Dating Thread 199 - Come on 2021....

[LongtimelurkerL]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Yea I do @Heartbeats0708 but I'm having to work on that! I've quite clearly come out of a marriage and tried to fill my loneliness and unhappiness with another relationship. Its slowly becoming clearer to me and I'm trying really hard to concentrate on me and remedy that.
But yes, I miss him. Dont you?
Is that your issue?

What are people's thoughts on this advice please....is it valid or scary man pleasing nonsense. It makes sense to me but I'm.not sure I trust myself these days!

@Clovertoast no I don't any more if I'm completely honest with myself. I value alone time and I'm not sure if it's me/lockdown/ick.
I've quite clearly come out of a marriage and tried to fill my loneliness and unhappiness with another relationship. This just really really struck a nerve with me too.

I know that's what I'm doing @Heartbeats0708 I'm definitely a people pleaser and other people's approval really matters to me. In every aspect of my life. I'm trying to fix that.
I would say listen to your inner voice. If you dont miss him then that is how you feel.
How long have you been seeing him and how long have you been apart ?

@Heartbeats0708 when my relationship was going well, i missed Mr Yoga hugely. That was after about 6 months together. At the moment it's all up in the air so I miss him but am resigned to not seeing him if you know what I mean. But before, I was always looking forward to seeing him or hearing from him. Everyone is different though, you could just be comfortable now.

Thanks for your thoughts both.
@Clovertoast I've just about shaken off the seeking approval from others thing, I just don't want to be the bad guy in my own eyes if that makes any sense. Been seeing each other over a year. My inner voice is in turmoil of it not being right yet not wanting to leave.
@Eesha yes in the first 6 months or so I felt the same. Then reality/covid etc and I've realised how damaged I am from previous relationships. I think I need to be on my own a while. I'm not afraid if being alone, I just want to make the right decision.

@Heartbeats0708

Have you discussed it with him?

I used to paralyse myself with thinking that if a Male acquaintance/someone I’d been on a few dates with was romantically interested and I wasn’t at the time I was this dreadful person/temptress

and he’d be angry and hate me but also it would be my fault (those childhood traumas run deep)

But if he’s a decent genuine guy with your best interests at heart and you tell him you’re emotionally struggling/need space/need him to help you here, you may be pleasantly surprised at his response.

If he’s angry/a dick about it then that’s not your problem.

I have @SleepyBunk at length, I've asked for space and we haven't seen each other for a few weeks now. Trouble is I know he's looking forward to seeing me at the weekend and I don't especially want to see him.
If it were just a few dates I wouldn't feel so bad but we're a bit beyond that now. He is such a decent and genuine guy I just don't feel like I want a relationship, I couldn't ask for anyone better so it's not him it's me, to quote a terrible cliche..

@Heartbeats0708 if that's how you feel, I would say better to tell him. There isn't anything wrong with needing to do things for yourself and actually lockdown might be perfect for it. Why not say use the lockdown as time out?

@Heartbeats0708
I have a boyfriend of over a year and when we didnt see each other for a few weeks due to Covid I didnt miss him and was quite worried, I even posted on here about it but then when I did see him I realised that I had missed seeing him but not in a paralysing cant go on without him but more a missed our chats, laughs and of course the sex.
We then had a further week of no contact as I got Covid and I didnt miss him.
My life is pretty hectic and full so there wasnt much chance to miss him too be fair and I wondered how I had time to see him.

I agree with others that you need to be honest with him.
Is the plan to see him all weekend or just 1 day/night - if its the former is the thought of that daunting?
When Mr K stays over I like him gone by 9.30 on weekends so I've got the day to myself, its not that I dont like him being with me but I feel I cant get on and do things while he is at mine as he's my guest and I have to keep him entertained.

Would seeing him less help?
From your other comments about craving alone time, I'm the same, I'm an introverted extrovert.
For work and other times I'm very extrovert but then I get a bit peopled out and need alone time, no noise, no distractions and I just stay in my house.

My relationship with Mr K works well, we see each other 2 or 3 times a week so on the other nights I get to recharge my batteries and so does he as he has his son every weekend and 1 evening in the week.

Whatever you want is fine, please dont worry about hurting anyone. If it doesnt feel right then its not right.

@Clovertoast I think the idea of focusing on what makes you happy is a great one. But not seeing it as a way to attract a man. Or as a way to ignore behaviours that don't make you happy.

I miss Mr B loads when he goes. But then enjoy being by myself. I quite like the routine of having half a week together and half a week by myself. Last week I was a bit fed up that my housework was suffering as I don't tend to do anything other than a quick tidy or wipe when he's here so I just decided to act as I would if he wasn't there. And he joined in and did some housework too which was so nice.

