I need help processing wtf just happened

[Coffeetableconundrum]

NC for this, I’m so confused and bewildered.
My wonderful, loving, perfect DP of 3 years and I just got into what I thought was a silly joke argument about something tiny. I was laughing away, and tickling him, and next thing he was holding on really tight to my wrists and asking me the same question again and again. Suddenly I was afraid, and stopped laughing and told him he was frightening me and answered his question.
He immediately started to apologise and told me he didn’t know why he’d got so worked up and he should have just explained he hadn’t found it funny, etc etc. I couldn’t stop crying and told him I didn’t understand what had just happened. He kept asking me to forgive him and then said he thought he was about to pass about, before collapsing on the floor. He was pale and clammy, and out of it for about 10 seconds. I’ve never seen that happen before.
When he came to and felt a bit better I asked him to leave, which he did without any problems, apologising again and saying he didn’t understand why he had reacted in the way he had and asking to speak to me tomorrow.
I have no idea what to think. I can’t reconcile the loving, supportive person who feels like home with what just happened. It came out of no-where. But I was genuinely afraid. Is that how it starts?
Please please please can I have a handhold.

Exhaustedflamingo
I hope your dp is ok now. I agree. I meant to say, it was irresponsible and very uncaring to make him go home alone 5 mins after he came around. It is not uncommon to pass out a second time if you have not recovered from the first - and 5 mins is not enough time to be prostrate and walking around. My dd has a medical condition, one, where she definitely wouldn’t be ok after coming around after 5 mins. It’s one of the conditions on the STARS site I linked above. If she ever has a partner or friends in the future, who treat her like this, it could be very dangerous for her and I’d be appalled.

Sounds like either a diabetic hypo or trauma trigger.

If the latter, it sounds like he dissociated for a period. Not uncommon when people have a flashback - being touched in an uncomfortable way ( lack of bodily autonomy) and being told he was ‘bad’ - inadvertently by you op- could well have been a trigger to a childhood trauma. Physical reaction afterwards (fainting) also very normal.

Awful for you, op. You know his background so you know if that’s likely.

Dissociation is very hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t experienced it. Suggest googling.

I bit the last person who continued to tickle me, after being repeatedly asked not to. It was a reflex, but I don't regret it at all. That was about 3 years ago.

I agree it could be a health issue, but it does sound like you triggered him in some way with the tickling and calling him bad.

Op - hope today brings some ease in your mind about what happened last night and the best next steps for you both.
You must have been in shock. Trying to put myself in your shoes I am pretty sure I would have secured my own safety and his welfare by calling 999. For ambulance and accompanying police given what you describe.
It upsets me think if I were to do this to my wonderful loving dp out of the blue and then pass out as you’ve described that this wouldn’t be dps immediate step to secure safety of us both.
He’s got pretty urgent medical investigations to start. If this was due to something treatable/avoidable it may well be easily sorted out.
You need to feel safe and it’s completely understandable that right now you don’t. I’d suggest you be open and tell him what happened (phone), how you felt, that you are obviously worried for him and that you can’t feel that way again so don’t want to be alone with him until it’s more clear how or why that happened. If he is indeed your wonderful loving dp that is exactly what he will want too !
In my relationship I would offer to attend his gp with him so what happened could be accurately described as he was ‘out of it and came round’.
Good luck. Nothing here is meant to be critical of you at all - you were in shock and needed to feel safe.

@Seasaltyhair

He was an arse to a stranger on line. OP clocked it His first reaction was to grab her wrists and demanded to know if she had told her parents. Then he fell to the floor.

Run for the hills OP

This

It's all a bit weird. I dont know why you were goading him over comments made to a stranger on a forum.you say you were 'joking' but it's a weird thing to escalate outside of the forum. Sounds to me like he had a panic attack as perhaps he wasnt too proud of how he came across on the forum and didnt want it bought up and then became paranoid that you had shared it with others ? I take your point he shouldn't have lost it, but also not sure why you were winding him up.

The way this post is written it sounds like the OP provoked her partner. She was “poking” him which sounds like unwanted touching & they have already had a serious discussion about tickling being a no-go for him.

The whole “joke” had an element of underlying seriousness to it - about how he had acted out for something he wrote on an online forum & the OP said he was bad & couldn’t have any chocolate. It sounds like a “joke” which really had a serious undertone to it. She was badgering her partner to accept he had been bad & spoken rudely. That’s not a joke.

Then the OP skirts around what question He was asking repeatedly as he held her wrists.

It sounds like she was repeatedly touching him in a confrontational way by poking him & he grabbed her wrists to stop the unwanted touching.

Considering they have already had the no tickling talk, it sounds to me like the OP acted out of line here.

If someone touches you unwontedly is it out of order to physically stop them from doing so? I think not.

Now OP is crying because he touched her in an unwanted way, but in reality she did that first, after already having a serious discussion not to do that.

I don’t buy this whole thing was a joke because it’s clear she felt seriously about whatever it was he had written online & was bringing it up yet again.

I jokingly referred to it again this evening while we were cuddling on the sofa, saying he’d been ‘bad’ and so didn’t deserve another bit of chocolate. It was obviously a silly joke.

Please please review your childish behaviour. None of that sounds remotely funny.

Sounds quite scary OP and like a totally unexpected response.

Have you spoken to him about it since it happened?

If he's been wonderful and loving for the past 3 years then it seems more likely that it was a freak incident and something just shook him up.

Maybe he felt like you were teasing him and weren't quite getting that he was really upset about it? I dunno. Not justifying it, just trying to think what could have happened if he's otherwise normal and sane. Sounds like he has some health/ blood pressure issues too.

