Dating Thread 199 - Come on 2021....

[LongtimelurkerL]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[SleepyBunk]

@chasegirl Yea lot of flakes and timewasters so don’t take it personally - just try to filter them out asap and get to the more genuine ones? I think guys often chat to more than one woman and lose interest quickly so without ignoring red flags, try to make the meet “easy” to plan. Good luck

@Mayzee

MrC should be back next week and I actually think I’m just going to do a run near his and just say I’ll drop in then, and if I use his shower he can make me a drink whilst I’m in there .

Normally I’m a plan sophisticated outfit/dress/clothes person

but at the moment with this lockdown and weather I just feel really dull and flat and low key! We did one dinner out before big lockdown last year and it wasn’t great tbh - queuing and masks etc.

[Clovertoast]

Evening all.
You all sound so together I do admire you.
I text in the end
I sent a breezy evening how you doing text.
He text back about 15 mins later saying he had been asleep all afternoon and was about to order some food and relax in front of the tv. It was bright and asking me how my day was.
No mention of seeing me or not seeing me despite it being the norm for the last 9 months or so.
So, I guess this is him wanting his space. The only thing is I feel like ice handed him all the decision making on a plate cos he now clearly decides when we see each other..
Although, no mention of tomorrow or Sunday so who knows..🤷🏻‍♀️

[Eesha]

@Clovertoast texting doesn't mean you are weak. You gave him the space he needs. Just be cool and breezy and assume you aren't seeing him this weekend but will see him next weekend for sure. You are both trying to navigate a new normal now.

@SleepyBunk definitely dress up for Mr C, why not!?

I had an evening of chats with various friends tonight which was lovely. I had planned to text Mr Yoga this weekend but I'm now thinking not to. I feel like although he has a lot on, he needs to miss me and want to be with me rather than me instigating things. The fact that he hasn't contacted me since last Sunday tells me he has more important things than me to sort out (or that I've been ghosted or slow faded). I've left the door open already with my message last week. I'm not planning on dating until maybe long after lockdown ends anyway so I'm just going to concentrate on making myself feel better plus my kids!

[Whoknows11]

Oh @eesha you deserve better, however your iron is dealing with things.

You sound strong and have the right attitude x

[Clovertoast]

Yep that's what I'm doing. I'm answering his very casual chit chat texts but thats it.

You do sound amazingly strong @Eesha I wish I had your strength

[Eesha]

@Whoknows11 @clovertoast thank you! It's just the longer he leaves things with sporadic contact, the more it eats away at my feelings for him and makes me more objective. That said, he did say he was having difficulties with his autism and I did say he should take that time to heal. So I did agree to this in the first place. So never say never. My logic is he needs to really want 'us' and at the moment, I think he doesn't (because he's trying to sort his mental health out), and I can do better than that, even on my own.

[SleepyBunk]

@Eesha

Sounds like you’re in a good place - keep on with putting yourself first. Even the little self-care things all add up.

It can be harder to see things objectively when you really like MrYoga and “vibe” well when you’re physically together.

But often guys just don’t have the emotional empathy or social skills to maintain a relationship outside of great dates.

MrMilitary and I are like twin souls separated at birth together and the chemistry is amazing. I feel about twenty years younger with the boyfriend I wanted when I was a teen!

But then the communication apart from that is fairly sporadic/immature and I feel like I’m taking energy away from my own life.

It’s actually ok for me to say I’m quite sensitive and thrive best with an emotionally supportive guy!

Weirdly enough I was thinking of the woman I know who married someone with a similar personality in a similar job years ago (he asked me out first but I was too depressed) and she’s got a much more strong and confident personality than me/supportive family etc so she doesn’t need a man who offers emotional support!

So I know MrMilitary is best as a sort of Male side-chick/casual thing - I enjoy the connection but it’s too much hard work for a proper relationship!

[freelancedolly]

@Eesha I think you're dealing with this remarkably well and that you're doing the right thing - he needs to come to you and in the meantime, you can get a better perspective on whether this is what you're looking for too.

My iron and I have been bumbling along in lockdown with ups and downs and me not really knowing how I feel about it. After our slightly mad but lots of fun trip away in December, we saw each other a couple of times before lockdown hit and have been in contact daily. My feelings about it go up and down because there was definitely a wobble on his part while we were away in the sense that he is most definitely still getting over the end of his marriage and I'm not sure he's quite ready to properly engage in a new relationship. Reading pp on this thread between @bangheadhere40 and @Clovertoast about having to listen to them talk about the life that's been ripped away from them etc etc ... resonated somewhat.

I think whilst my feelings are up and down, his are more straightforward - he thinks we should not overthink things and wait for lockdown to lift. (Not overthink things - bah!). I am always seeking certainty and reassurance and trying to keep a lid on that because let's face it - who knows what the fuck's going to happen or whether he's right for me or whatever. We do get on very well and make each other laugh, but ultimately because of Covid haven't had much of a chance for things to 'bed in'. These are such mad times - and the thought of it going on until May or whatever - bleugh.

