Should I go for it with my friend?

[FabulousUnicornSparkles]

Name changed to spare my blushes!

LONG

After my marriage broke down I started online dating and met the MOST amazing guy....on the surface we are opposites....I have quite a sensible mum style as I have 2 kiddies and do most school and after school runs....I am a couple of years older....quite sexually vanilla.

He is VERY unconventional....dresses very flamboyantly....heavily tattooed....bisexual and VERY sexually adventurous. When we met he was exploring open relationships and BDSM. So different but so exciting.

The connection was huge and like nothing I ever experienced before.....

I was open with him that I wanted to be in an exclusive relationship before I would sleep with him....he said he was still getting over a recent casual relationship with a woman who was very clingy and refusing to accept their break up so was not ready to commit....so we agreed to be friends....

We kept in touch and had a LOT of great phone sex and he opened my eyes to exploring things.

We both met other people around the same time but kept in touch. Sometimes it did stray into the sexual side of things in conversations...although I was happy with the guy I was dating, sexually it felt like there was something missing because I kept wanting him to do the things my friend had opened my eyes to.

His relationship was an on off nightmare after the first glow wore off....but he was committed to making it work as she was quite vulnerable from previous relationship....and he didn’t want to be another bad experience for her....

They did eventually break up and he came straight to mine and we had THE most incredible sex....I had sensations I’ve never felt before....it was amazing.

He said again that he was staying away from relationships as he was clearly not ready to commit without causing pain....
We still had sex when I was in his town for work ....the connection just got stronger and stronger as friends and as lovers....

We both kept dating other people but nothing long term has happened for me as even when I meet a great guy....I compare him to my amazing friend....

Lockdown has meant we haven’t seen each other but we still speak a lot....not as much as I would like !

I haven’t been dating due to lockdown but he has been dating someone for a few months....He seems very meh with this woman....just not his usual fabulous self and I really feel it would be so much better between us....it’s been a while since we met and neither of us has found anyone else who sparks us like we do together. I feel alive just thinking about him....I know my kids would love him and his kids me....we would be an unusual bunch but happy! He has truly opened my eyes to so many things in life....it feels like an adventure with him!

Should I put all my cards on the table and tell him how I feel ?

Lockdown is making me reassess my life and no matter what situation I look at I think life would be so much better with him in it as my partner in life and love!

I think your in this dream like state of lust .
He’s been in relationships but not with you . Your sleeping with him on and off so your not really friends .
Take a step back and really think about this and how he is with relationships.
The sex may be great but is it worth all this heartache in the long run ? .

He sounds like what I would call a charmer. Great at making you feel special and the centre of their world. Seems very alive, different and exciting. Not many people have that kind of charisma and it is seductive, especially when you fancy them like mad. It's only skin deep though. Push for more and there won't be much there. Probably most of the women he meets feel exactly as you do.

If someone or something seems almost too good to be true, then they probably are, unfortunately.

It may just be me but I wouldn’t trust a man or a women who have 1 or 2 ex’s that struggle to move on from them!!
To me that means your a dick and you mess people up.

You sound extremely gullible there's a reason he's divorced and there's a reason behind those "physco"exs who won't go away. He's a bullshitter and is like a pig in shit.

OP! If this were the other way round I’d say you were cuntstruck

Go and have a cold shower. Done that? OK - this bloke is like heroin - he makes you feel alive and he’s very more-ish. He doesn’t give two shits about you, beyond some entertainment in the moment. Don’t believe a word he says about his relationships with anyone, he’s all about the drama, and about rushing through life and grabbing the fun bits.

He does not want depth, or to meet your kids, neither is he interested in you beyond a wild night.

I suspect you will lay your cards on the table regardless, but I hope the posts here will make you realise that an epic shag is all you’re getting, (have fun and please use a condom)

OK let's put this simply.

You told him no sex without relationship. He didn't want you.

He cheated on a partner with you by having phone sex. This is the start of him reeling you in and seeing what you'll put up with. He still doesn't want you.

He dumps partner and goes straight to yours for sympathy sex. You having been groomed drop your knickers instantly. He still doesn't want you.

You offer a relationship again. He says no, but still comes back for sex. He still doesn't want you.

He goes out with other people, despite not wanting a relationship. A clue here: he just doesn't want you.

