Fed up of DP calling me posh

[GreyFluffyTowel]

My DH and I were both brought up in the same town, although different areas. I was in the 'nicer' part, DP in what is considered the 'rougher' part. My parents were fairly comfortable, his not so much. None of those things even factored in us getting together. We've been together 3 years, lived together for just over 1. Over the past few months it's become increasing common for my DP to say 'I wish you weren't so posh' or 'you can tell you're privileged'. He claims he's joking but I don't find it funny. Apparently I'm sensitive. An example (it sounds ridiculous) - I was eating some toast with DP sitting next to me. He kept farting. I repeatedly asked him not too whilst I finished my toast, he told me I was posh. I'm posh for not wanting to brush my teeth whilst sitting on the loo. I'll say something and he'll say 'you sounded really posh then'. He comments about 'posh' people on the TV in a negative way. It's got to the point where I have said to him if I am too 'posh' then please go and find someone else who you feel is a better match for you and he then goes on the defensive and gets a bit moody.
Is he right, am I too sensitive?

dancingbear you have managed to completely derail the op's post with your comments.

It's only about class because this man is accusing the op of being posh and he's behaving like a lout. Louts come in all classes, but this one seems to be a nasty class warrior (or pretends to be) and is being abusive to the op No woman of any class should take abuse like this from any man, no matter what class he happens to belong to. You suggested that the op was deserving of his abuse because of her privilege. You're wrong.

You outright accused me of being racist because I said your chip was showing - "we see you". Don't try and rewrite history when your posts are on this thread for all to read.

It's got fuck all to do with privilege. It's abuse.

@thedancingbear Just to respond to your point about my DP's 'posh' jibes being 'fairly trivial'. I don't believe someone's upbringing should be used against them. I also don't believe the constant comments about me being 'posh' are funny when I have told him repeatedly that I find it offensive!

So have you had time to think about what you want to do about this? I don't think you should waste more time on him because it will only get worse. Hope you find the space to consider your options.

[quote GreyFluffyTowel]@thedancingbear Just to respond to your point about my DP's 'posh' jibes being 'fairly trivial'. I don't believe someone's upbringing should be used against them. I also don't believe the constant comments about me being 'posh' are funny when I have told him repeatedly that I find it offensive! [/quote]
If it bothers you to that extent, then leave him. I've said that I think his farting etc. sounds pretty grim. Whether he's abusive or not (and you've not suggested that is the case, though it's the conclusion others have drawn), you're clearly not a good match.

I'm not disputing that he sounds like a bit of a dick. My problem is with some of the grossly offensive language used around people from less privileged backgrounds.

@thedancingbear HE is the one saying it's about class. HIM. You don't seem to understand the OP.

Other people are saying that they are also working class and don't behave like that. He is using class as an excuse for foul behaviour. He is calling the OP 'posh' and making snide remarks about her class.

No one is saying that he is behaving like that because he's working class, expect HIM. That is why people are saying that it's no excuse.

Then you waded in saying that he's not doing anything wrong and he's somehow right because she was brought up in a nicer area. He is upsetting her and she is finding the constant digs offensive.

I agree that telling someone they have a chip on their shoulder is offensive and has traditionally been used to close down dialogue on racism. However, I don't agree that he's in any way right here and him volunteering at a food bank, doesn't excuse his behaviour. And no, that doesn't make me a Nazi.

Then you waded in saying that he's not doing anything wrong and he's somehow right because she was brought up in a nicer area. He is upsetting her and she is finding the constant digs offensive.

Eh? Where?!

dancingbear your first message on this thread was to the op and it wasn't kind. If you have problems with particular people on here and the language they use then address them, not the op.

@thedancingbear - in my opinion, the way that @GreyFluffyTowel‘s dp is constantly making nasty digs about her being posh isn’t trivial at all - it sounds like sustained campaign of bullying, and if it doesn’t stop, it could cause real damage to her.

When I was 10, we moved house, and my sister and I didn’t have the same accent as the other children at school - my parents were teachers, and had brought us up speaking BBC English, and the other kids had the local accent. I definitely did NOT think my accent made me posh or in any way better than them, but for some reason, the other kids decided I was not only posh, but snooty too (because I was shy), and deserved to be bullied for it. My last year at junior school was miserable, and the bullying went on all through senior school too, until I went to Sixth form college.

I am 56, and still suffering the effects - low self esteem, depression, and anxiety.

I was the snooty shy child too, despite my background and it's horrible.

dancingbear your first message on this thread was to the op and it wasn't kind. If you have problems with particular people on here and the language they use then address them, not the op.

I don't think it was particularly unkind, or at least far less unkind than some of the bigoted language that has been used on this thread about people of 'lower' class. I didn't set the tone here. I suggested she would be better off not in a mixed-class relationship if she was sensitive about her background. She certainly sounds like she'd be better off out of the one she's in.

