Should I go for it with my friend?

[FabulousUnicornSparkles]

Name changed to spare my blushes!

LONG

After my marriage broke down I started online dating and met the MOST amazing guy....on the surface we are opposites....I have quite a sensible mum style as I have 2 kiddies and do most school and after school runs....I am a couple of years older....quite sexually vanilla.

He is VERY unconventional....dresses very flamboyantly....heavily tattooed....bisexual and VERY sexually adventurous. When we met he was exploring open relationships and BDSM. So different but so exciting.

The connection was huge and like nothing I ever experienced before.....

I was open with him that I wanted to be in an exclusive relationship before I would sleep with him....he said he was still getting over a recent casual relationship with a woman who was very clingy and refusing to accept their break up so was not ready to commit....so we agreed to be friends....

We kept in touch and had a LOT of great phone sex and he opened my eyes to exploring things.

We both met other people around the same time but kept in touch. Sometimes it did stray into the sexual side of things in conversations...although I was happy with the guy I was dating, sexually it felt like there was something missing because I kept wanting him to do the things my friend had opened my eyes to.

His relationship was an on off nightmare after the first glow wore off....but he was committed to making it work as she was quite vulnerable from previous relationship....and he didn’t want to be another bad experience for her....

They did eventually break up and he came straight to mine and we had THE most incredible sex....I had sensations I’ve never felt before....it was amazing.

He said again that he was staying away from relationships as he was clearly not ready to commit without causing pain....
We still had sex when I was in his town for work ....the connection just got stronger and stronger as friends and as lovers....

We both kept dating other people but nothing long term has happened for me as even when I meet a great guy....I compare him to my amazing friend....

Lockdown has meant we haven’t seen each other but we still speak a lot....not as much as I would like !

I haven’t been dating due to lockdown but he has been dating someone for a few months....He seems very meh with this woman....just not his usual fabulous self and I really feel it would be so much better between us....it’s been a while since we met and neither of us has found anyone else who sparks us like we do together. I feel alive just thinking about him....I know my kids would love him and his kids me....we would be an unusual bunch but happy! He has truly opened my eyes to so many things in life....it feels like an adventure with him!

Should I put all my cards on the table and tell him how I feel ?

Lockdown is making me reassess my life and no matter what situation I look at I think life would be so much better with him in it as my partner in life and love!

@prawncocktailpringles that is such a kind and lovely thing to say, thank you so much

@Fanacker1

Do you have everything you need for your article now OP?

@Fanacker1 that would be a fairly pathetic article.....middle aged single mum being humiliated by online dating....I think I’ve read that one before

"that would be a fairly pathetic article.....middle aged single mum being humiliated by online dating....I think I’ve read that one before"

Yes, imagine reading an article like that and that have it happen to you in real life.

@ElizabethofpeanutYorkies did you actually read the rest of my posts or are you just that selective?

If you can’t see support for someone in pain, get some emotive reading glasses.

You can't even know if she exists. He might just have given you a story to extricate himself.

Sorry OP but I find it all a bit hard to follow in chronology etc. The main thing is that it is indeed weird he never mentioned her significance. And both of you seem to have had so many 'relationships', as well as having been the deepest and closest friends.

What happened in your divorce? How old are the children and how long have you been on your own? 'Reliable but dull' - was that your husband's reason?

Have you had an STI test? Leopards rarely change their spots and it is unlikely she’ll get the happily ever after. He is torturing you by messaging you about this relationship knowing you have feelings for him. Take back control and block him. This feels very empowering! You had amazing sex and it has opened your eyes to what you want sexually. That’s great! Now go and find that with someone who also wants more than a non-exclusive friends with benefits relationship with you. You are worth so much more than how he treated you.

Honestly? No. I wouldn't. I knlw guys like this and I really don't think you'll end up having your happily ever after with someone like this.

Just RTFT. Sorry OP. That must have been painful but you had a REALLY lucky escape. The kind of lines he was feeding you seem so textbook like he was probably saying it to all of the others too. I know it feels like you two had a special connection but guys like this are excellent at making everyone think they have a special connection with him! I bet all the other women thought they did too.

In time you'll find someone without 'issues' (AKA being a sex-obsessed-commitment-phobic-two-timing-cheating loser with 1000 good lines and 1000 girlfriends) and you'll be so better off. Getting involved with him would only have meant heartbreak for you in the not-so-distant future.

One day soon you'll be glad this happened, you'll be happy in a healthy relationship and he'll still be flitting between women until one day he realises he's ended up all alone and nobody wants him anymore.

Seems to be how these things go.

If you want colour in your life, take some time to figure out how you can bring colour to your life. You don't need someone else to bring it

Sympathies OP I can see that you’ll feel the loss of having him in your life and the excitement of possibility.

But honestly.... do you think one woman would ever be enough for him? I don’t. And sounds like his partner he went back to is already feeling insecure with getting him to block people on SM.
I think he sounds charismatic and that you formed a good connection with him but the problem with people like that is that they will look to do that with lots of people and not be satisfied with one.

Ok some of these posters developed a bias against him the moment they read about him being 'unconventional.' Not sure about the snarky comments about you having met him online, there are an awful lot of threads about OLD.

HOWEVER, why won't he commit to you but other women are fine?

@borntohula

Ok some of these posters developed a bias against him the moment they read about him being 'unconventional.' Not sure about the snarky comments about you having met him online, there are an awful lot of threads about OLD.

HOWEVER, why won't he commit to you but other women are fine?

Think you might want to read the rest of ops replies. There's a reason we think he'd a piece of shit that isn't good enough for anything. There's a button at the top of the page to see all ops posts.

@CakeRequired ok I stand by my observation.

Sorry OP, he sounds very fake and yeah, you're no longer useful to him so he sacks you off? Nice. If I was 'love of someone's life' I'd be seriously unimpressed about them using another woman at the same time as trying it on with me.

You poor thing, OP. I've been through similar years ago.
What can I say? You have dodged a MASSIVE MASSIVE bullet. He is a complete and utter, utter, utter mess. And you've been played. And the woman he's- ahem- "changing for" () is being played.

OP, one of my oldest friends, for whom I once fell hard, is a carbon copy of this guy. He's played everyone, even the women he's 'changed' for. You really can't have a stable life with this guy. Nobody can, if it's of some cold comfort. I'd hate to live inside his head. Your kids don't need all of that. He'd have brought nothing but instability and dramatics to the scene.

@FabulousUnicornSparkles I agree with @TheVanguardSix. He is not biologically wired for a stable relationship - whereas I would imagine you are. You are not compatible. I doubt his next relationship will work either - as he will be looking for his next fix. And don’t allow yourself to be his fix, because he will be back in touch with you.

This man is a head fuck, a complete nightmare. Yiu need to write him off OP and you need to be a little bit tougher when dealing with men who shag around.

I think he's just making up excuses to keep you happy. One woman will never be enough fir him. He thinks the rules don't apply to him, because he can get away with breaking them. And he's become very good at being fake charming and manipulative. He's so far duwn this road that there's no help for him

How does he even have time to hold down a job? Just the the amount of time he must spend on messaging all these different women alone, never mind the shagging around. Or is he one of those that have their own business, and uses it to meet women?

@RealisticSketch

I don't think people know enough to be able to say you were conned or taken for a ride. Some people can quite genuinely connect have all kinds of meaningful emotions which don't subsequently develop in a hoped for direction and not be acting in a cold calculating way which is pre meditated to take advantage. Not everyone, even men, are consciously toying with people when they tie themselves in knots emotionally. People sometimes lack integrity in one way but not another.

This 100%