Bathroom door

[PandemicPalava]

Just had a very odd and disturbing situation unfold out of nowhere. Dd is now 10 and although I have always gone to the toilet and showered etc with the bathroom door open / unlocked I am getting to the point where I feel we need to reinstate privacy. We had dd when we had only been together a couple of years so I don't think I ever locked the door before as it was all new and I'm not that bothered. However recently maybe because of lockdown and constant people everywhere, I feel the need for more privacy.

Anyway, just had a bit of an upset tummy related to period and was cleaning self up and washing menstrual cup in the sink by the door and dp asks me to open it as he needed his deodorant which was right by the door. I said hang on a minute, and he said no, open the door. I was washing my cup and knickers and just didn't want him in there right at that moment and didn't want to touch the lock as I had blood on my hands. He just started shouting 'open the door, why aren't you opening it?' I keep saying 'just hang on a minute' and he just got so so cross.

I eventually opened it and said that I was sorting period stuff and he said he didn't care and I should have opened it.

I'm reeling. This is not about the deodorant is it? This seems really controlling to me. He is a bit controlling but I think it's anxiety, but this makes me want to insist the door is locked every time I'm in there now.

How dare he? He is always asking what dd is doing upstairs too. She is going to be needing increasing privacy soon too and I want to now be firm on boundaries.

How do I handle this? Was it just because he was surprised as I've never locked it or is this something else?

Feel quite upset

@PandemicPalava

I will have to get the potty out of the cupboard in preparation so he doesn't get one over on me

What the fuck. This is not what relationships are supposed to be.

It's FAR more damaging to her to be living with him & absorbing the 101 ways you're beaten down by him & from an outsiders perspective it's becoming very clear that you are.

Palava should be more assertive as she's twice said she's 'stronger/tougher' than him.

Oh this gave me chills op. So reminiscent of my last relationship.
Two things that I think are VERY important for you to do-
Read 'why does he do That's by lindy bandcroft.
Is you do decide you want to leave- leave with a planned move in place (you can speak to women's aid about this)

My ex partner was obsessed with the fact that I wouldn't let him into the bathroom when I was using the toilet, I am a normal person btw - don't take a long time or scurry in there with my phone etc
Anyway it was just the brink-
He also - refused to support me in applying for a job that suited me better and paid better money, screamed at me for wearing leggings, kidnapped me after I went to gym where he couldn't see in through the Windows, kicked my door in when I spoke to a colleague on instagram (nothing flirty, just a public comment), told me I gave off a vibe that I was 'easy by walking around with my eyes facing forward and not downwards (?!) And sexually things got more and more aggressive.
This was over the course of 3 years and escalated so slowly that I was 'the boiling frog'.
I never thought it would happen to me and to be honest I am so so stunned it did.
When i eventually ended the relationship He stalked and harassed me until police and women's aid got involved.

Now this man if you met him you and everyone else would think was wonderful. He was handsome and a firefighter, lovely to his mum and sister but trust me he is a fucking monster.

Please stay safe op, and make sure you delete this thread from your browsing history.

With 3 people in a one bathroom house who on Earth keeps their deodorant in it 🤷🏽‍♀️ utterly selfish or a deliberate ploy to have a reason to go in whenever??

Might be a bit of long shot, but if you didn't have your phone in there, so he couldn't be assuming because he's a twat you were messaging somebody else - could there be something hidden in the bathroom that he doesn't want you to find?

Might be worthwhile having a quick check under the cistern lid and perhaps behind the bath panel or above the door? If nothing else, if the sound of the lid being lifted brings him crashing through the door with a desperate need for some toothfloss, that would heavily imply he's hiding something.

I would have just let him see all the blood and the things you were doing, might have made him feel bad or embarrassed. Possibly handed him the deodorant with bloody hands too. Just to make him feel like a right see you next Tuesday.
If this was a one off then I'd let it go but if he's being an arse a lot then it's either leave or just put up with it

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

Might be a bit of long shot, but if you didn't have your phone in there, so he couldn't be assuming because he's a twat you were messaging somebody else - could there be something hidden in the bathroom that he doesn't want you to find?

Might be worthwhile having a quick check under the cistern lid and perhaps behind the bath panel or above the door? If nothing else, if the sound of the lid being lifted brings him crashing through the door with a desperate need for some toothfloss, that would heavily imply he's hiding something.

