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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fed up of DP calling me posh

297 replies

GreyFluffyTowel · 24/01/2021 21:13

My DH and I were both brought up in the same town, although different areas. I was in the 'nicer' part, DP in what is considered the 'rougher' part. My parents were fairly comfortable, his not so much. None of those things even factored in us getting together. We've been together 3 years, lived together for just over 1. Over the past few months it's become increasing common for my DP to say 'I wish you weren't so posh' or 'you can tell you're privileged'. He claims he's joking but I don't find it funny. Apparently I'm sensitive. An example (it sounds ridiculous) - I was eating some toast with DP sitting next to me. He kept farting. I repeatedly asked him not too whilst I finished my toast, he told me I was posh. I'm posh for not wanting to brush my teeth whilst sitting on the loo. I'll say something and he'll say 'you sounded really posh then'. He comments about 'posh' people on the TV in a negative way. It's got to the point where I have said to him if I am too 'posh' then please go and find someone else who you feel is a better match for you and he then goes on the defensive and gets a bit moody.
Is he right, am I too sensitive?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/01/2021 21:56

Do not further subject yourself, let alone your children to such a crap example of a man. Would you want them to be in a relationship like yours is as adults?. No you would not and it’s not good enough for you either. He was likely on his best behaviour when he moved in but now you are seeing his true colours. He is also clearly not the man you thought he was.

User133847 · 24/01/2021 21:57

Horrible. He sounds like an abusive arsehole and you need to get out while you can.

wewereliars · 24/01/2021 22:03

ohalrighthen how can you know the OPs background, or that of her partner? Women who have had a more comfortable / privileged upbringing than their partner need to own it? So OP should spend her life apologising to her mannerless oaf of a partner who is disrespecting her in vile ways because she wasn't dragged up in a gutter? What ridiculous misogynistic rubbish.

LetItGoGo · 24/01/2021 22:09

Ohalrighththen no one ought to put up with negging or plain mean behaviour because they feel they had more luck in life's lottery.

We all should strive for a bit more than that.

User133847 · 24/01/2021 22:11

@Ohalrightthen

You're being overly sensitive, he's got a chip on his shoulder.

Also, take it from someone who is from a similar background as you, with a husband who has a similar background to yours, it can be tough as women who were raised with advantages to recognise that we are more privileged in many ways than men who were raised without them. It took a long time for me to own the myriad ways the accident of my birth had made my life easier than DH's, despite being a woman. It's not a comfortable feeling, but owning it is important.

This isn't the thread for satire.
LetItGoGo · 24/01/2021 22:12

Sorry did I miss a joke..time for bed.

athousandwords · 24/01/2021 22:14

He is crude, ignorant and offensive.
He belittles you, insults you and tries to make you feel insecure about yourself.

Get rid of him now before he drags your children down to his level.

Onthemaintrunkline · 24/01/2021 22:15

This chap has a deep seated ingrained resentment towards those better off. It bubbles out like an acid. Now it’s begun it won’t stop, it’s there, it’s in him, it’s an age old green-eye....jealousy. He doesn’t sound much of a prize tbh, his behaviour and his thinking is going to continue to cause problems I suspect.

User133847 · 24/01/2021 22:17

@LetItGoGo

Sorry did I miss a joke..time for bed.
They were just trying to be funny.
LetItGoGo · 24/01/2021 22:18

Well I'm up far too late!😄

TwilledSilesia · 24/01/2021 22:20

God help him if he genuinely thinks it’s ‘posh’ not to tolerate someone farting performatively as you eat toast. Hmm

grapewine · 24/01/2021 22:21

Think about living with his drip of negativity and thinly veiled resentment for years and years. Is that really what you want your life to be?

OhCaptain · 24/01/2021 22:22

Ew he sounds vile. Why are you with him?!

SavoyCabbage · 24/01/2021 22:32

What a wanker. It sounds like he was dragged up as my mother would say rather than you are posh. Not wanting to brush your teeth on the toilet is not a sign of nobility.

SunshineCake · 24/01/2021 22:32

He's trying to put you down while appearing to not do so.

DragonPoop · 24/01/2021 22:53

Just tell him he's a chav or rough as fuck, then just say your joking. He sounds like an absolute twat

Techway · 24/01/2021 22:53

Is he a partner or a husband? I hope he is only a partner.

This is a quite a clever way to devalue you as you can't change the way you were raised or your background and I suspect he is deliberately trying to provoke you.

You can try and stand up to him, rather than justify, just tell him his comments are not acceptable,if he values the relationship he may change but I suspect this is the real him.

