Bathroom door

[PandemicPalava]

Just had a very odd and disturbing situation unfold out of nowhere. Dd is now 10 and although I have always gone to the toilet and showered etc with the bathroom door open / unlocked I am getting to the point where I feel we need to reinstate privacy. We had dd when we had only been together a couple of years so I don't think I ever locked the door before as it was all new and I'm not that bothered. However recently maybe because of lockdown and constant people everywhere, I feel the need for more privacy.

Anyway, just had a bit of an upset tummy related to period and was cleaning self up and washing menstrual cup in the sink by the door and dp asks me to open it as he needed his deodorant which was right by the door. I said hang on a minute, and he said no, open the door. I was washing my cup and knickers and just didn't want him in there right at that moment and didn't want to touch the lock as I had blood on my hands. He just started shouting 'open the door, why aren't you opening it?' I keep saying 'just hang on a minute' and he just got so so cross.

I eventually opened it and said that I was sorting period stuff and he said he didn't care and I should have opened it.

I'm reeling. This is not about the deodorant is it? This seems really controlling to me. He is a bit controlling but I think it's anxiety, but this makes me want to insist the door is locked every time I'm in there now.

How dare he? He is always asking what dd is doing upstairs too. She is going to be needing increasing privacy soon too and I want to now be firm on boundaries.

How do I handle this? Was it just because he was surprised as I've never locked it or is this something else?

Feel quite upset

@Wanderlusto yes I know this. I want to have a decent job and want to do a masters so dd can carry on her dancing. It is very expensive and I worry. I know that's not a good reason but I feel like a middle ground is to stand up to him so she sees it and work on my education for now

@RandomMess that's what scares me. I saw it with my mum too and I know how it affects generation on generation

[quote PandemicPalava]@Wanderlusto he loves my discomfort. I've actually seen him look pained when I am happy if he isn't. If he is, it's fine. He likes to make me sad or look on the down side all the time. 100 good things and he'll make sure I see the 1 negative and dwell on it [/quote]
Oh @PandemicPalava, my heart goes out to you. This is no way to live.

@SignOnTheWindow if feels weird typing it as I honestly am so used to it, it doesn't feel they bad but I think I'm blinkered

Dh and I share the en-suite, it is never locked and we have an open door policy with a courtesy knock. If I suddenly locked it he would ask if I was okay. That would be it. I wouldn't have to explain myself. That is the difference, he would just say I need my deodorant when you have a minute. He wouldn't hover at the door or shout.

The fact that you are in fear of his response or repercussions is not the sign of a healthy relationship, worrying he will do a tit for tat approach from now on, again is not a sign of a healthy relationship.

I think now your eyes have been opened to it you will start to see more stuff and hopefully it is something that can be dealt with.

@PandemicPalava good luck! Sounds like the scales have well and truly fallen from your eyes.

Just a warning though: I had a parent very like your partner - the hating seeing anyone else happy and revelling in misery struck a particular chord! - and once they realised I was stronger than them and could ‘beat’ them at the game, they started using suicide threats to try to control me.
Me wanting privacy and independence from them was so hurtful and such a rejection that they said they had no other option but to kill themselves and leave a note that made it clear it was all my fault and I’d have to live with everyone hating me.

Needless to say they are still alive, 25 years later, and still being a controlling, manipulative bully to anyone stupid enough to be taken in by them.

He could resort to this and you have to learn to detach from the threat as soon as it’s out there.

Fear of it happening overshadowed many periods in my life that should have been happy times. It went on until I told them I didn’t care and would help them find a rope if they were really serious.

It never happened again - I did get called many names for ‘encouraging’ them to kill themselves though!

The only way to win with people like this is to set a boundary and hold to it. How they respond is their choice and their problem.

Have you actually spoken to him about all this yet, since he got back with the dog?

OP you sound like you know exactly what's best for you, and what isn't acceptable, that's such a great start. You absolutely have the strength and willpower to get rid of this bastard and to come out happier, safer and more content.

We're here when you need us, as are WomensAid and of course the police if you feel you're in immediate danger. Could you let your Nan know that you're having some issues and may need to come stay with her at some point? You obviously don't need to let on anything you don't want to but it may be a safe option to have someone ready to catch you.
If you do leave, make sure someone knows where you are and where you're heading.

From what you've said it sounds like you're coming to terms with the fact you are being abused, it may help if you can write down (only if safe) the incidents that have happened with him so you don't get persuaded back.

Best of luck x

@PandemicPalavaIt's really, really hard to see the situation as it really is, when you've lived it for so long..

It's only through reading threads on this board that I realise, 9 years on, how dysfunctional and mentally abusive my last relationship was. I spent years thinking I was the bad one. It's harder to wake up to the fact that it's abuse when it doesn't seem planned and deliberate.

Keep posting, keep reading. I hope you find a way forward.

@LonelyBlueBauble that's what I thought he would say but when he started shouting I was completely shocked

@DuchessOfDoombar wow that sounds awful. That happened to my sister too since she split with her ex. I told her the same (the irony) to detach herself and let him threaten it and get on with it. He is still alive too and never did it

Thank you for sharing, it's very helpful

@Aquamarine1029 no because we are all together in the living room and I don't want to upset dd.

@Lucieintheskye thank you. My Nan is always there so I know I don't need to warn her.

So much to think about

@ PandemicPalava

''it is symbolic of something much bigger and it needs to stop. I find it hard that his family must think I'm useless and unnecessarily anxious but I can't tell them why''

I totally agree that it's symbolic of his need to control you totally, but I'm unsure why you can't tell his family that he's the reason you get anxious ??

