Bathroom door

[PandemicPalava]

Just had a very odd and disturbing situation unfold out of nowhere. Dd is now 10 and although I have always gone to the toilet and showered etc with the bathroom door open / unlocked I am getting to the point where I feel we need to reinstate privacy. We had dd when we had only been together a couple of years so I don't think I ever locked the door before as it was all new and I'm not that bothered. However recently maybe because of lockdown and constant people everywhere, I feel the need for more privacy.

Anyway, just had a bit of an upset tummy related to period and was cleaning self up and washing menstrual cup in the sink by the door and dp asks me to open it as he needed his deodorant which was right by the door. I said hang on a minute, and he said no, open the door. I was washing my cup and knickers and just didn't want him in there right at that moment and didn't want to touch the lock as I had blood on my hands. He just started shouting 'open the door, why aren't you opening it?' I keep saying 'just hang on a minute' and he just got so so cross.

I eventually opened it and said that I was sorting period stuff and he said he didn't care and I should have opened it.

I'm reeling. This is not about the deodorant is it? This seems really controlling to me. He is a bit controlling but I think it's anxiety, but this makes me want to insist the door is locked every time I'm in there now.

How dare he? He is always asking what dd is doing upstairs too. She is going to be needing increasing privacy soon too and I want to now be firm on boundaries.

How do I handle this? Was it just because he was surprised as I've never locked it or is this something else?

Feel quite upset

@PearlHeart3 yes I did, but I don't think he knew that. Worth thinking about though

It does help to write it down (long as he doesn't see it)
This is your light bulb moment. It's not about the bathroom door really. I think you know it's part of a bigger picture.

Isn't it funny how all these undiagnosed men mange to find a woman to help them? And not a doctor?
Funny that. But not in a laughing funny way.

@TheLittleRedToothbrush

Oh goodness, this has made my blood run cold. I had a thread on here 16 months ago. My ex started the bathroom door thing as a " hey we don't have anything to hide " and " this is what normal couples do " I went Along with it at first , even though I was uncomfortable as I thought I was in the wrong. Then it escalated to sharing a toothbrush, then what I ate .. wore etc ... the control creeps up until you one day you realise you have absolutely no autonomy. Thank goodness I asked on here and then received wonderful advice , my GP and Women's aid helped get my life back together again. I'm sorry if I've projected a bit here , and genuinely hope that it isn't like that for you . But the sheer joy of being able to lock the bathroom door is something that I never tire of. X

I recall your Thread... ❤️

Glad your are safe and happy 🌺

@TheLittleRedToothbrush my decreasing autonomy is exactly what I can feel, which is why I posted. It's horrible

@gutful but I really think he has! He was a rogue child and it was never addressed.

Do you think lots of women do this to justify the partners behaviour them? I hadn't considered my thoughts on this may be a part of it

@Silenceisgolden20 too right he won't, thank you for your kind words and confidence in me

It is definitely a lightbulb moment. I am so shocked that my concern about ADHD is likely my coping mechanism. Gut punch moment

He's back from the dog walk now. Will leave the thread for a bit and be back later. Thank you so much everyone

I think it will become a game. He will lock it and as we have one bathroom make me wet myself as he will stay in there so long needing his privacy

OP any relationship where you even wonder whether this might happen is in serious trouble. Do you need help to leave the relationship? Do you know where to get it if you do?

You pander to his misunderstood inner child to explain how he behaves & treats you.

At the end of the day an adult who has an undiagnosed mental health or behaviour disorder will likely find their lives become manageable & seek treatment.

Who cares if he may or may not have ADHD? You don’t know this to be fact.

It makes you feel like the nurturer, that you’re special, the only one who really “gets” him & understands his poor little inner child

In reality you can’t read a book or do a poo in peace without a drama. So you’re the one suffering because of his “issues”.

But feeling like this must all have a medical reason & cause helps to justify not addressing his problematic behaviour. You explain it away.

I bet he isn’t worried that it upsets you to not be allowed to read in bed. Does his anxiety & ADHD prevent him from putting you first & respecting your private time? I bet not.

Someone with real anxiety would be worried they were pushing you away.

@ThatVeganFeminist

I wonder why you didn't assert boundaries and lock doors from the beginning? Did he make it clear he expected the door left open and you went along with it? It's quite unusual.

It's really not.

You just need to be open and a calm chat and say "I couldn't open the door as I was sorting my period stuff out and I wasn't clean so I couldn't open the door". His response then will tell you if you need to be worried or not

I'd definitely be more concerned about the ''excessive reactions'' he has to not being able to see/be with you whenever he wants to......

Be very careful in ''setting your boundaries'' too. I'm not suggesting that you don't do that, just that you are careful for your safety when you do it.

I've known plenty of couples where one partner always gravitates to where the other one is, but at worst it's been an ''annoyance'' because the intention wasn't to ''keep an eye on'' or to purposely ''disregard'' their partners privacy.

It's the intent behind the action and the angry reaction to being told ''wait a minute'' which is very concerning.

It's concerning because he knew where you were, and he knew you would only be a couple of minutes, and he knew he wasn't actually in a rush for any reason................and yet he thinks it's OK to yell NO at you when asked politely to wait !!!!

This needs sorting asap or it will fester and nothing worse, only done it once never again, going to bed with an argument hanging over.

What has been said and done by him is inexcusable and I hope he makes amends with the very least a profound apology, a promise of no reoccurrence and a bunch of flowers or gift that he knows that you will appreciate.

@PandemicPalava

He may well have ADHD or anxiety, or whatever.

However, you've even had the thought he would deliberately lock himself in there until you wet yourself - that's NOT diwn to ADHD or anxiety.

It probably did take him by surprise that the door was locked when it never normally is & he probably wondered why, after 10 years, you suddenly locked it. But his reaction was massively over the top.

When you said you were dealing with period stuff & he said 'I don't care' did he mean 'I've seen it all before a but if blood doesn't bother me' or did he mean 'I don't care why you want privacy'?

My dd has ADHD. She might be impatient for the bathroom and say so, but she wouldn't insist on coming in. She might want my attention or me to do something with her, but she accepts if I am too busy. She might shout at me about it, yes, but she knows that she would be being unreasonable to ignore my needs.

She had huge problems as a child, especially at school. I don't think having ADHD, which he might well have, is an excuse for the behaviour you describe OP.

Also she wouldn't plan to stay in the bathroom for ages to stop me using it. People with ADHD find forward planning very difficult.

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants if you did a poll on here as to whether couples lock the door when they are using the toilet or not I'm convinced that the majority would say they lock it. You may be a person who doesn't have boundaries over toilet use but that doesn't mean you aren't unusual.

I think you need to be careful op. You say you wint get sucked in but you ARE. You are already planning strategy ahead for when he tries to lock you out of the bathroom.

Its no way to live. And you cant talk him out of playing the game because its who he is. He enjoys being this way. Why would he stop? He likes your discomfort. Because he is a controlling prick.

The only way to not play is to get shot of him.

Just member, for every small victory you achieve in his game, he will punish you tenfold. You can't win it. But you can end it.

*remember

Ime Twatism is often an undiagnosed disorder..