Fed up of DP calling me posh

[GreyFluffyTowel]

My DH and I were both brought up in the same town, although different areas. I was in the 'nicer' part, DP in what is considered the 'rougher' part. My parents were fairly comfortable, his not so much. None of those things even factored in us getting together. We've been together 3 years, lived together for just over 1. Over the past few months it's become increasing common for my DP to say 'I wish you weren't so posh' or 'you can tell you're privileged'. He claims he's joking but I don't find it funny. Apparently I'm sensitive. An example (it sounds ridiculous) - I was eating some toast with DP sitting next to me. He kept farting. I repeatedly asked him not too whilst I finished my toast, he told me I was posh. I'm posh for not wanting to brush my teeth whilst sitting on the loo. I'll say something and he'll say 'you sounded really posh then'. He comments about 'posh' people on the TV in a negative way. It's got to the point where I have said to him if I am too 'posh' then please go and find someone else who you feel is a better match for you and he then goes on the defensive and gets a bit moody.
Is he right, am I too sensitive?

OP, have you decided on what to do about your situation?

It's just a stick to beat you with OP, it could have been your weight, your looks, your intelligence... Anything to put you on the back foot and make you feel less valid. He's picked something fairly inoffensive on the face of it so that you seem unreasonable if you object and it seems so trivial in the retelling, but it's like water torture...drip drip drip. Your social background wasn't even something you ever thought was an issue...but now it's an issue isn't it? You're on an Internet forum asking people if you are being too sensitive.

You can"t win here, it shows a lack of respect. You've told him it's annoying/hurtful etc and yet he continues- how can that stack up against him loving and respecting you? Try for an ultimatum if you want to but I suspect he can't help himself, he might be on good behaviour for a bit but then it will get worse than it is now or take another unpleasant direction and if you have any sense you will dump his sorry game playing ass.

Lizflowers bear is another poster 😁

Farting while you are eating is symbolic of crapping on your plate. It is really really aggressive. He may not be conscience of this of course, but anything to do with toilets, farting etc reveals deep issues.

He's a pretty frightened pathetic man boy and clearly he fears that he cannot cope with the slightest challenge to his childlike comfort zone. Like a baby throwing his poo around in rage and fear.

Male pride is a really powerful thing - usually set in stone during childhood by parents and wider culture. They cannot admit to being frightened or feeling inferior so they wall up on a little boy island and throw rocks at challenge.

He will never have the insight to see any of this, and don't even try to 'educate' him.

I had a boyfriend (he was in his 50s) who hated the fact that I was reserved about farting. He tried to convince me I should let go and that it was funny (I used to find it funny when i was about 13!) and told me about the farting contests he had with his adult son. He also had a hatred of Bathing and cleaning his teeth (he never had bad breath surprisingly). Looking back I see it for what it was - a refusal to grow up and a need to de-sexualise the relationship and win control. When someone starts farting openly in front of you - it's the beginning of the end for your sex life.

It sounds to me like he's actually doing this on purpose. It's a form of negging - the whole 'i hate all police' - he KNOWS your brother is a police officer, but he can claim its for other reasons.

I think his mask is slipping OP and if you think about it you'll be able to find all sorts of examples of him negging you (you family, friends, hobbies, likes etc..).

I think you should think carefully about the dynamic, he sounds very toxic.

I think the class thing is a red herring and he just enjoys hurting you

I think you need to say clearly to him that yo are not posh, but you will also not apologise for who you are. If he can not accept you as you are and stop banging on about being posh, then he knows where the door is. He is being a total twat.

I'm working class & I was taught to hold in farts & burps in company by my mum, I actually get pissed off with my sister for doing it in front of me in my house; well I suppose it shows she feels at home!
One or two is ok but for a partner to keep doing it is just rude sorry.

Brushing teeth on the loo is just yuck too.

I was taught not to swear when I was a child and called posh & snob at my comp by certain people because of that.
My best mates (all working class) never swore either, but ironically a lot of the more middle class kids did!!
We were taught manners & how to give 'a good impression'.

If that's 'posh' then I'm posh!

Tl:dr Op I think your partner likes to pick on you for some reason, you need to call him out on it as he's being a bully let's be honest.

And you find him attractive because....?

you say he just completed a degree last year - is he working? how about you? is there a discrepancy with earnings?
You say you both have kids, do both sets of kids live with you?
I agree that this is not to do with being 'posh' - he is just using that as a useful excuse, he has found a weak point to keep poking at. Being 'posh' has nothing to do with the examples he gives - as others say the stuff he is negging you on is just personal boundaries - I wonder if there are other areas, like general personal privacy etc that he pushes. There was a guy on a thread recently who had a complete hissy fit when his wife locked the bathroom door to deal with a period issue.

