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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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I need help processing wtf just happened

462 replies

Coffeetableconundrum · 26/01/2021 20:39

NC for this, I’m so confused and bewildered.
My wonderful, loving, perfect DP of 3 years and I just got into what I thought was a silly joke argument about something tiny. I was laughing away, and tickling him, and next thing he was holding on really tight to my wrists and asking me the same question again and again. Suddenly I was afraid, and stopped laughing and told him he was frightening me and answered his question.
He immediately started to apologise and told me he didn’t know why he’d got so worked up and he should have just explained he hadn’t found it funny, etc etc. I couldn’t stop crying and told him I didn’t understand what had just happened. He kept asking me to forgive him and then said he thought he was about to pass about, before collapsing on the floor. He was pale and clammy, and out of it for about 10 seconds. I’ve never seen that happen before.
When he came to and felt a bit better I asked him to leave, which he did without any problems, apologising again and saying he didn’t understand why he had reacted in the way he had and asking to speak to me tomorrow.
I have no idea what to think. I can’t reconcile the loving, supportive person who feels like home with what just happened. It came out of no-where. But I was genuinely afraid. Is that how it starts?
Please please please can I have a handhold.

OP posts:
RedRec · 27/01/2021 00:11

I would hate to be goaded and poked like that. And would react strongly.

Bagamoyo1 · 27/01/2021 00:18

@2orangey

I'm not medically trained but look up vasovagal syncope - fainting caused by triggers such stress or extreme emotion. Sounds like it could apply to this situation.
I’m a doctor and this explanation is most likely.
Poppingnostopping · 27/01/2021 00:18

There isn't any reason I can think of where I could accept having my wrists grabbed, restrained and shouted at repeatedly. Never ever in my marriage has my husband laid a finger on me and I would not accept that whatsoever, even if we had been having fun which turned out not to be fun for him. You can't go into scenarios expecting him to turn aggressive, you can't. It's totally unacceptable, I can't understand why anyone is saying this ok, a poke and giggle which wasn't funny or not.

He turned.

There seem two plausible explanations to me. One is something medical like diabetes, this is easily ruled in or out and so he should visit the dr and get tested, this isn't complicated. The other is he is having mood swings for whatever reason (he's a bad person, he's quite aggressive anyway, he's on medication that makes him more aggressive) and then his faint was real- but provoked by emotion or stress. I'm phobic of something, and if I think of that something, I collapse, even if the something isn't anywhere near me. This is more likely if he has vasovagal issues/low blood pressure, prone to fainting.

I don't know why everyone wants to blame you for his aggression, it wasn't even just verbal, it was physical. Restraint, totally unacceptable. You might have said the wrong thing, you might have teased him and poked him in the ribs as you've done before- do you want to risk a repeat of what happened? Or spend your life worrying if you do the wrong poking thing, or joke and it's not funny he'll grab you again?

Can't understand the replies on here, he's stronger than the OP and could have done something even worse than restrain her and shout repeatedly. So frightening and not justified by any prior interaction, sorry.

Bagamoyo1 · 27/01/2021 00:19

But the behaviour before he fainted sounds scary, and I’m not sure I’d be able to get past it. Yes you were being annoying, but being annoying is nowhere near as bad as being scary.

Hangingover · 27/01/2021 00:28

I thought diabetes too. My ex was like this, right snappy bastard when his sugars were out of whack.

LochJessMonster · 27/01/2021 00:31

Let’s not forget that he grabbed her by the wrist because despite her being asked not to she was tickling him (or poking him depending on whether you believe her minimising). And then as soon as she asked him to stop, he did.

Cannot believe you kicked him out and suddenly think he’s a violent abuser Hmm

YNK · 27/01/2021 00:43

He has had a change in his behaviour, repetitive speech and loss of consciousness.
FFS what is the matter with you??
Get the poor guy an ambulance!
He might have had a TIA or a stroke or a hypoglycaemic attack.

StormcloakNord · 27/01/2021 00:50

I've always always found Mumsnet to be very "YES THAT IS ABUSIVE, LEAVE NOW".

