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Original poster

I need help processing wtf just happened

462 replies

Coffeetableconundrum · 26/01/2021 20:39

NC for this, I’m so confused and bewildered.
My wonderful, loving, perfect DP of 3 years and I just got into what I thought was a silly joke argument about something tiny. I was laughing away, and tickling him, and next thing he was holding on really tight to my wrists and asking me the same question again and again. Suddenly I was afraid, and stopped laughing and told him he was frightening me and answered his question.
He immediately started to apologise and told me he didn’t know why he’d got so worked up and he should have just explained he hadn’t found it funny, etc etc. I couldn’t stop crying and told him I didn’t understand what had just happened. He kept asking me to forgive him and then said he thought he was about to pass about, before collapsing on the floor. He was pale and clammy, and out of it for about 10 seconds. I’ve never seen that happen before.
When he came to and felt a bit better I asked him to leave, which he did without any problems, apologising again and saying he didn’t understand why he had reacted in the way he had and asking to speak to me tomorrow.
I have no idea what to think. I can’t reconcile the loving, supportive person who feels like home with what just happened. It came out of no-where. But I was genuinely afraid. Is that how it starts?
Please please please can I have a handhold.

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 27/01/2021 08:13

Judging my your 2nd post he pretended to pass out. The whole thing sounded calculated to me. Who did he text? Why doesn’t he want your parents to knoa? Run for the hills

Tianatiers · 27/01/2021 08:15

I think you both need to have a chat about why he reacted that way. I’d struggle to get past this sudden outburst myself unless there was a very good explanation or reason for it and he was willing to get help to make sure it never happens again.

Walkaround · 27/01/2021 08:17

If someone I knew well acted completely out of character, became extremely sweaty, clammy and aggressive all of a sudden, then collapsed, I would be contacting a doctor, not assuming he was a secret abuser suddenly revealing his true personality.

Shadeslayer · 27/01/2021 08:19

Sorry OP but I think you provoked him by poking him calling him bad and refusing to answer his question, it seems really mean and a bit bullying to be acting like you have. Sounds like he grabbed you to stop you touching him and he lost his temper because you were being mean and winding him up. He then apologised and was physically so stressed by you he passed out but somehow he's the bad guy.

If my son told me his girlfriend was provoking him like that I'd say she is the massive red flag and to run. All your clearing up sounds like back peddling when you have been told your behaviour was unreasonable. You really can't provoke and wind people up then complain when they react.

AlternativePerspective · 27/01/2021 08:22

There are always going to be posters on here who will say that of course he’s an abuser, it was all faked, etc etc but the fact here is the man’s behaviour was out of character and he and the OP have been together for 3 years.

This sounds like a seizure to me where his behaviour changed and he wasn’t in control of it, then he passed out. There. If he’s prone to anxiety and panic attacks then being poked by his partner may well have triggered something in him. His body’s response was to hold the OP’s wrists to stop the physical interaction, but his mind was focused on the question because he wasn’t actually in the moment, iyswim.

Only the OP can decide whether she can move forward with this relationship, but his going to the GP or not is most definitely not a proof or otherwise that he faked the whole event.

But posters on here love to paint someone in the worst possible light.

The OP was poking him in the ribs and making reference to something he’d posted which she said at the time she’d accused him of being a dick for doing.

How is the OP not the one in the wrong here?

Poking and goading is abusive behaviour.

AlternativePerspective · 27/01/2021 08:24

If someone I knew well acted completely out of character, became extremely sweaty, clammy and aggressive all of a sudden, then collapsed, I would be contacting a doctor, not assuming he was a secret abuser suddenly revealing his true personality. not to mention leaving him out cold for ten minutes Shock

AlternativePerspective · 27/01/2021 08:25

And then sending him home. Did she make him drive I wonder?

AlternativePerspective · 27/01/2021 08:26

I wonder if it’s the OP who has a history of abusive behaviour and he reached a limit and was so shocked that he passed out given his previous MH issues.

everybodysang · 27/01/2021 08:31

@AlternativePerspective

If someone I knew well acted completely out of character, became extremely sweaty, clammy and aggressive all of a sudden, then collapsed, I would be contacting a doctor, not assuming he was a secret abuser suddenly revealing his true personality. not to mention leaving him out cold for ten minutes Shock
it says 10 seconds in the OP?
Karwomannghia · 27/01/2021 08:31

It sounds like 2 things- one is that he hates being teased/being deliberately put in a position of uncertainty for the other’s amusement and that all kind of comes under the tickling umbrella. It can be very triggering for someone with anxiety to have someone you think you trust deliberately make you anxious and laugh about it. Obviously this is a dynamic of many relationships with pranking etc and it’s fine for them, most people are resilient enough to laugh it off, but it’s not for him. You weren’t to know and didn’t mean any harm.
The other thing is his physiological state which meant that the rush of adrenaline from his anxiety was so intense he lost control of what he was doing and when that dropped so do he as it were. Is there something underlying that is causing his levels to swing so wildly?

MrsHusky · 27/01/2021 08:35

Why are people bringing 'pinning her down' into this? Have i missed where the OP says that?

" and next thing he was holding on really tight to my wrists and asking me the same question again and again"

So she tickles/pokes him (not sure which as she backtracked after admitting she'd been told not to tickle him) while goading/teasing him about something and he holds her wrists to keep her hands off him and then asked a question that she completely refuses to answer.

