I need help processing wtf just happened

[Coffeetableconundrum]

NC for this, I’m so confused and bewildered.
My wonderful, loving, perfect DP of 3 years and I just got into what I thought was a silly joke argument about something tiny. I was laughing away, and tickling him, and next thing he was holding on really tight to my wrists and asking me the same question again and again. Suddenly I was afraid, and stopped laughing and told him he was frightening me and answered his question.
He immediately started to apologise and told me he didn’t know why he’d got so worked up and he should have just explained he hadn’t found it funny, etc etc. I couldn’t stop crying and told him I didn’t understand what had just happened. He kept asking me to forgive him and then said he thought he was about to pass about, before collapsing on the floor. He was pale and clammy, and out of it for about 10 seconds. I’ve never seen that happen before.
When he came to and felt a bit better I asked him to leave, which he did without any problems, apologising again and saying he didn’t understand why he had reacted in the way he had and asking to speak to me tomorrow.
I have no idea what to think. I can’t reconcile the loving, supportive person who feels like home with what just happened. It came out of no-where. But I was genuinely afraid. Is that how it starts?
Please please please can I have a handhold.

@ZoeTurtle

Funny how he got his first ever hypo, conveniently, in a situation where he was probably hoping the ground would swallow him up, wasn't it?

If you believe in this level of coincidence, you're daft.

Talking of daft... If it was a hypo then it was the cause of the situation, not something that just happened to occur at the same time. No coincidence.

If it came out of nowhere then maybe. But it didn't. The situation started with the OP challenging him on something he didn't want to talk about. It was only after that, that the situation unfolded.

If you don't think that's a massive coincidence, you're pretty gullible IMO.

@bogoffmda

Can I just point out that being aggressive is NOT indicative of being a diabetic - so could people please stop conflating the issues here.

if it is a hypo the that is LOW blood sugar and not indicative of undiagnosed diabetes

That's true, but people can have low blood sugar for other reasons - like the PP who mentioned pancreatic insufficiency. Not common, but not impossible.

And there are lots of other reasons for people being clammy, pale and out of it, including vasovagal attacks and cardiac arrhythmias. Any unexplained collapse needs investigation, especially if he was sitting at the time (I'm not clear from the OP if he was), as this makes a simple faint less likely.

Why did you feel the need to call him out on it again in the evening? Poking him in the sides and saying he was bad and couldn’t have more chocolate sounds a bit off for two mature adults. He was probably embarrassed but yes I agree he had a reaction that suggests trauma.

fastwigglylines You clearly know nothing about hypos. The irritability/aggression often starts before the shaking and sweating.

You should stop talking about things you know nothing about IMO.

The sudden switch to aggression is disconcerting and has naturally shaken you up.

Why such concern about you informing your family that he wrote something ‘bad’ to a stranger in an online forum? Nobody wishes to be viewed by their partners family in a bad light but this reaction is OTT.

Whatever is at the root of this, be it the slipping of a narcissists mask or a medical reason, it frightened you. It would therefore be prudent to take some time to reflect on the relationship and consider what you want to do next. Take time to establish and acknowledge your gut feeling. Consider how you would advise a sister or a friend had this happened to her.

Hugs, OP.

Very odd that he should care if you told your parents, just how bad/rude WAS the comment on the forum?? It sounds like you annoyed him by mentioning it again and then poking him, (which does sound irritating if the subject had already been discussed and he'd admitted he'd fired off the comment when annoyed) but his extreme reaction may well be how it starts, hard to say. I too would be sceptical about the funny turn he had afterwards. Proceed with caution and I am sorry this has happened.

Sounds like a medical issue to me.

If it came out of nowhere then maybe. But it didn't. The situation started with the OP challenging him on something he didn't want to talk about. It was only after that, that the situation unfolded.

If you don't think that's a massive coincidence, you're pretty gullible IMO.

You are clearly very ignorant about the realties of hypoglycaemia.

OP said he was uncharacteristically rude online. She called him out on it.

Aggression is a symptom. It didn’t start AFTER she called him out on his behaviour.

Hard to fake being pale and sweaty. She said the way he crumpled didn’t look fake.

Your “gullible” is others “logical”.

If it came out of nowhere then maybe. But it didn't. The situation started with the OP challenging him on something he didn't want to talk about. It was only after that, that the situation unfolded. If you don't think that's a massive coincidence, you're pretty gullible IMO.

You are being far too simplistic, and assuming that the events are sequential. But often, with a medical condition, patients can be coping with it until there is some form of stress, which makes them decompensate. So they go from apparently all right one minute to really poorly, as a result of the stress tipping them over the edge.

So, for example, the OP's DP might have a fast irregular heartbeat. This will reduce his oxygen levels but, as he is (presumably) as youngish man, he can cope with the lower levels until he experiences some form of emotional stress - in this case the teasing from the OP. When he is stressed and his oxygen requirements go up, he can't cope and collapses.