I think the fact most people here are shocked you weren't more concerned for his health speaks volumes. If you say it's completely out of character and have been with him 3 years then I must admit I'm surprised you just threw him out without thinking there could be something wrong with him medically. Even more so that he was cold, clammy and collapsed.

YNK · 27/01/2021 00:57

Get him a bloody ambulance and go with him to describe your observations - NOW!
Do it now before you find yourself explaining YOUR behaviour to an inquest!!!

DailyCandy · 27/01/2021 00:59

Tomorrow, tell him you explained to your parents what happened and they think he should see a doctor...

Hannsmum · 27/01/2021 01:03

@honeyroar my exact thought!

lovelemoncurd · 27/01/2021 01:05

He passed out and was clammy and you left him then kicked him out. I think he's not the only one exhibiting odd behaviour!

Duemarch2021 · 27/01/2021 01:17

Everybody is focussing on the tickling but i think its pretty irrelevant really... OP said she tickled him in the side but he grabbed her arms tighly and kept repeating a question... i think the poking makes no difference... it sounds like he has issues and that would scare me too... sorry to say but maybe he faked passing out to make it seem like it wasn't in his control

StormcloakNord · 27/01/2021 01:23

@Duemarch2021 it's one thing faking passing out but I'd be really intrigued to know the superpowers behind making yourself pale and clammy... Hmm

oakleaffy · 27/01/2021 01:30

Sounds a bizarre thing for to to have done, to tell a grown adult he has ''Been Bad'' and ''Can't have any chocolate''

And then tickling, which is again a bizarre thing to do . Being tickled;ed is awful.

It doesn't sound very healthy, any of it..It is quite a dominating thing for you to have done..Like an how overbearing uncle might treat a small child.
Or a dog.

''Bad'' ''No chocolate'' ''Tickle''.

PeanutButtaCups · 27/01/2021 01:39

I really think he needs to see a doctor. I understand it must’ve been scary for you, and if you’re uncomfortable with this then you’re 100% within your right to leave this relationship. However, it seems that there’s a possibility of something being medically wrong with him at the minute. I can’t imagine he pretended to faint if he went clammy/sweaty afterwards.

Chocolateraincloud3 · 27/01/2021 02:45

You can’t fake being cold/clammy.

montysma1 · 27/01/2021 03:35

@oakleaffy

Sounds a bizarre thing for to to have done, to tell a grown adult he has ''Been Bad'' and ''Can't have any chocolate''

And then tickling, which is again a bizarre thing to do . Being tickled;ed is awful.

It doesn't sound very healthy, any of it..It is quite a dominating thing for you to have done..Like an how overbearing uncle might treat a small child.
Or a dog.

''Bad'' ''No chocolate'' ''Tickle''.

You have no idea of the context or tone of the conversation or what their normal chat is. When my husband is on occasion ratty to annoying clients I have laughingly said things like "Oh you are a baaad baaaad man"
I was certainly not dominating him, and he never felt the need to seize me by the wrists.

It was clearly a conversation which was not out of the ordinary to the poster or she wouldn't be so shocked.
But even if it was, his level of physical aggression was not normal or justified.

tolerable · 27/01/2021 03:36

read it all over.
thing is...blood sure level,mantrum,whatever
ZERO tolerance.

Anne1958 · 27/01/2021 04:26

Op, it comes across as you being angry and using pretend humor to bring a subject up and force the response you wanted out of him.

One of those situations where you could then feign that it was all a joke afterwards.

shamalidacdak · 27/01/2021 04:35

Jeez all the wimps on here scared of tickling and poking why are you all so fragile? He is clearly suffering a medical issue combined with aggression. He needs to see a doctor and a therapist. OP should keep a wide berth until he sorts himself out

Springfern · 27/01/2021 04:54

You had every right to kick him out, regardless of whether he faked it or not

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/01/2021 04:55

I am not a doctor and can only speak from personal experience. I have passed out for physical reasons. But also acknowledge I can feel like I’m going to to pass out for psychological ones. But it’s never happen and I don’t get pasty sweats then. I’ve had panic attacks and psychogenic seizures. I have also lost the ability to see for about 10 mins for psychological reasons. This was when I was ill with tonsillitis on the bus on the way back from the doctors and seeing something, which made me so ill my body decided to make my eyes stop working. This, just to explain the body can do incredible things to itself.