I'm a bit hard work at the moment. I'm missing life and friends and going out. Bored of watching tv and not doing much else. Need warmer days and lighter nights.

Hmm yes I see what you mean @Notcoolmum.
Well its Friday and for the last year I would have gone to Mr Ps tonight and stayed till Sunday as his kids left this morning.
We haven't said that's not what we're doing but I can feel thats what he's gearing up to say today.
His morning message was about him being tired and having a lot on so he'll be working into the evening.
I'm trying to feel like thats ok, that its perfectly ok to want an evening to yourself, so why dont I?
Because it is ok isnt it ? His kids literally left this morning after 4 days he must need a bit of time ?
I wonder what's so wrong with me that it makes me anxious?
It doesn't help I'm really struggling with lockdown now and cant see friends or family as an alternative!!!
Someone shake me please !!!!

@Clovertoast do you subconsciously feel he should be making more of an effort after everything that has happened? Or are you still feeling anxious about his feelings for you? Maybe take the bull by the horns and say you should take this weekend for yourself rather than wait for him to bring it up. It's an awkward chat because no one wants to upset the other. Think about what you want. My feeling is you want much more from him than he can offer/knows how to offer you.

It is hard right now @Clovertoast when we are limited to seeing one person. But it is reasonable for him to want time alone too. But I know i would feel sad sat alone on a Friday night thinking my bf had chosen not to see me so i understand. What are your childcare arrangements like? Do you have more free time than Mr P?

I have older teens 16 and 18 so I am free whenever I would like really. They like having the house to themselves and are responsible and quiet.
So yes, I have more free time.
His are both are under 10 so they are little.
I think I do want more then he can/wants to give. He's admitted thats a worry of his.
I think he would like to take this evening to relax but I wish he would just say and then I would know.
I dont want to bring it up as I've agreed its reasonable for him to have space, and it is !!! But it would appear I've lied to him and myself because it IS bothering me.
Christ I'm needy

@Clovertoast youre not needy, but you have different needs. Just say to him to enjoy the time to relax and chill. I have two toddlers so can imagine it's a lot for him. I was seeing Mr Yoga each weekend and once he said he needed to do stuff/life admin and I was a bit hurt, but actually by Sunday he was so grateful to have that time and felt so much better for it. Worth a shot.

@Clovertoast agree with @Eesha not having your needs met doesn't make you needy. My kids are the same age and basically ignore me!!

@Clovertoast and it's fine to see he can't meet your needs. There will be someone out there who can.

@Clovertoast I think its human nature to be offended or hurt if someone doesnt want to see us whether that is a boyfriend, a friend or family.

It is reasonable that he wants time on his own and 2 kids under 10 use up a lot of energy and head space.
What is not acceptable is the hint dropping rather than actually just saying outright he would like the evening to himself (I had this issue with Mr K, 9.5 times out of 10 he would just say he needed an evening to himself but .5 he would hint towards it and it wound me up so much)

Turn it around to you saying that you needed time for yourself because you were tired/just had enough and wanted some alone time, you would hope Mr P would accept that and not be upset/offended.

Coming out of an awful marriage where the other person probably didnt even like ypu much to a relationship where the other person does like you and wants to spend time with you is tough and takes a lot of adjusting.
I expect Mr P asking for time on his own triggers all sorts of feelings from your marriage of being unliked and unwanted.

In time you would get used to not seeing him at every spare moment of his but right now its so new, coupled with him saying he wasn't sure about the relationship has thrown you into a tizz.

I definitely think counselling would help you.

Also can you plan some nice stuff to do tonight and tomorrow just for you to take your kind off Mr P?

@Clovertoast is it because deep down you have an anxiety that you're being rejected? I recognise this tendency in myself and know that I have an anxious attachment style which stems from my childhood and any sort of rejection is very triggering for me and becomes disproportionately upsetting.

You know rationally that it is completely normal for him to want this time to himself. I totally get that it is frustrating that he is not just coming out with it and saying it - but as @Eesha says these conversations are awkward even with both parties not wanting to upset the other. I wonder if a way forward might be to tell him that it is the uncertainty and dancing around the subject that is difficult for you, and to lay out clearly what the new parameters are going to be.

Be kind to yourself, because if you do suffer from this sort of anxious attachment (and have previously found yourself in dysfunctional relationships for example) then this is just something that is harder for you than it might be for some people.

Regarding your earlier messages and whether it makes sense to be like that, I think they do make sense. I know when I think about how I'd feel if someone was repeatedly clingy and wanting more from me than I either could or wanted to give, I would find it offputting. This doesn't stop me behaving like it when I'm feeling in a spiral of anxiety however. Do you have a therapist? I have found it very helpful this time around to talk regularly to someone as I navigate the mine field that is early stage relationships.

