I need help processing wtf just happened

[Coffeetableconundrum]

NC for this, I’m so confused and bewildered.
My wonderful, loving, perfect DP of 3 years and I just got into what I thought was a silly joke argument about something tiny. I was laughing away, and tickling him, and next thing he was holding on really tight to my wrists and asking me the same question again and again. Suddenly I was afraid, and stopped laughing and told him he was frightening me and answered his question.
He immediately started to apologise and told me he didn’t know why he’d got so worked up and he should have just explained he hadn’t found it funny, etc etc. I couldn’t stop crying and told him I didn’t understand what had just happened. He kept asking me to forgive him and then said he thought he was about to pass about, before collapsing on the floor. He was pale and clammy, and out of it for about 10 seconds. I’ve never seen that happen before.
When he came to and felt a bit better I asked him to leave, which he did without any problems, apologising again and saying he didn’t understand why he had reacted in the way he had and asking to speak to me tomorrow.
I have no idea what to think. I can’t reconcile the loving, supportive person who feels like home with what just happened. It came out of no-where. But I was genuinely afraid. Is that how it starts?
Please please please can I have a handhold.

@OhCaptain. No I'm not a doctor. Are you? I have experience of a lot of escalating abusive behaviour by men, most of it in a professional context. So away with your patronising tone

I see that others have already said this a few times, but what you're describing is almost identical to what one of my colleagues described as the start of his diabetes being diagnosed. Similar things (unusual aggressivenss without warning, panic attack-type feeling, fainting, "looking clammy" and just not being himself etc etc) for about a year before he went to the GP about it, and was fairly quickly diagnosed as having it.

There are epileptic seizures that sound very like what you described.

@boredinthouse

This thread is so frustrating. I have ptsd, I hate my face being touched. Once DH did it and it was triggering. I couldn't cope but he stopped immediately after seeing my reaction. I then spoke to him about it abs told him I hated it and why, he hasn't done it again of course. However if he did and didn't stop I'm not sure how I'd react. I can't honestly say that I wouldn't grab his hands to make him stop.

Your DP has told you he hates being tickled. This might not be a man who is aggressive, it might be a man who's traumatised and an OP who's is abusive.

Have you read her second post? He only reacted like this because he was doing something he shouldn’t have been and she was threatening to tell her parents. The fainting episode also magically started after she questioned him and cured itself as quickly too

[quote SpongeBobJudgeyPants]@OhCaptain. No I'm not a doctor. Are you? I have experience of a lot of escalating abusive behaviour by men, most of it in a professional context. So away with your patronising tone [/quote]
No, but I - like many other posters - have experience of the medical incidences you so easily dismiss.

And I also have experience of escalating abusive behaviour in men in a personal context.

So no, I'm not going anywhere with my tone. If you find it patronising that's on you. But maybe engage the brain or at least read responses before unequivocally deciding that it couldn't be a medical issue.

I think DP needs an urgent GP appointment to explore what happened. If what happened is genuinely out of character, then there may well be an underlying physical cause which wasn't fully within his control.

If, however, he refuses to address the issue, then you need to end the relationship, for your own safety.

I suspect the clarifications are to justify yourself more, because the thread isn’t going as you wanted.

You called your DP out for writing something online.
You tried to make him feel bad about it.
You kept teasing him, to the point where you were withholding a treat as a punishment.
You “poked him in the side” a couple of times, which is damn near enough tickling for someone who has had to have a serious conversation about not being ok with being tickled.
You kept teasing him, making him feel worried about whether it was turning into a bigger deal by you telling your parents.

He then freaked out and snapped.

You should be apologising, and agreeing not to terrorise your DP if you don’t like what happens when you push him too far again and again.

Men are meant to be perfectly behaved on here, or they’re deemed abusive. But it sounds like what’s happened tonight is someone has been teased and teased, becoming increasingly uncomfortable and they’ve reacted badly to it.

The person who caused ALL OF IT is now crying and making the wronged party feel bad, and making him leave etc.

You need to rethink your part in all of this. And apologise to your DP

I also don't think there's much of a parallel between women who have experienced trauma and have got distressed/pushed back against someone, and a man who is much stronger than the woman gripping her wrists and shouting in her face.

Sorry, it's not the same power or physical dynamic at all. I wouldn't accept my partner putting their hands on me aggressively and whilst shouting any time, for any reason.

Tickling, poking or touching parts of someone else's body is usually a consensual matter which couples have to work out for themselves. Grabbing the wrists hard and shouting the same question over and over, from a stronger male to a female, not at all the same.

There could be a medical explanation, but whatever it is, it needs to be discovered fast as a man who loses control/aggression, especially if it's medical and not in his control, is dangerous and you need to get that sorted. Or he could just be a regular aggressive man which the relationship board are full off, and I couldn't be around for one second. Not even if they are traumatized/triggered/possibly if they were ill and they sought help immediately.

The fainting is a red herring, it isn't proof he was ill and not aggressive, getting very angry could have made him faint, he could have done that as he was emotionally overwhelmed/stressed as much as because there's a serious medical disorder going on. I've fainted tonnes of times/go pale/clammy, it goes with fainting!

He was out for 10 seconds, not 10 minutes!

@tigerlily20

Even if you were being annoying or "goady" there is no need to react with aggression, it's a red flag, and then to put on a lil fainting spell to cover it is another red flag

It wasn’t aggression. He was holding her wrists to stop her poking him in the side, which he has already had serious conversations about being triggered by tickling.

