Am I being over sensitive? I think I probably am. *text messages attached*

[Letmeoutmycage]

Back story, husband has OCD and everything has to be clean and immaculate (he also cleans it’s not just me). He works away for months at a time (sometimes) and every time he's due to come home I spend days cleaning the house top to bottom so it’s sparkling.

I’m looking for opinions on these messages

I guess what I was wanting out of the conversation was for him to tell me not to worry about cleaning, and that it’s not a priority but that never came across to me in the messages.

I’m probably being over sensitive.. also I apologise for the Scottish slang

I have also blanked out everything else in black that wasn’t about the cleaning.

@ALittleBitConfused1

I'm probably missing a back story here as I can't really see a problem with the messages. The jobs you mention I do weekly, except cleaning the oven, I don't do that every month, I mean it's clean but not a proper clean, shelves out etc Tbh if I worked away for weeks on end and came home to sheets that hadn't been cleaned I'd be irritable too.

Your failing to see the actual point though, look at the tone of the thread op already thinks she's being over sensitive because he's chipped away at her self esteem for so long. The very fact she's homeschooling, working ft as well is enough to tip anyone over the edge. The level of cleaning he's expecting would mean she has little time left for herself each evening as she'd need to be cleaning the whole house each night!

Basically the DH wants to arrive back to show home. He should just stay on the oil rig if he's going to be a dick.

Do people actually think these messages sound nice?? I think he sounds a right cock, you have to clean the car and the oven the day before he arrives home amongst everything else? Fuck that. Are you his slave ???? I literally could not live like this. More fool you if you do!

oven cleaned the day before he comes home

Does he inspect/make sure to look at the oven? That really is annoying.

Shame you mentioned OCD in passing, as he now uses it as an excuse for being the 'drill sergeant' arsehole he is.

Like some other PP's I don't see his messages as nice. 'Nice to hear what I'll be coming home to' is sarcastic.

He doesn't own you and you're not his slave to have to spend hours on this stuff he wants when you have other things you have to do, too.

The messages come across like he makes you anxious and you were trying to prevent a strop from him when he got in, or an atmosphere.

What is your life like if you don't follow his regime?

In what other ways does he control what you have to do etc?

God I remember your last thread. And I agree why are you still there. Please try and find a way to leave.
You sounded scared and panicky then and you still sound scared and panicky

Ops last thread was very unsettling. He expected the house to be pristine and even wanted photographs for proof.
Looks like nothing has changed, did you take any of the advice many many people gave you in your last thread OP?
It's awful that you're still having to deal with your twat of a husband. What sort of advice do you want that would be different from the last thread?

I remember offering advice on the last threads. When you had to photograph the house to prove you cleaned it and tick off his check list, every one said it was a toxic relationship and people even referred to him as your man out of corrie - Jeff. This wasn't in 2019, it was last year and there's been more than one thread. You are going to keep getting the same replies, you're just posting the recent texts, some people don't know the back story. Your h is a controlling arsehole and you are posting because you know this. It doesn't matter how many times we tell you he is a fucker, you need to realise this yourself. Your relationship is not normal and it is toxic and I'm being blunt because the softly softly isn't working with you.

Sorry for taking to long to reply, I have read every reply.

Truthfully I want to leave him, someone had mentioned earlier on “what do you want from this post? Do you want approval that you can leave this relationship? And I think this is what I need.

I have nobody I can talk to in real life, I have friends and family but nobody I trust enough, so I only have online help. I had a therapist arranged for the start of the year but unfortunately due to covid was cancelled.

I have got it in my head that I need to leave him for my sanity at the very least, I need more courage to do it. I’m late twenties and have been with him since I was 18, he has been my only serious partner and I’ve never lived on my own etc.

I know it’s very easy to say, come on leave him what are you waiting for.. but I am trying. I have been looking up house prices and wondering what I can afford, I have looked at how much child maintenance money he will be due me, I really am trying.

You’ll get the, I think I must have posted on here about 10 times over 2 years before I did anything about leaving my ex.
I even left him and then went back for a whole more year of the shit.
So it’s not simple - but I have read a lot of posts in my life on here, and yours really stuck in my brain. As if clearly did for others.

I can feel the panic in your texts, trying to mitigate the fallout, bracing yourself for his reaction when he gets home, he can control you when he’s not even there.

Just think about the peace you will have when you don’t have to answer to him.

This sounds very hard OP.

I posted earlier in the thread having missed some of your updates.

His behaviour is wholly unreasonable, and he has you walking on eggshells, and his behaviour takes advantage of your vulnerabilities. I would tell him to stuff a toilet brush up his arse if he spoke to me the way he speaks to you, but it isn't your fault that you feel outfaced by him, and it isn't your fault that he behaves like this.

Who the hell does he think he is?

It is hard leaving if you don't have RL support.

Why do you not trust your family? Would they not be on your side? I know some of these controlling men get the family onside - highly manipulative.

I wonder if you could have some counselling sessions over Zoom?

Sorry op I did comment earlier as I didn't think those text messages were bad on their own, but with other people updating on the other threads his behaviour is terrible.
I totally understand how you feel it's so difficult to leave him, it takes time to come to terms with the enormity of the situation but you can do it.

