Dating Thread 199 - Come on 2021....

[LongtimelurkerL]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Mayzee I know where you are coming from and have had that situation a couple of times.

I think it's best to ask...could you ask in person or over the phone? I find text messages can be misconstrued...even though they are the easy option.

I've been reading threads too about this. I think if a guy likes you then you will know. All the times I've questioned things and thought maybe he's shy / nervous / useless etc haven't turned out in my favour.

Better to nip it in the bud now if it's worrying you I think.

We had the convo over the phone last night and agreed to delete apps

@DudeFromThatLondon and @LuckyLinda3 you're bang on here. It amazed me how many men I talked to who simply had done no reflection at all as to why their marriage broke down/they weren't in touch with DC or family. They just blamed the wife and looked for someone to take her place so the same pattern could repeat. I get that we shouldn't talk about exes in early stages but I really needed to know that they were reflective people before I even bothered meeting them.

Ok so, I've given myself a talking too, I'm not going to wait for Mr Hometown to get over his baggage. I'm not shutting him off and happy for our friendship (which is fantastic) with some sex (great but no where near frequent enough for me) to continue. He's just not quite giving me enough because he's afraid we'll like each other too much and he doesn't want a relationship.

I want to meet once or twice a week and the odd full weekend, I get maybe one meet a fortnight from him yet we talk every day often multiple times a day.

So I've started back on the apps. I am wondering if I'm getting the balance between the fact I want something light and yes sex is important to that and coming across as just looking for FBs or hookups in my profiles.

I have carefully considered things, I'm not against monogamy but I know that it would take someone that ticks every box (including a very varied sex life) for me to decide on that now.
I want dates and activities and just time spent together as well as sex.
I don't want to introduce anyone to my kids so I'm only free 50% and I like it when the partners stays over after sex (Pandas need not apply).

I want someone with a healthy view of sex, the number of men I've explained to the sex is neither naughty or dirty to is unbelievable.

So the guys here @DudeFromThatLondon @HairyArsedMan @TheCatWithTheHat

Would you be willing to be brutal on my profile/s?
Just tell me straight is what I'm saying attracting the Panda's and hook up guys?
Guys who are my friends just say my profile is great 🙄

@ThisTooShallBeFantastic I also agree, I've met many people that haven't done the work to understand why things go wrong and carry the hurt and anger into their next thing with zero awareness.

Now I'm also admitting - I have hurt and anger, it probably massively impacts how I view relationships now. I know this, go to therapy, recognise my behaviours, have altered my wants and expectations. I'm not baggage free, but I am baggage aware and make appropriate choices. Ive figured out I'm drawn to mr hometown because he's avoidant and so am I to a certain extent. He's avoidant because he's hurting like hell. It's not my job to fix him.
I'm slightly avoidant because I genuinely don't believe in the happy ever after, therefore holding something back is protection because I know it will end. However, i have learnt to enjoy each day for what it is. If I like someone and want to have sex I do it, because who knows what life will throw at me tomorrow.

@LongtimelurkerL YAY!! Really thrilled for you!

@cravingthelook what's a PANDA?!

@LongtimelurkerL yay!!!! Really happy for you

@SleepyBunk thanks for your suggestion. I have thought of that. But it’s actually an emotional block as well. I can’t sit and do it without crying! I’ve no idea why in some ways but my counsellor and I have explored my self limiting beliefs around money and legal stuff and also my utter exhaustion at always being in charge during my financially and emotionally abusive marriage hence the need to have someone walk me though it. I have today reached out to my cousin for help so we will see. And as I say Mr Beard has offered if lockdown lifts enough for him to come and see me. I am aware of the irony of this haha, the man who broke my heart coming to my rescue. I’ll take whatever help I can get 🤷‍♀️

Seeing Mr G tonight. I feel we are approaching end of days. Even he is seeing it now. I like him more than ever at the moment but am being realistic... 😢

Oh and @cravingthelook - you sound so like me! Experiences, emotions, coping mechanisms- all of it. I hope you find a way forward with Mr Hometown xxx

Eats Shoots And Leaves @Eesha. Like a Panda.

@cravingthelook Damn ost my response to you. But basically said 'any hint of flesh or bedroom will have the opportunists flocking in droves'.

+l

@HairyArsedMan...I'm in fits laughing here. Like @Eesha I have never heard of a panda...every day is definitely a school day and it seems I have a lot of catching up to do!!!

@HairyArsedMan thanks! Will definitely be using that line one day!!

@Eesha you and me both!!

@cravingthelook - sure. yeah i think anything in any shape or form which is suggestive would be enough to set a PANDA on you. that's a great line.

I guess folks might not have got around to reflecting on what went wrong but what might be important is that they could be made aware and would be willing to have a conversation about it.

@LongtimelurkerL - good news to end the week!

Aye the Pandas are out in force, I said it to a guy last week and he asked what's a panda? and I explained and asked if he was one. He said I'm hoping to be yes. 😂 so I wished him well and moved along.

