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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 199 - Come on 2021....

993 replies

LongtimelurkerL · 26/01/2021 14:50

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
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VanGoghsDog · 21/02/2021 00:35

I get nervous but it will wear off. Does having a drink help at all?

I have Walking Guy (MrWG?) coming over tomorrow morning, bringing me breakfast. I think we've established mutual interest is there. Will see what happens post breakfast I guess! (Though my body has decided to make me postpone having too much fun by having a period after seven months of not having one, but I'm hopeful it could be the last ever 🤞)

Heartbeats0708 · 21/02/2021 06:55

@UtterSocks I am struggling to be positive. Really struggling. And actually I have a lot to be thankful for. I really feel this too. I've just completely run out of steam, hoping the announcement tomorrow will bring some hope. Even just dates to focus on would be good (calendar, not romantic. Not ready for that yet).
@frankiefirstyear some people just really get under your skin don't they? I've had it with one guy before, the cold sweats, clammy hands and somersaulting stomach. No advice, I couldn't do anything to make it pass!
@DdraigGoch are you on anything other than Bumble?
@cravingthelook hope you're feeling brighter today Flowers

SortingItOut · 21/02/2021 07:18

@Clovertoast I'm so pleased you've kept yourself busy when not with Mr P, its good for your own mental health.

Cant wait to hear the day when you pass your tests and can drove, the world will be your oyster.

@VanGoghsDog Enjoy your breakfast and anything else🙈

frankiefirstyear · 21/02/2021 07:39

@SleepyBunk really sound advice, you're absolutely right, he's a bit nervous too judging some of the things he's said (getting muddled up in hilarious fashion etc) and doesn't put me off at all
@VanGoghsDog thank you, I will have a drink to help, that's a great idea 🤦‍♀️ I never really drink so didn't occur to me! Enjoy your breakfast
@Heartbeats0708 I can't even remember feeling like this in school crushes, I'm guessing having nothing much to do all day is amplifying everything in my head as it's all I've got to think about!

DdraigGoch · 21/02/2021 08:13

@Heartbeats0708 I'm also on Tinder and Match.

Heartbeats0708 · 21/02/2021 09:47

@frankiefirstyear good luck! Go easy on it if you don't tend to drink though, it could get a whole lot more embarrassing 😂
That's good @DdraigGoch I found better luck on tinder for my/our age bracket. Happy to do a profile review if you think it might help!

WingingItAtLife · 21/02/2021 09:57

Bit of a lurker here but have been following the thread.
I posted about two weeks ago about a potential iron I was meeting for the first time.

Longtime lurker good news on the deleting profiles!

Clover, glad you're feeling better! That's great, well done. Your plans with your teenagers sounded fab.

Vangoghsdog that joke of your ex's was absolutely not funny 🙄

Good luck HAM and cravingthelook on your walking dates today!!

Frankie, I felt a bit like you. Nervous about things.
I've been chatting to an iron for about two months. Due to childcare circumstances I'm only available on alternative weekends so can't meet much. However we do phone calls and voice notes a lot. We are both very interested in each other and there was sexual tension.
So seeing him again yesterday I thought, why not? I invited him in my house and we had a coffee and we dtd, it felt natural and wasn't awkward or anything. Good luck this evening!

WingingItAtLife · 21/02/2021 09:59

So, I'm after a bit of advice,
I am only "available" for dates/meets every other weekend. My children won't stay out anywhere other than their dads and he won't have them anymore than 2 nights every other weekend.
I don't mind this, I love having my children. But it makes it a little awkward with being able to see Mr Green.
I have been honest from the start and he says he doesn't mind although would like to see me more than that.
Anyone been in similar situations? How did it work out for you?

frankiefirstyear · 21/02/2021 10:38

I'm in a similar situation. Though both myself and Mr M have kids so he's quite understanding. My kids don't stay out anywhere ever but are quite young so stay in bed so he comes over then, his are up and down the stairs the whole time we're on the calls so even given the chance it wouldn't work there 50% of the week 😅.

Does daytime life allow for more contact at all? That's the only thing I can think of until you're ready to introduce the kids to him. It's hard work, I've spent months feeling I can't really offer much in terms of availability or accessibility so didn't really bother with OLD but actually some people would be happy with the arrangement depending on their circumstances.

SortingItOut · 21/02/2021 11:04

@WingingItAtLife Anyone who dates someone with kids knows they are not free all the time to date and if they expect you to be then they are not right for you.

You've told him your availability and he wants to continue so what are you worried about?
If he wasn't happy he could have ended things.

WingingItAtLife · 21/02/2021 11:40

Hmm, him coming here in the evenings isn't really ideal either as my kids don't sleep well! My 4 year old is hit and miss, some nights he'll sleep until 2am, other nights he's awake every 2 hours from about 10pm!

They are returning to school next week so there's a small potential there while littlest is in nursery, if Mr green was able to finish work on time.

SortingItOut, that's what he's said. He said it won't be forever, and although it's not ideal, he's happy to continue.
I think I'm a bit of an overthinker tbh x

TheCatWithTheHat · 21/02/2021 11:56

@frankiefirstyear if you like someone, nerves are to be expected and the chances are he's feeling similar too. The more I like someone, the more nervous I get! But it's an exciting nervousness, not like doing my driving test nerves. Try to enjoy the nerves and embrace the excitement and anticipation!

