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Original poster

Bathroom door

296 replies

PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 11:59

Just had a very odd and disturbing situation unfold out of nowhere. Dd is now 10 and although I have always gone to the toilet and showered etc with the bathroom door open / unlocked I am getting to the point where I feel we need to reinstate privacy. We had dd when we had only been together a couple of years so I don't think I ever locked the door before as it was all new and I'm not that bothered. However recently maybe because of lockdown and constant people everywhere, I feel the need for more privacy.

Anyway, just had a bit of an upset tummy related to period and was cleaning self up and washing menstrual cup in the sink by the door and dp asks me to open it as he needed his deodorant which was right by the door. I said hang on a minute, and he said no, open the door. I was washing my cup and knickers and just didn't want him in there right at that moment and didn't want to touch the lock as I had blood on my hands. He just started shouting 'open the door, why aren't you opening it?' I keep saying 'just hang on a minute' and he just got so so cross.

I eventually opened it and said that I was sorting period stuff and he said he didn't care and I should have opened it.

I'm reeling. This is not about the deodorant is it? This seems really controlling to me. He is a bit controlling but I think it's anxiety, but this makes me want to insist the door is locked every time I'm in there now.

How dare he? He is always asking what dd is doing upstairs too. She is going to be needing increasing privacy soon too and I want to now be firm on boundaries.

How do I handle this? Was it just because he was surprised as I've never locked it or is this something else?

Feel quite upset

OP posts:
Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 18:10

@Arobase he doesn't insist but he would deny and it's small things. For example, I wanted to apply for a job which was two long days instead of four short days. I asked him if he could commit to picking up dd from school on those two days. He is self-employed and I know he has the flexibility to do so. He said he couldn't possibly know in advance what he was doing on those days. I tried to explain to him that as he is self-employed he can decide in advance what he's doing on those days but he wouldn't have it

OP posts:
Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 18:11

@ktp100 yes I do, thank you. He won't like it but it must stick

OP posts:
WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 23/01/2021 18:14

@Santaiscovidfree

My exh once commented during attempted meditation he felt pushed out by my periods as I didn't ever ask him to change a tampon. Vile just fucking vile. He was abusive in other ways and it struck a chord and memories reading your thread... The look on the mediator's face was one to be remembered.. Sorry if tmi.
He said WHAT?

Your mediator did well well not to laugh at him, I couldn't have shown the same restraint!!

Glad he's your EX!!

Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 18:14

I asked him about it...

'Why did you get so angry with me when I locked the door earlier?'

'Because I wanted my deodorant and you had locked the door.'

'But I was washing my moon cup. I know you didn't know that at the time but I did say I would only be a minute and it wasn't an emergency. If you'd been absolutely desperate for the toilet I would have let you in.'

'I only wanted to put my hand around the corner of the door to get it.'

'I had blood on my hands I couldn't unlock the door.'

'Yes you've already said that no need to tell me again.'

Then took the dog out...

Well.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 23/01/2021 18:15

I hope he listens and realises how crazy he is being. My dh would not walk in on my dd. We don’t lock doors tbh. Dh shuts the door. He has never accepted being walked in on while doing a poo. Dd and I tend not to walk in on each other on the loo so much these days. I’m talking about the loo off the kitchen and we don’t shut the door btw. She’s 12 and is definitely wanting more privacy now, something, which happened pretty recently and quickly. I’ve definitely noticed it more in this last lockdown. She uses washable period pants from modibodi for her periods as she prefers them. But I think they’re probably good from a dignity POV so maybe something to consider when you get to that point with your dd. Very expensive though...

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/01/2021 18:19

[quote PandemicPalava]@youvegottenminuteslynn yes sulky and made comments like 'mummy is abandoning us' but was ok when I got back and didn't pester when I was out. My friends are formidable women and I don't think he dares cross them or for their husbands to find out he was so needy [/quote]
"mummy is abandoning us"

He would say that to your child when you went out?!

Fuck me. He's a nasty prick, he really is.

Please consider leaving, as I said she is being set up for unhealthy relationships by the relationship dynamic behaviour you are both presenting as normal.

As a basic example, with that phrase he's basically telling a little girl that it is a mummy's job to be at home and that her seeing friends is abandoning her duties which are to be a mum and wife, not a whole person.

Please don't waste your life and damage hers for any longer Thanks

CherryBlossomTree7 · 23/01/2021 18:19

His behaviour is not acceptable.

You're entitled to privacy from your partner and you know this.

Extremely controlling behaviour to not trust you and demand to barge in on you.