Does he have a good relationship with the mother of his children.

motherstormy · 24/01/2021 22:57

grew up on the wrong side of the tracks and DP was probably what is now called underclass, neither of us would ever behave in that manner and have now progressed to a state where our families call us posh, we put it down many generations of class insecurity. Only you can decide whether the relationship is worth the work needed to overcome his insecurities.

category12 · 24/01/2021 22:57

He sounds like he resents the fuck out of you and he wants to make you accept unacceptable behaviour to bring you down and degrade you.

The honeymoon period is over and he's on a mission to devalue you and pull you down. While pretending it's "banter" on his part and over-sensitivity on your part.

katy1213 · 24/01/2021 23:05

It doesn't take money to have manners. It's nothing to do with being posh - he's coarse.
Why on earth did you marry him? Was he raised to behave like this? Even if he were, it doesn't take much brain to realise that others don't behave so crudely and lift yourself out of the gutter.

BooBahBoo · 24/01/2021 23:06

I dated a guy like this for a very short amount of time. He constantly mentioned my background. Near enough every day, actually.

I am not 'posh' in the slighest- my parents were together, I went to uni and went to an ok-ish school (not private or anything). My family were comfortable but never went on holidays or anything, no big fancy cars, 3 bed house etc. We were not rich in the slightest. He, on the otherhand, was brought up in a typically 'rougher' part of the country, dropped out of school, has minimal qualifications and he had a very hectic family life.

None of his background had any affect on my opinion of him in the slighest. Why would I care? Why is it important? It just isn't. It's all about the person. However, for some reason, he really couldn't let my very normal background go.

Every bloody day. Posh comments because I went to uni (to study a fairly non competitive Arts course). Posh comments because I said something a certain way (because I was brought up miles away from where he was). Comments about me being up tight and a goody-two-shoes because I had my car taxed on time (???). He also mentioned in the past he dated a girl from the same town as him but she was from the 'posh' bit with a lawyer dad and a big house, but kept dragging out the point out of how 'well off' she was.

The whole thing was utterly bizarre. It was like an obsession. Needless to say, it didn't last long. He actually broke up with me (I was having doubts but wanted to see if things fixed themselves), but I think he knew deep down he couldn't pretend to be a better version of who he really was. We had had an argument about drugs a few weeks before (I'm very anti drugs. He made out he was but was seemingly changing his mind), and I think he realised that he wanted to go back to his single boy life with the lads from the same few streets as him. He never introduced me to his 'friends' (but he did spend enough time bitching about them and making me think they were all druggy scumbags in his 'I hate drugs' phase).

Honestly, I think he was a bit resentful that my upbringing was a bit easier than his. I think he saw stability in me and wanted to make himself 'better', but then realised a few months in that stability is boring and difficult to keep up when your heart isn't in it. I also am fairly convinced he cheated at the end as he went completely cold for a week before a very immediate dumping. He was completely uncontactable on a night where he had offered to pick me up after I had been out with friends until 4pm the next day. Pretty sure that's when it happened.

Anyway, I actually bumped into him a few years after the breakup. He was very chatty and 'nice', but he overshared far too much and it was a bit embarrassing hearing it, really. It was if his life never actually moved on past when I met him. Still owing money to people. Still having all these 'aspirations' but doing fuck all about them. Still trying to be a boy racer in his shitty car with an exhaust the size of a tree hanging off the back. I felt really awkward because I was pregnant (again, I'd just had my first baby with my partner and we'd bought our first home together a year or so previously). He knew about my first baby and was very shocked I was expecting another. I ended up saying little to nothing to him other than I was excited for baby and my other toddler was doing great. It just felt too awkward.

OP, I've no idea if your DP is anything like my ex. I hope he isn't. But even if he isn't, he does need to stop with the comments. He is putting you down and you should never feel ashamed of your background, no matter if it's positive or negative, rich or poor. He needs to accept you, exactly as you are. If he can't, then that's his loss. It's also not up to you to change him, though. He needs to stop the jibes on his own, without being reminded.

I hope you can figure it out and he gets a good grasp on what is really, truly, important.

LizFlowers · 24/01/2021 23:10

That sort of defensiveness from your partner shows him to be rather insecure. I'm sure you are not 'posh' and the incidents you mention are things about which many of us would have issues.

Tell him to remove that great big plank from his shoulder and get real. He is in the wrong and actually embarrassing himself if he did but know it.

katy1213 · 24/01/2021 23:17

I don't think there's any way back from that level of disrespect. You don't have children so dump him. Tell him that you realise he thinks you're too good for him - and you agree. He'll be whining about it to anyone who will listen for years to come.

pallisers · 24/01/2021 23:24

He is horrible. Not only does he think that it is ok to fart when someone is eating next to you, but he thinks that is something "non-posh" people do. No they don't. Being considerate of others, not being uncouth and rude isn't just for the "posh" or better off. How insulting is he?

You don't sound in the least compatable.

I'd be gone - long since.

londonscalling · 25/01/2021 02:04

He has no respect for you!

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