Dating Thread 199 - Come on 2021....

[LongtimelurkerL]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[Notcoolmum]

Great plan @Clovertoast

[Clovertoast]

@cravingthelook that is exactly, exactly what I need to do !

I can't fix him, I can only stop myself reacting badly to it. Hence why I ended up saying no, you don't get your cake and eat it, because that makes me pathetic and anxious because my needs aren't considered and I don't want to live like that hoping you'd change your mind.

Thats exactly how I am living ! He has told me the divorce damaged him, how he begged for counselling but she said no, how it broke him etc. How he cant ever get married, live together or even isn't sure if he wants a relationship because of it.
It kills me hearing that. It makes me feel physically sick, sad and jealous that he loved her so much but isn't brave enough to love me that much.
I feel stupidly sick and anxious all the time, yet I'm choosing that, feeling like that ALL THE TIME rather then being brave and walking....

[Heartbeats0708]

Thanks for your advice, @SortingItOut I've been mulling it over. Ideally he'd like all weekend but I'm going to go for one night instead and really think about how I feel, maybe have a chat about it/expectations and needs. I feel a bit like MrP in @Clovertoast situation, young DC and needing some down time but if I didn't see the importance of communicating that clearly before, I certainly do now to see somebody on the other end of it.
My moods are ridiculous just lately with this lockdown, I'm up and down hour to hour so I don't want to make any big decisions until I've stabilised a bit and worked out what he/I need and if we are compatible.

[bangheadhere40]

clover same with my last iron. He would say how much he did for his ex, tried so hard to make it work etc....all the time whilst treating me badly.

It really hurts doesn't it? And you wonder why can't you be like that with me...what's wrong with me! I know logically nothing is but that's how our minds work.

I used to hate hearing how he was such a lovely partner etc...and wasn't appreciated. At one point he said he would be so grateful for anyone that was nice to him....I'm just there like 😮

[bangheadhere40]

Also his 'ideal' life was ruined etc...

It's so bloomin rude, I don't know if they realise how it comes and are just opening up or if it's some deliberate backhanded put down.

[Clovertoast]

@Heartbeats0708 well its equally as helpful to hear it from you that you feel how Mr P says he does.
My moods are ridiculous just lately with this lockdown, I'm up and down hour to hour so I don't want to make any big decisions until I've stabilised a bit and worked out what he/I need and if we are compatible.
Thats basically what he has said to me, but its left me in a bit of anxious limbo....

@bangheadhere40
Yes !! Exactly that. They had a big 5 bed house that I never hear the end of, he still refers to it as the family home, they sold and now he owns a much smaller 2 bed and he is furious about that.
His life was perfect apparently.
He says he has nothing to look forward to, he cant see a time where he's ever happy again and I'm just sitting there thinking wtaf???
When I've pulled him up on it he always says, I don't mean you, you bring light to my life, you mean a lot to me, I don't take your support lightly etc but eurgh....it hurts.

[bangheadhere40]

That's what mine said...nothing to look forward to....also furious about the money side of the house. Said he may as well get used to his 'bleak' life....err thanks.

It's just so insulting isn't it!

[Eesha]

@Clovertoast the vibe I'm getting is you want loads more than he can give you, and I too see similarities between yours and @Heartbeats0708. He's just out of something long and painful so you can't really expect him to want to dive right in, and really neither should you. So either you deal with it and accept it and hope things change or you move on. The fact that you say it makes you feel physically sick that he doesn't make that effort for you is saddening. You deserve better.

[SleepyBunk]

@Heartbeats0708

Sounds a good plan - put your mental health first here.

Like @SortingItOut said your feelings are just as important as anyone else’s.

Also, just because you don’t want a full on relationship right now with your guy right now doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to change your mind at some point.

You certainly might want to go back to dating/find someone else/do what suits you in future - it’s just how you feel

I used to think as I didn’t want to get married or have children (and didn’t feel what I “ought to feel” when eligible bachelors wanted a relationship with me) there was something wrong with me and my emotions.

that meant I had to “settle” for a weird loveless existence, or just opt out and not date or have intimacy at all.