Ooh Interesting 🤨

Whatever about you allowing DP to walk in on you mid-shit or whatever, that's fine you are his intimate partner.
But your DD can't be put in that position where a grown man is walking in on her.
Put a lock on the bathroom door.
Give your DD a choice. At the moment she has no choice.
She has to 'hope' that no on walks in on her in the bathroom.
Everyone is allowed to have stuff just for them.
I don't think it's 'freedom' not having a lock on the door.
I think 'freedom' is having a choice whether to lock it or not.

In answer to your question OP I think boarding school leaves these particular types emotionally stunted. So a lack of empathy, difficulty connecting with others, selfishness and a sense of entitlement. I tried diagnosing my ex and came up with all sorts including ADHD, OCD, even psychopathy. In the end I had to realise that I couldn't cope with him and my son deserved more. I hope you can keep safe.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
Sadly like many of your own family members, you too have ended in an abusive relationship.

You have a choice re this man and your DD does not. What is she learning about relationships here?. She could well end up with someone scarily similar to her abusive dad as an adult here particularly in the event you do not leave.

What is the situation re this property and finances?. Take a good look at these now and start planning your exit from this relationship. Its over anyway because of the abuse he has and continues to mete out.

He has and wants absolute power and control over you and in turn your daughter (is she his biological child?). Such men also hate women and never apologise nor take any responsibility for his actions. Such men too also tend to target "strong" women as they see them as a further challenge to break down. His huffiness towards you seen before taking the dog out for a walk was emotional abuse along with him again trying to further assert power and control. I think here you are the "boiled frog"; abuse like described is indeed insidious in its onset and creeps up on people unawares. This has been going on really for the vast majority of your relationship and make no mistake either he targeted you (weakened boundaries are very attractive to abusers).

I would contact Womens Aid asap and do read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. That man is in those pages.

I would put a fiver on it he does not have ADHD or anything else you may try and prescribe to him. He is not diagnosed and therefore you cannot assume this re him.

He is like this because he can and I would wonder what his own family background is like. It is highly likely he saw abuse at home in his own childhood. Its not a justification but one of many reasons for him acting as he does towards you now; such men hate women and all of them particularly his own mother. Your relationship with him in any event is over.

Do also look up the Freedom Programme; it can be done online too.

Abusers can be nice sometimes but their nice/nasty cycle is really a continuous one. This is who he really is; an abuser who also targeted you by degrees and lured you in. Abuse like this too takes time, years even, to recover from and your own recovery from this has not yet started. It will not until you have fully extricated yourself from him and he is not going to let you go that easily. He thinks he owns you and in turn your DD.

What other things has he done?

Did he move in with you and your daughter?

"I will fiercely defend and protect my dd which is precisely why I posted here"

You cannot even hope to do that whilst you and he are under the same roof. He abuses you with impunity and he cannot be fixed; this is really who he is and has been likely for much of your relationship too.

Atillathemeerkat is the spot on OP. And put it way more succinctly than I could.

One thing I took away from 'why does he do That' (and I am very badly paraphrasing) is to ask yourself - would he have ever treated anyone else the way he treated you today?
Ie. If he was at a conference with work, and had left a notebook in a colleagues bag, would he hammer away on their hotel room door and shout at them until they unlocked the door?

When his best friend goes to the toilet at the pub, does he go with them and stand at the neighbouring urinal?

Would he have done this to you if you and your family were staying with your parents for the weekend?

Probably not I'm guessing. He does these things to you because he doesn't see you as an equal human, he sees you and dd as his property.

[quote PandemicPalava]@Mummyoflittledragon dd likes the idea of period pants too although I don't know how she would change them at school [/quote]
You can get heavier or lighter flow pants. They absorb more than one pad meaning you don’t have to change them frequently unless you have a very heavy flow.

If my dd ever got to a point of needing to change, I would advise her to wear a pad in them for a while, discard it and just wear the knickers by themselves.

You can buy them in pairs or bundles. Firstly I’d buy a pair or two in different sizes to find the right size. You can return the unsuitable pair. Then you can buy a bundle. The bundle comes with a black waterproof neoprene zip bag. Dd has this and a pair of pants permanently in her school bag.

This really resonated with me. I used to be married to a man who would demand to be in the bathroom with me all the time. I hated it and would go without telling him, but if he realised, he’d come up and force his way in while I was in there. This was pre-mobile phone days too, so not as if I was hiding anything.

A more recent ex threw a massive shitfit after I shouted at him for barging into the toilet when I was in there. I had dropped something and he claimed that he was worried and charged in. I was shocked and shouted at him to get out, at which he went into a huge sulk then tried to insist I stopped locking the bathroom door ‘just in case’.

Just fucking no.

