I need help processing wtf just happened

[Coffeetableconundrum]

NC for this, I’m so confused and bewildered.
My wonderful, loving, perfect DP of 3 years and I just got into what I thought was a silly joke argument about something tiny. I was laughing away, and tickling him, and next thing he was holding on really tight to my wrists and asking me the same question again and again. Suddenly I was afraid, and stopped laughing and told him he was frightening me and answered his question.
He immediately started to apologise and told me he didn’t know why he’d got so worked up and he should have just explained he hadn’t found it funny, etc etc. I couldn’t stop crying and told him I didn’t understand what had just happened. He kept asking me to forgive him and then said he thought he was about to pass about, before collapsing on the floor. He was pale and clammy, and out of it for about 10 seconds. I’ve never seen that happen before.
When he came to and felt a bit better I asked him to leave, which he did without any problems, apologising again and saying he didn’t understand why he had reacted in the way he had and asking to speak to me tomorrow.
I have no idea what to think. I can’t reconcile the loving, supportive person who feels like home with what just happened. It came out of no-where. But I was genuinely afraid. Is that how it starts?
Please please please can I have a handhold.

My father has been diabetic since he was 40. This was one of the first signs. Rages, coldness, clamminess, shaking. He was very placid but when his sugars were all over the place he’d be violent and argumentative

Undiagnosed diabetics do not have hypos (low blood sugar). They have high blood sugar levels.

Hypos are caused by diabetic medications lowering the blood sugar too far.

There are lots of medical reasons why the OP's DP might have collapsed, but a diabetic hypo is not one of them.

• I cannot not honestly believe some of the posts on here.

OP if your still reading his actions were disproportionate and many of us can see it. Sadly even in today’s society victim blaming is still rife.*

@Seasaltyhair Completely agree.

How are you feeling today, OP?

I can understand that this would have been scary and upsetting for you, but I think if this is one completely random incident and he has been lovely to you for three years, I think I would be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I've read all your posts and I think from what you've described of your behaviour/what you were saying, I do think it sounds like you were behaving worse to him than he was to you, especially if you frame it from his perspective.

Hi all, thanks for the many many posts overnight and this morning. I went to bed early (having spoken to DP) and have been reading now.

There are a lot of misunderstandings and incorrect statements in people’s replies - but of course I accept that people are only responding to the information I’ve provided, and so if people are getting the wrong end of the stick, that’s because I’ve made things murky. I see a lot of people are suggesting I’m backtracking or minimising, particularly my own part in this, but I don’t think I am - just trying to clarify after my initial unclear post which was written when I was very upset and scared and trying to process what had happened.

To clear up a few points:

My relationship with my parents is fine. We’re close, but they’re not excessively in my life. DP has met them a few times and got on well. We spend far more time with his parents, who he is extremely close to. I really don’t understand why he was so fixated on whether I’d told my parents. It came out of no-where.

I think he was out cold for a second or two rather than the 10 seconds I initially said. 10 seconds IS a long time, and I got that wrong, I think I just panicked. Certainly not 10 minutes!

I have no doubt that the passing out was real, he didn’t fake it.

I walked him home to his front door. I hadn’t said that initially because I didn’t think it was relevant. But of course I was worried about him getting home safely given what had just happened. When he got in, I then contacted his flatmate who confirmed he was ok.

Some people have mentioned Clare’s Law - we both work in fields where we have enhanced DBS checks, so I know there are no concerns there.

A lot of focus (understandably) on poking/tickling - it was a playful poke in his side. He didn’t seem bothered by it I would never tickle him because I know how much he dislikes it.

You were not behaving worse to him OP.

@Seasaltyhair and @cheeseandworcestershireontoast

its not victim blaming to think that
a) his behaviour is unacceptable (if explainable and possibly medically concerning)
and
b) that her own behaviour in the run up (The goading/poking/foodwitholding) and after (not getting him medical help and kicking him out after he'd been unconscious for 10 seconds) isn't without reproach.

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

My father has been diabetic since he was 40. This was one of the first signs. Rages, coldness, clamminess, shaking. He was very placid but when his sugars were all over the place he’d be violent and argumentative

Undiagnosed diabetics do not have hypos (low blood sugar). They have high blood sugar levels.

Hypos are caused by diabetic medications lowering the blood sugar too far.

There are lots of medical reasons why the OP's DP might have collapsed, but a diabetic hypo is not one of them.

I didn’t say my father had hypos.

Before diagnosis his behaviour was awful after being placid all my life and he was diagnosed after HIGH blood sugars. He had a heart attack due to his blood sugars being so high and had been in a rage and clammy all day until he collapsed. That’s how he was diagnosed. I didn’t say anything wrong. He has hypos now on insulin though. He tends to go drowsy, clumsy and forgetful when he’s low. He’s still aggressive and argumentative when his sugars are high.

As I said, I spoke to DP last night. We were both very upset. He understood how scared I was and why, said that he never intended to frighten me but could understand that he had. He accepted that he was out of order. He said that he knew I was just joking around, but he was irritated, and rather than just tell me ‘Look, I’m not joking, I’m actually quite annoyed - can you answer my question?’ he got frustrated. We both agree the communication was poor.
He’s going to call the GP this morning to discuss what happened and whether there might have been a medical issue.
We’re giving each other space to work out how we feel.

Did he genuinely pass out or was it away to get out of what he did to you?

I wouldn't be able to trust him anymore, OP.

I think that you are wise to do that OP. There is a fair amount of victim blaming on this thread, I don’t see that you necessarily did anything wrong. If he didn’t like it he could have just stood up and told you, instead he snapped and then appeared to pass out when he realised how much he had scared you.

You asked in your opening if this was the start. It could be, red flags are waving, just be aware of them.

