Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being over sensitive? I think I probably am. *text messages attached*

197 replies

Letmeoutmycage · 23/01/2021 21:52

Back story, husband has OCD and everything has to be clean and immaculate (he also cleans it’s not just me). He works away for months at a time (sometimes) and every time he's due to come home I spend days cleaning the house top to bottom so it’s sparkling.

I’m looking for opinions on these messages

I guess what I was wanting out of the conversation was for him to tell me not to worry about cleaning, and that it’s not a priority but that never came across to me in the messages.

I’m probably being over sensitive.. also I apologise for the Scottish slang Grin

I have also blanked out everything else in black that wasn’t about the cleaning.

Am I being over sensitive? I think I probably am. *text messages attached*
Am I being over sensitive? I think I probably am. *text messages attached*
OP posts:
toocold54 · 23/01/2021 23:05

I think those texts sound really nice. You say you havent had time to clean and he’s saying don’t worry about it he’ll do it when he gets home.

Are you worried about him coming home and seeing the mess?

Bluntness100 · 23/01/2021 23:06

I don’t think it’s intimidating etc, I just think it’s really odd ans he clearly has an issue with cleaning

If I texted my husband the house wouldn’t be as clean as it normally was he would be totally and utterly bemused that I had texted such a thing, and would think I was having a laugh or something was wrong with me. He would be all “what?”

The same for my close friends, I can’t imagine them doing such a thing either, it’s just not normal that’s my point, the whole exchange is abnormal. It’s like you both, not just him, you both think how clean the house is is really really important, albeit for different reasons, And unless you’re living unhygienically, it’s not.

toocold54 · 23/01/2021 23:06

I also don’t know anyone who texts about how clean the house is lol so for it to be a conversation then there are obviously issues there.

HarrysWife · 23/01/2021 23:08

I havnt read any previous threads so this is just going off these texts I dont see a problem. If anything you go on about it (probably seeking an "its ok" response) and thats why it continues. He comes across fine to me though. Not funny about it and says he will sort it.

RealisticSketch · 23/01/2021 23:09

Those messages between anyone else would be fine. It's the back story that makes them not fine. I remember your previous thread also and the eggshells surrounding the cleanliness levels of the house are not healthy. It isn't his expectations so much as his response when they are not met which is the issue. Sounds like he's cutting you some slack here... But that should be a given and shouldn't bring relief and gratitude.

Happylittlethoughts · 23/01/2021 23:10

It sounds as though you are both discussing a known and acknowledged issue on his part. I thought he sounded fine you sounded more "tense" or as though you were trying to justify yourself/house - which you shouldn't.
I don't see an issue but the "tone " of text messages can be read so differently can't they?
Also ..please don't call you Scots language slang! 😁

combatbarbie · 23/01/2021 23:12

Oh I remember your previous thread! I can't believe you proceeded with his list. His OCD (which is not diagnosed) doesn't make lists for you!! What a cop out! You were advised last time to not bow down to his ridiculous cleaning schedule, it's a home not a show house!

peboh · 23/01/2021 23:14

His list of cleaning jobs are jobs that I do once a week though? That doesn't seem like anything out of the ordinary for keeping a clean house. It shouldn't take you all day to do those jobs if they're being kept on top of regularly

HopeYourHighHorseBucks · 23/01/2021 23:14

The messages itself are fine. In fact it reads like he is trying to brush it off as not a big deal and hel sort it, and you're trying to get a certain reassuring response out of him.

Having known people like your DP and how their partners panic about making a mess, what kind activities make the less mess etc. I understand why the messages are irritating you.

boomoohoo · 23/01/2021 23:15

Op you sound a bit frightened of him. Trying to placate him, prepare him for it not being perfect.. to try and protect yourself (and the kids?) from his mood and behaviour in the home.
Whether he has ocd or not, this dynamic sounds really unhealthy for you (and abusive, if you experience 'walking on eggshells' and feel scared / intimidated by him)

missrm · 23/01/2021 23:18

Jeeezo. I wouldn't even have to justify myself to my OH. Like that wouldn't even be a train of throught to message about!

Robbybobtail · 23/01/2021 23:18

I think it comes across like your trying to appease him and he’s trying to be relaxed about it (but not quite managing). It seems like you’re very worried about what his reaction will be when he gets home - and you shouldn’t be.
Let him crack on with it if he’s so bothered.

