Am I being over sensitive? I think I probably am. *text messages attached*

[Letmeoutmycage]

Back story, husband has OCD and everything has to be clean and immaculate (he also cleans it’s not just me). He works away for months at a time (sometimes) and every time he's due to come home I spend days cleaning the house top to bottom so it’s sparkling.

I’m looking for opinions on these messages

I guess what I was wanting out of the conversation was for him to tell me not to worry about cleaning, and that it’s not a priority but that never came across to me in the messages.

I’m probably being over sensitive.. also I apologise for the Scottish slang

I have also blanked out everything else in black that wasn’t about the cleaning.

It’s interesting how we all see things differently. I don’t read them as being ocd and stressed about OP having cleaned the house. He said a couple of times he’d tackle it when he came home.

That said it’s hard to say without more information about the relationship.

Hope you’re ok OP and it’s not indicative of you being in an abusive or coercive relationship.

I'm not reading the full.thread, OP just your updates. On the surface the messages dont look too bad, more like he's saying 'don't worry' and you keep apologising but it's not about what's on the surface, is it? Sounds like theres a reason you keep apologising.

If he's blaming him being controlling and pushy about cleaning on OCD, that's a diagnosable condition he can get help with and he should be looking to get help.with. I don't know if he really does have it, but he shouldn't just be expecting the whole family to accommodate his obsessive cleanliness, that is controlling.

If he's insistent upon a certain, OTT level of cleanliness, he needs to be calmly making that happen, either himself or employing a cleaner. Have you spelled out to him that you are not willing to do these tasks, such as responding to lists of jobs, they are beyond keeping a normal clean home and are not willing to discuss or argue about them? How would he respond if you really make clear he is being unreasonable and that you're not buying the OCD excuse without a diagnosis and treatment plan anymore? If you fear that he would respond unpleasantly or aggressively then you have a controlling, even mentally abusing man and you can think what to do next accordingly.

@Carysmatthews

It’s interesting how we all see things differently. I don’t read them as being ocd and stressed about OP having cleaned the house. He said a couple of times he’d tackle it when he came home.

That said it’s hard to say without more information about the relationship.

Hope you’re ok OP and it’s not indicative of you being in an abusive or coercive relationship.

I think any domestic abuse expert with all the facts that the op has shared in at least 2 threads would disagree with you there.

@samanthawashington

He is being a total shit. Sarcastic and dismissive come to mind. How dare he show so little understanding of how difficult life has been for everyone and you in particular and impose his ridiculous standards on you. If he wants immaculate then he can do it himself. Normal cleaning and normal tidiness is reasonable, this is not.

I doubt also that this is a healthy environment for you children if they are not allowed to make usual kiddie mess when they are playing?

THIS^

I think it's so sad that he has made you feel so anxious about reaching the standards he sets for you. If he disapproves you have to endure the tension and disapproval while he punishes you :(

He should be falling at your feel in gratitude that you have looked after the kids, homeschooled, kept the house tidy and brought a wage in. You are a superwoman and all he can do is say "it is what it is"??????

What he has is over-bearing cock disorder not obsessive compulsive disorder. Honestly, my husband has ocd which centres on cleaning and behaves NOTHING like your husband.

I read them with a passive aggressive tone myself. He’s obviously getting worked up to continue the conversation. These are the situations where they need to experience doing everything alone and see how much they get done!

I also remember you from previous writings. He uses cleanliness here as a stick to beat you with. You've also stated that he has never seen a professional person for OCD so you should not have ever assumed that OCD is present. Abusive people often use OCD as an excuse for their own controlling behaviour. Make no mistake either, his controlling behaviour of you is from a place of abuse; he wants absolute power and control over you here and from afar.

He has not changed and you have not changed at all how you react to him. You're still very much living under his cosh and remain desperate for his approval (approval that he will never give you). Nothing has changed here and will not until you force change by getting this man out of your day to day lives.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up; what sort of an example did your parents show you?. Did they also show approval of you conditionally?.

OP. People recognise you as it wasn't 2019 but before Christmas you were made to jump through hoops

Nothing's changed really has it

He is who he is, he’s trying to prepare himself for what to expect and has said he’ll do it. He’s not going to say don’t worry because that would be a completely
different person. I don’t understand how you can expect that?
I’m not excusing him I’m just saying you should know what he’s like by now and that he won’t change. And if you don’t like that you have options!

