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Original poster

I need help processing wtf just happened

462 replies

Coffeetableconundrum · 26/01/2021 20:39

NC for this, I’m so confused and bewildered.
My wonderful, loving, perfect DP of 3 years and I just got into what I thought was a silly joke argument about something tiny. I was laughing away, and tickling him, and next thing he was holding on really tight to my wrists and asking me the same question again and again. Suddenly I was afraid, and stopped laughing and told him he was frightening me and answered his question.
He immediately started to apologise and told me he didn’t know why he’d got so worked up and he should have just explained he hadn’t found it funny, etc etc. I couldn’t stop crying and told him I didn’t understand what had just happened. He kept asking me to forgive him and then said he thought he was about to pass about, before collapsing on the floor. He was pale and clammy, and out of it for about 10 seconds. I’ve never seen that happen before.
When he came to and felt a bit better I asked him to leave, which he did without any problems, apologising again and saying he didn’t understand why he had reacted in the way he had and asking to speak to me tomorrow.
I have no idea what to think. I can’t reconcile the loving, supportive person who feels like home with what just happened. It came out of no-where. But I was genuinely afraid. Is that how it starts?
Please please please can I have a handhold.

OP posts:
AutumnDragon · 27/01/2021 10:27

How old is DP?

My DH has had a number of fainting spells and the physical description you gave sounds very familiar - clammy, grey etc. Before he passes out he has hallucinations. I'm wondering if the repeating the question was similar to an hallucination?

If it's the same thing, then he needs to get his heart checked out, as in DHs case he was fainting because his heart slowed or stopped for a few seconds.

sadie9 · 27/01/2021 10:32

Good idea that you take time apart. He needs to focus on himself for a while. In the mean time you look after you and be kind on yourself.

tigerlily20 · 27/01/2021 10:36

Sorry commented before I realised there was more to the thread... sounds like an act to cover his aggression... I had an ex like this. Always had a MH excuse for acting like a prick, put on funny turns so I'd feel sorry for him, he even did it when he was making me breakfast once (the only time in a four year relationship... so I'd have to finish it, lazy fuck) sadly there was no treatment available to him as he just was a prick.

MacDuffsMuff · 27/01/2021 10:38

My father has been diabetic since he was 40. This was one of the first signs. Rages, coldness, clamminess, shaking. He was very placid but when his sugars were all over the place he’d be violent and argumentative.

This should definitely be a consideration. My DD has Type 1 and the most loving, gentle kid but when her blood sugars are low she can react very similar to the way you are describing.

If it's not something like that, then I'm afraid I would knock this relationship on the head if he made you feel scared, for whatever reason.

tigerlily20 · 27/01/2021 10:38

Even if you were being annoying or "goady" there is no need to react with aggression, it's a red flag, and then to put on a lil fainting spell to cover it is another red flag

OhCaptain · 27/01/2021 10:40

Ah, I see other posters already mentioned diabetes!

Respectabitch · 27/01/2021 10:40

HRTWT but it does sound to me like either you triggered some trauma for him or there is an underlying physical health problem of some sort. I'm sorry that he scared you, but I do feel sorry for him too. I hope you can sort things out.

icelollycraving · 27/01/2021 10:48

I am a bit conflicted on this. I have known someone who after behaving aggressively then play unwell to detract from it.
I think your tickling, saying he’d been bad and all the worry of parents was possibly a throwback to a childhood trauma.
I get panic attacks and have passed out when the stress got too much. I got taken to a&e as I was at work at the time.

BuntysTwinkle · 27/01/2021 10:54

I love how fast Mumsnet goes into minimizing, "oh poor bloke, he's ill and you upset him" mode. Mumsnet where playfully poking someone in the side means that of course a reasonable man will have to pin you down and terrify you.

There's every chance the "OMG I'm about to faint" bit was to cover up the fact that he knew he got way too aggressive and freaked you out.

I'm not saying LTB, but definitely file it away as a potentially problematic thing you did, don't just go into "never mind me, what about him?" mode (like a lot of this thread) and forget that it was you on the receiving end.

ProudAuntie76 · 27/01/2021 10:57

All those “he’s faked it” people...

Can you tell me how you fake being pale, clammy and drenched in sweat?

OP herself has said it appeared genuine. She’s also said he has a history of going faint and unstable when he gets up.

Do you all usually assume fakery when someone collapses?

