DP won't see me due to DD

[Potplant32]

I'm not sure whether this is the correct thread so apologies if it's not. I was looking for some impartial advice as my friends / family agree with me so good to get an outsiders perspective.

I've been homeschooling my DD7 since Christmas whilst working full time from home. I'm technically a key worker but am able to sort of do my job ok from home. DD7 is massively struggling with her schoolwork to the point where she has no idea what is going on in her live lessons. Her classmates don't seem to be having the same problem. I'm also really falling behind in my own work as I'm constantly trying to help DD (my line manager pulled me up on this last week).

DD's school have rung me and said they're concerned that DD is going to fall too far behind (she's starting middle school in September). They have said that technically because I'm a key worker there is a place for her at school to attend part or full time (there are hardly any kids in).

I have been with my DP for 3 years although we do not live together. He came round last night and I filled him in on the above. He got really cross and said that if I let DD go to school then he will no longer be seeing me. He does have a child who is currently vulnerable (who lives with their mother who continues to see all her friends and family despite this). His child currently has Covid but luckily is ok.

So I'm now in a situation where either my DD falls massively behind at school and I struggle to work but DP will continue to see me, or I keep her off and we keep on as we are and he will continue to come over. I really don't know what's for the best (sorry this was quite long).

The title of the thread should be "Dp not seeing me because he's a controlling arse who is testing me to see if he is more important than dd"

I don't think I've ever seen so many pages of a unanimous reply before. Of course you send her in, your DP sounds horrendous.

You're better off without him, really you are.
You are in exactly the same position as his ex vis a vis children. He can't and doesn't control what she does and he cant and doesn't control what you do - except you nearly let him control what you do.

He regularly gave her the silent treatment (like a spoilt brat); and now he's said he won't see you. Same thing basically isn't it?

Let him stew, get on with your life doing your best for YOU and for your child - and those things are synonymous, aren't they?

You seem to avoiding the bigger issue here. You're in a relationship with a manipulative bully. I bet this is not the first time he has given you an unreasonable ultimatum.

Second point to add, having read further replies since my own, just focusing on men for a moment, there are quite a few who have been able to use Covid as a reason to control the other partner etc, I have witnessed it first hand, not myself directly but someone close by.

Send to school, am wondering why this idiot of a man gets a vote?

@Potplant32

I've actually just had a reply - 'ok well I won't be seeing you for a while then'.

Good for you OP and your DD. There's proof he's a wannabe controlling tosser. Get rid and find someone better when this is done.

OP you absolutely have to put your child’s needs first. Your ‘DP’ has certainly shown that he’s not able to do that. I would question if I wanted to be with someone who was so selfish they can’t appreciate the needs of a child

DD comes first, it will be good for both of you to have a break and take some pressure off by returning to school. Your partner should understand and support that, I can understand why he's concerned for his child but that's his decision to make.

He sounds like a tit, OP.

Glad you've decided to send your DD in. Will be better for you both. And it doesn't sound like he's been adding much to your life!

'ok well I won't be seeing you for a while then'.

Off he fucks, then.

He sounds like a prick OP. Why do you want to be with someone like him?

I believe him and his ex split up due to him giving her the silent treatment on a regular basis.

And now it’s your turn op!

If he decides not to take the risk of visiting a house where a child attends school that's one thing. But getting cross is massively unreasonable and he sees his own children who are also exposing him to additionally risk means he is unreasonable and a hypocrite.
At least you have seen his true colours. How dare he get cross and punish you for doing the right thing by your daughter!
To have avoided his anger you would have had to either do a better job of home schooling, or, not had a child to worry about, or to have let your daughter struggle against the advice of the school and your instincts as a mum. Wtf. Bin this idiot and I bet no-one who knows him well will be surprised you have.

Your DD should always come first.

I think that ultimately it’s not about the restrictions or his anxiety really...it’s a test to see if you’ll place him as being of higher import to you than your daughter.
You failed.
A+ parenting though.

Are you ok OP?

Have the scales fallen from your eyes? Once you truly see a person for what they are, you cannot unsee it.

Luckily, you aren't legally tied to this bloke.

He got really cross and said that if I let DD go to school then he will no longer be seeing me.

This is emotional abuse - aggressive, controlling, demanding and threatening.

Give him his wish. And be ready for him coming back when he needs to empty his balls.

The silent treatment is also emotionally abusive - manipulative, controlling and demanding. Looks like you are going to get some of this stuff well.

Well done on getting your DD back to school to help her socially and educationally - you took the right decision for her and your job.

You did well to seek advice from family and friends and then come on here. But you should reflect as to why that was necessary - why you needed to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) your own decision around your own child.

I suspect that there have been plenty of subtle gaslighting / coercive situations over the years where you have doubted yourself, gone along with him for a quiet life etc Can you recall any other times when you felt unsettled or confused by his demands / behaviour?

He's done you a favour, he is not worth your time. I hope dd gets on well.

"He got really cross and said that if I let DD go to school then he will no longer be seeing me."

You know the translation of this is

"if you put your child's needs first, I will punish you"

Your poor dd, having someone who cares so little about her in her life for 3 years. I wouldn't even do him the courtesy of breaking up with him, I'd just never contact him again.

ALWAYS prioritise your child's needsabove ay one else's!

This pandemic is absolutely shite, but people everywhere up and down the country are not actually seeing their boyfriends and girlfriends and other loved ones at the moment. It is what it is, and just tell him to jog on and not give you ridiculous ultimatums!
TBH I'd be telling him to just feck off...

I'm so sorry OP what an arse. Hope you are OK. I hope you are getting some comfort from the fact everyone is agreeing with you re school.

Good for you. Your boyfriend sounds like an arse biscuit.

OP,

So sad for your daughter that you have to ask such a question.

Your child's education when she is struggling.

Some unpleasant man you brought into her life three years ago, who clearly has no regard for her.

Your poor daughter.

Its so good that you didn't justify your decision to him, I really like your response to his text.

How do you feel about him now?