If he sees that it shook you up and is remorseful about it, it might be worth him talking to the GP about what might have happened. Could have been to do with blood pressure or even his antidepressants might not be working for him anymore, they can cause mood swings etc.

The most important thing really is that he sees what it was like for you and is aware of it - then if something like this is triggered again he's more likely to recognise it and control it.

Also I bet my bottom dollar she was poking him in the exact same place he told her not to tickle him in. So she gets to claim she wasn’t tickling him, but it’s just an extension of the unwanted tickle type touching.

I am not buying the OP was the victim here.

I too would like to know what it was he said online which was so bad but it wasn’t mentioned & also what it was he was repeating to her over & over while holding her wrists.

If this was a woman who had told her partner not to tickle her & then her partner switched to poking her instead the replies would be different.

I guess now the Op knows poking is off the table as well as tickling now!

@RogueV

I’m sorry but it sounds like you overreacted

Agree with this

Did he have a reactions to something - drug, food, alcohol?

Why was he so concerned about you telling your parents??

OP, do get him to consult his doctor about this. It sounds like a physical problem as well as possibly MH. Good luck to you both.

and you sent him home ? wow

*Also I bet my bottom dollar she was poking him in the exact same place he told her not to tickle him in. So she gets to claim she wasn’t tickling him, but it’s just an extension of the unwanted tickle type touching.

I am not buying the OP was the victim here.*

Sure... could be. But it's never OK to shout and physically restrain your partner like that against their wishes, even if she was being deliberately provocative. She has said several times that on her part it was joking around. He shouldn't have used his strength like that even if she was doing something he didn't like.

I'm sure he was shaken up as well and I've talked about that in my post above. But OP isn't to blame for how he reacted, it sounds like it was unexpected and disproportionate to what she was doing.

Sounds like a mix up to me that just needs discussing between the two of them.

i dont think you are good for each other

Blimey, I think I'd have called the doctor for him. He doesn't sound well at all.

Also, what are you doing going on and on about something he posted online? I'd hate that if DH did it to me and sometimes I am a bit blunt on here.

@gutful

The way this post is written it sounds like the OP provoked her partner. She was “poking” him which sounds like unwanted touching & they have already had a serious discussion about tickling being a no-go for him.

The whole “joke” had an element of underlying seriousness to it - about how he had acted out for something he wrote on an online forum & the OP said he was bad & couldn’t have any chocolate. It sounds like a “joke” which really had a serious undertone to it. She was badgering her partner to accept he had been bad & spoken rudely. That’s not a joke.

Then the OP skirts around what question He was asking repeatedly as he held her wrists.

It sounds like she was repeatedly touching him in a confrontational way by poking him & he grabbed her wrists to stop the unwanted touching.

Considering they have already had the no tickling talk, it sounds to me like the OP acted out of line here.

If someone touches you unwontedly is it out of order to physically stop them from doing so? I think not.

Now OP is crying because he touched her in an unwanted way, but in reality she did that first, after already having a serious discussion not to do that.

I don’t buy this whole thing was a joke because it’s clear she felt seriously about whatever it was he had written online & was bringing it up yet again.

Wtf you don't get to pin someone down by the wrists because they've poked you in the side!!!

Hope you’re both feeling better this morning. I think it’s some kind of episode. I’d be sending him to the gp.

Sure... could be. But it's never OK to shout and physically restrain your partner like that against their wishes, even if she was being deliberately provocative. She has said several times that on her part it was joking around. He shouldn't have used his strength like that even if she was doing something he didn't like.

Of course it is if the partner is doing something you told them not to do to you.
And of course she said it was job=king around.

But if my dp tickled or prodded me in the ribs when i said i didnt like it.I would grab him as well.

Why was he so concerned about you telling your parents??
@Nicolastuffedone i asked that on the first page. @Coffeetableconundrum never answered that question.

I'm in the GP camp too. OP is right to protect herself in case this is a 'mask slip' but I suspect, with the depression and anxiety history it may be a medication issue or one of the conditions previously described. If he won't go to the GP, I'd make it a condition of the relationship continuing.

@Tyranttoddler I disagree - if someone touches you unwantedly you are allowed to make them stop & it makes sense to grab the wrists to make it stop!

He didn't push her, he stopped her poking him by grabbing her wrists. Where does it say he pinned her down?

Considering the serious discussion about no tickling, it sounds like he was defending himself from further unwanted touching.

Also if he has told her seriously to stop tickling him & there was a discussion & she has not listened & crossed his hard line of not doing it, it sounds like he reacted in an over the top way due to stress ?

It sounds like the OP won't tickle or poke him again now. But it took him losing his rag for her to realise it wasn't on.

It sounds like she claims she didn't realise poking was different to tickling - but those of us who despise tickling will likely agree that if you hate being tickled on the ribs a poke feels just as invasive.

She was invading his space intentionally to goad him & didn't like the response.

I don't see abuse from the male side here. I see someone who doesn't respect their partner's body & touches them unwantedly & is now trying to paint him as an abuser for defending himself.

What was he meant to say? "don't touch me like that" when they have already had that serious discussion before? Come now.

He lost his cool because you were teasing him and then he freaked out/had a panic attack/fainted.

Most seem to think that the poking/tickling was the cause and the anger and faint was the reaction.

It could be that it was some form of seizure as they're sometimes preceded by very odd behaviour and how he had acted might be connected to the losing consciousness. You've said, OP, that he's done nothing like that before.