Wow thank you so much for the responses. I'll have a proper look tomorrow, it's all a bit raw and I'm trying to get my head straight

This thread has reminded me that my DH used to get annoyed that I locked the bathroom door. So i remember i used to lock it as quietly as I could so he wouldn't hear the key turn. Sad.
I mostly stopped locking it since the kids. And I suppose he's moved on to other things now.
Funny actually that since we had kids HE locks the door.
Well not actually funny of course.

Other examples on this thread unfortunately ring a bell too. He doesn't like me being happy if he isn't. But also calls me miserable if I'm not happy. I can't win. Ever.
If I'm excited about something there's a good chance he will ruin it somehow. Birthday, trips, activities... could be anything.
What frustrates me most i think are his double standards, what's allowed for him, isn't for me - and reading this it just clicked- he doesn't see me as his equal.
It's so clear! So obvious! He never has!
I've been a fool for so long trying to understand why... and of course he had a emotionally shit childhood too and i felt so sorry for him.

I think the way you brought up the situation was confusing & indirect.

You kept justifying why you couldn’t open the door - due to having bloody hands

In reality it doesn’t matter why you didn’t want to open the door - you were having a private moment.

But you keep discussing it with him from the angle that you couldn’t open the door, not from the angle that you deserve & demand privacy.

Why can’t you be more assertive & day “when the bathroom door is locked I want privacy & it’s unreasonably & rude for you do try to invade my personal space. Don’t ask to do that again. I’m really annoyed at you for doing that. It’s creeped me out, I don’t want this open bathroom door policy any more. I worry you will invade our daughter’s space & be creepy / inappropriate with her

Why can’t you just SAY what the problem is? But it seems you can’t or won’t. You keep justifying how you had blood on your hands, but that is really besides the point.

People have a right to privacy & alone time.

That is the issue, not what you were doing in the toilet at the time.

So on some level am unsure how you expect him to understand & respect you when you aren’t actually even addressing the issue.

Hi
W @PandemicPalavahat Your Partner/Husband is Domestic Abuse
It Is Totally Unacceptable !
Please don't Put Up with this Kind of Crap !
You are entitled To have Privacy to Sort out Your Menstrual Cup in Peace !
You are entitled to have Personal Space to read in Peace/or do something else/Another Activities in Peace too !

Your Partner/Husband sounds emotional Abusive Man child !

Why on earth Can't he put his deodorants in your bedroom then?
Why is he being so fucking Arkward then?
Also tell him how would he feel if he was in the Bathroom/or toilet if you started Banging on the door to collect your deodrants for e.g or something else in a impatient Way then !
Otherwise in near future he your Partner/,Husband will start being a Arsehole like that towards your daughter Aswell !

I really don't
And Course your daughter is young
She will not proberly have the Cofindence to be Assertive/Stand up for Herself !

I really do not like the sound of Your Prick of a Partner/Husband at All !

@LochJessMonster
What The Fuck are you Talking About !

Please don't Make those kinds of Judgments about Op Again !
Your Remarks are Stupid and unwarranted !
They are not Useful Whatsever !
Op is unfortunately Married to a Selfish Arsehole Man Child Shit Husband !

Have you Actually Read Op Post Thread Properly ??😬

Op has said that she is Concerned that her Partner/Husband will play tit for tat towards her !
(Make a Point of having a go at her for this as he has done in the past when she was in Uni doing Open University !
She had to use her child's Potty so her Husband would not be disturbed/upset worked up about being in bathroom. !
Op feels she will have to have her childs potty ready again,Just in case her Arsehole/Shit of a husband will do the same thing to her !

So @goingtosaygoodbye are you now going to do something about it, now you have had your eyes opened? It's really unhealthy for you and especially for kids to feel this is normal. The op is rightly incensed, you need to be too.

What the fuck is it with all these men insisting on standing around while their partners are in the bog? Do they get off on it or something? What other reason would a man have for standing there while his wife has a crap?

I have been married for a very long time. Yes, my DH and l may walk in on the other having a shower etc, but when the door is locked neither of us would ever question why. I also agree with a PP, that said he was just using a deodorant as an excuse and that he didn’t really need it.

You’ve been given some very good advise @PandemicPalava and you also need to reassure yourself that you are not wrong. You also need to question, why you you have been so conditioned to see this as normal.

You have a Dd, you need to show her that this isn’t right. I appreciate that the dancing is important, but growing up and not falling into the same dysfunctional relationship patterns is even more important.

Personally, I wouldn’t discuss this with him. He’ll either gaslight you (as he did) or manipulate you into thinking that it’s normal. What l would do, is do the freedom programme, read as much as you can about abusive relationships and also talk to someone.