I had a therapist arranged for the start of the year but unfortunately due to covid was cancelled.

@Letmeoutmycage I imagine every therapist is also doing sessions via video. I had loads last year and it works fine. Go for it.

do online therapy, anything is better than nothing

@Letmeoutmycage

Sorry for taking to long to reply, I have read every reply.

Truthfully I want to leave him, someone had mentioned earlier on “what do you want from this post? Do you want approval that you can leave this relationship? And I think this is what I need.

I have nobody I can talk to in real life, I have friends and family but nobody I trust enough, so I only have online help. I had a therapist arranged for the start of the year but unfortunately due to covid was cancelled.

I have got it in my head that I need to leave him for my sanity at the very least, I need more courage to do it. I’m late twenties and have been with him since I was 18, he has been my only serious partner and I’ve never lived on my own etc.

I know it’s very easy to say, come on leave him what are you waiting for.. but I am trying. I have been looking up house prices and wondering what I can afford, I have looked at how much child maintenance money he will be due me, I really am trying.

Make a list, I know ironic but make a list of the things you want in your life, then don't think about them, just do them. If you think too much you'll talk yourself out of it. There's a solution for everything, be positive and make the changes now. Don't be focused on the negatives, don't say you can't do something, you can do whatever you put your mind to. You are walking on egg shells, you are worrying when he comes home, you are worrying about things not looking right, this is seriously messing with your head, it's time you put yourself first and do what's right for you. I get it takes a few times to get that courage to leave, you have to understand that when we as outsiders keep reading the same bullying from him, we're wondering why you have stayed, sometimes we have to just stand up say enough is enough, I wasn't brought into this world to be treated like crap from from bully and make those changes.

There are lots of on line therapists, perhaps Woman's Aid can point you in the direct of some?

@ALittleBitConfused1

I'm probably missing a back story here as I can't really see a problem with the messages. The jobs you mention I do weekly, except cleaning the oven, I don't do that every month, I mean it's clean but not a proper clean, shelves out etc Tbh if I worked away for weeks on end and came home to sheets that hadn't been cleaned I'd be irritable too.

Yes you've definitely missed a back story and what you have posted is very unhelpful to the op. You've now joined the husband as a voice in her head saying that she's not working hard enough, not good enough, not up to his standards.

The op is in an abusive. controlling relationship and no one should be treated like the op.

I can only imagine how much courage it would take to leave a situation like this when it's all you've known for a decade. My guess is that it will be a slow process, but really hope you can extricate yourself from this set up. It will break you, if it hasn't already. You are not overreacting at all.

And you're only late twenties! You have so much ahead of you to look forward too.

@Colourmeclear

It's a bit of a red herring to look solely at the text messages. Abusive people don't have to shout and swear to instil fear. They can say something really normal but the victim knows what that really means. My ex would say "would you mind cleaning the fish tank?" Sounds fine but what he really meant was, if that fish tank isn't spotless when I come home then I will blow up at you. I'm asking but I'm not asking.

THIS.

I remember the last thread. OP is already on pins waiting his response. She is now looking for hidden meanings in his message after putting it out there the house wasn’t up to his standard.

I’d bet within minutes of entering the house he is cleaning making OP feel uncomfortable.

OP I hope your ok.

I was also going to say I recognise this. Obviously you know him better than strangers online. But I'm not sure if this is actually ocd. Just getting a bit stressed when things aren't clean in a way you like isn't really what it is.

It could be another mental health issue. I have ongoing, normally well managed anxiety and depression. I can get really stressed about domestic stuff.

You're totally right, you shouldn't have to live like this. Realising it is the first step. One positive is that he's away a lot so you're used to managing by yourself. Start planning.

If you're looking to address the issues and build back your self esteem look at the Freedom Project, Why does he do that, Women's aid and online therapy. Also look at the turn2us online benefits calculator to see if you would be potentially be due any support.

I'll come back and post links if I can later.

Nothing happened when he came home, I had cleaned the house spotless like he asked so no problems.

Just clean the house spotless this time then, and the next, and the next....

We know the house isn't a tip OP because as soon as we read your post we remembered you from last time. And if I recall, that wasn't the first time.

The easiest thing to do is to go back to that thread and reread all the advice. It's not going to be any different this time.

I remember you posting from before.

In this case your the problem, not him. The message clearly states he will deal with it when he gets home.

The problem is you need him to validate you for some reason??? Why’s that?

Your a grown women, act like it.

@Whitecup4

I remember you posting from before.

In this case your the problem, not him. The message clearly states he will deal with it when he gets home.

The problem is you need him to validate you for some reason??? Why’s that?

Your a grown women, act like it.

You have got to be a troll seriously! Look at the bigger picture this woman is being mentally abused...if she doesn't have the house spic and span to his standards he's petty and off with her it's ridiculous!

Op do not listen to people like this you are not the problem at all he is! I'm guessing these kind of responses are from women who happily chose to be housewife's therefore it's their sole job to keep very clean houses etc without having to work ft!