we were deeply in love but couldn’t be together for various angsty reasons. We travelled together, had a beautiful time. I ended it eventually as I couldn’t give him what he wanted and another woman could. It was AMAZING!!!

Until of course he cracked on again last year, 4 years after the AMAZINGNESS and I realised actually he’s a bit of a waster with a pencil dick and very few skills who needs congratulating for those he does have. Because I’m further and more jaded from that post marriage new man buzz and I’m just grateful that clearly the beautiful “angst” was actually my common sense and mothering instincts thinking FUCK no

OP it’s lovely but time for the fake ride to be over before you actually involve your kids. You’ll look back and think WTF I promise, but treasure the memories.

@StealthRoast thank you for being so honest with kindness....maybe I am naive and stupid and desperate as some posters here have said....I am trying to rebuild a life I lost....it is not easy....I think there are some here who gets kicks out of being cruel to others.....they might think life will never deal them a bad hand or that if it does they will act perfectly....I used to think that too....being cruel to be kind is just an excuse to be cruel

Don’t mistake straight talking for cruelty
If you are doing that it’s because you deep down already know it’s doomed and as a result you are clinging on to anyone who will tell you to go for it even though you know the outcome

Don’t kid yourself
He sounds a nightmare a team snake oil salesman

@BrownFootStool

Oh just go for it OP. You'll regret if you don't.

It will either go the way you want, or it won't.

At least you'll know.

Thanks @BrownFootStool.

I think it is still worth having a conversation....but taking on board what some of the kinder posters have made....being realistic about how it would work, boundaries....I was never suggesting that if he wanted to give things a go that I would introduce him to my children straight away....or expect to be introduced to his....I would never rush things or expect us to be playing happy families from day one

Good God, no - he sounds like a total user. If he wanted to be with you he would’ve done so by now.

But he's been dating someone else for several months!

You're the person that has decided you don't think she's right for him and you'd be better. Just because you've decided he's not his usual fabulous self with her isn't the basis for offering yourself instead.

Don't be a fool.