Bathroom door

[PandemicPalava]

Just had a very odd and disturbing situation unfold out of nowhere. Dd is now 10 and although I have always gone to the toilet and showered etc with the bathroom door open / unlocked I am getting to the point where I feel we need to reinstate privacy. We had dd when we had only been together a couple of years so I don't think I ever locked the door before as it was all new and I'm not that bothered. However recently maybe because of lockdown and constant people everywhere, I feel the need for more privacy.

Anyway, just had a bit of an upset tummy related to period and was cleaning self up and washing menstrual cup in the sink by the door and dp asks me to open it as he needed his deodorant which was right by the door. I said hang on a minute, and he said no, open the door. I was washing my cup and knickers and just didn't want him in there right at that moment and didn't want to touch the lock as I had blood on my hands. He just started shouting 'open the door, why aren't you opening it?' I keep saying 'just hang on a minute' and he just got so so cross.

I eventually opened it and said that I was sorting period stuff and he said he didn't care and I should have opened it.

I'm reeling. This is not about the deodorant is it? This seems really controlling to me. He is a bit controlling but I think it's anxiety, but this makes me want to insist the door is locked every time I'm in there now.

How dare he? He is always asking what dd is doing upstairs too. She is going to be needing increasing privacy soon too and I want to now be firm on boundaries.

How do I handle this? Was it just because he was surprised as I've never locked it or is this something else?

Feel quite upset

@PandemicPalava how are you and how is the situation?

@PandemicPalava

I'm hoping you've had a chance to think about what happened, and the replies you've had which have helped drop the scales from your eyes.

It's always hard to see your life 'laid bare' and 'judged' by strangers, but try to remember that our replies are meant to give you both knowledge and courage.

I hope you seriously consider whether keeping your DD in dance class and doing your masters are going to cost you more than just time.......
another poster said it better, but surely your DD will be better off emotionally if she only has to spend 25% of her time with him, and 75% with you alone ( calm and happy) as opposed to 100% with him now, continually seeing him debase and abuse you (and you allowing it to continue).

I'm sure that you could still do both, but a little delayed, when you've left him (or kicked him out).

Just don't delay in making a decision, and making plans to carry out your decision.

As someone on the other side (I left my abusive ex in November thanks to Mumsnet giving me a lightbulb moment) I promise you there's a way out. You don't have to be treated like this and now youve started seeing things...you can't unsee it. I tried for months but you start noticing everything that you've assumed was normal. Please consider chatting with women's aid Xxx

How's it going now?

@gutful

I think the way you brought up the situation was confusing & indirect.

You kept justifying why you couldn’t open the door - due to having bloody hands

In reality it doesn’t matter why you didn’t want to open the door - you were having a private moment.

But you keep discussing it with him from the angle that you couldn’t open the door, not from the angle that you deserve & demand privacy.

Why can’t you be more assertive & day “when the bathroom door is locked I want privacy & it’s unreasonably & rude for you do try to invade my personal space. Don’t ask to do that again. I’m really annoyed at you for doing that. It’s creeped me out, I don’t want this open bathroom door policy any more. I worry you will invade our daughter’s space & be creepy / inappropriate with her

Why can’t you just SAY what the problem is? But it seems you can’t or won’t. You keep justifying how you had blood on your hands, but that is really besides the point.

People have a right to privacy & alone time.

That is the issue, not what you were doing in the toilet at the time.

So on some level am unsure how you expect him to understand & respect you when you aren’t actually even addressing the issue.

This. Exactly this.

OP, you are creeping around on eggshells all the time, aren't you? You have to phrase everything so that you beg him to try to accept that he is being utterly unreasonable rather than tell him what YOU consider reasonable and what YOU require.

You are in a controlling relationship. You have only just started to see that. In the next few weeks the scales will really fall from your eyes.

Absolutely disgusting and controlling behaviour on his part.

Morning all. Sorry I haven't been on here, it all just got a bit painful to read and I needed some head space. Honestly, since it happened I've talked to him and made a stand and things are really good. None of what I imagined would happen has happened. He has no issue with the door, now has his deodorant in the bedroom, never did apologise but his behaviour is a million times better.

I told him treating me like this was completely unacceptable and I would never ever accept it for me or dd.

Just to clarify, he is not a creepy type, I have no concerns over him being creepy with dd, and I spoke to him about her getting older and to leave her to it more. Stop asking her what she's up to etc and to stop doing it to me. Any time he makes a comment about it I shut it down and he gets the message.