Especially as the dominant social narrative is that as women we should be “grateful” for any men who aren’t wife-beaters wanting a committed relationship with us, and we’ll end up lonely cat ladies otherwise.

But it’s ok to take time out/negotiate your own terms/just enjoy meeting and connecting with decent men at your own pace without feeling obligated.

Especially as I think many of us on the thread are post-divorce/not looking to have children or more children...

it makes even less sense to feel we have to get to a certain stage!

[Clovertoast]

Just saw this simple little poem

[bangheadhere40]

I don't think you necessarily want to see him more clover, you just want to feel special.

That was the issue with my iron really...I never felt special / appreciated..just something to pass the time really.

[bangheadhere40]

Poem is 100 percent true....hard to put into practice though 😥

[Heartbeats0708]

Genuinely sorry that you're on the receiving end of it @Clovertoast and I hope this isn't overstepping the mark but I'm not a dick about it as Mr P has been at times. When I do see my iron we have a great time, look after/treat/spoil each other and it's very equal and mutual. I just don't see him when I can't be like that because I'd hate to take advantage, hence I asked for some space and time, whereas I think with Mr P he's been less upfront about it and that's how you've been roped into chores etc.
I'm definitely lockdown weary but remain upfront and honest about where my head/heart is at.
Thank you @SleepyBunk you have summed things up well for me. I'm at that age where everyone is marrying and having kids but I did that early and don't wish to repeat.
your feelings are just as important as anyone else’s. New mantra for me. Feels selfish but if you don't look after yourself no one else will do it for you.

[Mayzee]

So things are going well with Mr TG. I don’t especially miss him hugely when I’m not with him but I love spending time with him when we can. I think he’s so consistent with comms that I never need worry if he’s into it or thinking of me because he shows he is with texting etc.
My main issue is with initiating dates. I think I’ve initiated every time we’ve met except 2 dates at the start! Now if we want to spend the night together it has to be at mine at the moment so I get that he doesn’t really want to suggest he comes over Saturday night and invite himself kind of way, so the 2 times he has come to mine I’ve asked and he has enthusiastically accepted. But he doesn’t seem to think about suggesting meeting up otherwise but is always happy to meet if I suggest - for example I was in his town for an appointment and suggested a coffee and a walk and he seemed delighted with the notion and we had a lovely time.
This weekend I’m child free for the whole weekend and no plans have been made. I can ask if he wants to come over and I’m fairly sure he will be happy to but I don’t want to be the one always asking. If he suggested a walk and coffee I could counter with ‘my kids are not here would you like to come over’ and it won’t seem like I’m the one making all the suggestions!
Argh I’m overthinking this aren’t I? I know he’s happy to meet up and has only ever said no if he has plans with his kids which are not regular as they are older teens/adults.
I just hate feeling like I’m dragging someone along even though he would probably be horrified I felt like that!
Also at what stage did any of you coupled up folks have chats about what ‘this’ is? We’ve been seeing each other for over 2 months but have only actually met up 6 times because of our circumstances but in contact every day.

Sorry so long 😬

[Eesha]

@Mayzee i think you just sound more organised and he is more laid back. What's the big deal though, you enjoy your time together, isn't that what's important?

[RaspberryMojito]

@Mayzee
That would annoy me. I’m happy to organise dates but I like whoever I’m dating to be proactive too. Maybe don’t suggest something this weekend and see if he does?

In any relationship that’s turned into something I’ve never needed to ask the ‘what is this’ question, nor had any anxiety about plans / contact etc. That may just be just a coincidence though. I think after six dates it may be a bit too early. I’d start by seeing if he suggests getting together this weekend first. Try to sit on your hands!

[SleepyBunk]

@Mayzee

I don’t think theres necessarily a clear plan forward here - an option is to just spend more time together, see how you both feel and play it by ear really?