He sounds awful. He has a massive inferiority complex, no manners whatsoever and is emotionally abusive. I wouldn’t want my children to be around someone like him.

What do you actually gain from this relationship ?

He’s a dickhead with a huge chip on his shoulder.
He’s decided that “posh” is the stick he’s going to beat you with, what would be his reaction if you called him common?

Sounds just like my ex. He arbitrarily decided that I was posher than him because of my accent. My grandad came from the Gorbals in Glasgow, my dad educated himself in night school while working. Ex’s parents were both graduates.

Long story short - he was an emotional abuser and the relationship nearly killed me by totally destroying my mental health.

Or for another perspective - you have told him that these comments upset you. If he loved you, he would want to avoid upsetting you and would stop making them.

@knittingaddict

I was the snooty shy child too, despite my background and it's horrible.

I'm sorry that this happened to you, but it's a fuck of a lot better than growing up with zero life chances because of your background.

I am sure the other kids/their parents would have swapped places in a heartbeat.

I will also address the chip on the shoulder thing. It's not something that I've ever considered to be a specifically racist term and I think it's obvious that I didn't mean it that way on here, since race wasn't a part of this discussion. I would like to make it clear that I would never ever use it in a discussion on racism. I'm always happy to be educated on the subtext of language though. Hope that clears that one up.

I will also address the chip on the shoulder thing. It's not something that I've ever considered to be a specifically racist term and I think it's obvious that I didn't mean it that way on here, since race wasn't a part of this discussion. I would like to make it clear that I would never ever use it in a discussion on racism. I'm always happy to be educated on the subtext of language though. Hope that clears that one up.

But you're happy to use it to stick the boot into poor people. To summarise:

Prejudice against people of different races - abhorrent
Prejudice against people from different social backgrounds - fine

Cheers for clarifying.

@knittingaddict You obviously didn't know, but it's traditionally been levelled at those calling out racism in order to shut down the argument.

You misunderstood that post too bear

@thedancingbear - are you suggesting that @knittingaddict and I deserved to be made miserable as children, because of our accident of birth? Something we had zero control over?

Did I deserve to have my whole life - and my life choices and chances - blighted by depression, low self esteem and anxiety?

OK then.

I'm sorry that this happened to you, but it's a fuck of a lot better than growing up with zero life chances because of your background.

I am sure the other kids/their parents would have swapped places in a heartbeat.

I'm not sure what you are saying. My life chances? I was the working class kid with poor parents, both with disabilities. I've been there, but I was lucky that I was relatively bright and a hard worker. That's what gave me my chances in life. I seem to be the very group that you are championing. That's ironic.

[quote poppyzbrite4]@knittingaddict You obviously didn't know, but it's traditionally been levelled at those calling out racism in order to shut down the argument.[/quote]
Exactly, and multiple posters have used it in the same way here.

@knittingaddict

I'm sorry that this happened to you, but it's a fuck of a lot better than growing up with zero life chances because of your background.

I am sure the other kids/their parents would have swapped places in a heartbeat.

I'm not sure what you are saying. My life chances? I was the working class kid with poor parents, both with disabilities. I've been there, but I was lucky that I was relatively bright and a hard worker. That's what gave me my chances in life. I seem to be the very group that you are championing. That's ironic.

Ah okay fair enough, I took your reference to the 'snooty' child to mean that you were the privileged kid in a rough school. Apologies.

I suggested she would be better off not in a mixed-class relationship if she was sensitive about her background

Good victim blaming here dancingbear. He constantly harangues her about her background - something she can do nothing about - and you’re accusing her of being ‘sensitive’.

@knittingaddict

I will also address the chip on the shoulder thing. It's not something that I've ever considered to be a specifically racist term and I think it's obvious that I didn't mean it that way on here, since race wasn't a part of this discussion. I would like to make it clear that I would never ever use it in a discussion on racism. I'm always happy to be educated on the subtext of language though. Hope that clears that one up.

I 'get' what you mean about chip on shoulder and I think the op's husband displays one. Anyone can have one, I did at one time because of various things that had happened to be, I was scapegoated and always guilty (don't now :-). It was quite a burden.

Nothing to do with race, it's an attitude of mind, a feeling that one is always judged. A way of deflecting that is to be defensive, sometimes humorously but it really doesn't work.

May we all instill a sense of self worth and confidence!

Ah okay fair enough, I took your reference to the 'snooty' child to mean that you were the privileged kid in a rough school. Apologies

Dancingbear do you think it’s ok to bully a child because he/she is privileged?
I don’t know if you have children but do you encourage them to sneer at any privileged children they come across?