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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP won't see me due to DD

545 replies

Potplant32 · 26/01/2021 09:12

I'm not sure whether this is the correct thread so apologies if it's not. I was looking for some impartial advice as my friends / family agree with me so good to get an outsiders perspective.

I've been homeschooling my DD7 since Christmas whilst working full time from home. I'm technically a key worker but am able to sort of do my job ok from home. DD7 is massively struggling with her schoolwork to the point where she has no idea what is going on in her live lessons. Her classmates don't seem to be having the same problem. I'm also really falling behind in my own work as I'm constantly trying to help DD (my line manager pulled me up on this last week).

DD's school have rung me and said they're concerned that DD is going to fall too far behind (she's starting middle school in September). They have said that technically because I'm a key worker there is a place for her at school to attend part or full time (there are hardly any kids in).

I have been with my DP for 3 years although we do not live together. He came round last night and I filled him in on the above. He got really cross and said that if I let DD go to school then he will no longer be seeing me. He does have a child who is currently vulnerable (who lives with their mother who continues to see all her friends and family despite this). His child currently has Covid but luckily is ok.

So I'm now in a situation where either my DD falls massively behind at school and I struggle to work but DP will continue to see me, or I keep her off and we keep on as we are and he will continue to come over. I really don't know what's for the best (sorry this was quite long).

OP posts:
Draineddraineddrained · 26/01/2021 10:08

Doesn't sound like this one has legs if he gets the hump with you for prioritising your daughter. Still at least you know now and don't have to waste any more years on him.

Doublefaced · 26/01/2021 10:08

The fact that this is even an issue is a concern.
Does he have form for prioritising himself?

AlternativePerspective · 26/01/2021 10:08

The issue isn’t the fact that he feels he could no longer come over if you send your DD to school, many people might feel that way, but the difference is that most people would accept that this was the way it was going to be, not go off on one as your DP did.

So I would tell him that you’re sending your DD to school and you’ll see him when we come out of lockdown then.... and maybe by that time you’ll have changed your feelings....

My DP and I don’t live together. We have seen each other just a handful of times since lockdown and even then it has been socially distanced as I am vulnerable. I now don’t imagine seeing him for the foreseeable future. This is life.

Original poster
Potplant32 · 26/01/2021 10:09

Just to clarify, the older relative isn't clinically vulnerable, their GP had spare jabs so they took up the offer

OP posts:
crumpet · 26/01/2021 10:09

This isn’t a question. The right thing to do is to put your daughter first. He may have valid reasons for not seeing you as a result - but there are families/relationships all over the country who can’t see each other at the moment - it’s not unique to him. There is nothing to stop you both going for a socially distanced walk together rather than him come round to yours, so it’s not as if it’s impossible to see each other at all - appreciate he may choose not to)

PancakesAndSyrup · 26/01/2021 10:09

I'd be sending DD to school. Your DP is being unreasonable and even if he does refuse to see you, your daughter needs to come first anyway.

Draineddraineddrained · 26/01/2021 10:10

She has the right to put her own child first and so does he. He is thinking of the risk to his clinically vulnerable child and also the older relative he helps out, who must be extremely clinically vulnerable to have had their jab already at 70

He has the right to choose not to see OP while her DD is at school and therefore increasing the risk of infection. He doesn't have the right to give her shit about her decision when it's clearly what is best for her child. He can just say "That's a shame, I won't be able to see you while she's in school because of my vulnerable DC/relative, and I'll miss you".

PinkRosesPurpleHearts · 26/01/2021 10:10

@Changedforthisyear

I’d bin him OP, he sounds like a cockwomble Grin
this
OnTheBenchOfDoom · 26/01/2021 10:11

Your DD comes first. Her being in school allows you to do your job which pays your bills, your DD gets help with her school work. It is a win-win.

Do you think your Dp is thinking with his willy? ie you send your DD to school, he can't see you, he can't have sex for a while.

WINKINGatyourage · 26/01/2021 10:11

Er, it’s a no brainier. You do what’s best for your child! Hmm I don’t even know why this is a dilemma!

Also, he’s not wrong. He’s doing what’s right for his child.

Silenceisgolden20 · 26/01/2021 10:13

@Bibidy

I agree that OP's daughter should go back to school but not sure why everyone is slating her DP so much?

She has the right to put her own child first and so does he. He is thinking of the risk to his clinically vulnerable child and also the older relative he helps out, who must be extremely clinically vulnerable to have had their jab already at 70.

I don't think anyone has done anything wrong here at all.

Are you serious? He's basically asking her to chose between him and the educational needs of her daughter. Let alone the OPs work stress levels. Responding angrily with her is the key here. He's not having a mature conversation, he's wanting what HE wants.
AwaAnBileYerHeid · 26/01/2021 10:13

You put your DD to school. You never put a man before your child.

Silenceisgolden20 · 26/01/2021 10:15

What he should be saying is that's a shame, we won't be able to see each other because of his daughter and support her in the decision that yes, her daughters education is important. Not have a tantrum like a man child.

Beechview · 26/01/2021 10:16

You need to do what’s best for you and dd which is send her to school and you don’t fall behind at work.

He has a right to choose not to come round anymore and that’s something you just both need to accept.

Wishitsnows · 26/01/2021 10:17

It's in you dds best interests to go back to school. You need to put her first and not your partner.

ewwlynxafrica · 26/01/2021 10:18

If his thinking about his child despite having covid right now, you should be thinking about your own child! Your DD comes first. His being a twat. Send her to school, if you don't you will then have to explain to her in the future when she fails why you didn't because of your selfish self entitled partner which she will hate you.

Confusedandshaken · 26/01/2021 10:19

I think you and your DP are both doing the right thing. You are each putting what you think is in your child's best interests first. That's as it should be.

Your partner might realise he is over-reacting and understand why you've made this very reasonable choice. If he doesn't you would probably want to re-evaluate of he is the right man for you.

HettieMills · 26/01/2021 10:20

Daughter comes first. Her education is more important than man child tantrums.

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 26/01/2021 10:20

You have to ask yourself why he is being such an arsehole? Unless I've read it wrong his daughter already had covid- so no risk there from your daughter, and his elderly relative has had a vaccine. So is he worried he'll get it? He is just being really shit and controlling.

Original poster
Potplant32 · 26/01/2021 10:20

My DD had Covid back in November so I think the risk of her catching it again fairly low, compared to how much she would benefit from being back in school.

OP posts:
CanNotStandTheHype · 26/01/2021 10:21

'Sorry mate, my DD comes first. Off you pop'.

Original poster
Potplant32 · 26/01/2021 10:21

@roundturnandtwohalfhitches Yes his DD currently has Covid due to their Mum still seeing people and catching it herself, my DD has already had Covid, and their 70 year old relative has had the first of their jabs.

OP posts:
Theowawaynow · 26/01/2021 10:23

I’m not sure he’s being a test, it is a risk and he doesn’t want to take it. That’s ok I have the same convo going on with my “bubble” who are family at the moment.

However your DD sounds like she needs school so if that’s his choice to mitigate risk then so be it. He doesn’t see you for a while.

Theowawaynow · 26/01/2021 10:24

*twat even.

WINKINGatyourage · 26/01/2021 10:26

Yes his DD currently has Covid due to their Mum still seeing people and catching it herself, my DD has already had Covid

You say what his DDs covid was due to, but you don’t say what your DDs was due to?

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