OP,

You were absolutely correct to ask him to leave.

You have had a variety of responses and of the usual male apologists and victim blamers.

Whatever anyone writes on here, you were very frightened in the moment and very upset.

Being restrained would be very frightening for anyone not used to violence in their life!🙄

You reacted very well in wanting him out of the house for your own safety.

I also think the collapse may have had a touch of the dramatics/deflection in it.

It would certainly be the type of behaviour of someone wanting to distract.

Restraining someone like that is not normal behaviour and you are correct to be wary.

This is him showing you a side to him.

When someone shows you who they are believe them.

Listen very carefully to your gut in all of this.

I would think his behaviour next will be telling.

Keep posting.

It sounds like a form of seizure or something else medical.

You both get to have boundaries.

Repeated teasing about him being 'bad' [for being argumentative online] / joking about 'telling' someone on him doesn't have to be a thing he's OK with, any more than the physical poking. [I'd be pretty cross if someone I cared about could seemingly see I was becoming distressed by repeated jokey responses to a question I was asking seriously]

Equally you were frightened by the way he held your wrists and kept repeating the question.

If you decide it's safe enough to continue seeing each other [at this point it could be a one off bad bit of communication / a trauma trigger /a different medical issue etc], think about establishing a safe word that either of you can use to immediately end teasing/joking that's going in the wrong direction for one of you. It's a short hand bit of communication rather than anything more profound.

So, so many doctors on this thread. How lucky.

Equally you were frightened by the way he held your wrists and kept repeating the question.

Equally? Really? She teased him over aggressive behaviour of his he wanted to keep hidden. He physically restrained her. In what world is that equal?

@Seasaltyhair

He was an arse to a stranger on line. OP clocked it His first reaction was to grab her wrists and demanded to know if she had told her parents. Then he fell to the floor.

Run for the hills OP

My ex pretended to have an "episode" as a distraction from some of the horrible things he did.

I don’t think you can fake that ghastly clammy drained face people get when they pass out.

You need to proceed with caution but it does sound like there may be a medical root.

How has he been with your parents to date? Is there a reason why he wouldn’t want you to tell them something about him? Did it make sense to you? Or was it a really random, irrational thing to say?

I’d be concerned he faked it too op. The fact it crossed your mind indicates deep down you suspect he might have,

And I habe to tell you. If he did fake it. That’s fucking terrifying.

OP I suggest you have a look at the full list of side effects of his medication. Sometimes people can act way out of character when a certain drug (or dose of drug) isn’t suiting them.

Regardless of you tickling/poking him there is no excuse for him grabbing your wrists and getting in your face like that.

He has shown a different side of himself to you there like pp have said his mask has slipped.

He is showing you what he is really like, please listen to your gut instinct you know it is not right or normal hence why you are posting on here. It is a massive red flag.

Speaking from previous experience with an abusive exh, he also used to constantly ask me if I had spoken to family about his behaviour and even when the mask was truly slipping try and get them on his side, luckily they saw right through him.

Please don't ignore the signs, I suggest you give yourself some time and space and see whether he respects that decision or not. Also please look up the freedom programme - the number of reg flags there are that you don't even realise until that programme shows you what they really are.

Eg. I was in an abusive relationship for nearly 7 years and although I knew he was abusive by the end the programme taught me that very early on there were red flags in the relationship I just didn't know it.

If my dp was teasing me about an online argument that id had and had been on the other persons side id be well pissed off. If he started actually tickling me too id do whatever the hell it took to get him to back the fuck off.

BecUse we don’t know what this was we can’t advise you op. But hope some handholding has been helpful - of course it was a shock.
Best thing is you and he are ok and he is no longer there.
Think he needs to see his go ASAP and the the two of you need an open discussion about what it was all about.

Regardless of the cause it doesn't sound like you're going to feel safe around him anymore so things are probably done.

I have to say though... don't poke people in the ribs, it's bloody horrible. My teen boys call it 'tasering' because if you hit the right spot it gives a real jolt that is both painful and a bit sickening. I would absolutely restrain and shout at anyone who did it to me, it triggers a really panicky rage in me.

@Coffeetableconundrum

Sorry, to clarify re: tickling - I poked him in the side twice, that’s all I meant by that. He does not like to be tickled and we have spoken about it in the past; I have taken that on board and do not do it anymore. *@WINKINGatyourage* - he came round so quickly and seemed fine. I got him a glass of water and he sat on the floor until he felt better. Then he left for his place, which is less than a 5 minute walk away.

Except you have done it again and it provoked this reaction. He does not like it so why do it again? I can imagine the reactions had this been the other way around and he poked you in the ribs, knowing that you full well you didn't like it.

I think you owe him an apology; people would be calling him alsorts of wonderful names now had he done this to you.

Dump him. He scared you and hurt you. I could never trust anyone that scared me or hurt me like like.