Should I go for it with my friend?

[FabulousUnicornSparkles]

Name changed to spare my blushes!

LONG

After my marriage broke down I started online dating and met the MOST amazing guy....on the surface we are opposites....I have quite a sensible mum style as I have 2 kiddies and do most school and after school runs....I am a couple of years older....quite sexually vanilla.

He is VERY unconventional....dresses very flamboyantly....heavily tattooed....bisexual and VERY sexually adventurous. When we met he was exploring open relationships and BDSM. So different but so exciting.

The connection was huge and like nothing I ever experienced before.....

I was open with him that I wanted to be in an exclusive relationship before I would sleep with him....he said he was still getting over a recent casual relationship with a woman who was very clingy and refusing to accept their break up so was not ready to commit....so we agreed to be friends....

We kept in touch and had a LOT of great phone sex and he opened my eyes to exploring things.

We both met other people around the same time but kept in touch. Sometimes it did stray into the sexual side of things in conversations...although I was happy with the guy I was dating, sexually it felt like there was something missing because I kept wanting him to do the things my friend had opened my eyes to.

His relationship was an on off nightmare after the first glow wore off....but he was committed to making it work as she was quite vulnerable from previous relationship....and he didn’t want to be another bad experience for her....

They did eventually break up and he came straight to mine and we had THE most incredible sex....I had sensations I’ve never felt before....it was amazing.

He said again that he was staying away from relationships as he was clearly not ready to commit without causing pain....
We still had sex when I was in his town for work ....the connection just got stronger and stronger as friends and as lovers....

We both kept dating other people but nothing long term has happened for me as even when I meet a great guy....I compare him to my amazing friend....

Lockdown has meant we haven’t seen each other but we still speak a lot....not as much as I would like !

I haven’t been dating due to lockdown but he has been dating someone for a few months....He seems very meh with this woman....just not his usual fabulous self and I really feel it would be so much better between us....it’s been a while since we met and neither of us has found anyone else who sparks us like we do together. I feel alive just thinking about him....I know my kids would love him and his kids me....we would be an unusual bunch but happy! He has truly opened my eyes to so many things in life....it feels like an adventure with him!

Should I put all my cards on the table and tell him how I feel ?

Lockdown is making me reassess my life and no matter what situation I look at I think life would be so much better with him in it as my partner in life and love!

You got yourself a fuckboy darling x

If he wanted to be with you in a full time committed relationship he would.

He told you right from the beginning what he wanted - no strings attached fun, and you are providing that.

Why would he want to change your current relationship status when he has what he wanted?

If you’re not happy with it then I’d suggest telling him that you’re happy to have explored your sexuality with him - which is great by the way! But now you want a committed relationship, he’s either in or out and either way I’d wish him the best and personally I’d remain loose friends if he chooses not to, but obviously that’s an entirely personal thing.

I've just re-read. You ask whether you should tell him how you feel, but you did do that at the beginning, didn't you? You said you wanted an exclusive relationship. Throughout the time you've known him he's had a few partners yet he's never come to you and said, "I want to be in an exclusive relationship with you."

That's because he doesn't want it. Nothing personal, but he wants the freedom to shag around.

Aw OP he’s clearly an intoxicating type. Why do you think these women “find it hard to move on from him”? That’s literally the situation you’re in now you big llama.

Putting it frankly, everything you say that makes you think what “you have” is special are things on your side only. He has opened your eyes sexually, new sensations, you want to speak to him more than you do, you think he would be a great partner, no one else measures up for you. As others have said you’ve fallen for him hard.

NONE of this is about what he thinks/wants/believes though is it. There’s nothing in there that makes me think he’d like to give up his super fun life of serial brief sexual relationships (and a side of phone sex with you and who knows how many others) for steady partnership with you. You know this in your heart.

Plus he’s ALREADY refused a monogamous relationship with you once. Now he’s cracked you and gets to shag you without one, sadly your magic vagina won’t make him change his mind either.

He’ll always be the one that got away and he sounds loads of fun but he is CRAP boyfriend material and you need to ditch this dream before you get hurt.

@blissfulllife

You got yourself a fuckboy darling x

Beautifully concise

He's just out for no strings shagging. If he wanted to be with you he would have said so. He told you that's what he wants. It sounds like you're building up a fantasy in your head.

This has got to be a wind up.

"He has been married before but has been divorced for a long time....I have been to his house so know there isn’t a secret wife "

Thank god his ex wife is at least safe.

Just out of interest, has he had any new patio work?

@HollowTalk

I've just re-read. You ask whether you should tell him how you feel, but you did do that at the beginning, didn't you? You said you wanted an exclusive relationship. Throughout the time you've known him he's had a few partners yet he's never come to you and said, "I want to be in an exclusive relationship with you."

That's because he doesn't want it. Nothing personal, but he wants the freedom to shag around.

I wanted an exclusive relationship before we had sex....that was a boundary I wasn’t going to break for someone I had only been on a few dates with

Since then we have built an amazing friendship....even without the sex we are great friends who can talk for hours about everything and anything....that’s what’s changed....yes the sex is amazing but the connection as people is what makes me want to put my feelings out....he knows I value him deeply....we have not ever spoken about us trying a relationship as I could see he still had many issues from his divorce.....his ex wife makes his life very difficult....and he didn’t want to bring a serious relationship into that as she reacts very badly...she’s fine with causal relationships as she knows her kids will never meet them

@ElizabethofpeanutYorkies

"He has been married before but has been divorced for a long time....I have been to his house so know there isn’t a secret wife "

Thank god his ex wife is at least safe.