He uses you for sex and sex alone. You're an easy shag. But he doesn't want you.

Are you seeing the pattern yet?

He. Doesn't. Want. You.
He. Doesn't. Want. You.
He. Doesn't. Want. You.
He. Doesn't. Want. You.
He. Doesn't. Want. You.
He. Doesn't. Want. You.

Ask if you want to again, for a third time. But he doesn't want you.

Is this a treatment for a Mills and boon? I hear they're a bit racy these days

Yes you are intoxicated and in love with the fantasy. No advice you receive here will change what you do.
Go for it - tell him how you feel

You feel like people are being cruel because you don't want to hear what the overwhelming advice is.
You will regret this further down the line when you're an ex of some description that can't quite get over him along with the others he has left trailing.
You're defending him and saying to yourself that it's because we don't 'know' the amazing friendship or the 'real' him, but I'd bet my bottom dollar that you don't know the real (relationship) him either.
Anyone can be excellent in bed, that's not a good enough reason to lose your mind and ignore all of these glaringly red flags!
Take a step back and a bit of time to take off the rose tinted glasses.
He really doesn't appear to be that into you 💐

@partyatthepalace

OP! If this were the other way round I’d say you were cuntstruck

Go and have a cold shower. Done that? OK - this bloke is like heroin - he makes you feel alive and he’s very more-ish. He doesn’t give two shits about you, beyond some entertainment in the moment. Don’t believe a word he says about his relationships with anyone, he’s all about the drama, and about rushing through life and grabbing the fun bits.

He does not want depth, or to meet your kids, neither is he interested in you beyond a wild night.

I suspect you will lay your cards on the table regardless, but I hope the posts here will make you realise that an epic shag is all you’re getting, (have fun and please use a condom)

I believe the female equivalent of cuntstruck is 'dicknotized'

Agree with the rest of your post too.

OP, this ones not the marrying kind. He is indeed a fuckboy. Great fun but not for going all doe eyed over. Enjoy the sex for what it is, and when it's not fun anymore stop.

@ElizabethofpeanutYorkies

"he has been fearful of deeply committing after his divorce so has been dating a lot....the relationships don’t last more than a few months.."

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

This 😂 honestly I’ve been there . It’s hurts but you’re quietly deluding yourself. If he wanted you he’d be there and then some . It’s as simple as that. He doesn’t need to put in the effort because he’s already been there and with minimal effort appears to still have you there . It’s a win win ...... for him .

If he genuinely liked you, he'd have told you by now and would take a punt at a relationship.

I sorry but I don't think this will work out for you.

Also your feelings towards his sound mainly sexual. When the relationship settles I suspect you'll find lots about him that you don't particularly like and the sex will likely dwindle.

Go for personality over sex. And go for someone similar to you.

I'm sorry OP but you sound deluded.

All he wants to do is fuck who he wants and when he wants. It isnt fun its sick an twisted. He has told you and he will never ever change. His exes have probably said the exact same as you. All he gives a dam about is himself and filling his dirty pleasures. You need to think about your sexual health and your kids ffs.
I bet he is on swingers sites and grinder and all that shit. Its filthy.

It was probably fun at the beginning but it won't be after and you have obviously got feelings for him now so are dreaming for him to be different. It ain't like that with them they are selfish.
Sorry thats harsh but I was lied to and found out he was doing everything behind my back and it destroyed me. He covered everything up.

@CakeRequired

OK let's put this simply.

You told him no sex without relationship. He didn't want you.

He cheated on a partner with you by having phone sex. This is the start of him reeling you in and seeing what you'll put up with. He still doesn't want you.

He dumps partner and goes straight to yours for sympathy sex. You having been groomed drop your knickers instantly. He still doesn't want you.

You offer a relationship again. He says no, but still comes back for sex. He still doesn't want you.

He goes out with other people, despite not wanting a relationship. A clue here: he just doesn't want you.

He uses you for sex and sex alone. You're an easy shag. But he doesn't want you.

Are you seeing the pattern yet?

He. Doesn't. Want. You.
He. Doesn't. Want. You.
He. Doesn't. Want. You.
He. Doesn't. Want. You.
He. Doesn't. Want. You.
He. Doesn't. Want. You.

Ask if you want to again, for a third time. But he doesn't want you.

Brilliant post. 🙌

I'm so sorry OP. I can see you desperately want to believe in this guy & the opportunity for a relationship.

