Dating Thread 199 - Come on 2021....

[LongtimelurkerL]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Clovertoast
Great news about the talk, I'm really pleased you were able to speak up about your own feelings rather than it being all about him and what he wants.
So is the plan that he still wants space for now or are you going to see each other regularly but not all his spare time?
Its a minefield juggling kids, friends, work, family and dating.

@Dancerinthemoonlight sorry to hear the interview didnt go well, I'm glad you've debriefed with craving. A bit like dating, thank god the CEO showed his true colours early on, imagine if he hadn't and you started there and then one day his attitude just started.
The perfect job is out there.

@TheCatWithTheHat Its great you've been able to talk to Miss Forest about things, hopefully it was just first time nerves.

Good luck with the interview today.

@TheCatWithTheHat pretty poor about the interview rescheduling, was it via zoom or had you gone in?

Good news about Miss Forest though, communication is key and I always think you should give it a few dates to see how things go.

No word from Mr Yoga since Sunday so I'm in two minds whether to check in and say hi. His last message was saying he was thinking about me etc and some other stuff so I replied nicely. My friend says to leave it and let him come to me but I'm just not sure.

TheCatwithTheHat - Good luck with Miss Forrest and hopefully it was nerves and also good luck with the interview.

Eesha - I'd leave it with Mr Yoga for now and not contact him.

With me - had a couple of messages - from Mr Maintenance - not sure about him, a lighthearted first message marriage proposal from an Italian man and a load of red lips from someone too. Ugh to all 3!

@Eesha Personally I'd check in just to say Hi plus a comment about the weather/something else mundane.
At the end of the day he's still your boyfriend so why wouldnt you check in occasionally.

@SortingItOut @CleverCatty what's stopping me is he was the one who said he was struggling with his autism and needed to hide away from the world for a bit. He did reach out a few days later to say hi and that he was thinking about me etc. I think I might leave it till the weekend and casually check in. Although he's my boyfriend, hes been the one needing time.

[quote Eesha]**@SortingItOut* @CleverCatty* what's stopping me is he was the one who said he was struggling with his autism and needed to hide away from the world for a bit. He did reach out a few days later to say hi and that he was thinking about me etc. I think I might leave it till the weekend and casually check in. Although he's my boyfriend, hes been the one needing time.[/quote]
Ah - autism - in that case I would casually check in at the weekend.

If it's boyfriend rather than an iron then ok to check in.

@Eesha, I'd check in with him. As sorting said keep it simple and open. It's difficult because in an ideal world you want what you have previously had with him but he's clearly still feeling out of sync with life. Let's hope that things ease up for him soon and he feels able to resume more regular contact again. It's difficult to know exactly how to be with him but maybe just focus on being friendly. You know better than we do how he can be with you when he's on top form. Hopefully this is just a passing phase brought on by current situation. Lots of people are feeling it at the moment.

@CleverCatty yes Aspergers. Im really not knowledgeable on all this really but am slowly learning.

[quote Eesha]@CleverCatty yes Aspergers. Im really not knowledgeable on all this really but am slowly learning.[/quote]
I don't know much about Aspergers either apart from the teenage son of a family friend had it.

@Onesmallstep67 exactly, I want what we had before and because of this, it's in limbo. I'm also feeling out of sync, the thought of not seeing family till after Easter plus home schooling is difficult but mainly that there isn't an end in sight. I feel extra nervous because of these recent deaths close to me and it's made me anxious about things.

Hugs @Eesha you must be feeling very at sea today 😔

@Eesha, try not to let the anxiety build. You've had a lot to process. Losing people to illness and having relationship uncertainty is deeply unsettling and is a time you would naturally seek support but that is so difficult at the moment. You are doing brilliantly. I'm sure your young DC keep you busy and ' in the moment' with their needs. Do you technically have a support bubble at the moment?

@Onesmallstep67 thank you! Yes i have my family as support but we aren't seeing each other just because it feels quite scary at the moment. I'm ok and can manage my children but things just feel a bit more daunting at present. I chat to friends most nights. Everyone I know is feeling this way because we now know people who have passed away.

