Dating Thread 199 - Come on 2021....

[LongtimelurkerL]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

No walking date today - he ghosted

Only heard from Mr Hometown once - his usual good morning. He is with his DD though so that’s ok.

Mr Planner messaged randomly last week so today I thought fuck it and invited him for a walk/coffee to catch up properly.
He replied I’m not sure, I’m seeing someone now and I don’t know if it’s appropriate.
I just said that’s good, I am too - it was in response to your check in only.
Why oh why do I give this man head space.
I thought he was a player or a coward, I guess he’s confirm player. So why am I upset?

I also had a fab match link me up with his Domme on WhatsApp.... I guess he had visions of a double Domme scene. I quickly put an end to that.

I’m so fucking fed up. My friendships have all changed, I’m sick of wfh, I’m so fucking lonely. I feel like my mental health is in tatters

What a shitbag ghosting you! I hear ya. Sick of it all. It's shite isn't it.

@cravingthelook I'm sorry you're feeling so down, ghosting in particular can really do that to you. Are you ready to block and delete Mr Planner? Do you think this has gone on long enough, and you would feel better for taking decisive action to rid yourself of him?

Is anyone else feeling pathetically grateful for goodish weather and nearly the end of February? I went to two garden shops today with my DD, we're now knee deep in plants and bulbs and compost and a blinking firepit and I feel like a bulb myself, tentatively poking my head into the open again and looking forward to spring.

B&M is incredible for gardening equipment, just saying [flowers

@cravingthelook, I am sorry that it's been a crap day. Or rather that you are feeling sad and messed around. You always offer such wonderful, supportive advice to others and validate our feelings whilst giving us a kick up the bum if needed.
You're probably not looking for a deep unravelling of why you are feeling the way that you are. My only comment about the types of people/encounters that you pursue and describe are that they always seem to be ' high end' - edgy, gorgeous, highly charged. And many would say that you are keeping your standards high and absolutely you should seek what you feel you want and enjoy. Maybe though the greater the highs , the deeper the lows. You shared your fantastic profile yesterday and you get plenty of attention it seems. Maybe view them through a different filter going forward ?

Hi 🙋‍♀️ been a bit of a lurker and so loving the advice and support on this thread I’m trying to gain some sort of handle on myself and my situation!

Firstly though can someone explain the term IRON to me please 🙈

@ThisTooShallBeFantastic

You are right, I just deleted the chat and his number. I don't think I'll hear from him again. It's done.

@Onesmallstep67 - I chase the high because I settled for the ok with my exH and I just want something exciting and fun.
I genuinely don't believe in the happy ever after, so I want the best I can get now, today because I could be gone tomorrow.

@cravingthelook I totally get you about sticking with the 'high' and no longer settling for OK. If that's your approach I would say you need strong support from friends and family to help you over the lows and celebrate your highs, because if a down dating day/period coincides with friends/family being flaky, it's a bit of a perfect storm for you. Do you have a range of people who can support you? Can you work on that support network as well as at dating?

@frankiefirstyear welcome. IRON is shorthand for 'iron in the fire', ie potential love interests.

@DdraigGoch I wonder if you live near me! Also about 1.5 hrs from the nearest city and any half decent men.

There is maybe 10 people on tinder in the town I live. So much harder when you're so away from everything.

Sorry you were ghosted craving such a shitty thing to do.

Hi all, hope you are doing ok. My latest ex iron messaged today while in my town to see if I'd meet for a chat. I was actually in shopping so I agreed. I was very easy going and just chatted away about general stuff, asking about his kids, work and general chit chat. Again he referred to my energy and how he loved our chats. He told me his hours have changed and hes working a lot less for the next few weeks. He said he feels we have such good chemistry and asked about my work next week and when I'm off or wfh. I left then and he texted me again later just asking if I'd got my shopping done. I'm confused now....

@cravingthelook I hear you! I hate working from home and my friendships have changed with lockdown. I am struggling to be positive. Really struggling. And actually I have a lot to be thankful for. And I also chase the highs. We have a lot in common.

@LongtimelurkerL and @SortingItOut - I know, I know! I have started the form. It’s just so long and you have to find so much STUFF!

Just back from a lovely night and day with Mr G. God that man treats me so well. Why oh why isn’t he free to be with me? FFS!!! He so wants it to work but I just can’t see it. But I love being with him actually to the point where I feel sad when I come home. I snap myself out of it quickly and I’ve told myself I’d be ending it soon when his revolting ex moves back in. But it’s going to be much harder than I thought.

@LuckyLinda3 so what are you thinking about the ex iron then? Would you like to give it another go?

Sounds like he would like to no longer be an " ex " iron to me @LuckyLinda3

@DdraigGoch - 3 matches in a couple of days is good going! I've only managed 2 matches on Bumble in the last week, and I'm in a London-sized pool.

@cravingthelook firstly sorry to hear about your shitty day, being ghosted sucks donkey balls.