He also doesnt seem to respond well if you call him on the behaviour - when you rightly say that if you are such a problem, then maybe he should reconsider the relationship.

There is a certain misogyny that comes with left wing social justice warriors. I suspect he thinks you should be lesser than him, and you are not. maybe you are more capable, and he resents it, but there is definately a feeling of inferiority coming out here, and an attempt to pull you down that is plain nasty, especially from someone who is supposed to care for you. I think I would seriously be reconsidering.

Oh god, just leave him. He’s pissing me off and I’ve never even met him.

You can do better. Being on your own would be better, actually.

It never used to be a problem for him so I really don't understand why it now is

You said you've only lived together for about a year and that it's got worse as the months go on, and unfortunately this is how it goes with abuse - especially from someone who sounds like a resentful teenager

You've called him both DH and DP so I'm not sure which it is, but if the second he'd be out of there so fast his head would spin ... why would you allow yourself to be dragged down by someone like this?

I think it’s not that you are being over sensitive. In actual fact he has some kind of inferiority complex and is feeling inadequate and trying to make you feel the same way so that he can, in turn, make himself feel better. Tell him you’ve had enough or you’ll find someone else who will treat you better rather than asking it if him.

I'm not posh but I don't brush my teeth whilst I'm on the toilet either! He sounds very bitter that you've had a better childhood than him, not sure how you get past it if he insists on "joking" about it

You need to get rid of him, he is not right for you. You sound too good for him

This does not sound good. I would be concerned. It may be time to re-evaluate the relationship. Is the relationship that you want to be in ? What are you willing to do if he does not stop? you can have the conversation...when you say X, this is how I feel. If you continue to do X, then I will have to look to Y. What are you willing to do or say. don't let him belittle who you are.

Why put up with it?
Concerning that he has a degree in what could be perceived as a challenging subject but has such indefensible opinions. And what is wrong with ‘posh’? Because you can communicate properly, speak so people can understand what you are saying, take care of family?
LTB.

@AnitaB888

No OP you are not being 'oversensitive'.

This has all the hallmarks of an abusive relationship in the making.

The digs at your background, minimising your feelings, sulking and 'victim-playing' are all hallmarks of low-level abuse which could escalate.

This book explains it very well.

blackwells.co.uk/bookshop/product/9780425191651?gC=5a105e8b&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIzcnt9cC17gIVAe3tCh0dkgXQEAQYASABEgLIv_D_BwE

Have a read and then decide on a course of action.

this exactly. ^^ i read the OP and thought "gaslighting"

Without wishing to be overly dramatic, it sounds potentially like the beginnings of gaslighting.
www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/gaslighting#gaslighting-examples

It's disrespectful, and a bit of a red flag to be honest. I've read the book @AnitaB888 recommended, it's very good, and seems to be appropriate for your situation.

Basically, If you tell him you don't like it, and he carries on doing it, it's intentional. He's using it like an insult, why continue to accept his behaviour? I'd get shut.

He’s a pig. Class has got nothing to do with it. Wanting to use the same toothbrush - does he always have a problem with boundaries? Yuck. He wants to do gross stuff then shame you for your (normal) reaction because you are posh or a snob. He is a PIG.

I dont think you're being sensitive as he is repeatedly making the comments. Maybe he does think he's making a joke and doesn't understand how offensive it is, but I'm not sure i agree that your relationship is doomed.

My DH (before he was that) used to constantly make jokes and jabs at me for being vegan, and would always (and sometimes still does) make jokes and snippy remarks about vegans. It got to the point where it was really peeing me off so I sat down and had a conversation with him about why it offended me and why did he think it was OK.

I know its not the same, but that life choice is part of me and who I am, and making jokes about that / snide comments WAS insulting me which I think is the same here.

I would say sit him down and ask him why he thinks its OK and why he does it when he knows it bothers you. You are completely within your rights to be annoyed at this, but I do think talk about it.

My DH didn't think it bothered me the way it did, and generally just thought it was funny as his family behave that way, but once I raised it, it all changed.

I still get the odd occasion where comments are made, but it doesn't bother me as I know its a joke and it's so infrequent I barely even listen!

You sound like very different people with different standards, are you married? If he carries on with this attitude and revolting habits then you may have to consider your future life with him.

Turn the tables on him and comment on things he does that annoy you as common as muck and only trashy people do that. See how he reacts. Manors cost nothing

He wont stop until he dumps you and he will blame you for it. Been there done that. read up on narcissistic behaviour, join a th group on it. Ask the same question there and listen to what they say. I urge u to do this, it will be eye opening from ppl in yr position