Just out of interest, has he had any new patio work?

Patio? No?

I would say he is the one safe from his ex wife from what he has said...

You realise you've now given him exactly what he said he wanted? An open relationship?

Why on Earth would he change the status quo? He's got exactly what he wants.

Oh, and please refrain from dating any other poor, unfortunate guys until this guy is completely out of the picture. If a man had been carrying on the way you have, he'd be called (quite rightly) a creep.

Please don't be a creep.

..we have not ever spoken about us trying a relationship

Typo - we have not even spoken about us trying a relationship ship since then

"I would say he is the one safe from his ex wife from what he has said..."

😂😂Yeah, i bet she was a right nutter.

.... again and in no way connected... any disturbed earth/ freshly dug soil in his garden? Bonfires with old tyres on? Bags of lime?

Oh OP, enjoy the buzz and the shagging if you want. But for your own sanity don't create fairy tale castles in the sky filled with blended families because it really really isn't going to happen with this guy.

(and in the unlikely scenario it ever did, you know he'd still be juggling phone sex with lots of other randoms)

Enjoy him for what he is and what he gives you, but don't get all white picket fence about it!

So he has said previously he only wants casual relationships?

Just because you've become friends with benefits I don't think that means he'd suddenly want a serious relationship. He's previously said that's not what suits him and his family set up, which does include his ex.

@Anonanonon

You realise you've now given him exactly what he said he wanted? An open relationship?

Why on Earth would he change the status quo? He's got exactly what he wants.

Oh, and please refrain from dating any other poor, unfortunate guys until this guy is completely out of the picture. If a man had been carrying on the way you have, he'd be called (quite rightly) a creep.

Please don't be a creep.

We don’t have an open relationship @Anonanonon. We are close friends who dated but never been in a committed relationship....

We have had sex a few times....but always when we were both single....there were 18 months between the relationships I have known him to be in....the phone sex happened once in the early days of his relationship....so I think it’s unfair to say I have been a creep....I ended all of the relationships I was in once I realised they were not for me....and respectfully I hope

The reason I wanted to say something now is because I know the current relationship won’t last....even of the causal dates he’s had none have stayed friends like we have....I think it could be the right time for us

@ElizabethofpeanutYorkies

"I would say he is the one safe from his ex wife from what he has said..."

😂😂Yeah, i bet she was a right nutter.

.... again and in no way connected... any disturbed earth/ freshly dug soil in his garden? Bonfires with old tyres on? Bags of lime?

She was very abusive....she cheated on him, got pregnant by someone else when they were in a trial separation....withholds access to the kids when she’s mad at him and is generally very unpleasant....

I don’t understand the gardening references?

@Mandalayblonde

Oh OP, enjoy the buzz and the shagging if you want. But for your own sanity don't create fairy tale castles in the sky filled with blended families because it really really isn't going to happen with this guy.

(and in the unlikely scenario it ever did, you know he'd still be juggling phone sex with lots of other randoms)

Enjoy him for what he is and what he gives you, but don't get all white picket fence about it!

thank you @Mandalayblonde....maybe you are right

@frogswimming

So he has said previously he only wants casual relationships?

Just because you've become friends with benefits I don't think that means he'd suddenly want a serious relationship. He's previously said that's not what suits him and his family set up, which does include his ex.

When we first met....yes

A lot has happened since then....feel it’s worth a shot asking if now is the time for us....but the other posts are giving me pause for thought

"She was very abusive....she cheated on him, got pregnant by someone else when they were in a trial separation....withholds access to the kids when she’s mad at him and is generally very unpleasant...."

Who told you all that?

"I don’t understand the gardening references?"

I believe you!

You have neither listened to him nor yourself.

Him quite clearly: "i do not want a relationship with you." But instead of accepting this, you are analysing his reasons for any indication you can change this. And building fantasies of hope in your head, with absolutely no hints from him that he'd be interested in try or being involved with your kids. Not at the start and not now with this fantastic connection and great sex.

You : "I won't sleep with you unless it's a committed relationship." Well that ship has long sailed.

Having a friendship and sex is all he sounds interested in. All the 'we' have a connection, 'we' had great sex is all projection on your part. You've no idea what he thinks. You're just persuading yourself he feels like you do.

I would actually suggest you do tell him how you feel. Cos I think he's going to dash the fantasy you've built up in your head. That might be enough to stop you clinging on to an unsubstantiated dream that he'll suddenly profess undying love and join your family.

I know you think we're all being harsh, but this is a tale as old of mumsnet. And it's never ended well.

@ElizabethofpeanutYorkies he did....the child she had for someone else is included on his social media so I know he is telling the truth...

I really don’t get the gardening references....I came on here to ask for advice about something that excited me....my divorce hit me hard and I didn’t think I would meet anyone who gave me hope of finding a partner I loved as much as I loved my husband.....and now I’m being mocked and called silly....it’s not silly to want to be with someone you love....or to believe in the best of someone who has never hurt me....dating as an older woman and single parent is so hard and lonely.....I don’t deserved to be mocked for that

Erm...

He is feeding you every line to keep you hanging on and you are lapping it up. Stop offering excuses. If he wanted to be with you, he would.

But he doesn't. He wants you as wank material.

What a nice guy.

We have had sex a few times....but always when we were both single...

Yes, but then he wasn't single. And then he was again. And then he wasn't.

You might not officially named it as such, but if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck... it suits his needs.

But how can you say he’s never hurt you when he’s cheated on partners with you and been in other relationships but not with you, despite stringing you along all this time knowing how you feel?

That’s horrible of him, I think people are just trying to get you to see that