@Eesha, I think that is the crux of it. You have lost people known to you and the reason is an illness we are all susceptible to and can potentially come into contact with. It's bringing a heightened fear and an almost forced isolation. Mr Yoga will have his own version of these feelings and fears. I'm glad that you are connecting with friends. And us on here. I'd be lost without this thread and everyone's stories, anecdotes, advice and commaraderie.

@Onesmallstep67 I'd be lost without this thread too, all helping each other virtually. It's amazing here.

@TheCatWithTheHat good to hear about Miss Forest - hope it goes well

Sorry to hear @Eesha you are being very understanding. I think your initial idea of having a March ish end of lockdown deadline on this all seems a good idea. I would text, if it's light then it's not demanding to text

Hi all
@TheCatWithTheHat good luck today.
@Eesha I'm sorry you feel down. You are such a supportive member of this thread, I know I have really benefitted from your kindness.
I think you have been incredibly understanding to Mr Yoga but as you have rightly said to me, is this what works for you ?
I know I wouldn't be able to not text and would be incredibly anxious at not hearing anything since Sunday so you're clearly more together than me. I think as a pp said, if you consider him to be your boyfriend and not just an iron you should be able to drop him a text, just to stay connected. No pressure, just to remind him you are there.
I hope you're ok

@Clovertoast thank you! And glad things with Mr P is back on track on your terms. I was sitting on my hands last week but less so this week purely because he did make contact last weekend. I guess time does give a different perspective on things.

Found you all

Still seeing MrTall, but over the last week or so I have been having niggling doubts about his situation so I gave him an easy get out, basically asking him straight what his situation with his exW was. His answer was mostly what he had said before so nothing too surprising but it did out some untruths he had told but I can't shift my niggles over him and it's making me doubt whether we should continue. He's also maybe coming on a bit too strong, although he is very respectful and doesn't shove it down my throat, he does keep mentioning his feelings he's developing.
It's very soon since his marriage ended and I am not completely sure I'm not some sort of rebound- reasonably attractive, solvent with a good career and relatively normal and can easily 'accommodate' (fab term!) whereas he's not been great with money and is maybe at a different stage of life than me despite us being similar ages.
He's still active on fab and we haven't discussed exclusivity.
So please, no judgement on the next part

Today I had my ex fwb round to do some work on my house and we ended up having sex
(Brief back story- we ended because he admitted he had a gf- and still does we had maybe got in a bit too deep with each other hence his admission I think)

I'm not sure if I need to give this too much thought or not... am I self sabotaging? Just not that into MrTall or should I just accept it for what it is- I had a err itch that needed scratching and that's the end of that?

Ugh.

@30somethingandstillsingle

I’d trust your instincts here - you don’t need to make any immediate decisions but maybe don’t let him get too comfy at yours for now?

If it has legs and he DOES have feelings, then he’ll be ok meeting outside for coffee and staying connected, without needing to come over and you hosting/accommodating him?

You can see how things pan out when he’s actually moved out and is independent.

@SleepyBunk thanks, we do meet up for a walk or coffee sometimes, but yes I think you are right.

Sounds like you can afford to wait really @30somethingandstillsingle - if you haven’t just emotionally gone off him completely. I mean you’re not losing anything by going for a coffee.

it’s kind of a blessing in disguise that he isn’t off Fab as that means that you can also step back a bit/keep your options open?

In three months time, he might well be in a little rented studio of his own with saving plans in place and it could look very different (or not!)

@30somethingandstillsingle it sounds like you just got a bit swept away at first with Mr Tall and now assessing it properly. Agree with @SleepyBunk about slowing it down a bit til he's more sorted and re-evaluate.

If you've been apart from your iron/dp whatever for a couple of weeks do you miss them?

@30somethingandstillsingle if he's still active on Fab, then you can do what you like with whomever. I think if you are distrustful already, then it's hard to get past all this.