It's also normal to want to see your Bf at the weekend. And even more so when he is the only other adult you can see. His needs don't have to come before yours. Seeing they are different is helpful. And then considering whether there is a compromise that can work for you both. Or is it now clear you have different needs, are at different stages and actually this isn't going to work for you.

@Clovertoast, I think some of you wanting to see Mr P at the moment is to check out in person that some of the issues that have come up recently are improving. I'm useless at giving space when I feel there are things that need to be resolved. But sometimes the benefits outweigh the costs. I wouldn't wait for him to say what the plans for the weekend are, I would suggest some myself. When will his children be back in his care ? Why not just go over for the day or at most one night ? And try to make that more of a date rather than you being there loads and invariably feeling like you need to help out with household stuff so that it gets done. Go for a walk, come back and have a takeaway. Make it quality rather than quantity for the next few weeks.

I've been pretty quiet. I've been in an emotional whirlwind that has been heightened by everything going on in my life and lockdown.

Remember Mr Hometown - well we hit it off more than I realised. We talked everyday, always a good Morning and a good night and daft messages during the day.
He helped me with my car and I made him dinner and he ended up staying over. We logged on to our jobs from bed and it just felt so relaxed and normal. I got wrapped up in it. Sex became loving and affectionate. He gave many compliments and made me feel important.
But he kept insisting that he didn't want a FWB he just didn't crave sex enough for that and I could see as many people as I liked (and I'm still talking to others). All at the same time holding my hand and sending my good nights and good mornings. He opened up and told me of his past trauma and it told me a lot about him. We had a disagreement on text at the beginning of the week and he misunderstood my meaning - he didn't message that night or the next morning and I was gutted.
It showed me I was getting hooked.
So I said I couldn't do this halfway house of him physically and emotionally treating me like a girlfriend whilst holding me at arms length and telling me that I wasn't even a FWB. So I ended it, wee had an uncomfortable text exchange and I got upset, because he wasn't even bothered, which he just read as me bringing him drama. So I didn't message for 2 days.
I went on fab and put some new photos up and started a load of new conversations. That didn't take away the feeling I just wanted to talk to him, I was just uneasy.
So I put my big girl pants on this morning and sent him a message. He responded positively and I suggested just friends and I feel a bit relieved now. I can do friends but I can't do that level of affection without it meaning something.
I feel like I learned an important lesson.

I'm still chatting Mr FF - it just being friendship and sexy chat as that 140 miles isn't disappearing any time soon.
Mr BeachHut also came back and we are just light chatting.

I can't remember what I called him but I'm going to say Mr SAS (the lovely local older guy) as that suits him, is being sweet and kind and a moral boost and I just like having him around. It's a much more natural FWB. It's friendship and sex but not getting emotionally attached. This is how it should be. I have analysed the difference between this and Mr hometown. It's definitely Mr HT and his behaviour - I'm not a therapist but it's obvious he really wants love and affection but he's terrified of getting hurt. I can't address that for him. So I'm standing strong in my resolve that he is not right as a FWB for me. I love his company though so friends it is.

I have a trillion new messages on Fab ... I'm just enjoying chats and telling people I don't have plans to meet strangers until restrictions lift. The ones that are potentially a good meet will come through in the messaging.

Ok, so a mammoth update, but I needed to spill all of that out. So thanks.

They are " his " again from Monday morning but he's a key worker so they are at school. So he will have them back when he picks them up Monday afternoon.
Looking at it objectively I can see that I have been there a lot, his entire childfree weekends so he has had to do house work and washing etc while I'm there cos when else would he do it ?? And I've ended up lending a hand because I want to help him. He does stress about it and tells me off for jumping up and washing up etc.
I think I'm trying to almost make us a married couple while I'm there, to show him, look , look what a great wife I could be !!! Cos I've never had that. I was with a disinterested, abusive, addict that made me feel small all the time.

Anyway, all the advice is great.
Thank you. Lots to think about.
I'm.not going to text or think anymore about it.

I have a job and kids of my own to think about and thats what I'm going to do. I must must focus on me.

And having read your post @freelancedolly I realise I saw Mr HT's push and pull as a rejection of me personally and that stung. I just kept thinking but you care for me, you like me, you can't keep your hands off me - so why can't you just let go of your past trauma and hang ups and enjoy it for what it is?

I can't fix him, I can only stop myself reacting badly to it. Hence why I ended up saying no, you don't get your cake and eat it, because that makes me pathetic and anxious because my needs aren't considered and I don't want to live like that hoping you'd change your mind.