Mr Hometown is not a Panda 😁 out of our 4 intimate sessions I've stayed over at his and he's stayed at mine once each. Other times have been planned as short due to circumstances.
Mr Hometown is just terrified of getting feels which he tries to dress up in "I'm just not that bothered about seeing someone often and if I think they like me more than I like them I put them off because I don't want them to get feels and get hurt"
Cool story bro ... that's why you, stay over, text me every day multiple times a day including good Morning and goodnight without fail, hold my hand, cuddle a lot, have a pet name for me and when we are having sex you get all intimate with the eye contact etc. 🙄

Fuck it - there's nothing outing in my profile that I have already said in here. NOTE I have no suggestive photos (except on FAB 😁 and that's where I chatted to the panda 🐼 so fair dos if he wants that there)
Direct copy and paste of tinder profile below .... you can all critique it 😂

I’m 43 & looking for mental, spiritual and physical connection.

Loves:
Music 🎶
Theatre 🎭
Ballet 🩰
Singing 🎤 & Dancing 💃🏼 are in my blood. I do both often, mostly in the kitchen these days.
I love a good gym class but I’m still curvy and squishy. I love to bake, I’m known as the cupcake queen🧁 👑

Geordie
Mum (50/50 custody)
Career driven, ambitious, & travel for business often.

I’d like fun and laughter and great dates, I will always be kind to you - please show kindness and respect.

Loving the panda here too 🤣

@cravingthelook Found my proper response. The perils of multi-tabbing on a phone. Let's see if I understand things first: Mr Hometown fits the bill but isn't ready for a relationship. You want more (shared quality time/sex) but not heading towards co-habiting ? Would you go for it with him if he could resolve his temerity ? Maybe just meet up outside of houses and do some stuff together. Holding hands.

I've not got much experience of the hook up mentality - it's second hand based on dates I've been on and overheard gym conversation - but I would say that any whiff of sex is going to attract those guys. Mentioning the possibility of it in profile text, a bedroom picture, or anything with exposed flesh is a trigger. Sorry if that comes across as positively Victorian, but whatever you write will be secondary to that I feel. Happy to take a look if need be.

In other news, I'm off on a first socially distanced outdoor sniff this weekend.

x-post. Seems fine @cravingthelook nothing about the text screams hookups only. Perhaps the mention of 'physical connection'. I would take that as read by virtue of being on a dating site. Maybe retract on this: "I’m 43 & looking for mental, spiritual and physical connection" -> "I’m 43 & looking for an enduring connection."

craving I love your profile. You sound sorted and fun and I love your mention of kindness. And who doesn't love a cupcake? It certainly does not scream 'pandas and cocklodgers wanted'.

Can someone please come and take my phone and hinge away from me. Ended up matching with 3 army/RAF men. Although only knew that 1 was in army before matching.

Mr French - he sounds french to me but isn't from there so not sure what is up with his accent. Is another will you travel to me and no suggestion of travelling to my area. Probabaly doesn't have legs.

Mr Flashy - younger at 25, is very flashy on Instagram with Rolex, louboutin trainers etc. Asked for booty pics twice last night, this morning he said he was only joking but I called him out on it as he asked again when I told him no. Doesn't have legs.

Mr Crazy Golf - so far he seems nice and I enjoy our chats but won't go for a walk and wants to wait until lockdown eases.

Have plenty more chats on the go and have moved some to WhatsApp but no one is up for a walk.

Anyone else come across this on Match?

Notification comes up to say "four people viewed your profile yesterday". You look at the list and two of them say "this profile no longer exists". Almost as if they'd seen my profile and immediately deleted their account. There's also one with the name "Xy" which has been suspended bg moderators.

So many no-longer-an-account views in one day is unusual but they still seem to come up every couple of days. Does anyone who views my account turn to stone or is this more common?

Yeah happens lots @DdraigGoch. I think Match are good at spotting the fake profiles and bumping them off. Also could be people just signing up, browsing and then deleting their account for whatever reason. Just be grateful they were curious enough to take a look at you in their short online dating outing.

Looking at it from the other angle - I've been on there and got chatting to someone and once we've arranged to meet in person, I've suspended my profile so that would make all my intervening profile views be rendered as "This Profile Is Not Available" too.

@HairyArsedMan good luck and keep us posted.

Along the lines of the 🐼 comment, my ex who always made out he was a great supporter of women, told me this 'joke' three times in our fairly short relationship - what's the longest time in the world? The time between you coming and her going.

I didn't understand it at first. But once I did, I realised this is not a joke (and it's not actually funny is it) someone who respects women would tell you. It shows a mindset that women are a commodity. And he told it three times, probably not recalling he'd said it before.

Anyway.

Sniffing on dates is most as bad as neck kissing, imo.

If MrFrench has no legs, that'll be why he can't/won't travel......

I don't like cupcakes 😱