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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP won't see me due to DD

545 replies

Potplant32 · 26/01/2021 09:12

I'm not sure whether this is the correct thread so apologies if it's not. I was looking for some impartial advice as my friends / family agree with me so good to get an outsiders perspective.

I've been homeschooling my DD7 since Christmas whilst working full time from home. I'm technically a key worker but am able to sort of do my job ok from home. DD7 is massively struggling with her schoolwork to the point where she has no idea what is going on in her live lessons. Her classmates don't seem to be having the same problem. I'm also really falling behind in my own work as I'm constantly trying to help DD (my line manager pulled me up on this last week).

DD's school have rung me and said they're concerned that DD is going to fall too far behind (she's starting middle school in September). They have said that technically because I'm a key worker there is a place for her at school to attend part or full time (there are hardly any kids in).

I have been with my DP for 3 years although we do not live together. He came round last night and I filled him in on the above. He got really cross and said that if I let DD go to school then he will no longer be seeing me. He does have a child who is currently vulnerable (who lives with their mother who continues to see all her friends and family despite this). His child currently has Covid but luckily is ok.

So I'm now in a situation where either my DD falls massively behind at school and I struggle to work but DP will continue to see me, or I keep her off and we keep on as we are and he will continue to come over. I really don't know what's for the best (sorry this was quite long).

OP posts:
JiminyLeeCricket · 26/01/2021 20:02

Was it his influence keeping her out of school before today?

Positivevibesonlyplease · 26/01/2021 20:09

So impressed that you put DD first. I understand why he’s being cautious, but that’s his decision, nothing to do with you. Well done!

C152 · 26/01/2021 21:12

I'm sorry to be blunt, but your child comes first. Send your child to school where she can get the educational support she needs and you can get on with the job that presumably pays for the roof over your head. "D"P frankly doesn't get a say in the matter at all.

LaVieEnDoze · 26/01/2021 21:37

It's perfectly fine for him to make his own risk assessments and decide that if your daughter is going into school he'd rather not take what he sees as the additional risk of seeing you for that period of time. It may or may not be particularly rational, but everyone weighs these things differently and it is absolutely his choice to make. Completely fair.

However, he has absolutely no business being "cross" with you for making a decision about your child's welfare and acting in her best interests without reference to what is desirable or convenient for him.

That's what you should be doing as a mother. That's what he's doing as a father by deciding not to see you. He sounds like a self-centred hypocrite.

BlueThistles · 26/01/2021 21:58

Well done in making the decision to put your Child first ..... she needs her education ... 💕

Do not contact this hypocritical selfish man ever again ... Grey Rock/Block/Delete 🌺

timeisnotaline · 26/01/2021 22:01

Ugh.
‘Ok that’s your call. I’d be a terrible parent if stopping my child from falling further behind at school wasn’t my priority. Thought you’d understand that but oh well.’

BonnieDundee · 26/01/2021 22:10

I've actually just had a reply - 'ok well I won't be seeing you for a while then'.

I'd be tempted to text back "no worries" and leave it at that

Your DD and your job are the priorities here

Closetbeanmuncher · 26/01/2021 22:16

DP was so cross

Do right by your daughter and send her...

Is "D"P going to pay your bills if you lose your job to make up the slack or are you supposed to live on magic fucking beans??

I'd be sacking off this selfish piece of shit tbh.

UrsulaVdL · 26/01/2021 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GetTheDebtGoneIn2021 · 26/01/2021 22:52

Nearly 500 mumsnetters all rooting for the same outcome - got to be a first surely?

GetTheDebtGoneIn2021 · 26/01/2021 22:53

Send him a thumbs up.

swinglowsweetchariot12 · 26/01/2021 23:10

@GetTheDebtGoneIn2021

Send him a thumbs up.
Lol this OP
MrDarcysMa · 26/01/2021 23:44

Tell him to fuck right off if he's trying to make you choose between him and your DD/ keeping your job. That's so unattractive.

notapizzaeater · 26/01/2021 23:56

Youve made the right choice for your family. I'd reply, 'your choice' then leave it,

HighSpecWhistle · 27/01/2021 00:00

You don't know whether it's best to put your child first or your non-commital relationship???

Come on OP - it's a bit upsetting that you even have to ask. Children come first. Always.

Lalliella · 27/01/2021 00:16

Why are you even asking? Ffs. Put your daughter first and tell your DP to fuck off. It really pisses me off people who come on here and pander to their partners’ demands above their children’s needs. Your poor DD.

Lalliella · 27/01/2021 00:20

Just reread your original post. Your last sentence chills me. You don’t know what’s for the best. Really? Seriously? How can you not know?

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/01/2021 01:23

@Loopylobes

There are two issues here.
  1. Should you send your DD to school to protect her education, even if it means you won't be able to see your DP. You've resolved this issue perfectly.
  1. The fact that your DP does not support your right to make this decision and you are worried about how he is going to react. That is a huge red flag and you need to think about why you wouldn't just expect him to respect your decision to act in your child's best interests.

Is this relationship as healthy as you perhaps thought?

Perfectly put.

Your 'D'P is pressing you to put your daughter's education at risk (and all the emotional baggage that will bring), and maybe your job too - he is one selfish fucker, and it would be in your best interests to reevaluate this relationship. I'd bin him.

londonscalling · 27/01/2021 04:46

You should say that, regardless of your DD going back to school, he can't come over anyway because his DC has coronavirus!

Also tell him that apart from your DD falling behind with her education, she needs to go to school so that you don't risk losing your job and your house!

EmmanuelleMakro · 27/01/2021 04:56

Have not RTWT but quite apart from anything else if his DC had covid he shouldn’t be visiting you or anyone else and risking passing it on to you.
Completely agree -either don’t respond at all or respond by dumping him.

LadyMinerva · 27/01/2021 05:02

@Potplant32

I've actually just had a reply - 'ok well I won't be seeing you for a while then'.
Yeah, quite a while I would hope? Like, forever!

This is not how you deserve to be treated and not how you want to teach DD how people should be treated.

Palaver1 · 27/01/2021 06:43

Why would you even ask
Your really fortunate that the school has given her a place.
Her needs come FIRST

LunaLula83 · 27/01/2021 06:52

Send her to school. Go to work and live your life. Dp can jog on

Skipsurvey · 27/01/2021 06:52

WEll done op, hope your dd enjoys being back at school

Clutterbugsmum · 27/01/2021 07:12

If this is real, and I have difficulty believing that a mother would be so selfish even to think he has a say as to what is best for your child.

Then you need to seriously readjust your behaviour and putting you CHILD first above this twat and or other man.

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