Should I go for it with my friend?

[FabulousUnicornSparkles]

Name changed to spare my blushes!

LONG

After my marriage broke down I started online dating and met the MOST amazing guy....on the surface we are opposites....I have quite a sensible mum style as I have 2 kiddies and do most school and after school runs....I am a couple of years older....quite sexually vanilla.

He is VERY unconventional....dresses very flamboyantly....heavily tattooed....bisexual and VERY sexually adventurous. When we met he was exploring open relationships and BDSM. So different but so exciting.

The connection was huge and like nothing I ever experienced before.....

I was open with him that I wanted to be in an exclusive relationship before I would sleep with him....he said he was still getting over a recent casual relationship with a woman who was very clingy and refusing to accept their break up so was not ready to commit....so we agreed to be friends....

We kept in touch and had a LOT of great phone sex and he opened my eyes to exploring things.

We both met other people around the same time but kept in touch. Sometimes it did stray into the sexual side of things in conversations...although I was happy with the guy I was dating, sexually it felt like there was something missing because I kept wanting him to do the things my friend had opened my eyes to.

His relationship was an on off nightmare after the first glow wore off....but he was committed to making it work as she was quite vulnerable from previous relationship....and he didn’t want to be another bad experience for her....

They did eventually break up and he came straight to mine and we had THE most incredible sex....I had sensations I’ve never felt before....it was amazing.

He said again that he was staying away from relationships as he was clearly not ready to commit without causing pain....
We still had sex when I was in his town for work ....the connection just got stronger and stronger as friends and as lovers....

We both kept dating other people but nothing long term has happened for me as even when I meet a great guy....I compare him to my amazing friend....

Lockdown has meant we haven’t seen each other but we still speak a lot....not as much as I would like !

I haven’t been dating due to lockdown but he has been dating someone for a few months....He seems very meh with this woman....just not his usual fabulous self and I really feel it would be so much better between us....it’s been a while since we met and neither of us has found anyone else who sparks us like we do together. I feel alive just thinking about him....I know my kids would love him and his kids me....we would be an unusual bunch but happy! He has truly opened my eyes to so many things in life....it feels like an adventure with him!

Should I put all my cards on the table and tell him how I feel ?

Lockdown is making me reassess my life and no matter what situation I look at I think life would be so much better with him in it as my partner in life and love!

@FabulousUnicornSparkles

Thank you to everyone who has commented....especially those of you who took the time to give hard advice with kindness.....

I had the conversation last night.....he had already broken up with the current girlfriend as I guessed would happen......he decided over Christmas that he was fed up of casual relationships ending in drama and wants to try again with the woman he had dumped just before I met him....the same woman who he has called needy and clingy and a nightmare....they have been seeing each other on and off the whole time

As part of him changing his ways for her....he has said our relationship can be a platonic friendship only....he values my friendship and support but understands if I don’t want to continue speaking to him....

He is starting counselling to work on his issues with cheating....has deleted all the dating apps, blocked all of the people he has been casually dating since he split with her....he doesn’t even know if she will agree to get back together but will do whatever he can to show her he is a changed man....

I spent a lot of time looking at her social media last night...she is younger...no kids....quite arty....more his type than me

I feel very foolish....and hurt....I will be taking a break from dating for a long while

sending lots of to you @FabulousUnicornSparkles ❤️

@chemicalworld

You built a connection with someone and opened yourself to someone a bit different to you! Don't beat yourself up, try to enjoy it for what it was and try to move on. Be nice to yourself and in time you will build a connection with someone else. Don't feel foolish, I think in time you will look back and understand how you've been swept away.

I think soon you will see him for who he is, he is now wanting to be with someone he has slagged.off to you. He has many issues, try and be glad that you aren't the person getting tangled up even more emotionally with him than you already have been xx

I 100% agree with this.

Sorry to hear the outcome OP but well done for having the conversation. It will hurt but at least you can start moving on from this and won't keep hanging on and hoping for more.

Give yourself time to grieve and reflect. I'm sure the right kind of guy will come along eventually.