Please remember that no one deserves to be scared like that.

Every time the old 'double standards, mumsnet hates men, they all want you to ltb' bullshit gets trotted out on here I think of threads like this.

Threads where a man has used excessive force and left their partner scared and in tears but poster after poster tries themselves in nots trying to make it the woman's fault. And if that doesn't work trying to make it a medical issue.

It's not man hating that's an issue on mumsnet. Its victim blaming and misogyny time and time again.

If you don't like being tickled, if you don't like to be jabbed, if you don't want to be teased then you say 'stop tickling/ jabbing/ teasing me'. The other day my husband thought he was being hilarious trying to poke my belly button, I said 'stop it' and then 'stop fucking poking me I mean it' and then he said sorry he was joking and I said it wasn't funny and I didn't like it so don't do it again. He said ok I won't. The end.

I didn't grab his wrists and start hounding him with the same question over and over again until he was scared and crying. Then have some sort of suspicious 'episode'.

He was in the wrong. He used excessive force and behaved in a scary way. If he is actually a decent guy he will acknowledge that and put every effort into getting to the bottom of this episode and want caused it. He will also do whatever it takes so you can feel safe with him again. If he's actually a nasty twat whose mask slipped then he will make the right noises for a bit but it won't be long before the gas lighting and victim blaming starts - luckily you've had quite a few examples of what that might look like from some of the responses on this thread. A

*ties themselves in knots obviously, stupid bloody phone. Probably a million other typos too

@AliasGrape

Every time the old 'double standards, mumsnet hates men, they all want you to ltb' bullshit gets trotted out on here I think of threads like this.

Threads where a man has used excessive force and left their partner scared and in tears but poster after poster tries themselves in nots trying to make it the woman's fault. And if that doesn't work trying to make it a medical issue.

It's not man hating that's an issue on mumsnet. Its victim blaming and misogyny time and time again.

If you don't like being tickled, if you don't like to be jabbed, if you don't want to be teased then you say 'stop tickling/ jabbing/ teasing me'. The other day my husband thought he was being hilarious trying to poke my belly button, I said 'stop it' and then 'stop fucking poking me I mean it' and then he said sorry he was joking and I said it wasn't funny and I didn't like it so don't do it again. He said ok I won't. The end.

I didn't grab his wrists and start hounding him with the same question over and over again until he was scared and crying. Then have some sort of suspicious 'episode'.

He was in the wrong. He used excessive force and behaved in a scary way. If he is actually a decent guy he will acknowledge that and put every effort into getting to the bottom of this episode and want caused it. He will also do whatever it takes so you can feel safe with him again. If he's actually a nasty twat whose mask slipped then he will make the right noises for a bit but it won't be long before the gas lighting and victim blaming starts - luckily you've had quite a few examples of what that might look like from some of the responses on this thread. A

Well said.

Also, I don't think Clare's law does come to on DBS does it?

Something doesn't sit right with this thread.

It sounds like he had a dis-associative episode triggered by his rage.
The person cannot tolerate the situation and their body literally checks them out of the situation. The consequence of that is often that the actual 'violent' event is forgotten because the person who got violent gets 'unwell' or needs a lot of attention straight after the event.
In more extreme cases the person often cannot remember being violent which leads to all sorts of issues.

It can happen after the person has gotten very angry, but cannot tolerate those feelings.
They may have a very different idea of themselves or struggle to really know what their true identity is.
Does your partner idealise your parents? Does he have a very close relationship with them or do they 'adore' him like a son?
Something was threatened when he thought you might tell your parents that he had done something bad.

You could write down exactly what happened while it is fresh in your memory. Because part of it will be blocked from his memory. Also write down everything that comes to you about your feelings when it happened.

He frightened you (regardless of how it originated) and momentarily held you captive, so now you yourself have been traumatised from that experience. So don't dismiss that part in the rush to analyse his issues.
If a strange man had done this to you at the bus stop you'd be very shaken and calling the police afterwards. When a trusted person does it it has the same effect on our minds and body, but we tend to excuse it and dismiss it's impact.

@AliasGrape. Well said

I think the women that have responded with it doesn't seem right have prob experienced similar with men.
It is used as a tactic.
Not saying that's what happened here but something's not right.

It sounds to me (and many others) that he had some kind of medical episode - mood swings are well documented to be associated with all kinds of medical conditions, and often immediately precede other incidents such as you described. He should get himself to a doctor before either of you rush to any conclusions - I certainly wouldn't be holding this against him, especially when you consider the question he was asking was so so so odd - not "Do you think I'm cheating" or "Have you been looking at my messages" but "Have you told your parents" just seems bizarre which also suggests it was out of character and probably a side effect of the medical episode which happened immediately after.

I personally think you are focusing on the wrong thing - I know it's scary that he was so intimidating but I'd be more concerned he had a serious undiagnosed medical issue to be honest. There's no pattern of this behaviour and it didn't look like his previous panic attacks...

He collapsed and you sent him home after? I couldn’t have done that. Different if he had a history of abuse but his outburst was apparently out of character so clearly health related. I hope he gets to the bottom of what caused it.

@ProudAuntie76

My father has been diabetic since he was 40. This was one of the first signs. Rages, coldness, clamminess, shaking. He was very placid but when his sugars were all over the place he’d be violent and argumentative.

This

It's not clear it's health related.
Mumsnet arent medical professionals.
Non of it is clear as we don't know the people involved.

Also, you don't need a history of a abuse to be abusive.

Op be careful with this one.

What was the comment? Some context would be useful.

Cardinal sin of not RTFT but (this might sound made up but it's not!) my brother was diagnosed with diabetes a few years back. Most placid man in the world but this happened to him a few times before his diagnosis and subsequent treatment.

He'd have these weird outbursts and he also passed out a couple of times!