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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bathroom door

296 replies

PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 11:59

Just had a very odd and disturbing situation unfold out of nowhere. Dd is now 10 and although I have always gone to the toilet and showered etc with the bathroom door open / unlocked I am getting to the point where I feel we need to reinstate privacy. We had dd when we had only been together a couple of years so I don't think I ever locked the door before as it was all new and I'm not that bothered. However recently maybe because of lockdown and constant people everywhere, I feel the need for more privacy.

Anyway, just had a bit of an upset tummy related to period and was cleaning self up and washing menstrual cup in the sink by the door and dp asks me to open it as he needed his deodorant which was right by the door. I said hang on a minute, and he said no, open the door. I was washing my cup and knickers and just didn't want him in there right at that moment and didn't want to touch the lock as I had blood on my hands. He just started shouting 'open the door, why aren't you opening it?' I keep saying 'just hang on a minute' and he just got so so cross.

I eventually opened it and said that I was sorting period stuff and he said he didn't care and I should have opened it.

I'm reeling. This is not about the deodorant is it? This seems really controlling to me. He is a bit controlling but I think it's anxiety, but this makes me want to insist the door is locked every time I'm in there now.

How dare he? He is always asking what dd is doing upstairs too. She is going to be needing increasing privacy soon too and I want to now be firm on boundaries.

How do I handle this? Was it just because he was surprised as I've never locked it or is this something else?

Feel quite upset

OP posts:
SabrinaMorningstar · 23/01/2021 17:37

Maybe start a different thread for support OP. One without so many toilet references. It makes it less interesting for the trolls.

sickofit39 · 23/01/2021 17:37

Does he think you were on your phone in there ? Is he paranoid

Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 17:43

@youvegottenminuteslynn wow that's a really lovely and motivational way to think about it

OP posts:
Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 17:44

@MeridianB i suppose there are ways, maybe. I just don't want to be the source of more damage

OP posts:
Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 17:44

@murasaki I would love that level of communication and respect

OP posts:
Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 17:46

@SanFranBear oh yes definitely. The little bits and pieces all add up, especially when trying to apply for jobs and getting some commitment from him re childcare rather than obstructive behaviour. Loads of things over the years

OP posts:
Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 17:46

@SabrinaMorningstar yes I may well do that in a little while

OP posts:
Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 17:48

@sickofit39 I don't know. He doesn't check my phone or anything, I know that 100%, he is trusting of me in that sense. It's never ever ever about other men, never a mention of that

OP posts:
rainbowlou · 23/01/2021 17:48

He sounds just like my ex, I wish I’d been as strong as you at the time.
By the time I left my hair was dyed and short, I’d stopped wearing make up, he ‘kept’ my phone when I went to the bathroom and like you questioned why it was ever locked.
I could write an essay on how things escalated!
Please look after yourself x

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 23/01/2021 17:49

Oh Op.

You get one life. One go at it. I'm glad you are taking charge of your happiness. No one should live like this.

You must set boundaries so your DD has a good example.

Good luck!

WitchesNest · 23/01/2021 17:51

This is an incredibly familiar thread......

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/01/2021 17:52

What was he like pre lockdown if you had evenings out with friends? Sulky?

What obstacles did he create to stop the learning / career stuff you mentioned?

Arobase · 23/01/2021 17:54

If you have always had an unlocked door policy, and then suddenly lock the door without explanation, I can see why he was asking you to open it
Instead of being deliberately vague and just saying ‘hang on’ why didn’t you say you are in the middle of something?

@LochJessMonster, how hard is it to work out that if someone is in the bathroom and unable to come to the door immediately, they might be in the middle of something? If he didn't understand why she was locking the door, all he had to do was hang on for a short time as requested and they could have had a normal conversation about it. Instead of which he started demanding to come in, made an epic issue of it, and then went out in a sulk. How is any of that a sensible adult way to deal with anything?

SabrinaMorningstar · 23/01/2021 17:58

@WitchesNest

This is an incredibly familiar thread......
That's what I thought too. But OP seems to be having all these revelations in real time today/tonight so presumably the other thread like this, wasn't OP?
sadie9 · 23/01/2021 18:03

You never locked the door because he trained you to be 'available'.
There's a part of him that thinks he owns yourself and DD and that the two of you are possessions.
Look up co-dependency. It's a learned pattern of responding. Men who have high needs for attention are attracted to women with who put their own needs aside.
These types of women happily give all the space to the man. He is the important one. His wishes and needs are to be pre-empted and his uncomfortable feelings need to be soothed. You probably got it from your mother doing the same lark.
The woman has put all her needs aside. She doesn't even know what they are any more.
She spends a lot of time worrying about other people's affairs (esp DHs). If he's stressed, she's stressed. If he's happy, she's happy.
She goes along with his decisions without even noticing.
If she makes a suggestion and there is a whiff of disapproval from DH, she will actually believe she changed her mind about it and it wasn't a great idea come to think of it. (I know because I was that woman)
eg. you might say 'I was thinking to put a shelf up over there'.
DH (silence)
Woman repeats the sentence thinking he didn't hear. He did hear, he just chose to exert control by not replying.
DH says 'you'd have to be careful about drilling into that wall'
Woman says 'anyway it wouldn't match the other side come to think of it'. She doesn't even notice she's changed her mind to suit his opposition to her idea.

Arobase · 23/01/2021 18:04

It’s not controlling to question a sudden change in the house. It’s not controlling to discuss a change in the house

But it is controlling to shout about it and demand that someone in the middle of something in the bathroom immediately drop everything to reverse the change, @LochJessMonster. And OP's husband didn't want to discuss it, he wanted to stop it happening.

Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 18:05

@rainbowlou I will, thank you. Only thing so far is he doesn't like my lip piercing and wouldn't want me to get any more tattoos (I only have 2 small ones) but ignore him

OP posts:
Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 18:06

@mumsiedarlingrevolta this is now my mission

OP posts:
Arobase · 23/01/2021 18:06

His family are high achievers and always as when I'm getting a better job etc and I'd love to say - 5 years ago if I'd been allowed to!

So why don't you, OP? Is your husband insisting you lie to his family about what he does to stop you?

Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 18:07

@youvegottenminuteslynn yes sulky and made comments like 'mummy is abandoning us' but was ok when I got back and didn't pester when I was out. My friends are formidable women and I don't think he dares cross them or for their husbands to find out he was so needy

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 23/01/2021 18:08

@PandemicPalava

When DS was young, we never bothered with locked doors but once he got bolder a lock went on for his security.

You need to lock the door every time and say that of door is shut, he and anyone else has to WAIT.

ktp100 · 23/01/2021 18:08

You need to tell him immediately that he is being unreasonable and controlling and that when you're washing out a messy moon cup you will not open the door with bloody fingers and he needs to 100% accept that, not just with you but with your daughter in years to come.

I would also tell him that although you have sympathy for his current anxiety you will not allow him to take his frustrations out on you or the kids or make life worse for the rest of you as you are all also having a rough time with lockdown etc at the moment.

Set your stall out, OP. He won't like it but you do need to let him know what you will and won't accept and his behaviour here was utterly wrong.

Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 18:08

@SabrinaMorningstar other thread?! Wasn't me!

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 23/01/2021 18:08

Older not bolder

Absolutelunacy · 23/01/2021 18:10

Ex used to open the lock from the outside if he thought I’d been in there too long or if he wanted to see what I was doing. It just got to the point I didn’t use the bathroom unless I really had to and washing/showering was only done when I knew he’d left the house

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