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Original poster

Bathroom door

296 replies

PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 11:59

Just had a very odd and disturbing situation unfold out of nowhere. Dd is now 10 and although I have always gone to the toilet and showered etc with the bathroom door open / unlocked I am getting to the point where I feel we need to reinstate privacy. We had dd when we had only been together a couple of years so I don't think I ever locked the door before as it was all new and I'm not that bothered. However recently maybe because of lockdown and constant people everywhere, I feel the need for more privacy.

Anyway, just had a bit of an upset tummy related to period and was cleaning self up and washing menstrual cup in the sink by the door and dp asks me to open it as he needed his deodorant which was right by the door. I said hang on a minute, and he said no, open the door. I was washing my cup and knickers and just didn't want him in there right at that moment and didn't want to touch the lock as I had blood on my hands. He just started shouting 'open the door, why aren't you opening it?' I keep saying 'just hang on a minute' and he just got so so cross.

I eventually opened it and said that I was sorting period stuff and he said he didn't care and I should have opened it.

I'm reeling. This is not about the deodorant is it? This seems really controlling to me. He is a bit controlling but I think it's anxiety, but this makes me want to insist the door is locked every time I'm in there now.

How dare he? He is always asking what dd is doing upstairs too. She is going to be needing increasing privacy soon too and I want to now be firm on boundaries.

How do I handle this? Was it just because he was surprised as I've never locked it or is this something else?

Feel quite upset

OP posts:
LochJessMonster · 23/01/2021 12:57

Most of the OPs posts are guessing what will happen next (he’ll make me wet myself Confused etc) but because she hasn’t had a grown up conversation about locking the door, it’s all just a bit dramatic and ott.
He might literally say ‘ok, that makes sense’

Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 12:58

@ThatVeganFeminist wow that's harsh. He isn't as strong as me and I know I can break this cycle. He's being a dick and it needs stopping in its tracks. I will fiercely defend and protect my dd which is precisely why I posted here

OP posts:
Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 12:59

@SoupDragon I didn't announce anything, just locked the door as I needed to empty cup

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/01/2021 12:59

If you have always had an unlocked door policy, and then suddenly lock the door without explanation, I can see why he was asking you to open it.
Instead of being deliberately vague and just saying ‘hang on’ why didn’t you say you are in the middle of something?

A grown woman shouldn't have to explain why she needs a few minutes of privacy, which is basically asking him for permission. FFS.

ThatVeganFeminist · 23/01/2021 12:59

@LochJessMonster

Most of the OPs posts are guessing what will happen next (he’ll make me wet myself Confused etc) but because she hasn’t had a grown up conversation about locking the door, it’s all just a bit dramatic and ott. He might literally say ‘ok, that makes sense’
Yeah he seems like such a reasonable and normal guy who just needs to be told that people need privacy in the toilet and will immediately accept it Hmm People needing privacy and dignity over toilet matters is the default and people who don't respect that are weirdos
Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 13:00

@ReggaePerrin ah ok, so don't let on and just see what he does? I've always announced it until now, I even told him he was gaslighting me last week

OP posts:
neonjumper · 23/01/2021 13:01

@LochJessMonster

I actually think for a one off you are massively overreacting and it’s weird you think it’s controlling.

If you have always had an unlocked door policy, and then suddenly lock the door without explanation, I can see why he was asking you to open it.
Instead of being deliberately vague and just saying ‘hang on’ why didn’t you say you are in the middle of something?

Instead of making this such a big deal why don’t you just have an adult conversation and say because of your daughters age you think it’s now time to start locking the door.

Why does everything have to become such a big deal?

So much wrong with this post , where on earth do you start ? It makes no difference if it is the first or tenth time ... the reaction was over the top and unacceptable.
Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 13:01

@ThatVeganFeminist exactly this!! Bathroom = bodily functions and possible need for privacy. What if I'd shit myself and was washing my clothes?

OP posts:
Santaiscovidfree · 23/01/2021 13:01

Surely nobody needs to announce or explain why they are locking the bathroom door?
Why is anyone saying op should have justified her own decision?
Ds 6 is the only one not allowed to lock the door here as it's too stiff!!

Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 13:02

@LochJessMonster it was the 'hang on a minute' (said upbeat and nicely) met with 'No' which is the issue

OP posts:
Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 13:03

It the fact that my response was disregarded so quickly and harshly. I didn't think I needed to have a grown up conversation about bathroom privacy

OP posts:
LochJessMonster · 23/01/2021 13:05

[quote PandemicPalava]@ThatVeganFeminist exactly this!! Bathroom = bodily functions and possible need for privacy. What if I'd shit myself and was washing my clothes? [/quote]
Except apparently you’ve never worried about that before?

