Bathroom door

[PandemicPalava]

Just had a very odd and disturbing situation unfold out of nowhere. Dd is now 10 and although I have always gone to the toilet and showered etc with the bathroom door open / unlocked I am getting to the point where I feel we need to reinstate privacy. We had dd when we had only been together a couple of years so I don't think I ever locked the door before as it was all new and I'm not that bothered. However recently maybe because of lockdown and constant people everywhere, I feel the need for more privacy.

Anyway, just had a bit of an upset tummy related to period and was cleaning self up and washing menstrual cup in the sink by the door and dp asks me to open it as he needed his deodorant which was right by the door. I said hang on a minute, and he said no, open the door. I was washing my cup and knickers and just didn't want him in there right at that moment and didn't want to touch the lock as I had blood on my hands. He just started shouting 'open the door, why aren't you opening it?' I keep saying 'just hang on a minute' and he just got so so cross.

I eventually opened it and said that I was sorting period stuff and he said he didn't care and I should have opened it.

I'm reeling. This is not about the deodorant is it? This seems really controlling to me. He is a bit controlling but I think it's anxiety, but this makes me want to insist the door is locked every time I'm in there now.

How dare he? He is always asking what dd is doing upstairs too. She is going to be needing increasing privacy soon too and I want to now be firm on boundaries.

How do I handle this? Was it just because he was surprised as I've never locked it or is this something else?

Feel quite upset

@Santaiscovidfree oh shit that's horrendous! So pleased you're out of it

*Fs I dont know where to even begin correcting the mistakes in that xD

@1forAll74 I think he does have big problems. I don't know what will happen but I do feel safe physically if not mentally

@wizzywig

What? Maybe he thinks it's odd that you need to hide away to wash your period things?

Does that really sound like what happened? Do you really think it's odd that a woman would want privacy in the bathroom?

@Wanderlusto yes I am worried this won't go away but I hope it will. He has backed down before, but it crept back in. He knows I am tougher than him

This reminds me of my ex. He started shouting and swearing because I locked the bathroom door. I stopped locking it and then he started inviting himself into my shower. I'd lost all energy for an argument and just let it happen. Nothing was mine anymore.

It might feel like an argument over a relatively small thing but it's probably symbolic of something much bigger. It's not too much to ask that your privacy is respected.

@Colourmeclear it is symbolic of something much bigger and it needs to stop. I find it hard that his family must think I'm useless and unnecessarily anxious but I can't tell them why

Even if the behaviour goes away op, do you really want to be with someone like him? I mean it's basically psychopath territory wanting to see ppl miserable.

The behaviour is not the problem. The person is.

And he knows you are strong (I'm sure he likes the challenge of bringing down a strong woman) but your behaviour in staying, consistently shows him you are - not strong enough. If you were stronger than him you wouldnt be hanging around to play his little mind game in the first place. He is counting on you making excuses for him and he is counting on you being too afraid to start afresh without him. And he is winning.

@Wanderlusto you may well be right, much food for thought. Admitting that to myself is a bit too raw for me right now though. I am also scared of being a single parent and co parenting with him as I think his behaviour would be multitudes worse

Often it is the small things which make you realise that things are not right. You may be safe physically but emotional abuse is insidious and just as dangerous.

Do you really wanted your DD to think his behaviour is normal or acceptable?

he loves my discomfort. I've actually seen him look pained when I am happy if he isn't
Yet you want to stay with someone who is happy when you miserable!

He knows I am tougher than him

another reason for him to need to knock you down and control you.
You said you'd just completed a degree. Assuming this means new career and increased earnings, he won't like that either. Won't like that you don't NEED him.

You should be worried about your DD. Teens push boundaries and how will he treat her when he loses that control.
Don't wait til it's her changing her sanitary towel and him banging on the door telling her to open in now before you realise how much damage he is doing.

Anxiety doesn't make a man tell a woman to open the door now for some fucking deodorant.

@PandemicPalava

As contrary as it is, I'm going to lock it. I need form boundaries and this shouldn't be an issue.

He also doesn't like it when I go upstairs to read. It's like me without him doesn't exist

It's like me without him doesn't exist.

Wow. That hits. And it sounds suffocating.

We all need both space and boundaries. I wonder if as well as continuing to lock the bathroom door, you can have a conversation with him about how important those things are to you and the impact it has on you when he ignores those needs.

If your DD had a partner treating her like that how would you feel?

@RandomMess no and I challenged him on it straight away and made sure she heard me

@Whatsnewpussyhat he's already tried to put obstacles in the way of my career plans and then the pandemic so that's on hold for now.

I constantly worry about what teenage dd and dp will be like

@VillaMia yes I think that's a good idea and explain about dd needing privacy and boundaries too

@RandomMess I'd be furious. That's what's sad, I would beg her to leave

He sounds like a nasty controlling bully and you are slowly starting to realise this. Sorry not rtft but my dh would never, ever demand I open the bathroom door. He has no respect for you at all. Next time shout “I’m cleaning out my fucking men trial cup SO FUCK OFF!” Stand up for yourself.

menstrual not men trial

You need to leave him. You know that though.

This reminds me of my ex. He started shouting and swearing because I locked the bathroom door. I stopped locking it and then he started inviting himself into my shower. I'd lost all energy for an argument and just let it happen. Nothing was mine anymore.

This makes my skin crawl - it’s like sleeping with the enemy!

@Robbybobtail yes maybe a blunt approach is needed!

At least you only have to see him like 1% of what you currently see him if you split up. So he may let his full bastarditis show once he is gone but you'll get freedom from him in your own home (and mind). And as others have mentioned, your little one will see that women should not tolerate abuse.

Think on it and see how you feel but I have a feeling a point will come where it'll click that you just cant stay with him, like that it just isn't on.

I dont know how itll play out exactly if you leave him but I do know that if you don't, you'll spend your whole life walking on eggshells, feeling suffocated and miserable and like you're going mad. And your child will see you suffer like this.

You need to end it.

Get your ducks in a row and do not let on.

He is already treating you badly DD already thinks his bad behaviour is normal and acceptable