LizFlowers · 23/01/2021 18:19

Your husband should have been more sensitive, it wouldn't have hurt him to wait a minute or two. In future, put a can of his deodorant in the bedroom.

Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 18:21

@Mummyoflittledragon dd likes the idea of period pants too although I don't know how she would change them at school

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/01/2021 18:21

What a misogynistic prick. You are there to serve his needs... childcare, wifework, alway there for him as and when he demands it!

ScabbyHorse · 23/01/2021 18:21

Sounds like my ex. He kicked the door in when I wouldn't unlock it. He also went to boarding school because his parents couldn't cope with him. Very controlling and I didn't realise for a while.

Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 18:22

@youvegottenminuteslynn when you put it like that it's awful isn't it? What a message to be condoning

OP posts:
Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 18:22

@LizFlowers great idea!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/01/2021 18:23

The blinders have come off, don't allow yourself to put them back on. I predict you will not be looking at this relationship in the same way ever again.

I take it he didn't apologise for being such a prick.

InFiveMins · 23/01/2021 18:23

The more you let him get away with this kind of behaviour the more he will do it.

Tell him, firmly, not to ever fucking disturb you when you're in the bathroom again, unless in an emergency. Don't apologise, don't pacify him - if he goes into a huff, make sure you let him know how much of a baby he's being and how unattractive it is, and then start seriously considering if you really want to be with this man child.

Honestly, him storming out in a huff over a deodorant stick is pathetic.

Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 18:23

@ScabbyHorse I wonder what effect boarding school has on them when their family can't cope

OP posts:
Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 18:23

@Aquamarine1029 no apology, there never is

OP posts:
WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 23/01/2021 18:25

@PandemicPalava

You're in this situation partly/largely because of the way you grew up. I know you want better for your DD. That's more important any than dancing classes.

She's already 10, by the time his application to court for contact time gets heard she'll be old enough to say what she wants & to be listened to.

It's FAR more damaging to her to be living with him & absorbing the 101 ways you're beaten down by him & from an outsiders perspective it's becoming very clear that you are.

You BOTH need to not be living like this.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/01/2021 18:25

@PandemicPalava

Thank you, I will not get sucked in.

I think it will become a game. He will lock it and as we have one bathroom make me wet myself as he will stay in there so long needing his privacy

Of he's this controlling and immature o think you need to consider your longer term prospects
Snorkers · 23/01/2021 18:26

He sounds like an utter prick. If my husband dared behave like this he would be told in crystal clear terms that if he ever, ever demanded anything like that again he would be moving out and we would be divorcing. I'm do angry for you. Do NOT put up with this fucking disgusting controlling behaviour. You, everyone, deserves better !

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/01/2021 18:27

[quote WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]@PandemicPalava

You're in this situation partly/largely because of the way you grew up. I know you want better for your DD. That's more important any than dancing classes.

She's already 10, by the time his application to court for contact time gets heard she'll be old enough to say what she wants & to be listened to.

It's FAR more damaging to her to be living with him & absorbing the 101 ways you're beaten down by him & from an outsiders perspective it's becoming very clear that you are.

You BOTH need to not be living like this.[/quote]
This. Her dancing is no reason to stay in an environment that is setting her up to be in unhealthy relationships like this. It's awful because you're the victim of a horrible man but you are also an adult with choices. She is a child with none. She can't leave. You can, with her. His attitude to you is what she thinks is the normal, acceptable attitude of any man to a female partner. It's very damaging.

oakleaffy · 23/01/2021 18:34

In most homes, the Bathroom is the last bastion of privacy there is.

In houses where there is just one bathroom, it can be a pain, but doesn't Everyone escape to the bathroom for some peace?

Having someone dancing outside desperate for a wee is annoying, which is why so many homes now have a bathroom for each person.
That would be BLISS.

Arobase · 23/01/2021 18:41

[quote PandemicPalava]@Aquamarine1029 no apology, there never is [/quote]
How about pushing for it? "You were really rude when you demanded to come into the bathroom earlier and shouted, you could have waited, and you know I was upset about it. Have you thought about saying sorry?"

Nanny0gg · 23/01/2021 18:45

[quote PandemicPalava]@pog100 nope not at all, I need to step up for the women in the house now, no more of this. He's only got away with it for so long as it's easier and I feel broken [/quote]
What privacy does your DD have now?

Do either of you knock or call out before you go in her room?

AcornAutumn · 23/01/2021 18:46

Witches "It's FAR more damaging to her to be living with him & absorbing the 101 ways you're beaten down by him & from an outsiders perspective it's becoming very clear that you are.

You BOTH need to not be living like this."

Yes. I'd be happier for DC not to be in touch with someone like this.

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