OP a was wrong to be poking him in the side. That is tickling, although the OP is being disingenuous by pretending that it wasn’t tickling and was merely poking.

Men are meant to be perfectly behaved on here, or they’re deemed abusive. But it sounds like what’s happened tonight is someone has been teased and teased, becoming increasingly uncomfortable and they’ve reacted badly to it

So, he needed to say 'I don't find this funny, STOP' and walk away. Not grab her wrists! This is totally unacceptable, I'm really worried about the amount of women on here justifying this, I would tell my teen girls never ever stay in a relationship where this is happening, my husband didn't lay his hands on me in 16 years, why would this be necessary?

I would tell my teen son not to be in a relationship with someone who totally disregards his consensual physical boundaries like OP has done to her DP

@Poppingnostopping

Men are meant to be perfectly behaved on here, or they’re deemed abusive. But it sounds like what’s happened tonight is someone has been teased and teased, becoming increasingly uncomfortable and they’ve reacted badly to it

So, he needed to say 'I don't find this funny, STOP' and walk away. Not grab her wrists! This is totally unacceptable, I'm really worried about the amount of women on here justifying this, I would tell my teen girls never ever stay in a relationship where this is happening, my husband didn't lay his hands on me in 16 years, why would this be necessary?

If a mad was constantly poking his girlfriend, would it be reasonable for her to try and hold his wrists to stop him? Of course it bloody would. Same here. He had a right to try and stop his girlfriend terrorising him

Worth remembering that he doesn’t appear to grab her wrists to stop her poking or tickling he grabbed her wrists until she answered his question.

@Iamdobby63

Worth remembering that he doesn’t appear to grab her wrists to stop her poking or tickling he grabbed her wrists until she answered his question.

Yes, and everyone can whip OP up into a frenzy and convince her that her DP is abusive. She can take no responsibility, learn no lessons. And then go on and have issues in her next relationship because she learns that females have no responsibility to behave respectfully (as men have a responsibility to do too) as part of a healthy relationship.

People who have experience of abuse have concluded it is abuse; people who have experience of medical conditions have concluded it is possibly a medical condition and needs checking out. General conclusion: it could be either, or both, but after 3 solid years of loving, gentle behaviour, and previous indications of a possible health condition, the man deserves some leeway until he has sought medical advice, which is what the OP is giving him. The OP should also reconsider whether it comes across as harmless, loving, laugh-worthy behaviour to poke someone in the ribs and tell them they have behaved badly, especially when they have already had this conversation at the time of the sending of the message and he has admitted earlier that he had not behaved brilliantly and the OP had already made clear she didn’t approve of it, so he is hardly likely to find it particularly amusing to have it brought up again “in jest.” There was absolutely nothing whatsoever funny about any of it, so laughing at the man, poking him and calling him badly behaved was never, ever funny and in all honesty, albeit she was laughing while doing it, I don’t think the OP genuinely thought she was actually ever being funny, either, I think she was wanting to get him to agree he was in the wrong.

Good update op.

Good you’re both taking time to work out how you feel and for him to see hiS GP.

Just keep your wits about you, don’t ignore your instincts, have someone sensible irl you can talk to about it and who can help talk things through.

I dunno, grabbing her wrists and repeatedly asking the same question then fainting to take attention away from the fact that he acted aggressively towards her because she was annoying him is a red flag in my opinion, but obviously I wasn't there so I can't say for sure, we can have different opinions on what happened but it's down to op and her bf to work out what actually is going on. She did however say in her latest post that dp admitted to acting like that because he was frustrated with her

Any normal human being would have found the OP’s jibes, laughs and poking frustrating, though, @tigerlily20. There was nothing funny in the thing she was laughing about.

I think you need to break this down:

• continuing to raise a subject you should have dropped in a “jokey” manner is passive aggressive and awful for the recipient. So don’t do that

• poking him in the side when he’s made clear he finds it uncomfortable is not ok. Through past trauma I have a completely unreasonable reaction to people putting their hands on my face. Including the kids accidentally and I have to work very hard not to freak out. I don’t always win, he could be the same but he’d TOLD you that.

• grabbing your wrists and aggressively questioning is not ok and you need to decide if it has brown trust

• the passing out sounds genuine and could explain the completely out of character aggression (triggered by your actions), so he needs to see his GP and soon.

It’s up to you if it’s now too far to be part of recognising and fixing the things above together or separately.

@WINKINGatyourage

Sorry- someone passed out in your house and you didn’t call an ambulance?

What? You shouldn't call an ambulance if people faint! What a waste of NHS time and resources.

You behaved really poorly. It sounds like he had to restrain you after you wouldn't respect his boundaries. Some self reflection would go far.

@Walkaround I'm not saying that she wasn't being incredibly annoying, I'm just not sure it justifies aggressively grabbing her wrists... it seems like she was intimidated?

Can’t believe how many people are blaming the OP?! WTF?
She was frightened by her partner but it’s her fault?!
I’m not one to jump in saying LTB but ffs don’t blame her!

@Joeblack066

Can’t believe how many people are blaming the OP?! WTF? She was frightened by her partner but it’s her fault?! I’m not one to jump in saying LTB but ffs don’t blame her!

But she’s to blame

You said you asked him to leave which he did with no problems, then phoned his flatmate to check he'd arrived safely.
After some criticism about sending a 'potentially ' sick person home you then say you walked him home?
The inconsistencies in your posts don't sit well with me. You also sound very goady and immature.
That being said I'm sorry if you were put in a frightening situation.