Bluntness100 · 23/01/2021 23:19

@toocold54

I also don’t know anyone who texts about how clean the house is lol so for it to be a conversation then there are obviously issues there.
Yes that’s what I think, no one has a text convo about the house and how clean it is. You’ve not seen your husband for weeks and he’s coming home, it’s all ooh excited to see you, kids can’t wait, shall we habe a special meal and a few drinks

Not a convo about how clean the house is

Op is there another side to this? Is it he is “ocd” about it, or is it you both have very different standards, where maybe you’re more laissez faire about it, and he likes it clean and tidy so it’s become an issue between you? When you say you’ll do “bits” it does sound like it’s not routinely done.

I do know someone whose idea of “normal clean” would be most folks idea of messy and not very clean at all, and their idea of “sparkling” being most folks idea of normal clean.

RantyAnty · 23/01/2021 23:21

I remember you from your previous post. Wasn't his mother like that too?

I recall a few mentioned having a cleaner in the day before he arrives.
Are you able to do that?

With you leading your message apologising for not having everything perfect, I sense your anxiety about it.

If you're not going to leave him, you have to try to undo the way he's trained you to be freaked out over his standards.

You have to learn to ignore his irritable moods and tell him to get over himself. You can do this yourself or with therapy.
Are you willing to attend therapy?

Years of this type of stress can catch up with you eventually in high blood pressure, depression, and other problems.

With him being gone so much, I can't see how he is adding much to your life. You're alone most of the time anyway. You can be alone and not have to put up with his bullying cleaning fetish.

partyatthepalace · 23/01/2021 23:22

Erm OP you need to stop pandering to him - you aren’t a child or a dog, you don’t need to feel rewarded when he says well done. Neither do you need to endlessly apologetically bring it up and go round in circles as you do in these texts.

He sounds somewhat obsessive, but not bullying. You do sound very submissive and anxious. If you know it’s going to bother him tell him it’s messier than usual because of the home schooling and leave it at that. He’ll understand it, and if wants to clean he can clean.

Robbybobtail · 23/01/2021 23:23

His version of clean is skirtings all wiped down, outside doors cleaned, every single piece of glass cleaned (we have a lot of large windows and glass in the house), car cleaned, oven cleaned the day before he comes home, the bed sheets changed the day he actually gets home, the list goes on.

His version of clean sounds like a fucking unrealistic nightmare! Outside doors cleaned!? Who the fuck even does that? Just wow. Have you ever seen the film Sleeping With the Enemy OP? Give it a watch.

CherryBlossomTree7 · 23/01/2021 23:24

I remember your last post.

Those texts are fine in their self. But, we know there is a backstory. Here you are again worrying and contemplating his cleaning obsession. This is no way to live. Yet you're choosing to live like this. He will never tell you to not worry about the cleaning, he is obsessed and you tread on eggshells to please him. You know it's wrong.

Mbear · 23/01/2021 23:24

@Krook

Sorry OP but I really doubt he would be diagnosed with OCD. He obviously likes things clean and tidy but is using it as a method of control. OCD is not just about being irritable when things aren't cleaned to your liking.
I really agree with Krook - his obsession with cleaning is just that, his obsession. He can dress it up as OCD all he likes, but OCD does not manifest as getting other people to do your obsession for you. He can like things super clean all he wants, he but this is about control and not much else.
CostaDelCovid · 23/01/2021 23:26

@Looneytune253

I actually got from the messages that he wasn't that bothered and he'd sort it when he got back. I think you're being a bit oversensitive sorry
Did you not notice the sarcastic "Nice to know what I'll be coming home to" & "Yeah whatever"
CostaDelCovid · 23/01/2021 23:28

@toocold54

I think those texts sound really nice. You say you havent had time to clean and he’s saying don’t worry about it he’ll do it when he gets home.

Are you worried about him coming home and seeing the mess?

"Nice to know what I'll be coming home to" Oh yeah, really nice HmmHmmHmm
Oldbutstillgotit · 23/01/2021 23:29

Based on this thread there isn’t really an issue ( apart from “knowing what he is coming home to “) but I remember your previous thread and it was clear that he had extremely high expectations regarding cleaning. I commented at the time about DSD’s DH leaving her lists of chores to be done .
The fact is that you are anxious and not really looking forward to him coming home which is the concern.

RogueV · 23/01/2021 23:29

Those texts aren’t bad at all.

However I remember your previous thread and that didn’t come across great to be honest.

Elmo311 · 23/01/2021 23:30

You've posted about him before, just tell him to do one!

DioneTheDiabolist · 23/01/2021 23:33

Did cleaning ever make you anxious before you met your DH @Letmeoutmycage?

toocold54 · 23/01/2021 23:37

"Nice to know what I'll be coming home to"
Oh yeah, really nice

He’s saying he prefers to be made aware before he gets back.
It’s better to know so he is prepared and as he does have issues with things being clean OP knew he would want to know beforehand what it’s going to be like.

Swipe left for the next trending thread