[freelancedolly]

@Clovertoast - I can imagine you are now left feeling like you are waiting around to see when he's going to decide he wants to see you. Which is no good whatsoever and totally anxiety-inducing. Could you initiate an exchange at some point over the next few days to discuss what's happening next weekend, and say that you're planning next weekend and does he want to 'meet' on one of the days? I think this way you take the initiative, make it sound like you're filling your diary and this is his chance to be lucky enough to be IN IT, and if not then at least you're not angsting until Friday with him skirting around with messages of being tired etc. These things are hard, don't be hard on yourself for finding it all really difficult to deal with.

[Notcoolmum]

I hope you are ok @Clovertoast I think this is particularly hard in lockdown. My normal advice would be to make yourself busy. Have plans with friends and don't be available the next time he asks. But in lockdown it's a different kettle of fish.

@eesha I'm so sorry to hear Mr Y hasn't been in touch since Sunday. I would find that totally unacceptable. I think you got some great advice on the thread you started and most of those women had understanding but also boundaries and their partners took hours out to decompress. Not days. The way you are putting yourself and your needs at the centre is great.

Funnily I've had a conversation with a few friends recently about expectations of a partner. I don't think one person can be all things. My girlfriends are so important and more intuitive for emotional support. And they agreed they talk to me and other friends about more emotional issues they wouldn't do with their husbands. I think it's interesting to consider how your needs are met in the whole, your family and your partner. Rather than expecting your partner to meet them all.

[Clovertoast]

@freelancedolly next weekend is his weekend with the children. He has them 5050 so every other weekend and 3 or 4 days in the week. It doesn't leave him much free time and is sometimes changeable depending on his or the exw work needs so I cant make plans really or ask him too.
@Notcoolmum that is exactly what I want to do. I want to go out and get him off my mind but I can't.

I've had a good morning message so he's still ticking boxes and checking in, but no mention of us seeing each other.
I ordered a plant at the start of the week to be delivered today to him in memory of the parent he has lost. He told me last week it reminded him of them and how he wanted to get one.
I've just had a text to say it's been delivered but no word yet.
I feel stupid now, like I'm doing too much.

[Clovertoast]

A text from the delivery company not him

[Eesha]

@Notcoolmum thank you, its a difficult one because he did tell me last weekend that he was having a hard time with his autism and that it was up and down for him and he needed to hide away for a bit. So I said he should take the time to heal. So really I agreed to this time. For me to now go back and ask what's going on is a bit hypocritical unless I just checked in. But I don't really want to do that, I want him to come to me when he feels like he can focus on me/us. But the longer he leaves it, the harder it becomes to appreciate all the good times we had. And makes me feel like he doesn't want a relationship with me either. Unless we have an actual chat, it feels like it's in limbo.

[Eesha]

@Clovertoast i would have done exactly the same with the plant. See if he thanks you.

[Slothmomma]

Just caught up with the thread

Now worried I'm one of those people damaged by the end of their marriage described up thread 😱 after 2 decades with ex I was happy, didn't want it to end, probably resent that it did and the life I lost, will never marry again, don't want to live with anyone again etc but I never discuss this with irons save for being upfront about not wanting to marry/live together etc so hopefully I'm not as bad as the irons described on here 🙈

Not much happening on apps. Barely swiping on anyone. Got a match last night. 3rd message in he tells me he "misses intimacy" - oh I can see where this is going 🤦‍♀️ asks me what I'm looking for in man. Describe qualities I look for. Ask same and get the "looking for sexy, glamorous, confident with a naughty side" back answer - oh bore off - said I don't tick his boxes so he unmatched (before I could 😆)

[Clovertoast]

@Slothmomma I don't think there is anything wrong in how you feel, and you are upfront about it so that's entirely fair. In my situation Mr P said at the start he was looking for a relationship but then at Christmas came the " actually I don't know what I want but its definitely not marriage or cohabitation and actually I would like to see you less, " revelation!
So for me, I feel sad I thought this was heading somewhere.
You are being upfront so no one is confused.
I'm sorry you feel like your marriage has damaged you.
I think mine clearly damaged me but in an entirely different way. I couldn't wait for it to end, I was unhappy for ages and now I just want to be in a happy team with someone but I appear to have put my eggs in a broken basket and am incapable of taking them back out again....

[Slothmomma]

clovertoast youre going through a rough time with the uncertainty at the moment but remember that you do have options. The one you don't want to take will hurt but you will recover so it is still an option 🤗

I'm just hoping I'll find someone that wants similar to me. Its not that I don't want to love again (and be loved) but I am clear on the not wanting to marry again etc 🤷‍♀️

[Notcoolmum]

You really aren't incapable of taking your eggs back @Clovertoast I think at the moment you still have hope he will turn this around and be the man you want and give you the relationship you want. From the outside I can see he's a man who isn't ready for a serious relationship. Has young kids 50/50 and wants time on his own outside of that. You are a woman who is ready for something meaningful. Your kids are more independent and you have free time you want to fill with a partner.