It’s so easy to get false positives with guys coming in really strong on the initial “chase” so maybe just enjoy it for now and see how things progress.

If he’s not doing anything to make you feel insecure and you don’t feel like he’s taking you for granted then it seems like a good start.

It’s tough as well as there’s not much to do right now so no weekends away or “out out” dates to look forward to 😐

[Onesmallstep67]

@Mayzee, I think it's a bit early to be having the ' what are we?' chat. I think though you can say to him that you are happy for him to suggest meeting up. He might be taking his lead from you as your children are younger so he may assume that you will tell him when you are free. I think you are slightly over thinking, probably brought on by him being laid back about making plans. As an outsider it sounds positive, good comms and good connection when together. Covid and restrictions are making everything just a bit (lot) more like hard work - both in practice and in our heads.

[cravingthelook]

@Mayzee instead of sitting on your hands and not inviting him (which will get you a lonely weekend and a bit of annoyance). Just invite him and then when he's there enjoy it and, just talk to him and say, you understand as it's you accommodating it's not as easy for him to make plans but you'd really like it if he made suggestions too.
Healthy open communication is my motto every time.

[Clovertoast]

Haven't heard anything today since our morning messages.
We would usually have text by now to confirm the plans for tonight.
I'm actually not going to text him though, I would usually have chased by now but I'm going to sit on my hands.

[chasegirl]

How gave you managed to get dates from OLD?? I've had a few requests and made a few to meet up for a walk, tell them when I'm available, have occasionally organised a date but then it's the sound of tumbleweed.

Not sure where I go wrong

[SleepyBunk]

@chasegirl

I dunno what everyone else does but I found using tinder and bumble over a month or so I’d have quite a few matches

but like you say it’s getting to the meet that’s the hard part?

I’m not a big fan of chatting lots before meeting tbh - I tend to bring it up ASAP within first 5 messages as otherwise people overinvest.

I had about 8 date zeros/meets , went further with 3 of them with second meets


I think just bringing up lines like “give me a shout if you fancy a walk and coffee some time” or “how are you finding these apps? I prefer conversing face to face?” is quite helpful in just bringing the meet up

I think most genuine guys were happy to have a strong hint.

Tbh if someone dithered or didn’t seem to want to meet for a quick coffee (without good reason) I’d just lose interest - I didn’t want to be sending 199 WhatsApp messages to someone I didn’t know when a quick FTF would say so much more.

I’ve probably rambled a bit but my technique for getting meets is just bringing it up ASAP and then seeing what happened? If they still want to “chat” for ages I’d just backbench them a bit.

(you do get some guys who will take a meet-up suggestion as a hookup invite but then it’s better to find out sooner I think!)

[bangheadhere40]

clover that's good..do you feel better for it?

[chasegirl]

Thanks sleepy bunk. Had lots of matches on tinder but found no one replies on thee. Bumble was better but no success and then I ran out of men so might leave that for a couple of weeks and try again with your plan of action.

[Mayzee]

Thanks so much everyone. I was having a stupid wobble today when there really was no need as compared to my previous 2 irons Mr TG has never made me doubt him up to now.
@cravingthelook I think that’s what I needed to hear.
@Onesmallstep67 I think you are right in that he is always incredibly polite and respectful and not wanting to put pressure on me so he is likely to be waiting for my cues on dates - I will say something as you suggest though.
@SleepyBunk agree re the lack of dates out out - Mr TG has never seen me dressed up and wearing my killer heels- maybe I should plan a dressed up date night in instead
@Eesha I agree - just needed to hear it from some supportive people so thanks - I’m overthinking a situation that really doesn’t warrant it. I’ll enjoy living in the moment!
@RaspberryMojito thank - sitting on my hands was my first instinct and I have done so with others. I just feel he’s a bit different and I am reassured re contact levels at least. And the whole pandemic crap doesn’t help as we have had one sit down in a restaurant date in all the time together and otherwise it’s been walks, garage forecourt coffees or mine stuff of romance novels for sure 😂