It's not going to happen. He's using you. And you deserve much, much better 💐

If he wanted you why would he keep dating and having relationships and sex with other people who weren’t you? I imagine he has quite a few FWB relationships on the go too. You are an FWB. And it’s great that you have a lovely time with this man, but he’s for breakfast, not dinner.

I've got sympathy for you op I am in a similar situationship with a guy I really like and could see a future with.
He on the other hand has categorically said that he is not interested in a relationship/future with me (he could see I was developing feelings for him).
I was gutted and we stopped seeing each other.
After a couple of months dating other guys I really missed him so much, and contacted him (probably should have deleted his number, but the sex was so good) to suggest another go at being fuck buddies and nothing more.
He's happy with that, and I just have to put up with the fact that he's probably screwing other women and he will never be interested in being in my life other than for sex.

@SoledOut

I've got sympathy for you op I am in a similar situationship with a guy I really like and could see a future with. He on the other hand has categorically said that he is not interested in a relationship/future with me (he could see I was developing feelings for him). I was gutted and we stopped seeing each other. After a couple of months dating other guys I really missed him so much, and contacted him (probably should have deleted his number, but the sex was so good) to suggest another go at being fuck buddies and nothing more. He's happy with that, and I just have to put up with the fact that he's probably screwing other women and he will never be interested in being in my life other than for sex.

Give your head a shake. You deserve far better than just being his fuck buddy. I know you're kidding yourself deep down and hoping he will change. HE WON'T. He may even give you an std from these other women he's sleeping with too. Is that what you want?

You deserve better, even if you don't think it. Dump him, delete his number and move on. Don't date yet, you're not ready. Be single for a while until you're happy and don't miss him. Then date.

@CakeRequired couldn’t have put it better myself!

@FabulousUnicornSparkles OP I think you should block and delete this guy and focus on yourself and your children. It really does seem
that all he wants is sex. I understand you were hurt by your divorce and want to find happiness again, but he is the least you deserve, and you're just opening yourself up to being hurt further down the line when he won't commit further.

...And @CakeRequired has summed things up
Brilliantly.

@FabulousUnicornSparkles

I get why people are being cautious or negative about it and there is some food for thought in many of the comments. There are some points for concern in how you have described the situation, but obviously we can't get the entire picture from one post.

But in life we have to go for things we want. The outcome isn't always certain. There is risk in matters of love but I would rather try for something and not get it, than not try at all. It sounds like the guy has already enriched your life. Even if it all goes pear-shaped eventually, nothing can take that away from you.

Thank you to everyone who has commented....especially those of you who took the time to give hard advice with kindness.....

I had the conversation last night.....he had already broken up with the current girlfriend as I guessed would happen......he decided over Christmas that he was fed up of casual relationships ending in drama and wants to try again with the woman he had dumped just before I met him....the same woman who he has called needy and clingy and a nightmare....they have been seeing each other on and off the whole time

As part of him changing his ways for her....he has said our relationship can be a platonic friendship only....he values my friendship and support but understands if I don’t want to continue speaking to him....

He is starting counselling to work on his issues with cheating....has deleted all the dating apps, blocked all of the people he has been casually dating since he split with her....he doesn’t even know if she will agree to get back together but will do whatever he can to show her he is a changed man....

I spent a lot of time looking at her social media last night...she is younger...no kids....quite arty....more his type than me

I feel very foolish....and hurt....I will be taking a break from dating for a long while

Ouch, sorry to hear he has made that choice. A lucky escape, you've enjoyed all the good stuff he had to offer without getting too deeply in to be seriously hurt in a life changing way. It seems his external narrative is not all there is to know. If she's only a clingy nightmare why would he be heading back to her. Clearly there is more going on for him than he shares and for that reason he can be an incredible fling but not a solid partner for life. Amazing you had that with him though. Sounded fun!

You built a connection with someone and opened yourself to someone a bit different to you! Don't beat yourself up, try to enjoy it for what it was and try to move on. Be nice to yourself and in time you will build a connection with someone else. Don't feel foolish, I think in time you will look back and understand how you've been swept away.

I think soon you will see him for who he is, he is now wanting to be with someone he has slagged.off to you. He has many issues, try and be glad that you aren't the person getting tangled up even more emotionally with him than you already have been xx