Good luck.

Some of the comments have been harsh on here. But honestly I think people were just trying to make you see what he's like. In a way I think it's best you had the conver with him and he siad what he did. If he loved you and wanted to be with you there would be no messing like this. You deserve somone who wants you and just you. Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed he's let you think there is potential. But hope for your own self worth you are going to just leave it with him now.

Thanks @RealisticSketch....he says he called her that because she ended it with him the first time because he wouldn’t commit to her....

Apparently they got very close again over the start of lockdown last year and he was the happiest he’s ever been....but slept with someone else in a moment of ‘self sabotage’ and she ended it again....he moved on to the recent girlfriend to prove to himself that he can be a committed partner but spent the whole time wishing he was with his ex instead....that was why he was not his usual self....this ex is his one he says.....no one has ever made him feel as accepted and loved as she does and it made him panic....but now he wants to make it up to her

Thank you @chemicalworld

Thank you @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards @Amotherlife @Plussizejumpsuit

@FabulousUnicornSparkles

Thank you *@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards* *@Amotherlife* *@Plussizejumpsuit*

You're very welcome. ❤️ you will get though this and find someone who will make you really happy

A big hug to you OP. People come and go in our lives for all sorts of reasons. This guy has opened your eyes to some exciting possibilities which will definitely benefit you and a lucky partner in the future. He sounds like hard work for an actual relationship. I've read this thread thinking that you did have some doubts about him, otherwise why would you be here? Sometimes we have to make an effort to really listen to the quiet voices above the clamour of our other needs, and you did try to do that here.
There's something better out there for you, not least because you know a bit more about yourself now.

The thing that is confusing me....he was seeing this woman on and off even when other relationships were happening....but last night was the first time he ever used her name or spoke about her properly.....as friends we have talked about his and mine other relationships and dates...I knew their names and things about them....but nothing about this woman except they split just before we met and she was clingy and needy....now he’s saying she was the love of his life all along

And I wouldn't feel foolish, it sounds like you had a really great connection, but people are flawed, and, with all his complexities he saw his future elsewhere. That doesn't mean what you had wasn't real! And let's face it, you wouldn't want it never to have happened would you. I'm sure him thinking he wants to be with her is not just an age/kids thing. There will be someone whose complete package fits with yours. Meanwhile you have some fabulous fantasy material to enjoy. Hope you in time your feelings resolve into something less painful.

'I spent a lot of time looking at her social media last night...'

Oh op I want to give you a massive hug!
Life can be a fucking bitch!

@FabulousUnicornSparkles

Thank you to everyone who has commented....especially those of you who took the time to give hard advice with kindness.....

I had the conversation last night.....he had already broken up with the current girlfriend as I guessed would happen......he decided over Christmas that he was fed up of casual relationships ending in drama and wants to try again with the woman he had dumped just before I met him....the same woman who he has called needy and clingy and a nightmare....they have been seeing each other on and off the whole time

As part of him changing his ways for her....he has said our relationship can be a platonic friendship only....he values my friendship and support but understands if I don’t want to continue speaking to him....

He is starting counselling to work on his issues with cheating....has deleted all the dating apps, blocked all of the people he has been casually dating since he split with her....he doesn’t even know if she will agree to get back together but will do whatever he can to show her he is a changed man....

I spent a lot of time looking at her social media last night...she is younger...no kids....quite arty....more his type than me

I feel very foolish....and hurt....I will be taking a break from dating for a long while

See? He is doing all of those changes, for someone else. He doesn't love you or want you. I know that is harsh, but you need to delete his number, block him on all apps and get over him. He will never want you, ever. You deserve better than him anyway, he's unlikely to properly change. He'll cheat on her again so she's a fool if she takes him back, but she might not anyway. Can guarantee if she rejects him, he'll be straight back to you wanting sex. DO NOT LET HIM. Reject him then. You're only good enough to him when he has no one else? Can you see how insulting that is? He effectively insults you every time he goes back to you.