Cadent · 27/01/2021 10:59

@BuntysTwinkle

I completely agree. It’s disgusting.

boredinthouse · 27/01/2021 11:02

This thread is so frustrating. I have ptsd, I hate my face being touched. Once DH did it and it was triggering. I couldn't cope but he stopped immediately after seeing my reaction. I then spoke to him about it abs told him I hated it and why, he hasn't done it again of course. However if he did and didn't stop I'm not sure how I'd react. I can't honestly say that I wouldn't grab his hands to make him stop.

Your DP has told you he hates being tickled. This might not be a man who is aggressive, it might be a man who's traumatised and an OP who's is abusive.

Cadent · 27/01/2021 11:03

@boredinthouse OP didn’t tackle him though.

Cadent · 27/01/2021 11:03

*tickle

TomorrowIsAnotherDae · 27/01/2021 11:07

OP it sounds like you may have told your parents things about him that has caused him anxiety prior to this, is that the case?

starfishmummy · 27/01/2021 11:08

It does sound as if something medical could be at the root of this. And perhaps he didnt realise how tightllly he was holding you.

On the other hand if my partner was tickling me, when they knew I didnt like it, thats verging on abuse and I'd be holding on to their hands, wrists arms, anything to stop them.

BuntysTwinkle · 27/01/2021 11:10

OP herself has said it appeared genuine. She’s also said he has a history of going faint and unstable when he gets up.

Then it's quite possible that going into a rage and pinning his partner down made him feel a bit poorly afterwards?

Going faint and unstable is usually linked to something like low blood pressure, it doesn't go hand in hand with violent outbursts. In fact it may have been what stopped the situation escalating.

ProudAuntie76 · 27/01/2021 11:12

OP never said he pinned her down. She was poking him and he grabbed her wrists.

Blood sugar problems, vascular conditions all not uncommon to have accompanying issues with out of character aggression.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 27/01/2021 11:12

I can't see any medical issue that would involve him gripping your wrists firmly, and repeatedly asking the same question. A medical issue would cause you not to be able to grip, and demand an answer to a question surely. Regardless of whether you wound him up or not, this is abuse. I would worry it would escalate, and he wouldn't cope round children (who are very stressful). Do you want to be waiting for this to happen? I wouldn't.

Hailtomyteeth · 27/01/2021 11:13

I think you have exposed this man's true nature. He is aggressive. He wants to control your relationship with your parents and engineer their opinion of him.

RUN.

And stop tickling people. It is never appropriate.

ProudAuntie76 · 27/01/2021 11:15

A medical issue would cause you not to be able to grip

Really? Tell that to all of us who have nursed people and been injured as a result through strokes, dementia, vascular problems, fits, diabetes etc

boredinthouse · 27/01/2021 11:15

@Cadent

*tickle
Yes she was. It literally says that in the OP.
OhCaptain · 27/01/2021 11:16

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

I can't see any medical issue that would involve him gripping your wrists firmly, and repeatedly asking the same question. A medical issue would cause you not to be able to grip, and demand an answer to a question surely. Regardless of whether you wound him up or not, this is abuse. I would worry it would escalate, and he wouldn't cope round children (who are very stressful). Do you want to be waiting for this to happen? I wouldn't.
Are you a doctor? Because more than one poster has said they've experienced it.
Illberidingshotgun · 27/01/2021 11:22

You were perhaps being a bit irritating in what you were doing, but we're all irritating at times. It's possible that there is a physical cause behind how he behaved (my blood sugar occasionally plummets, and it's horrible) but the crux of the matter is that his behaviour really frightened you, and you did not feel safe in your own home.

I would tread very carefully, OP. I think that the steps he now takes will be the real eye opener. If he is really concerned, and it has come from an underlying medical problem, then he will be straight on the phone to his GP, asking to discuss what happened and why, perhaps asking for a medication review, BP check, blood sugar check etc. He will want to uncover why he behaved so uncharacteristically, and take steps to prevent it ever happening again.

If however he tells you that he doesn't know what happened, that it was a one off, that it won't happen again, and maybe that you are exaggerating what happened, then it's a very different story and not one with a happy ending.

Respectabitch · 27/01/2021 11:24

I had PTSD following an assault and his response honestly reminds me a lot of when I would get triggered. I was particularly sensitive to being touched or held by the left arm. I freaked out on DH once when he unwittingly did that. Afterwards I would genuinely not be able to remember well what happened when I was triggered. I was re-experiencing the assault and was quite literally back in it, in bodily terms.

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