Fed up of DP calling me posh

[GreyFluffyTowel]

My DH and I were both brought up in the same town, although different areas. I was in the 'nicer' part, DP in what is considered the 'rougher' part. My parents were fairly comfortable, his not so much. None of those things even factored in us getting together. We've been together 3 years, lived together for just over 1. Over the past few months it's become increasing common for my DP to say 'I wish you weren't so posh' or 'you can tell you're privileged'. He claims he's joking but I don't find it funny. Apparently I'm sensitive. An example (it sounds ridiculous) - I was eating some toast with DP sitting next to me. He kept farting. I repeatedly asked him not too whilst I finished my toast, he told me I was posh. I'm posh for not wanting to brush my teeth whilst sitting on the loo. I'll say something and he'll say 'you sounded really posh then'. He comments about 'posh' people on the TV in a negative way. It's got to the point where I have said to him if I am too 'posh' then please go and find someone else who you feel is a better match for you and he then goes on the defensive and gets a bit moody.
Is he right, am I too sensitive?

@Aquamarine1029

The bottom line is that he does not respect you, he's resentful of you, and he takes his own pathetic insecurities out on you.

There is no happy future to be had with this man. This relationship is doomed to fail.

This.

He doesn't like your family or your background, he doesn’t even like you.

Hmmm......I often read on mn about ‘punching up’ being acceptable whereas ‘punching down’ isn’t.
Here is an actual example of ‘punching up’ and not surprisingly the op isn’t finding it acceptable.

Well he’s being horrible so I’m not suspended you’re fed up. But dh always calls me posh. He’s from a working class background and I’m very middle class. Left money via inheritance / always owned my homes outright, don’t work etc (now mostly due to chronic ill health but previously due to managing on existing money etc). Dh teases me a LOT about being posh, how I speak, little things etc but it’s all in jest. We have been together 15 years now and I just laugh at him and tell him to shut up or that he doesn’t mind the fact we’ve never had a mortgage etc. It totally depends on how the teasing is intended. Your dh sounds like he’s genuinely having a go at you which isn’t nice.

And 'owning' your 'social class' is such a horrendous idea ! Do you mean to imply that we somehow have to feel 'guilty' or 'ashamed' of either having an 'easier' or 'harder' upbringing ??

That's exactly what that poster means. It's a basic tenet of Social Justice and it has no place whatsoever in an intimate romantic relationship. It forces you to feel guilty and uncomfortable for a position you had no say over being in and may encourage you to accept the unacceptable. Very dangerous in relationships.

*surprised!

My husband grew up privileged. I was firmly working class. He has also been known to fart during meals, in the past. So it's nothing to do with class I assure you!

I must admit I've made the odd comment about my husband being 'posh'. It was only down to my own jealousy that he had so many more opportunities than I did as a kid.

He'll say something like 'oh I hate posh people' if we're watching something on TV and then 2 days later call me posh for something I've done (a joke, apparently). He fails to see the link between the two situations and why it might upset me. It's not like he has no common sense, he completed a politics degree last year

Ask him why it's suddenly become such an issue with him when presumably it wasn't when you got together. If he can't explain it, it's just a stick to beat you with, so point that out and tell him it needs to stop.

His blanket condemnations of "posh" people, the police etc are really childish anyway. Tell him to grow up and shift the chip off his shoulder.

@GreyFluffyTowel

He'll say something like 'oh I hate posh people' if we're watching something on TV and then 2 days later call me posh for something I've done (a joke, apparently). He fails to see the link between the two situations and why it might upset me. It's not like he has no common sense, he completed a politics degree last year

Oh no - he does not fail to see the link. He is all too aware of the link and is trying to mess with your head.

He sounds cruel. Do not waste your love on a cruel man. One of my great revelations was that the single most important character trait in a partner is kindness. It makes life together so much better and ensures you will always be treated with a level of decency. He is not kind and is behaving disrespectfully towards you. I see no way to fix this.

You are incompatable, these differences will just become more visible.

Time to move on, he sounds quite bitter and I don't think that will improve.

Of course he sees the link.

Take out the word “posh“ and substitute black, fat, Jewish etc

“ I wish you weren’t so fat “
“ I hate black people, they are all corrupt”
“ You Jews are all so privileged “
“ Look at these stupid Muslims on TV”

Does it still seem like a joke ? Would you be ‘too sensitive’ to find these comments offensive?

He’s a nasty bigot who is negging you. You’ve only lived with him for a year. Cut your losses and bin him now.

I grew up in a terraced house with coal fires and two parents who worked in mills . I passed my 11plus and went to grammar school. My dad was old school and didn’t believe in further education but I got a “good” job at 16 . As a mature student I took a degree course as I wanted to prove I could do it. My ex partner had a very privileged background but messed about at school and left with 2 O levels . He is well spoken and very well versed on politics and people think he is really well educated. He constantly tried to put me down and tell me how much more intelligent than me he was. I would sometimes cringe at how rude he could be to some people . I think he was very insecure and did it to make himself feel better but in the end it got too much.

Sounds like a fun relationship..

This is not a working class issue v "posh". This is a being dragged up v not being dragged up issue. Manners cost nothing. I think it is a bigger problem as he is attacking you in passive aggressive ways for not having his childhood.

I do t think I could live with someone behaving that way...

It's just bizarre. Pro BLM, hates anyone 'different' being treated unfairly, volunteered at help the homeless (all great things). But 'posh' people? He can't stand them.

Ah politics degree.
Find a scientist or engineer.

I have a sibling like this. If he could accuse me if having a posher background the an him he would.

So how long you do plan to spend scratching your head and wondering why he behaves so bizarrely?

@GreyFluffyTowel When I was married the first time my husband probably regarded me as posh. He'd get annoyed because there were things he did or said that really irritated me, and I'd say so. Things to do with table manners, the way he spoke sometimes. Fast forward 25 years, after our divorce, when he'd "gone up in the world" and his job involved going to business meetings and dinners with boards of directors of large companies. He told several of our friends that he was so grateful for that time married to me, because had he stayed how he was when we first met, he wouldn't have been able to cope in the situations he now found himself in.

Just comfort yourself with the thought that you might be doing him a favour. Tell him you're not posh, you're just a well brought up lady!

@GreyFluffyTowel

It's just bizarre. Pro BLM, hates anyone 'different' being treated unfairly, volunteered at help the homeless (all great things). But 'posh' people? He can't stand them.

Or is it the stick he uses to beat you with? I'm willing to bet that he is actually someone who is abusive to his intimate partners. If it wasn't your supposed "poshness" it would be something else instead - your accent, your style, that you're common. I would leave him or prepare to deal with this for the rest of your time together. I strongly suggest the former.

He is saying it in a negative way towards you.

Next time, I would say “ You keep doing this, are you getting a kick out of being nasty to me and thinking I’m shit? You obviously think your better than me because you won’t stop putting me down”

OP, why are you with the man who farts while you are eating?

He's insecure and neggin you.
This will not improve.

@Andante57

Hmmm......I often read on mn about ‘punching up’ being acceptable whereas ‘punching down’ isn’t. Here is an actual example of ‘punching up’ and not surprisingly the op isn’t finding it acceptable.

Yep. Mind you, it's not surprising that MN is siding with a privileged woman over a working-class man.

OP, you may be better off with someone who shares your privilege.