If you are going to suddenly change a 10 year norm, a simple conversation would stop any confusion and avoid all this drama.

Silenceisgolden20 · 23/01/2021 13:05

@LochJessMonster

I actually think for a one off you are massively overreacting and it’s weird you think it’s controlling.

If you have always had an unlocked door policy, and then suddenly lock the door without explanation, I can see why he was asking you to open it.
Instead of being deliberately vague and just saying ‘hang on’ why didn’t you say you are in the middle of something?

Instead of making this such a big deal why don’t you just have an adult conversation and say because of your daughters age you think it’s now time to start locking the door.

Why does everything have to become such a big deal?

But why couldn't he wait? Isn't he rhebkn making it into a big deal? Funny how you've turned that into the OP is your behaviour the same or do you accept the same behaviour from your own partner? If he was at a public toilet, would be behave the same? No he wouldn't.
Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 13:06

So it doesn't matter that he just said no? It's not like I said I was going to be 2 hours. Norms or no norms it's shit.

The dog and dd and dp walk in on me all the time and I just go to the point where I wondered why I let them

OP posts:
Silenceisgolden20 · 23/01/2021 13:08

@LochJessMonster

Most of the OPs posts are guessing what will happen next (he’ll make me wet myself Confused etc) but because she hasn’t had a grown up conversation about locking the door, it’s all just a bit dramatic and ott. He might literally say ‘ok, that makes sense’
Ha and again. It's made into the OP has a problem. For wanting to lock a bathroom door. Jesus.
Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 13:09

And he wasn't asking, he was demanding. Surely the adult response would be to wait and then him to ask me if he wondered what has changed or for me to explain later in a safe conversation which is equal, not me one side with blood on my hands and him the other shouting the odds

OP posts:
LochJessMonster · 23/01/2021 13:09

@PandemicPalava

So it doesn't matter that he just said no? It's not like I said I was going to be 2 hours. Norms or no norms it's shit.

The dog and dd and dp walk in on me all the time and I just go to the point where I wondered why I let them

I’m not saying you don’t have the right to lock the door but if you are suddenly changing a 10 year old norm then just bloody say something rather than making this a massive argument.

“Btw due to DDs age, from now on we are locking the bathroom door”
Done.

Silenceisgolden20 · 23/01/2021 13:10

But he made it into a massive argument? Not the Op

gutful · 23/01/2021 13:10

He’s “lovely” but doesn’t want you to real a book in your room & let you have some unwinding time.

He isn’t lovely.

He sounds suffocating & annoying

Also I am so sick of controlling behaviour being excused by having “anxiety”

When a controlling person is losing control they will be anxious. That doesn’t mean they have anxiety.

Also anxiety is a normal human emotion. It is overmedicalised in today’s society & used to excuse all manner of in appropriate behaviour on the part of the “sufferer”.

I bet he doesn’t go to the doctor or psychiatrist to get help for this awful anxiety he suffers, which must surely affect all areas of his life!

ThatVeganFeminist · 23/01/2021 13:11

OP some women will do anything to excuse controlling male behaviour and blame women so don't worry about trying to justify yourself to the couple of posters who are blaming you.

Silenceisgolden20 · 23/01/2021 13:11

As an adult, locking a bathroom needs no explanation. Even if it has been 10 years. (Which by the way is weird anyway)
His reaction was completely ott

MrsBrunch · 23/01/2021 13:12

[quote PandemicPalava]@Aquamarine1029 he's lovely so much of the time but I can't help feeling it's all just there, under the surface and then bam! Every now and then something happens. [/quote]
He's lovely as long as you are doing exactly what he wants you to do. Step out of line, even one tiny bit and you see the real him.

You even know this, you just have allowed yourself to acknowledge it.

Silenceisgolden20 · 23/01/2021 13:12

@ThatVeganFeminist

OP some women will do anything to excuse controlling male behaviour and blame women so don't worry about trying to justify yourself to the couple of posters who are blaming you.
This.

It's not you OP.

Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 13:13

@LochJessMonster but it's not just that, it's my privacy. Also I can't just demand that, I'm not a controlling person

OP posts:
Original poster
PandemicPalava · 23/01/2021 13:14

@gutful I hadn't thought of the anxiety being because he's losing control! That's really interesting.

I am also sure he has undiagnosed ADHD which he won't seek help for

OP posts:
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