"I’m sick of wfh, I’m so fucking lonely. I feel like my mental health is in tatters". You're not the only one - I feel like this too at the moment. Be kind to yourself.

I did really like your Tinder profile you posted yesterday. Although one thing did pop into my head when I read this:

"Career driven, ambitious, & travel for business often"

That's great, and I personally like someone who is career driven and ambitious, but the first thing I thought when I saw that was "she's warning me that she won't have much time to see me", and I'm not sure if that's what you're intending to do.

@LuckyLinda3 Sounds like he wants to reel you in while he's got spare time and then when he goes back to working crazy hours again he'll either finish things or keep you holding on for the infrequent weeks when he can see you.

@UtterSocks It was while doing my Form E that I wished I had merged pensions and savings accounts over the years....some of my pensions I had to request in writing my values - how quaint and old fashioned!!

If Mr G really wants a proper relationship then he needs to make an effort to get his home situation sorted otherwise you could be kept waiting years while he faffs about with things.

If things end just remember you found a great guy once so you'll find a great guy again.

@cravingthelook I'm sorry you feel so down, I agree you always give such great, supportive, advice.
Infact if I wrote your post, and you could step back what would you say ti yourself right now ? In my experience exciting and fun are short lasting experiences and moments, maybe slower and more stable might be less painful? Sending kind thoughts x

Not much happening here. I've spent lots of time with Mr P since our conversation. It's been lovely. I backed right off and have been actively trying to do things for me, and I'm getting there.
He's with his kids this weekend and usually I would be moping and staring at my phone. Instead I've booked my theory test, been revising and working, hanging out with my teenagers and enjoying hot showers and fresh sheets. Tonight I'm having a Chinese takeaway and Netflix with my teens.
Meanwhile Mr P has been messaging me on and off and ive felt much more relaxed.

@cravingthelook Sorry you were ghosted. I feel semi-responsible with my comments last night. Sit Mr Hometown down and do the cutting off your nose to spite your face talk ?

Highs at the start = 🤔 for me. What do they know about me that makes me so wonderful ? And vice versa.

3 matches @DdraigGoch ? Kudos! Actually seriously, it must depend on how many you consider to be a match too. That’s my reason for low match numbers and I’m sticking to it.

I have a real problem with highs at the start. I try to reign myself in but it's the fantasist in me that goes onto overdrive and while I logically know I'm not in love with them, it really does feel like it 🙈 so I can totally understand someone chasing that feeling.

They were spread over two/three days. I used the 24hr extension on the first though even that looks like it will soon expire without a message, the second has expired and there's still some time for the third to message but it looks like it will follow the other two.

They're the first matches I'd had on Bumble for some time, it helps that the universities are back now because the population of a nearby city (if you can call it a city, it's more the size of a market town) doubles during term time. I'm still in my mid-twenties so often see postgrad profiles and the odd undergrad.

There's got to be a better way than OLD, even during a pandemic.

@uttersocks @clovertoast and @Sortingitout I'm really unsure. I did joke that make s joke about fwb (not us) and he said he wanted more than that with me but I have seen his lack of effort before so how will I know?

Sorry make a joke about fwb!!

Urgh can anyone unpick this a bit for me please.

Seeing my iron, Mr M, for the 3rd time tomorrow night. Know him through work but only ever had rare and brief conversations but I always felt a spark there but both unavailable until recently.

During lockdown1 I added him on fb and he would comment on some posts so thought what the hell, I will get in touch to test the waters. So very much me pursuing but he said he'd felt the same and great chat on text, swaying on calls from crying with laughter to awkward stilted talk (which is something I never really experience, I could talk legs off a donkey!).

Anyway date 1 was a walk and lovely despite the bitter weather, date 2 he came to my house and we second based. But here's where I'm struggling- I was TOTALLY nervous. He's lovely and I've had my eye on him for so long but the nerves were overwhelming and spoiling it a bit for me. I've not had much experience of nerves at all, in any aspect of life, I'm just not a nervous sort. Since our first date I've felt nauseous most of the time and unable to eat much; it feels like I'm 16 or something 🙈

He's so incredibly lovely and I want him to experience the true me and not this quaking jibbering fool, thankfully he has seen me being normal in the past. We both seem on the same page in that we think of each other all day long. I'm hoping once we DTD I will be ok. I don't know why I'm feeling this way?! Any advice 🙏 I feel so nervous for tomorrow night!

@frankiefirstyear

Bless you I think it’s natural to be a bit nervous if you like the guy?

Just keep it simple and be yourself -

sounds a cliche but I think if the situation has potential it will progress regardless of what you do or don’t do?

Whereas if there’s going to be problems there will be problems no matter what you do or say.

If you’ve been on two meets and know each other socially and he’s seen your place then you’ve already got quite far

Don’t overfunction or try to make things too perfect - if you’re naturally into each other then you’ll fit fine. It’s just one meet where you’re both sussing each other out, not you having to impress him?