OP gets scared, he immediately releases her, apologizes profusely "He immediately started to apologise and told me he didn’t know why he’d got so worked up" "He kept asking me to forgive him" then he PASSES OUT FOR 10 SECONDS, comes around and CONTINUES to apologise until she kicks him out and makes him walk home

And he's the crazy secret abuser?

PlanDeRaccordement · 27/01/2021 08:35

You know common form of child sex abuse on boys is done under guise of “tickling” and “poking” while calling them “bad” or “naughty”. He may have been abused and you triggered a flashback. Flashbacks can be very scary to live through and witness.

SeasonFinale · 27/01/2021 08:44

Actually he already has mental health issues and you goaded him so much that he had a panic attack. Have you considered that you may actually owe him an apology?

lottiegarbanzo · 27/01/2021 08:52

'Have you told your parents?' is the oddest part of this.

It could be that he cares far too much about what other people think of him and believes they spend far more time thinking about him than they really do (this kind of self-centred paranoia is a normal part of depression).

Or, something else.

Once he's made a doctor's appointment to address the medical issues, that's the bit I'd be asking about (if I did think I wanted to continue to see him).

prawntoastie · 27/01/2021 08:54

PTSD
look it up

Flippyferloppy · 27/01/2021 08:54

Hi OP, this really is a tough one. I'm usually quite blunt about these things and would be encouraging you to get out of the reationship. However, in this case, it does seem that there may be a medical cause.

I would encourage him to seek medical help to find out. If he is reluctant to do so, then that would make me want to rethink the relationship.

That being said, you are the only one who knows how you feel. This incident may already have been too much for you to accept and move on from. That's fine too. You should never stay in a relationship with someone who scares you.

What a horrible shock it must be.

Walkaround · 27/01/2021 09:09

Fwiw, I find being poked in the ribs unbelievably fcking aggravating. I cannot understand anybody* who thinks it is anything other than nasty and deliberately upsetting to poke someone and tell them they are a bad person. Regardless of that, though, to get suddenly aggressive, sweaty and clammy, to repetitively ask the same question as though you are unable to stop yourself and are not fully aware of what you are doing, and then pass out, however briefly, is a concerning reaction for which I would seek medical advice.

Onthedunes · 27/01/2021 09:22

I think the crux of the matter is you telling your parents of his poor behaviour.

Do you both spend alot of time at your parents home? You seem to have been provoking and goading him in a patronising way. His fear of being portrayed in a less than favourable light to your parents indicate he is somewhat intimidated by your family and yourself.
This situation has history, a feel of you and your parents dictating the narrative, he felt seriously threatened by you informing them of his bad behaviour.
It could be that he is fed up of being rideculed by your family and his fight of flight response was to avoid further such ridecule.
The health aspect could be true, could have POTS or many other health related problems.
Get him checked out.
I think his fear of being perceived badly is the real issue. Whether that is because your family intimidate him or he has issues of poor self esteem, who knows.
He shouldn't have restrained you and you have every right to break up over that, but something sounds off in the family dynamics for him to respond so angrily.
If you want to stay together don't provoke him anymore and don't make him the but of your family jokes.

MrsHusky · 27/01/2021 09:23

if you count to 10, its a long time for someone to be out cold on your floor.. i've had my 14 faint due to stress/anxiety and he's out for maybe 1/2 seconds, thats bad enough.. but 10?

MrsHusky · 27/01/2021 09:24

*DS14

prawncocktailpringles · 27/01/2021 09:32

I hope you are still reading Op. Remember you can do a Clare's Law request and no one ever has to know.

BikerChick91 · 27/01/2021 09:34

If someone repeatedly wound me up and goaded me whilst in my personal space, tickled/poked me in the ribs, refused to answer a simple question repeatedly, withheld chocolate from me as a childish joke because I’d been “naughty” and then

Worst of all,

After I went pale, clammy, sweaty, fainted and was out cold,

Failed to get me any medical attention

And kicked me out 5 minutes later.

Then it would definitely be over. I couldn’t be with someone like that.

Anyway, I think when OP had so many people point out that this sounded like a medical episode, she didn’t like it and hasn’t been back since her “refused to be made to feel guilty post”.

FWIW, medical issue aside, when some has repeatedly been poking at me or play fighting and I’ve had enough and they’ve not listened, the next time they’ve taken a swipe at me, I’ve held their hands away by the wrist and said “enough now, Stop!” It’s a defensive action. Nothing like holding someone down and restraining them etc. Just holding them at arms length until their common sense returns and they stop. Mind you the last time it happened it was my brother or cousins and I was about 14.

Seasaltyhair · 27/01/2021 09:38

I cannot not honestly believe some of the posts on here.

OP if your still reading his actions were disproportionate and many of us can see it. Sadly even in today’s society victim blaming is still rife.

Lorieandrews · 27/01/2021 09:44

@ProudAuntie76

My father has been diabetic since he was 40. This was one of the first signs. Rages, coldness, clamminess, shaking. He was very placid but when his sugars were all over the place he’d be violent and argumentative.
Same. When my sugars are low. I have a bad temper.

But I hate hate hate tickling. Hate it. My mums friend used to tickle me till I was sick.

I think it’s horrific. If my DH tickled me like that. He’d be gone.

Iamdobby63 · 27/01/2021 09:49

Very surprised by this thread.

He saw red after you teased him because he was concerned your parents or anyone else perhaps would think less of him.

He got aggressive and scary until you answered his question.

He then had a medical episode after the event, perhaps genuine or perhaps convenient.

Whatever the reason you should not have to put up with that kind of behaviour. If it was medical then it’s up to him to find the reason and resolve it. If it wasn’t then run for the hills.