Bathroom door

[PandemicPalava]

Just had a very odd and disturbing situation unfold out of nowhere. Dd is now 10 and although I have always gone to the toilet and showered etc with the bathroom door open / unlocked I am getting to the point where I feel we need to reinstate privacy. We had dd when we had only been together a couple of years so I don't think I ever locked the door before as it was all new and I'm not that bothered. However recently maybe because of lockdown and constant people everywhere, I feel the need for more privacy.

Anyway, just had a bit of an upset tummy related to period and was cleaning self up and washing menstrual cup in the sink by the door and dp asks me to open it as he needed his deodorant which was right by the door. I said hang on a minute, and he said no, open the door. I was washing my cup and knickers and just didn't want him in there right at that moment and didn't want to touch the lock as I had blood on my hands. He just started shouting 'open the door, why aren't you opening it?' I keep saying 'just hang on a minute' and he just got so so cross.

I eventually opened it and said that I was sorting period stuff and he said he didn't care and I should have opened it.

I'm reeling. This is not about the deodorant is it? This seems really controlling to me. He is a bit controlling but I think it's anxiety, but this makes me want to insist the door is locked every time I'm in there now.

How dare he? He is always asking what dd is doing upstairs too. She is going to be needing increasing privacy soon too and I want to now be firm on boundaries.

How do I handle this? Was it just because he was surprised as I've never locked it or is this something else?

Feel quite upset

@Aquamarine1029 he's lovely so much of the time but I can't help feeling it's all just there, under the surface and then bam! Every now and then something happens.

If you think he would force you to wet yourself just to get back at you, you've got bigger problems than lack of respect for privacy OP.

Him being "lovely" some of the time does not excuse any amount of controlling behaviour! Don't be making excuses or concessions for it.

Yes, please do keep us posted so we can support you. If he does start to play games and deliberately leaves you to wet yourself, that is just a different level of nastiness right there.

@RosyPrimroseDoll let's hope I'm wildly wrong

@Aquamarine1029 thank you, I won't.

It explains about coercive control. Which it would appear you are being subjected to.

Highlights the differences between an abusive-but-he-has-good-qualities-he-is-not-a-monster relationship and a genuinely healthy one. Explains the impact on children. Explains the impact on us.

The group course lasts 12 weeks, is free, and currently being offered over Zoom.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Being brilliant in so many ways doesn't cancel out the abusive bits..

@PandemicPalava

I will have to get the potty out of the cupboard in preparation so he doesn't get one over on me

Just the fact that this has even crossed your mind is so incredibly concerning PandemicPalava. I hope you will be okay.

@Shesheadingonin thank you, I will. I need so desperately to just not put up with this. I've done it before and I feel better doing it when I have some kind of physical place to go to eg Uni (just finished a degree with the OU) or work, but at the moment it's just blooming home school and dog walks

@user1174147897 oh wow that's amazing, I'll see if I can get started on it today

@Santaiscovidfree yes I know, it just makes it easier to ignore

@Chasingsquirrels it is isn't it? Bloody hell.

This really is very odd behaviour, very controlling and strangely needy, it doesn't sit right with me at all.

In our house, if somebody is in the bathroom with the door shut, regardless of age, DC included, well that's that, you just wait until they come out. If I needed my deodorant and DH was in the shower or whatever, I'd always knock and shout through if I could get it, if he said 'hang on a minute' I absolutely would, no questions asked!

Is he dd's df?

I actually think for a one off you are massively overreacting and it’s weird you think it’s controlling.

If you have always had an unlocked door policy, and then suddenly lock the door without explanation, I can see why he was asking you to open it.
Instead of being deliberately vague and just saying ‘hang on’ why didn’t you say you are in the middle of something?

Instead of making this such a big deal why don’t you just have an adult conversation and say because of your daughters age you think it’s now time to start locking the door.

Why does everything have to become such a big deal?

@PandemicPalava

I will have to get the potty out of the cupboard in preparation so he doesn't get one over on me

Ummm Wtf is going on in your house? How can you post something like that in all seriousness? If you're at this stage your marriage is OVER FWIW he sounds vile and controlling and you're right to worry about your DD's teen years. If he treats her that way I'd be genuinely concerned about her safety.

@TokyoSushi that's what I expected to happen and was a bit taken aback when it didn't

@Santaiscovidfree yes

@LochJessMonster

I actually think for a one off you are massively overreacting and it’s weird you think it’s controlling.

If you have always had an unlocked door policy, and then suddenly lock the door without explanation, I can see why he was asking you to open it.
Instead of being deliberately vague and just saying ‘hang on’ why didn’t you say you are in the middle of something?

Instead of making this such a big deal why don’t you just have an adult conversation and say because of your daughters age you think it’s now time to start locking the door.

Why does everything have to become such a big deal?

She already said it wasn't a one off

My first thought was did you discuss the need to reinstate privacy (or rather say it needs to happen8.

Then it became clear that this is not the real issue at all. I hope you sort out - it's horrible when you realise someone is an arse.

@PandemicPalava

Thanks everyone I really appreciate it. I think it is all so subtle I just pretend I don't see it a lot of the time. The Freedom Programme looks great thank you

My ex was very subtle with his abuse too. So subtle it was easily deniable but once I realised what he was doing (thanks MN!) I noticed it more and more. He too took everything personally - you couldn't say he had a smudge on his t-shirt without him thinking you were criticising him, his soul and his very being.

Be prepared for this not to be fixable. I'm not saying LTB but do be prepared that it won't be happy ever after.

Stand up for yourself and put your boundaries in place (his reaction will tell you a lot) but do not tell him that you know what he's doing.

And do keep posting, the realisation is horrible and you need support

@LochJessMonster wow bloody hell! He was shouting at me and refusing to accept that I needed a minute! Why should I have to explain that I have blood on my hands?

It's not an isolated incident either

I'm not minimising what happened at all. But we had an annoying situation the other week.
All been a bit short with each other due to constantly being with each other so much.
I took myself up to bed around 9 pm one night. Which is VERY early in my house.
We are all night owls so even DC are up till 11. Anyway, I'd been upstairs about 30 mins if all the other buggers didn't the. Come up to bed.
Why oh why ??
Never happens normally.
It's horrible OP. We all need space and we all are entitled to privacy

Instead of being deliberately vague and just saying ‘hang on’ why didn’t you say you are in the middle of something?

What the hell else could 'hang on' mean in the context of a locked toilet door OTHER THAN 'I'm in the middle of something' and something that requires privacy!?!?
If she was mid shit should she have clenched her butt cheeks and waddled over to open the door or humiliatingly had to spell out that she currently has faeces exiting her body and needs a minute??