This is a link to the STARS website. There is lots of info about different sorts of blackouts. www.heartrhythmalliance.org/stars/uk/psychogenic-blackouts This page is about psychogenic blackouts and is just one explanation.

Personally, from what you have said, I couldn’t fake a faint. The pasty, sweatiness from my personal experience isn’t possible to fake.

Your partner needs to see a doctor. The theories emerging from this thread seem to be :

  1. faked it (but idk how)
  2. diabetic rage
  3. fainted for physical reasons
  4. fainted for psychological reasons

As he already has had symptoms in the past, this is a progression and he really needs to see someone now. This is now affecting his relationship.

ExhaustedFlamingo · 27/01/2021 04:57

It's easy to jump to a snap judgement but there's lots going on here. From your description, you've both acted like absolute dicks tonight. You treated him like a child, poked/tickled him (which he had previously said he doesn't like however you now try to minimise it) and then you goaded him repeatedly. His response was then OTT and unacceptable.

My question is - you've been together three years and you describe him as perfect, loving etc. Given what happened tonight, are there any retrospective red flags? If not, I think you've behaved unfairly.

I understand his response was a bit shocking. However, I can hand on heart say if that happened to me with a long-term DP that I loved and trusted - I'd be immediately more concerned about them passing out. I'd probably wonder whether the two things were connected. There are many medical conditions (as PP including a doctor have mentioned) that can cause a temporary and brief change in behaviour. He obviously didn't fake the passing out. Yet you're more concerned - even now - about how he upset you by holding your wrists and asking you for a serious answer to the thing you'd been goading him about. Your priorities stink.

If I were him, I'd be wondering about whether I want to stay with you. You showed absolutely zero concern for his wellbeing. The man just passed out unexpectedly and you've just let him walk home on his own. The man you apparently love and have been with for 3 years. Yikes.

Even if the two events weren't connected, you made it physical in the first place by touching him in a way he'd previously told you not to. He hasn't been violent or abusive, but his response was deeply uncomfortable. I get that. But you absolutely provoked it.

I'm saying all of this against your description of a long-term, perfect and loving relationship. If tonight's behaviour makes you view some past events differently, then that puts a different complexion on things.

There was a woman on this board a few weeks ago. Her partner was being a horrible, goady dick, and she ended up hitting him. She was remorseful and didn't hurt him, but just lashed out. Posters said to her, your behaviour was not OK, but understandable. They said to her you were triggered and lost control, you need to make sure you don't do that again - but figure out if you want to stay with him. No-one was calling her abusive yet her actions were far worse than your partner's. If there is no other explanation for your partner's behaviour, I assume the same applies to him. You were pretty horrible to him, it triggered his anxiety disorder, and he massively overreacted. He wasn't violent, but you felt shocked and scared by his response. It's absolutely fair enough to want some space, or some discussions about why he reacted the way he did, and how he can ensure that doesn't happen again. But before all of that, you absolutely should have put his welfare first, and you didn't. As a long-term partner, I'd feel massively let down by you. You clearly weren't in any imminent danger, and you've shown no concern for his wellbeing in your comments.

I would add to all of this that if your relationship continues and there's ANY repeat of his behaviour, that would be totally, totally different. But a one-off occurrence after serious provocation, followed by his passing out, in a long-term, loving relationship with zero red flags about control or aggression.....my concern right now would be his welfare.

ExhaustedFlamingo · 27/01/2021 05:01

I should probably add some context to my post. About five years back my DP acted really weirdly. Not physically aggressive but all of a sudden was acting strange, provocative and just a bit nasty. Totally out of character and out of the blue. Ten minutes later I found him on the kitchen floor. He came to, seemed fine, back to his normal self.

Long story short, he ended up in hospital with micro bleeds on his brain.

It's really easy for all of us on here to immediately slam into your partner as his behaviour was undoubtedly unpleasant, but if you've got a long-term history with absolutely no issues whatsoever, you really should be questioning what happened tonight in the context of whether he is OK.