But try not to worry about it too much - for me the most nerve-wracking bit is the first kiss, which you seem to have got out the way already. Just enjoy his company, and try to distract yourself so you're not spending the day working yourself up about it. And enjoy it - even if it's all a bit nervous and fumbley :)

@WingingItAtLife You're not alone in only being available every other weekend, and you've made that clear from the start so he knows the score.

Personally, I've dated two women with kids (I don't have any), and it's not ideal I have to admit, but life isn't perfect. If I met someone I really liked, it wouldn't stop me seeing them - I like my own time anyway, so I don't mind not seeing someone 24/7. You can do other things like video dates when the kids are in bed, and good old fashioned phone calls.

The first relationship was complicated by the fact she worked shifts and weekends sometimes, so free time was even harder to find. The second one did a lot of other things in her spare time, so we only spent one evening and half a weekend day together the couple of times we saw each other. We both realised that wasn't enough, so we decided to call it a day.

SortingItOut · 21/02/2021 12:14

@WingingItAtLife Are you anxious avoidant?
Its really hard not to overthink while you're dating. I was the same because I thought I wasnt good enough and I know I'm pretty unique, then I decided that my new mantra was 'what will be, will be' and it really stopped me worrying.

My life is great with or without Mr K so if things end I'll know we had a great time but at the end of the day it is what it is and if we weren't together my life would carry on pretty much the same except I'd need to find an FWB to meet my needs.

What is your life like? Obviously busy with children but do you have a job, friends, hobbies etc?

Build your life up to be the best it can be and then you'll know you only want a man because he enhances things and not because he is your whole life.

WingingItAtLife · 21/02/2021 12:29

I agree with ThaCatWithTheHat, the first kiss/meet was more nerve racking than anything else.

I don't work shifts, I work regular hours across 3 days so there's consistency with my availability.

@SortingItOut am I what? What is anxious avoidant?

I am not at the point of depending on Mr Green, I like him. We talk a lot. Message a lot. But my life would be fine without him if he decided he didn't want to continue.
I have a job that I enjoy most of the time, I have friends who I see as much we can during lockdown. I don't have any active hobbies as such but I do enjoy cooking and reading (which I'm doing loads more of since leaving the ex). I'm one of those people who is happy in their own space and company

SortingItOut · 21/02/2021 12:54

@WingingItAtLife Anxious Avoidant is an attachment style (how you are in relationships).
There are quizzes online to find out what you are.

It sounds like you've got a really full life which is great.

Unfortunately it is generally the mothers who are left with the children for the majority of the time and have to forego a lot because they have their children so much.
Its a shame their father doesn't want to see his children more - not necessarily so you can date but because they are 50% his.

WingingItAtLife · 21/02/2021 13:05

Oh okay I'll have a look at those quizes. I might learn something about myself.
Yes I'm more than happy on my own, I was sort of craving it tbh for the last few months of my relationship.

Yes it is a shame, I love them so much but it's full on not having a break for 11 solid days. (I know some mothers are much harder done by than me though)
The ex has actually said that he won't have them more because he doesn't want to give me more time to sleep around 🙄
It makes me sad for my children because they miss him but that's for another thread lol

SortingItOut · 21/02/2021 13:16

I think a lot of exes like the control over their exes lives and love trotting out the 'you'd only sleep around if I had them more' line which is pathetic but just shows you who he really is.

It always makes me laugh because do these exes not realise you can have sex in the day when kids are at nursery/school/college or anytime within reason Hmm

bangheadhere40 · 21/02/2021 15:33

Been having a nice conversation with a new iron today, all going well and then he calls me 'hun'.

Is this just me... really gives me the ick I think it's called 😄

frankiefirstyear · 21/02/2021 15:43

Tuts is the worst for me 🤣🤢

WingingItAtLife · 21/02/2021 16:34

Tuts 😂

I know lots of people hate 'hun' and I'm not really a fan either but...... Me and my best friend actually 'hun' each other in messages!! 😂 So this wouldn't be a deal breaker for me

LongtimelurkerL · 21/02/2021 16:56

I hate ‘babe’ Confused

Yes to the difference between single mums and single dads (not all of course but that majority it seems) - def makes it harder to get a new relationship ‘off the ground’ - I guess just being honest about it from the beginning is all anyone can do?

OP posts:
bangheadhere40 · 21/02/2021 17:07

I don't mind females calling me hun...even though I don't use it myself but from men just no!

Also hate 'babe'...

Matched with another who messaged me....back and forth a bit then just stopped. It is so tedious.

Dancerinthemoonlight · 21/02/2021 17:11

@bangheadhere40 I'm with you on not liking hun. If otherwise I think the iron has potential and the chat is going well I will just tell them that I'm not a fan of being called hun and very rarely have I had one that continued to use it.

TheCatWithTheHat · 21/02/2021 17:17

I agree with the utter tediousness of it all... I've had 8 matches on Hinge, 2 on OKCupid and 2 on Bumble. Only two of them have replied since Friday. I'd understand it if I was just talking about myself or calling them hun or bae, but I think as messages go I'm doing most things right :/

I'm in the process of revamping my Tinder and Bumble bios again - would it be OK to post the first draft here for some feedback rather than sending DMs to anyone who is kind enough to offer to take a look?

bangheadhere40 · 21/02/2021 17:35

Post away Cat 🙂

I might copy some of it though if it's good, I'm at a stumbling block how to improve mine 😁