My ex was controlling and also had proper OCD. In my opinion your DH does not have OCD - as much as I can tell from the information in the thread anyway. How he is about cleaning I'd class as controlling rather than OCD.

I don't think the texts look so bad standalone, but your anxiety comes across and I don't think it's healthy. I think his texts do have a bit of bad undertone though, but if it weren't for the backstory I'm not sure I'd have noticed anything other than thinking "well that's a lot of texts about cleaning".

He doesn't have OCD stop using that as an excuse for him.

If he starts getting intrusive thoughts over something, then get him to the doctors.

Otherwise stop pandering to him.

But also on that, he is saying he will sort it so let him crack on with it

If you're in Scotland you can't get a cleaner in to help, as some posters have suggested - it's allowed in England but not Scotland and there are big fines for contravention while the restrictions are in place. But the point is, that you shouldn't feel fearful of your DH coming home and I agree with all the posters who say that sounds controlling.

Stop being a doormat and worrying about whether the cleaning will be up to his standards. If it's not shrug and do nothing. Stop pandering to him. If he has ocd don't enable it but to be honest it sounds more like he just enjoys controlling you.

I remember your old threads too OP.
I'm not sure what you want from posting again? Are you wanting people to tell you it's fine? Or are you wanting people to give you permission to leave because it's sufficiently bad?

All that matters is how you feel about how he behaves, you don't need strangers on the Internet to say this is ok/not ok. Clearly nothing has changed since your last threads and you are still walking on eggshells around him. Only you can decide to do something about that.

There's no way I could possibly live like this, either the impossible cleaning standards or the fact he blames things on a mental health condition that he won't get help for.

BUT the actual texts I don't think seem rude or anything. He is clearly recognising that he will need to do cleaning when he gets home to get it to his standards. You do sound very stressed about it all.

The “you’re too sensitive” phrase is what people say when they’ve said or done something unkind and want you to believe that they haven’t. When you hear something often enough, you eventually consider the possibility that it might be true. Also you very much still want his approval and I would think that started in your own childhood as well. What are your parents like; did you feel that their approval was conditional too?.

It is more of the same from him, her other thread was him also writing very similar. He makes OP stressed because of his incessant demands re cleaning to his precise and over arching standards. He knows what he is doing here and uses text messages as well to control her from afar.

Nothing will change until OP herself decides to act out her current user name and gets out of the gilded cage he has put her in. He won't let her go that easily however, but that does not mean to say she should at all remain with him.

OP you really need to consider leaving him for your own sanity and to ensure your children can enjoy their childhoods without being scared of making even the slightest bit of mess. He is a tyrant and this is no way to live - you know you can manage without him as you do it all by yourself for weeks on end when he is away. Life is stressful enough as it is without being dictated to all the time.

My DS has extreme OCD so this is why I remember OCD threads, and I can fairly confidently say it doesn't present itself like this and he would never be diagnosed with OCD.

I'm quite shocked at people's responses here to this being fine...those messages to me don't sound like a husband/wife exchange it almost sounds like your conversing with your boss

Personally I feel it's controlling and I couldn't live like that, my DP has mild ocd and there's only certain things he will do like hoovering etc as he's so pedantic about it, he can crack on...if I'm too busy in too busy I have a ft job and ds to look after I don't need to explain this to him though!

I think you need to really have a think about how this makes you feel when he's about to return, it sounds like you get worked up and worried about how he will feel without thinking about your own feelings. How anyone thinks that is ok is beyond me it's not a partnership

This website may also be helpful to you OP:-

womensaid.scot/

This also enrages me as it's sexist beyond belief! Just because your the wife doesn't mean your the little cook/cleaner too it's 2021 ffs

I'm probably missing a back story here as I can't really see a problem with the messages.
The jobs you mention I do weekly, except cleaning the oven, I don't do that every month, I mean it's clean but not a proper clean, shelves out etc
Tbh if I worked away for weeks on end and came home to sheets that hadn't been cleaned I'd be irritable too.

OP, have you maybe been doing everything on his lists without thinking about it? Maybe that’s why he has been “better”?

Your username says it all, OP.

I remember your last thread. He hadn’t changed. Why are you still in this toxic relationship?