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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being over sensitive? I think I probably am. *text messages attached*

197 replies

Letmeoutmycage · 23/01/2021 21:52

Back story, husband has OCD and everything has to be clean and immaculate (he also cleans it’s not just me). He works away for months at a time (sometimes) and every time he's due to come home I spend days cleaning the house top to bottom so it’s sparkling.

I’m looking for opinions on these messages

I guess what I was wanting out of the conversation was for him to tell me not to worry about cleaning, and that it’s not a priority but that never came across to me in the messages.

I’m probably being over sensitive.. also I apologise for the Scottish slang Grin

I have also blanked out everything else in black that wasn’t about the cleaning.

Am I being over sensitive? I think I probably am. *text messages attached*
Am I being over sensitive? I think I probably am. *text messages attached*
OP posts:
Colourmeclear · 24/01/2021 08:30

It's a bit of a red herring to look solely at the text messages. Abusive people don't have to shout and swear to instil fear. They can say something really normal but the victim knows what that really means. My ex would say "would you mind cleaning the fish tank?" Sounds fine but what he really meant was, if that fish tank isn't spotless when I come home then I will blow up at you. I'm asking but I'm not asking.

DonLewis · 24/01/2021 08:30

Ah, op, so nothing has changed then? I remember your previous threads.

You do know you have the power to change things and you don't have to live like this? You could live on your own, with the kids. It's a real possibility. You wouldn't go through this every time he's due home and I bet you'd enjoy life loads more, not having his reaction hanging over you.

fuzzymoon · 24/01/2021 08:39

He sounds controlling rather than OCD. Perhaps you should look into that as an option

Shoxfordian · 24/01/2021 08:42

Are you his wife or his housekeeper? This isn’t remotely ok

He’s jumped on the ocd suggestion as an excuse for his controlling behaviour so he doesn’t have to take any criticism or blame for it because it’s his ocd

Is he controlling in other ways as well?

harknesswitch · 24/01/2021 08:45

I remember a thread about something similar about 4/6 months ago

However those messages seem ok, I don't get any underlying tone, he's said he'll sort it when he gets home and his 'what will be, will be' comment I'd take as 'don't worry about it'

Bagelsandbrie · 24/01/2021 08:45

Can’t imagine a world where I texted my dh about cleaning. Neither of us worry about it except that I do as much as I can - I’m a sahm, he works full time. He never comments on what I have or haven’t done and if he did I’d be mega annoyed - I don’t tell him how to do his job so he shouldn’t comment on mine!

harknesswitch · 24/01/2021 08:50

Oh and OCD isn't about cleanliness or 'pencils in a row', people with OCD behave in a certain way due to extreme anxiety, they like things a certain way because it's a form of control over their environment as they feel 'out of control' the cleanliness is just a byproduct. OCD cleaners are the sort that will bleach everything 10x a day to the extent of everything else, raw hands and 15 hr cleaning sessions.

By the sounds of things his cleanliness is just one of his human 'quirks' the same as some people like the telly volume on an even number.

JohnBarron · 24/01/2021 08:53

So nothing has changed then, what are you hoping for? The only person who can change anything is you.

MarjoryMinor · 24/01/2021 08:55

My partner has diagnosed OCD. He would never dream of demanding that I clean or tidy to a certain standard. That is controlling behaviour not OCD.

samanthawashington · 24/01/2021 08:56

He is being a total shit. Sarcastic and dismissive come to mind. How dare he show so little understanding of how difficult life has been for everyone and you in particular and impose his ridiculous standards on you. If he wants immaculate then he can do it himself. Normal cleaning and normal tidiness is reasonable, this is not.

I doubt also that this is a healthy environment for you children if they are not allowed to make usual kiddie mess when they are playing?

samanthawashington · 24/01/2021 08:58

Personally I could not live under this tyranny

suggestionsplease1 · 24/01/2021 09:04

The messages sound find to me. He's offered multiple opportunities to end that part of the conversation, but you didn't take them up, so from that exchange it looks like you're the one with more of the issue.

If there's a backstory I guess that's another question but on the face of what is going on there if you don't want it to be an issue I would take him up on the multiple opportunities he has given rather than keeping on bringing back the focus to the cleaning.

saraclara · 24/01/2021 09:10

He’s saying he prefers to be made aware before he gets back.
It’s better to know so he is prepared and as he does have issues with things being clean OP knew he would want to know beforehand what it’s going to be like.

