Am I being over sensitive? I think I probably am. *text messages attached*

[Letmeoutmycage]

Back story, husband has OCD and everything has to be clean and immaculate (he also cleans it’s not just me). He works away for months at a time (sometimes) and every time he's due to come home I spend days cleaning the house top to bottom so it’s sparkling.

I’m looking for opinions on these messages

I guess what I was wanting out of the conversation was for him to tell me not to worry about cleaning, and that it’s not a priority but that never came across to me in the messages.

I’m probably being over sensitive.. also I apologise for the Scottish slang

I have also blanked out everything else in black that wasn’t about the cleaning.

He does say 'it is what it is' - Op but it obviously causes him anxiety - and he might need some help in that regard.

Thank you for posting that Allispretty. I was just about to write a similar post.

Abused women often end up totally unable to think for themselves and making the decision to leave is the hardest ever for many. They have been reduced by years of manipulation and control to only make choices that the abuser has sanctioned. Some men tell their partners what to eat, what to wear, what to do on a daily basis and how to act. It doesn't start right from the beginning because most would walk away from that sort of behaviour in a new partner. It's the boiling frog analogy. It starts slowly and carries on until you've been conditioned and beaten down.

Op I hope you find the courage and strength to leave, but in the meantime I would strongly suggest phoning women's aid and getting some support. I am 100% sure that they will tell you that this is abuse.

But you do live alone when he's working away, only difference is you won't have to be a housemaid. You are young enough to start fresh.

I haven't read the full thread but your confidence sounds shattered. In isolation, the messages aren't too bad but it's sounds like you have a history with a controlling man and now, even if he said all the right things, the damage has been done and you have been left with the choice of cleaning how he wants you to or feeling anxious, worthless, and worried about his reaction. Very sad and I can confidently say, I couldn't live like that.

I do remember previous threads, 2 I think, and it strikes me that you get anxious pending his return, and reach out for help/ support. All I can say is that if it doesn't feel ok, then it generally isn't. I know that if my husband had been working away, I'd be desperate for him to get home. I hope you find your way through this, it can't be easy for you.

I only remember one thread over a year ago - I'm sure the other one was someone else. I didn't realise you were so young OP and had limited support IRL. This must all be incredibly hard for you to deal with and see a way forward but I do hope you find the strength and confidence to leave him before he permanently destroys your self esteem. Keep pushing back on his demands and don't pander to him in the meantime.

The texts are fine
I’m not diagnosed with ocd but I definitely have strong elements of it when it comes to being tidy and clean in the house I’m quite obsessive with it , he doesn’t sound abusive at all , when I’m at work I’ll text partner saying make sure this and that is done etc x

I remember your other thread. What do you actually want? You’re not happy. This relationship doesn’t work.

We are here for you OP. Just remember that. This place can be tough. But you have so much support

@Whitecup4

I can't quite see the message but I think it says:-

'What'll need doing? Everything? Nice to know what I'll be home to.'

This is clearly arsey.

If he just meant he'll deal with it when he gets in, someone would've just said 'ok, no worries' or something.

@Letmeoutmycage

I think his messages are fine. I feel sorry for you OP, I can also- like a PP said feel the panic in your texts to him, and that's no way to live. Have nothing really to advise but I will say that if you ever need to talk- please feel free to inbox me, it's awful feeling like you have no one to turn to in RL. I feel this way a lot. So I'm happy to give non judgemental support if it will help 💞

He’s coming to save the day and sort everything out because you’re useless and incompetent, that’s what he’s saying. I’d change the locks. He can fuck right off.

Keep talking on here.

Over time I have seen people being given such helpful advice , encouragement and support that it has made the impossible possible and they have left.

They have all been relieved once it's done and they were able to start finding out who they are and live being themselves , not on their last nerves and felt independence.

Keep posting, keep talking on here.

@Lauren551

The texts are fine I’m not diagnosed with ocd but I definitely have strong elements of it when it comes to being tidy and clean in the house I’m quite obsessive with it , he doesn’t sound abusive at all , when I’m at work I’ll text partner saying make sure this and that is done etc x

No-one has “elements of OCD”, not you and not the OP’s H, as neither of you have been diagnosed.

What expertise do you have that leads you to declare “he doesn’t sound abusive at all”? You sound as bad as him, texting your partner while you should be working to say he needs to make sure things are done.

What a dreadful way to live.

Also, cleaning the skirting boards? I pulled a bookcase out yesterday - don’t think the skirting boards had been cleaned since the last time I did that - in 2018

@Lauren551

The texts are fine I’m not diagnosed with ocd but I definitely have strong elements of it when it comes to being tidy and clean in the house I’m quite obsessive with it , he doesn’t sound abusive at all , when I’m at work I’ll text partner saying make sure this and that is done etc x

You're either diagnosed or not. You can't be 'a bit OCD' The texts are not fine - they upset OP and make her on edge. Fancy being in the sort of relationship where you have to text another adult from work to remind of their chores. It would be like living with a teenager reminding them to put the washing out.

Just in case people are in any doubt, OCD has nothing to do with being houseproud. OCD means being mentally forced to clean that oven, do the skirting boards even though you don't want to, because you believe your family will die if you don't (for example). Then you didn't do it 'right', so you have to start again. And again. You can have different degrees of it - it often tends to flare up and subside. It's no joke at any time, but when it's bad it's extremely debilitating.

OCPD is a different disorder involving perfectionism etc. They're not the same, but often confused.

Wishing you strength OP. You don't have to live like this.

I was going to say from the text messages, it seems like he's telling you it's fine. But you have updated to say you want to leave. So there's definitely more to it.

Take care. No advice on leaving. I've never had to think about it but lots of people on here to help you.

One day at a time.

Forgot to add, OCD often doesn't involve cleaning at all.

Good luck OP.

@LizzieAnt

Forgot to add, OCD often doesn't involve cleaning at all.

Good luck OP.

Indeed, my friend who has classic OCD with intrusive thoughts, is actually pretty messy.

The casual and inaccurate use of 'he's/I'm a bit OCD' infuriates me. It's a terrible condition and not to be trivialised or attached to perfectionism.

First time around I didn't see the 2nd photo. I remember your thread from before.

It totally comes across as him being critical and arsey IMHO!!