He is under no illusions that this won't carry on. Dd is happy and although his grumpiness is still apparent, he realises now it is HIS not ours and we will not be manipulated by it.

I think the realisation that I am pandering to his 'suspected ADHD' and poor little boy of his childhood changed things for us. It has enabled me to look past my coping mechanisms and kick everything into touch.

I actually feel wonderful and like I've pulled some fire from somewhere. I know this won't resonate well with those of you who think I should leave and it isn't fixable but I can't quite explain how much realising there is no poor little boy at boarding school I am responsible for has helped me stand up and stop the habitual cycle we were in.

Onwards and upwards. Thank you for being honest everybody, it's shifted something inside of me

Thank you for updating, OP. Hope things stay good for you.

I did think this would turn out okay. Like I said before, he was being a man child. Glad it's good and hope it stays that way

Pandemic

Hmm so he will behave, well for now anyway, now that you have talked to him. He has not broken any cycle for him nor has he apologised. Such people really do not apologise nor accept any responsibility for his actions.

Never be afraid to post on here (preferably using the same user name) if things go south again. I will not say "told you so" if he starts acting out again.

I would put a fiver on it he does not have ADHD or anything else you may try and prescribe to him. He is not diagnosed and therefore you cannot assume this re him.

On a far wider level consider carefully what you are teaching your DD about relationships here. Also look at what you yourself learnt about these when you were growing up.

Glad you have turned the corner in terms of the balance of power here, hope things find a new normal for you.
When i read your original post i really understood as we have someone just like that in our house, as soon as you go into the toilet and shut the door or even leave the room there's wailing and stomping and it can't even wait for 5 seconds, and he doesn't listen when you explain you'll be out in a minute.

But he is 15 months old, so that's expected that toddlers don't have any emotional regulation!

@Bluetrews25 and @Gemma5225
thank you

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you, appreciate the response. I realise now my mock diagnosis was ridiculous, using it as a reason to let him carry on. I don't know why I didn't realise this before.

I am breaking the cycle whether he has or not and my abruptness is lovely. He asks where I am and why I'm doing things but it is clear he is not welcome to try and stop anything unless he has a genuine reason. He was fussing over Dd wandering about last night and said something and I said straight away, leave her alone, why does she need to sit down? He had no answer and said he didn't know why he feels then need to micro manage.

I feel things are on a better path and also supported by you all in case I'm not. Thank you

@johnd2 that made me laugh! Exactly this, it's man child behaviour and will not be tolerated any more

As far as I'm aware, having ADHD doesn't make you controlling or an asshole, and doesn't affect your empathy levels. Those are separate issues.

Living with an anxious person can be possible and suffocating. Some people are very good and proactive at managing it, but quite often, anxious people will do anything to alleviate their anxiety. They first try to control themselves, which means implementing a routine that makes them feel their have more control of their day. Then when that's not enough they start controlling their environment and everything in it which means you. Everything has to be a certain (their) way around the house, otherwise they're on edge. Sometimes they'll even try to control your routine. I speak from experience.

Can be *claustrophobic and suffocating.

@EarthSight I read that in adults or affects empathy and ability to plan, triggers can push behaviour, it's different to child ADHD. He is definitely dyslexic and he was absolutely out of control a a child with authority. He used to smash his room up etc. It all points to it but like I said, it's not up to me to figure that out. There is paperwork which says he has behavioural issues but as it was the 1980s it isn't clear. He never could learn in class or sit still, that's why he went away to give him a chance at a more extra curricular school.

The anxiety cycle resonates with me, you're right, that seems to be what he does. I also do that a bit but more with a routine as I'm quite anxious too.

Glad to read that you feeling upbeat and happier. Re the ADHD - anxiety can be associated with it. Also a need for stimulation, which could lead to wandering about, dropping in on what others are doing in a semi purpose-less manner. They are also less aware of other people's points of view. With my ADHD dd, I sometimes have to coach her on how to manage situations with other people and explain how they might be viewing it - works quite well. She just doesn't have the same instinct a neurotypical person has.

Interesting. I will looking into that. There might also be differences between ADD and ADHD.

If it's affecting you though it doesn't matter after a while if it's a condition or not. What does he do for a living?

@Amotherlife yes that's it exactly. There is no way I can get him to look into it though. He has so little real empathy I have to spell things out

@EarthSight he's a self employed handyman. He loves working alone and is brilliant with people he works for