Fed up of DP calling me posh

[GreyFluffyTowel]

My DH and I were both brought up in the same town, although different areas. I was in the 'nicer' part, DP in what is considered the 'rougher' part. My parents were fairly comfortable, his not so much. None of those things even factored in us getting together. We've been together 3 years, lived together for just over 1. Over the past few months it's become increasing common for my DP to say 'I wish you weren't so posh' or 'you can tell you're privileged'. He claims he's joking but I don't find it funny. Apparently I'm sensitive. An example (it sounds ridiculous) - I was eating some toast with DP sitting next to me. He kept farting. I repeatedly asked him not too whilst I finished my toast, he told me I was posh. I'm posh for not wanting to brush my teeth whilst sitting on the loo. I'll say something and he'll say 'you sounded really posh then'. He comments about 'posh' people on the TV in a negative way. It's got to the point where I have said to him if I am too 'posh' then please go and find someone else who you feel is a better match for you and he then goes on the defensive and gets a bit moody.
Is he right, am I too sensitive?

The things he is attributing to your ‘poshness’ aren’t really a matter of being posh are they?

It sounds like he just doesn’t like you. Do you feel like you’re both enjoying the relationship as much as you were a year ago?

Oooh, no, OP - please listen to what AnitaB888 says: this has all the red flags of coercive control. It doesn't matter what he says, the overall message is the same - change yourself for me. You're not good enough. How long will it be before you start changing to suit him? And when will the change be good enough? How degrading would it be to brush your teeth urinating? Tolerate someone farting whilst you're eating? Oh, please. No one should have to put up with this, and you really don't.

I think he's just an asshole.

Some of his habits are gross and nothing to do with being WC.

Domg have children with him he sounds vulgar and revolting and keep yours away from him if he behaves like that infact I'd get rid!
He lacks respect for you and staying with him would be the wrong thing to do

You're not sensitive he just sounds like a nob

You should not have to excuse yourself to anyone, least of all your partner. And the stuff you describe is nothing to do with poshness, having manners happens in lots of houses whatever their class, income, location. It is not like you had a country estate or a butler. You said it has been happening recently - I guess there is a chance that this is lockdown frustration being directed at you or more proximity leading to noticing things more. And there are a lot of guys who derive pleasure from winding people up. But whether it is that, or the symptom of problems which have been bubbling for longer, it is concerning. It sounds like he is just taking any chance to have a dig at you which must be so upsetting. The leading indicator of relationship failure is contempt for the other person, and if he cares about you at all he would stop if you ask him to, instead of keeping going. I guess the signs are not good here, but maybe you need to try and explain your concerns to him at a time when you are both calm (i.e. not in the heat of the moment when it is happening) and see how it goes. I hope you get a good response. Take care.

Yeah I’d get rid; life’s too short to put up with this sort of crap

Sounds horrible. Yes an abusive relationship with all the put down. You deserve better

@BornIn78. I could not have put it better. You don't have to be posh to have manners OP, the jerk is a peasant, get rid

I would assume that he is insecure..if you are not bragging up about your decent upbringing during your childhood then clearly he is the one comparing. In my opinion the best way to sort this out is talk it out with him. Let him know how he makes you feel. Sometimes people who feel that they are ' lower' compared to others only see their opinion as valid as they feel others are the lucky ones. Maybe his whole family feel like this..l can tell that this is effecting you because you're modesty allows you to want to be seen as humble

OP I can see you trying desperately to get your head why he does this. I personally would suggest you stop wasting your time and just end this.

It will only get worse.

His resentment towards you is leaking - he can't seem to stop all this acidic anger seeping out - he is jealous / envious / resentful and insecure. These are not the traits to go into a relationship.

End it now before it gets worse. I know that it is easy to say from behind a keyboard but this dynamic will not change.

Someone said sharing a toothbrush handle is not that bad - well not with a decent partner who has good hygiene maybe. But with someone who cleans his teeth on the toilet? You just know he's going to "forget" to change the brush head. OP, he's started on the next phase of trampling on your boundaries. Let him carry on with this and you'll lose all track of who you are.

@ruki79 and the others who say ‘talk to him’ - she HAS. She’s told him it makes her unhappy, he dismisses it as jokes and she’s too sensitive. And he continues to do it knowing it upsets her. Should she really have to explain it over and over? If he cared about her, he’d have apologised profusely the first time he did it - not continue and to also ADD to his list of her ‘faults’ and those of her family, or anyone else who falls into his categories of posh or corrupt etc. Wonder if he tells any homeless people at the shelter they’re posh when they don’t fart at the dining table? (I presume he actually works there rather than just ‘volunteered then never followed through...?)

Completely agree. However I think you need to ask yourself why you are with him? He sounds awful.

I personally don't think us as outsiders should be giving abrupt 'advice' to just 'leave him'! We don't know anything about the husband's personality- none of us are perfect and this may be his weak point as he may be finding it difficult to deal with. If 'Grey Fluffy Towel' comes to a point in her life whereby she finds it extremely difficult to live with this issue, I am sure she will make the correct decision to leave him herself. Lets try and provide productive advice where 'Grey Fluffy Towel' is able to make any decision by looking taking all factors into consideration, and be able to look back and feel completely secure in the fact that she made any life changing decisions herself.

@BornIn78

He sounds pretty disgusting.

Start telling him you wish he wasn’t as common as muck, as rough as toast, a peasant, riff raff, a pleb.

And when he gets arsey, tell him you’re only joking, he’s far too sensitive and ask why he can dish it out but can’t take it, tell him that’s quite a ‘common’ trait.

Or... my preferred option, just fuck him off, because he sounds like a gobshite.

All of this!

I may be wrong but it sounds like a form of abuse. Creeping in slowly, undermining, demeaning, Criticising nip it in the bud. Sit him down tell him it stops now, you will not tolerate it any longer. Your upbringing, your family members are out of bounds. Then if he says anything again hold up your hand and say stop. If he still continues LEAVE.

Sounds like a classic "how horrible can I be before she breaks up with me" tactic so that he doesn't have to do the deed. Very cowardly. And abusive.

This ;
'Sounds like a classic "how horrible can I be before she breaks up with me" tactic so that he doesn't have to do the deed. Very cowardly. And abusive.'

x100

Get out of this, OP and don't look back.

@thelonghaul

Sounds like a classic "how horrible can I be before she breaks up with me" tactic so that he doesn't have to do the deed. Very cowardly. And abusive.

Too true! And so common. For the so called 'stronger sex', it is astonishing how many men have no backbone when it comes to having an unpleasant conversation.

IE. I want a divorce, this is not working for me, etc etc.