They already have experience of this and effectively gave up on parenting him when they couldn't handle his behaviour as a kid FFS !!

To be honest, you've 'woken up' from a kind of dream state, where you have been immersed in this altered reality where total control and absolutely no privacy or independence is tolerable.

Your DD will soon realize ( If she hasn't already) that this is NOT normal and that his level of total control is abuse.

You have to protect both yourself and your DD at all costs.

Be very careful. Make sure that your family at least are told about what's happening so you can get RL support.

You have now seen the light, just be sure of your footing as you lead your DD out from his shadow, and into the light.

@SignOnTheWindow it's to painful to completely admit it all at the moment but I will keep reading

Just as it is chilling how many say it how it is in a cruel way and take advantage people are also sensitve aka can't take it back, it is scary how many controlling men are hiding behind anxiety self diagnoses.

Good luck OP, you must feel overwhelmed. You need to think and plan, but you need to get out. I had a similar ex, it took over 2 years to fully extricate myself but had wanted out way before that. I tried placating in the early days, but the more I gave way the more he pushed. I then stood up to it, which eventually led to the police being called and him being charged with assault and given a restraining order. I wish I got rid years earlier, but it seemed impossible. In short, whatever you do he wont change, the problem is him not you x I

@updownroundandround i don't think my family will be much help as they all have / had abusive partners and are in the swing of their own troubles / don't see it as an issue. They are aware of a few bits.

His family are high achievers and always as when I'm getting a better job etc and I'd love to say - 5 years ago if I'd been allowed to!

@wewereliars thank you. I am still blindly slightly hopeful but as others have said, blinkers are off and I am thinking

God he really does sound awful.

OP what you need to realise is something that sounds like I'm having a go at you, which isn't my intention. But you are teaching your daughter that this is what a healthy relationship looks like.

You're teaching her that having no space, no privacy, being followed around the house, letting a man dictate the mood of a house, walking on eggshells because of his anxiety (instead of him working on coping mechanisms), a man thinking he can dictate your personal development and career decisions by putting obstacles in her way... etc... is acceptable and normal behaviour for a partner.

Even if you sometimes stand up to him, you tolerate that behaviour so it's normalised to her. Similarly, you are numb to it. This will effect her.

I know splitting up and coparenting is scary and you're worried his behaviour will be worse BUT you can either have her living with someone like him 100% of the time and increase the likelihood of her ending up in relationships similar to this OR you can split and she can spend say 25% of the time with a sad man whose behaviour was not healthy and 75% of the time with a woman who has shown her his behaviour was not acceptable and that it's important for women to make decisions that are healthy and mean they can be happy. I say 25/75 because he's unlikely to actually want 50/50 even if he says so at first to scare you.

Please, have a think about the above. My parents had a 'walking on eggshells' / dad being happy means they house is calm so prioritise him type marriage and I had unhealthy relationships all through my 20s and therapy galore to unravel my expectations of what a healthy relationship looks like.

@youvegottenminuteslynn thank you. I do get that, as it has happened to me watching my mum and I need to break the chain but it's so scary

[quote PandemicPalava]@youvegottenminuteslynn thank you. I do get that, as it has happened to me watching my mum and I need to break the chain but it's so scary [/quote]
It is scary but imagine how proud you would be meeting your daughters future boyfriend who is a lovely lad, encourages her to do a job she loves, get qualifications if she wants to, beams with pride when she does well, thinks it's nice when she has nights out with mates and puts a glass of water and some paracetamol next to the bed for when she gets home without hassling her for details of nights out, tells you and her how lucky he is, makes her laugh all the time, looks like he can't believe his luck when he sees her on their wedding day...

You can give your daughter the best chance possible of meeting someone like that. That person is a healthy, kind, normal bloke - all those things are what a healthy, kind, normal partner does.

She deserves to experience that in her future and you can help give her the best chance of it happening.

[quote PandemicPalava]@Wanderlusto yes I know this. I want to have a decent job and want to do a masters so dd can carry on her dancing. It is very expensive and I worry. I know that's not a good reason but I feel like a middle ground is to stand up to him so she sees it and work on my education for now [/quote]
So sad reading your posts, OP.

Surely nothing is worth continuing to live with this bully though? Can the masters wait? Can she get a dancing scholarship? If you can, try to clear the path to a better life for you and your daughter ahead without him. Don’t wait.

Sounds like the bathroom isn't really the issue, it s a symptom.

We don't have a lock on ours (couple, no kids) but when one is in, the other isn't , unless we are packing for holidays. He likes long baths - if he's having one, he lets me know so I can get a wee in beforehand. I'll let him know when I'm done dressing/hair etc so it's all his. It's about communication and we all have a desire for privacy at some points. Even if he is still in the bath when dinner is ready, I will knock and call out to him rather than barge in, it is his space at that point. This seems to work fine for us.

Obviously if something like norovirus were to hit, all bets are off. I once had to vomit in the sink while my ex H was on the bog, nothing could be done about that..... not happy days....but we were both fine about it as it was an emergency

If I suddenly locked it he would ask if I was okay

This was what I was basically going to say - if the door was suddenly locked after years of it being open, my first thought would be something was wrong or my DP was ill or hurting.. it wouldn't be angry shouting and trying to open the door, I'd be asking if they were ok.

Sounds like there is an awful lot more going on and theres probably far worse things in your past. But its like the straw that broke the camels back - you suddenly realise, over something fairly 'petty' that they are not who you think they are (not downplaying what he did btw, but I bet there's worst things over the years that you've just accepted)