That's how I read it too. I got the impression that after last time, he's tried to sound more understanding. 'Don't worry I'll do it, thanks for warning me' is the tone I get.

But that's the problem with messaging of course..we have no tone of voice, facial expressing or body language to go along with it. I think doing posted are inserting a tone that they want to hear, though. I don't see the sarkiness at all though.

RandomMess · 24/01/2021 09:11

I can't believe you're still with him. He treats you like a skivvy and makes you stressed and miserable 🤷🏽‍♀️

user86386427 · 24/01/2021 09:14

OP you've posted about him at least twice before, you've been told he's unreasonable and that you need to get to the bottom of it, I'm not married to your DH but I knew he wasn't going to reassure you not to clean just from the previous two threads so why were you expecting him to?!!! As it happens I didn't see much of an issue with the text, he said he would sort 🤷‍♀️ let him crack on, but you need to tell him if the availability and enthusiasm for your own cleaning isn't enough he needs to pay for a cleaner, this really doesn't need to go on and on.

Cheeeeislifenow · 24/01/2021 09:28

Also, even if he is "sorting the cleaning" when he comes home. That's also insinuating op doesn't do enough. I can imagine him making everyone uncomfortable whilst he complains about the "mess". Making op feel like she is not good enough. Anyone else would just be looking forward to coming home and seeing their family after so many weeks away.

3rdNamechange · 24/01/2021 09:30

You're over sensitive because he's made you a nervous wreck , worrying about cleaning every time he's due home.
I couldn't live like that.
Sorry.

Unanananana · 24/01/2021 09:33

I cannot understand why you are still with him. The fact that so many posters remember who you are should emphasise how abnormal his behaviour towards you is. You were told then that it was not good for you or your children to be under this control. You husband may have OCD, but thats not a reason for him to control you. Pick up your self respect and think about what your children are learning about relationships from this. Unbelievable.

knittingaddict · 24/01/2021 09:38

I'm fairly sure that I posted on your previous thread op.

Like others on here I recognise the dynamics and undercurrent on those messages. My ex sil was controlling and abusive and apparently claimed to have ocd. It's a rare form of ocd where you give your wife lists of cleaning jobs to do, don't allow her to load the fridge because she does it "wrong" and every cupboard has to organised in a particular way. Yet you can take your own clothes off at the end of the day and drop them on the floor and not pick up the towel when you've used it. Strange that.

My daughter would be scrabbling around trying to tidy and clean before he got home every day. Basically he was an abusive, controlling arsehole and she's well rid.

Oh and he was never diagnosed with ocd by any medical professional.
If you ever study domestic abuse you will see that so called ocd is a common factor in many people like this. People with ocd aren't abusive, but abusive people frequently claim to have ocd.

I'm sure on my previous advice I would have said to contact women's aid and get the help you need. That advice still stands.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 24/01/2021 09:39

He said ‘it is what it is’, and says he will make time to do the things that are important to him, and you go on and in, apologising, explaining, justifying, excusing.

Why?

He has OCD, he agreed to take responsibility for meeting his own needs, you have taken responsibility for keeping the household going, you don’t need his validation.

knittingaddict · 24/01/2021 09:43

@harknesswitch

I remember a thread about something similar about 4/6 months ago

However those messages seem ok, I don't get any underlying tone, he's said he'll sort it when he gets home and his 'what will be, will be' comment I'd take as 'don't worry about it'

Unless you've experienced this it is easy to miss the subtext. It's the drip, drip, drip of things that put you down, make you feel bad about yourself for no good reason and wreck your self esteem.

My daughter still has screen shots of messages similar to this and it formed part of the evidence that went to the cps. He was never prosecuted in the end, but that's a whole other story. Despite being illegal, coercive control is incredibly hard to prove in court.

BeakyWinder · 24/01/2021 09:45

It reads as very patronising to me, I can almost hear the big sigh before each reply. "The silly woman can't even clean properly, so go on, tell me how much cleaning I'm going to have to do when I get back, because you failed to do it"

knittingaddict · 24/01/2021 09:51

Exactly BeakyWinder. I'm surprised others aren't seeing it. I've been married 35 years and literally never had a message from my husband about cleaning or from me addressing my failure to clean.

RealisticSketch · 24/01/2021 09:54

I think your user name is very apt op. 😔

RUOKHon · 24/01/2021 09:58

I know the atmosphere of the arrival of a seriously OCD parent and it's horrible

It’s not OCD, it’s controlling.

Insisting the house is immaculate at all times and issuing punishment if it’s not is a sign of coercive control.