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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being over sensitive? I think I probably am. *text messages attached*

197 replies

Letmeoutmycage · 23/01/2021 21:52

Back story, husband has OCD and everything has to be clean and immaculate (he also cleans it’s not just me). He works away for months at a time (sometimes) and every time he's due to come home I spend days cleaning the house top to bottom so it’s sparkling.

I’m looking for opinions on these messages

I guess what I was wanting out of the conversation was for him to tell me not to worry about cleaning, and that it’s not a priority but that never came across to me in the messages.

I’m probably being over sensitive.. also I apologise for the Scottish slang Grin

I have also blanked out everything else in black that wasn’t about the cleaning.

Am I being over sensitive? I think I probably am. *text messages attached*
Am I being over sensitive? I think I probably am. *text messages attached*
OP posts:
Arrierttyclock · 23/01/2021 22:36

My heart was racing reading this. My dad worked at sea and like you my mum would spend days frantically cleaning the house ready for his arrival. It was so so stressful I dreaded him coming home. When he did the house was never clean enough and we'd get woken up being screamed at that our wardrobes weren't cleaned enough etc. Then we were on tenterhooks scared to make any mess whatsoever. It's a horrible way to live... I'm now NC with my father. Not saying your situation is like this but I know the atmosphere of the arrival of a seriously OCD parent and it's horrible

Namechange2020lalala · 23/01/2021 22:40

I remember from before, you're either scared of his reaction or desperate for approval, neither of which is good. Also did someone not suggest getting a cleaner around for a few hours if you want the house to be sparkling for your man, (covid notwithstanding).

Viviennemary · 23/01/2021 22:41

I think they're fine. He is implying that he'll get the house in order again. Can't see any more to be read into this.

Linzi2377 · 23/01/2021 22:42

Sounds Aberdeenshire? Do what you can do..to me it sounds like he’s willing to muck in atleast xx

Tiktaktoe · 23/01/2021 22:42

What happened when he came home last time? You had a huge thread about it?
Then disappeared?

Cheeeeislifenow · 23/01/2021 22:44

I remember byour post from last time. This goes deeper than just the cleaning op.if I remember rightly.

ThePoetsWife · 23/01/2021 22:45

I remember you too.

The reason why you're so memorable is because you came across as rather frightened and he sounds controlling and abusive.

Original poster
Letmeoutmycage · 23/01/2021 22:46

No he hasn’t been diagnosed with OCD, he’s never spoken to a professional about it. I made a comment about it a few years back and he denied for a long time but now he will use it as his excuse, “sorry I can’t help it, it’s my OCD” or “I have a list of must do things for you, sorry it’s my OCD”.

He doesn’t shout if things are untidy, he just gets irritable and there’s a lot of tension. He makes a fuss when I bake because it makes a lot of mess, even though I clean it up.

Someone has mentioned above I’m desperate for approval, and I think that’s it.

OP posts:
Looneytune253 · 23/01/2021 22:46

I actually got from the messages that he wasn't that bothered and he'd sort it when he got back. I think you're being a bit oversensitive sorry

MoreMorelos · 23/01/2021 22:47

It seems you have the issue more than him tbh, "it is what it is" "don't worry I will sort it when I'm home", He admits he likes a clean house, but you're the one going over and over it

Grobagsforever · 23/01/2021 22:47

Ah. So sorry he's still like this OP.

I think you got lots of good advice about leaving him last time.

Hope you're ok.

yetmorecrap · 23/01/2021 22:48

I lived with someone like this, in the end I dumped him because the obsession with having a perfect house was partly because he was a bit of a loser who seemed to think having a lovely immaculate home compensated for other things— I just found it wearing to be honest

Cheeeeislifenow · 23/01/2021 22:48

He is controlling op. If you are walking in eggshells and afraid to do things in your own home, that is no way to live. His "OCD" just means that he is using that as an excuse to keep you under the thumb.

Original poster
Letmeoutmycage · 23/01/2021 22:48

The thread must have been from 2019 when I spoke about the lists as that’s the last time I had one. Nothing happened when he came home, I had cleaned the house spotless like he asked so no problems.

OP posts:
peboh · 23/01/2021 22:49

I don't see any issue with this. When I'm away from home I enjoy coming back to a clean and tidy house... how we you brought it up, not him and he said 'it is what it is. Wouldn't you be annoyed if you worked away for weeks at a time and came home to having to do all the housework?

QueenOfPain · 23/01/2021 22:50

I can’t really see anything wrong with what he’s said. I think he’s basically said not to worry when he’s said “it is what it is”.

MoreMorelos · 23/01/2021 22:52

@peboh

I don't see any issue with this. When I'm away from home I enjoy coming back to a clean and tidy house... how we you brought it up, not him and he said 'it is what it is. Wouldn't you be annoyed if you worked away for weeks at a time and came home to having to do all the housework?
Agree! My DH works away and always make sure the house is sorted before he gets home
Krook · 23/01/2021 22:53

Sorry OP but I really doubt he would be diagnosed with OCD. He obviously likes things clean and tidy but is using it as a method of control.
OCD is not just about being irritable when things aren't cleaned to your liking.

TwilledSilesia · 23/01/2021 22:54

In the context of your previous posts about him, OP, the whole dynamic is pretty concerning. He’s never going to tell you not to worry about the cleaning — your lives revolve around his obsession.

sixpencenonethepoorer · 23/01/2021 22:55

I think it's in what's not said. His tone is a little intimidating here - as in, don't worry I'll sort it. I don't read this as a nice thing, I read it as him making you feel useless. Like an eye roll. He's being controlling.

Will he punish you with a bad mood if it's not cleaned to his standard?

OP this is your house too. Tell him if he wants to help, then homeschooling is the place to start.

Priorities.

peboh · 23/01/2021 22:58

I personally don't see anything controlling in those messages at all. He's said he can't wait to get back into his own bed after being away for work, and op has jumped straight in with 'don't expect the house to be clean' why bother sending that message anyway? Because now he thinks he's got to come home and do everything as op hasn't kept on top of things.

DrinkRefilled · 23/01/2021 22:59

Oh my god! How do you allow him to be like this with you? I would not stand for that at all.
If he’s the one who has to have it sparkling then he can do it.
He should know having kids at home all of the time it is impossible.
Can he not just chill out and enjoy family life

Original poster
Letmeoutmycage · 23/01/2021 23:00

Just to add in I’m actually a very clean person and the house is always clean for him coming home however we both have different standards.

His version of clean is skirtings all wiped down, outside doors cleaned, every single piece of glass cleaned (we have a lot of large windows and glass in the house), car cleaned, oven cleaned the day before he comes home, the bed sheets changed the day he actually gets home, the list goes on.

Just incase anyone thinks I live in a tip, I don’t

OP posts:
MoreMorelos · 23/01/2021 23:03

His "clean" doesn't sound that unreasonable to me, always make sure a clean fresh bed for him to come home too, no place like your own bed. I'm only basing my thoughts on this thread as did t see your previous one

frozendaisy · 23/01/2021 23:04

Houses should be homes. Where people live
People create mess.
It can be cleaned.
But sparkling, I don't even know the difference.

Everyone should feel comfortable in their home no tense it's not up to cleaning standard.

I don't think I have ever messaged anyone ever about our housework. I would try and take a step back and do the cleaning to a normal standard and not being it up in messages. Because you brought it up this time.

Alternatively always live with someone whose domestic standards are lower than yours then you always clean to super levels.

Or get a cleaner. Book them to come day before he comes home. He can pay.