Bathroom door

[PandemicPalava]

Just had a very odd and disturbing situation unfold out of nowhere. Dd is now 10 and although I have always gone to the toilet and showered etc with the bathroom door open / unlocked I am getting to the point where I feel we need to reinstate privacy. We had dd when we had only been together a couple of years so I don't think I ever locked the door before as it was all new and I'm not that bothered. However recently maybe because of lockdown and constant people everywhere, I feel the need for more privacy.

Anyway, just had a bit of an upset tummy related to period and was cleaning self up and washing menstrual cup in the sink by the door and dp asks me to open it as he needed his deodorant which was right by the door. I said hang on a minute, and he said no, open the door. I was washing my cup and knickers and just didn't want him in there right at that moment and didn't want to touch the lock as I had blood on my hands. He just started shouting 'open the door, why aren't you opening it?' I keep saying 'just hang on a minute' and he just got so so cross.

I eventually opened it and said that I was sorting period stuff and he said he didn't care and I should have opened it.

I'm reeling. This is not about the deodorant is it? This seems really controlling to me. He is a bit controlling but I think it's anxiety, but this makes me want to insist the door is locked every time I'm in there now.

How dare he? He is always asking what dd is doing upstairs too. She is going to be needing increasing privacy soon too and I want to now be firm on boundaries.

How do I handle this? Was it just because he was surprised as I've never locked it or is this something else?

Feel quite upset

I wonder why you didn't assert boundaries and lock doors from the beginning?
Did he make it clear he expected the door left open and you went along with it? It's quite unusual.

@ThatVeganFeminist thank you. I suppose it at least gives me a chance to explore what his arguments may be and hash them out

Next he'll be accusing you of cheating on him in the bathroom. That's why you he thinks you locked it. Watch out, these things do escualte and happen.
He's testing you.

You seem to have a healthy idea of your own rights and boundaries and are justifiably really angry about this. You need to confront it head on and if he can't understand where he is in the wrong I think you need to be considering your relationship. It isn't a normal reaction in a normal relationship, is it?

That’s totally over the top behaviour from him!

What did he think was going on? You and another man in there or something?
Ffs - I’d have even so angry if my husband did this!

@Silenceisgolden20 yes, completely. It is weird that it has been 10 years and that suddenly dawned on me, why on earth have I let myself be so 100% available all of the time!

When I'm reading, or if I'm engrossed in anything, the level of annoyance if I don't respond immediately is disproportionate

[quote PandemicPalava]@ReggaePerrin ah ok, so don't let on and just see what he does? I've always announced it until now, I even told him he was gaslighting me last week [/quote]
I just meant don't tell him you think he's abusive, watch and wait. Yes, put your boundaries in place, have a calm discussion about bathroom and general privacy. See how he reacts.

[quote PandemicPalava]@LochJessMonster but it's not just that, it's my privacy. Also I can't just demand that, I'm not a controlling person [/quote]
I don’t understand why everything in your relation has to be about ‘control’.
It’s not controlling to question a sudden change in the house. It’s not controlling to discuss a change in the house.

Your relationship is obviously screwed because in any normal one, this wouldn’t be an issue. It would be at worst miscommunication. And forgotten within seconds.

@MrsBrunch absolutely, I agree, I take the path of least resistance

You won't win the argument. It's not worth your energy.
Lock the bathroom door from now on and start listing other things he does. I bet you find a pattern.

@ThatVeganFeminist I have no idea! I don't remember a conversation about it, then dd was here and you don't ever pee alone again so it became habit and I just suddenly thought hang on, why am I still so available all the time, dd is old enough to understand and wait now and I need to be able to shut a locked door sometimes

His need wasn't urgent. He said he wanted his deodorant. He should have just waited while the person in the bathroom finished. Anything else is a really off reaction.

Out of interest @PandemicPalava did you have your phone on you when you 'locked' yourself in the bathroom? Perhaps he thinks you're messaging or talking to someone in there.

Whatever his reasons, none of them are good and it's very alarming. I hope it doesn't escalate. Please keep posting here for support xx

@Silenceisgolden20 I thought this, what energy heck does he think I'm doing in there?

@lochjessmonster
He wasn't discussing it. He was shouting at her. That's not discussing

@pog100 nope not at all, I need to step up for the women in the house now, no more of this. He's only got away with it for so long as it's easier and I feel broken

@Heyahun I'm fuming. He has still not come back from the dog walk. I'd like to think he's enjoying the walk but I can't help but see his absence as a game

My advice to you is stop prioritising what mystery undiagnosed mental health / behavioural conditions he may have.

Whenever people think this way, it’s almost a certainty the care & concern is not reciprocated by the other person.

I roll my eyes every time on here I read yet another woman worrying about the undiagnosed adult ADHD their partner supposedly has .

@ReggaePerrin thank you, I will

@LochJessMonster you're missing the point

He won't break you. You can get support.
It's really good you are seeing this now. Keep posting for support.

@Silenceisgolden20 if I can identify a pattern I can do something.

@Butterymuffin if he had said he was about to poo himself I would have let him in, but deodorant was not urgent, exactly

Undiagnosed anxiety & adult ADHD are the hallmarks of an arsehole. Stop medicalising him & prioritise the affect his behaviour has on YOU - not pander you what undiagnosed conditions he may or may not have. Because he likely had neither.