Please delete him, remove him from your life and move on. You'll be so much happier with someone else in the future.

God, he’s an insufferable thunder-cunt isn’t he?

I hope she doesn’t fall for his self-involved, overly dramatic psycho-babble.

Havent read anything past first page so apologies if there is an update, but there are so many red flags to this situation. He sounds like he is using you for sex and stringing you along, he talks about these clingy exes and looks down on them yet im sure he would say the same about you if one of his dates asked about you

Oh and @FabulousUnicornSparkles he doesn’t want or value your friendship.

He’s an egomaniacal fuck boy who refuses to grow up.

He wants you hanging around to feed his ego and as someone to fall back on when he inevitably fucks it with ‘The One’ again.

Please delete and block. Surely you feel like you’re worth more than the shag he has when he can’t get anyone else?

He isn't ready for a relationship with you.

He's more than ready with other women.

Sometimes men don't see women as the relationship type. Just like we friend zone, fwb zone etc etc

He's obviously happy to sleep with you but he doesn't want a relationship with you. Id probably move on and stop sleeping with him, if he wanted a relationship with you he'd make it happen.

Don't put yourself out there for him he isn't interested.

Being blunt:

You’re both trying to fill very different holes here.

Because he’s a massive hairy liar that you put on the spot.

I call bullshit, and worse than that the actual way he has lied his way out of it is brutal and hurtful to you!

So he’s going to cull all casual relationships is he, and stop contact for her? Except for you of course that will be platonic... lying liar and if it’s true feel sorry for the lass.

Please don’t beat yourself up, dating is a learning curve. Lick your wounds then join the dating thread on here to stop the wankers before they creep their way in.

DO NOT judge yourself against his “worthiness” he’s scum you are better.

Please now cut contact and say he can go focus on that, they bathe in the higher ground. Once you are a few weeks out of the mist it will lift!

@FabulousUnicornSparkles as hard as it sounds I think you had a lucky escape. He thinks she’s the one but still treated her badly? There’s no excuses for treating people badly or cheating in my eyes.
You sound lovely and kind and caring don’t let this bad experience put you off take some time to enjoy being single (as much as you can in LD) you’ll find the right man when the time is right and you’ll be in such a good place by then you won’t allow yourself to be put second for anyone or treated wrong

Dear OP, you're hurt now, but one day (not long) you'll look back at him, remember the amazing sex and friendship and the new experiences with him, but youll be really glad you didn't let this overgrown manic pixie dream boy anywhere near your home, family, finances, and sense of self.
Risk is great up to a point, but not if you lose hard, which you would likely have because you sound awesome and this bloke sounds like a Borderline nightmare (people with BPD are often amazing in the sack!).

Thank you everyone

I think it is for the best that I don’t speak to him any more.....the rose tinted glasses have come off a bit.....I do still value the conversations we had and the new things I have opened myself up to through meeting him....but I have a nagging feeling about our whole relationship now....how many of the times when we slept together when we were both ‘single’ was he actually seeing this woman....if we were friends why hide her from view....if she is such a big part of his life why keep her secret....had i known I would never have slept with him and certainly wouldn’t have thought we could have had something....and what else has he been hiding....

I don’t feel I can trust anything he says now

Let those rose tinted glasses keep slipping, good work! It’s amazing how quickly we see beautiful facets of light then take a step back and you can see the frozen lump of shit they were reflecting off

@Theowawaynow

Let those rose tinted glasses keep slipping, good work! It’s amazing how quickly we see beautiful facets of light then take a step back and you can see the frozen lump of shit they were reflecting off

@Theowawaynow that made me smile!

I will miss him very much....and I’m sad that I was not the person he thought was worth changing for....but there are lots of little things suddenly prickling at me....I had a good chat with my bestie earlier and she said some things that took me by surprise

Going to go for a nice long walk with the dog and get my head together a bit more

You'll look back on this next year and laugh at how you fell for his garbage, you really will. And you'll be so much happier. Keep reminding yourself he is a liar, he's an asshole and you're worth more.