Neither of you are in the wrong. But your situations aren't aligned. I don't see his situation changing which means it would be you compromising on your wants and needs.

But it's easy for me to say that sitting here. And I have been where you are sitting and kept things going on the hope they would change. They never did though.

@eesha I know you told Mr Y to take some time. I don't think many of us here would think a week without even a checking in text would be acceptable in a committed and loving relationship. I'd be stubborn AF right now and would not be getting in touch with him. I really do hope you are ok as you sound lovely and patient and deserve to be happy.

[Onesmallstep67]

@Clovertoast, is lockdown making you feel like you have no other option but to stick with Mr P and accept his wishes for a bit more time to himself ? I think you could probably accept this if you were able to get out and socialise away from him. But there is little or no potential for that at the moment. In real terms how long between the end of your marriage and meeting Mr P was there ? Did you go on any other dates ? I think I said before I definitely needed to fill the void left by DH when he passed away. So early doors was looking for the real deal. But over time I discovered that actually I could be quite happy taking it as it came and my self esteem was boosted massively by the attention I got. I also learnt that I could function perfectly well when not in a relationship. That's not to say I haven't felt flat and fed up at times with OLD. Now, several years and 3 relationships on I trust that there are plenty of potential people out there who could be a good match for me. Compromise but don't settle.

[Clovertoast]

@Notcoolmum your post is exactly how I think it is. I also think he feels guilty so doesn't want to come out and say it,, so he's maybe just slowly backing out.
@Onesmallstep67 yes,lockdown is making it much worse.
I'm an actual mess I really am. I'm still in bed just moping and checking my phone every 5 mins. I'm making myself ill.
I've even given in and text him and asked him if he's received the parcel this morning as he hasn't acknowledged it
I met him after 8 months of my ex moving out. He was a year after leaving the house but 2 years divorced. He stayed in the house while it was being sold and I suspect hoped it would all resolve itself.
He was the first person I met OLD and no I had no other dates....
I've done everything wrong haven't I
I suppose in my mind reading these threads has scared me because he's always been so nice and constant and never messed me around and so I assumed I had got lucky. Now I really like him and I'm scared to let him go, that's the truth of it.

[bangheadhere40]

@Clovertoast do you think it would help to chat about if he does see this going anywhere long-term? Lay your cards on the table so to speak.

I know I would find this incredibly difficult too and would be scared of the outcome. At least then you know where you stand. I really feel for you as there's nothing worse than being in limbo.

@Eesha sorry Mr Yoga hasn't been in touch...I think that's pretty mean of him.

I also admire everyone's strength here and wish I could apply this to real life.

[Notcoolmum]

Aw @Clovertoast you haven't done anything wrong. You were full of optimism and looking to start again. For some the first person they meet is the one. I honestly don't think Mr P is the one. There is more than your mismatched situations. Ignoring you when you are at his. Coming up to bed after you. Those aren't good signs. I wonder if you were so conditioned by your bad marriage you see Mr P as better and therefore good enough. I don't think he is good enough for you. There are many, many more men out there. And it may take a while to find one but you aren't stuck with the first one you meet.

I did very similar to you. Started a relationship with someone at work weeks after my husband moved out. He had some really good points. But he was also just out of a long relationship and he played hot and cold with me for years. I thought he was just so perfect for me if only he could see it... it dragged on for years. He cheated on me. I was heartbroken and it took me years to recover from.

Now I know there are many more men out there. And not one is perfect. Just as I'm not perfect. But there a few who will be a good fit for me. Mr B was my 3rd online relationship. And we are a good fit. I don't want us to split up. But I feel certain I could meet somebody else if that happened and when I was ready. But I only know that from experience.

[Clovertoast]

Thank you @Notcoolmum that whole post is helpful.
I'm going to screenshot it with some others.
I need to get out of bed and get dressed. He hasnt read or replied to my message this morning, no idea if he wants to see me tonight, tomorrow or anything. I'm.not going to ask. But if he does suggest it I'm.going to lay my cards on the table and be honest. I can't make it any worse can I 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Notcoolmum]

No. And don't be afraid of expressing your wants and needs. You are an equal part of this relationship and you deserve to be happy. Most of us have had bad marriages and we deserve better this time around.

I watch a lot of sex and the city when I feel like that! Although Carrie and Mr Big are a dreadful relationship role model.

[Eesha]

@Clovertoast i think you have some great advice here and I can read how sad you are about all this. I hope things improve for you, you seem lovely and deserve happiness as we all do.