Bathroom door

[PandemicPalava]

Just had a very odd and disturbing situation unfold out of nowhere. Dd is now 10 and although I have always gone to the toilet and showered etc with the bathroom door open / unlocked I am getting to the point where I feel we need to reinstate privacy. We had dd when we had only been together a couple of years so I don't think I ever locked the door before as it was all new and I'm not that bothered. However recently maybe because of lockdown and constant people everywhere, I feel the need for more privacy.

Anyway, just had a bit of an upset tummy related to period and was cleaning self up and washing menstrual cup in the sink by the door and dp asks me to open it as he needed his deodorant which was right by the door. I said hang on a minute, and he said no, open the door. I was washing my cup and knickers and just didn't want him in there right at that moment and didn't want to touch the lock as I had blood on my hands. He just started shouting 'open the door, why aren't you opening it?' I keep saying 'just hang on a minute' and he just got so so cross.

I eventually opened it and said that I was sorting period stuff and he said he didn't care and I should have opened it.

I'm reeling. This is not about the deodorant is it? This seems really controlling to me. He is a bit controlling but I think it's anxiety, but this makes me want to insist the door is locked every time I'm in there now.

How dare he? He is always asking what dd is doing upstairs too. She is going to be needing increasing privacy soon too and I want to now be firm on boundaries.

How do I handle this? Was it just because he was surprised as I've never locked it or is this something else?

Feel quite upset

I have plenty of places I could go if I needed to, my Nan has a big house and it's just her so we could go there. I own the car and although I don't have a lot of money I have available credit as a last resort. I don't want to though, I want to set boundaries and hope the asshole vanishes first

Thank you @gutful I really think you're right. I do this constantly. He was sent away to boarding school for behaviour when he was little and I feel sorry for they boy and think of him when things are tough to explain it away

@londongirl12 I will phrase it like that, thank you.

@updownroundandround yes that's exactly it, it wasn't an emergency. I will see boundaries in small safe ways and see what happens

@wsbts he is acting as though nothing has happened. He doesn't apologise, ever

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants I don't know which 'don't care' it was. Point is he didn't care if I cared either way. He didn't know it was period stuff until I was out. I just said I was doing something which was probably stupid, I should have just said, but why should I?

@Amotherlife thank you for this perspective. He is very passive aggressive and pushy and you're right, the lack of planning ability doesn't fit with coercive manipulation so I think I'm barking up the wrong tree

@Wanderlusto he loves my discomfort. I've actually seen him look pained when I am happy if he isn't. If he is, it's fine. He likes to make me sad or look on the down side all the time. 100 good things and he'll make sure I see the 1 negative and dwell on it

@Wanderlusto that's what I'm worried about, the tit for tat

@Santaiscovidfree 🤣🤣

What? Maybe he thinks it's odd that you need to hide away to wash your period things?

@PandemicPalava

Thank you, I will not get sucked in.

I think it will become a game. He will lock it and as we have one bathroom make me wet myself as he will stay in there so long needing his privacy

The fact you thought this is incredibly worrying. You aren't overreacting, if anything you're under reacting.

He just started shouting 'open the door, why aren't you opening it?' I keep saying 'just hang on a minute' and he just got so so cross.

This is fucking unhinged!

Your daughter is 10 and is going to need more privacy than ever before very soon as her body changes and her hormones affect her. I would be concerned he will believe his 'anxiety and neediness' (controlling and selfish behaviour in reality) should override her needs.

OP, he sounds like a prick.

@wizzywig I wasn't hiding I am just sick of people walking in while I'm removing and cleaning my menstrual cup

My exh once commented during attempted meditation he felt pushed out by my periods as I didn't ever ask him to change a tampon.
Vile just fucking vile.
He was abusive in other ways and it struck a chord and memories reading your thread...
The look on the mediator's face was one to be remembered..
Sorry if tmi.

@youvegottenminuteslynn I know he does and I think he probably is. I need to set boundaries right now and make a clear stand for us both

@Santaiscovidfree wow! Maybe he feels jealous of my period! What a thing for your ex to say, that's shocking

@LochJessMonster

I’m not saying you don’t have the right to lock the door but if you are suddenly changing a 10 year old norm then just bloody say something rather than making this a massive argument.

Your relationship is obviously screwed because in any normal one, this wouldn’t be an issue. It would be at worst miscommunication. And forgotten within seconds.

He's a grown man who shouted at her when she said 'hang on'. It's not OP who has fucked up boundaries, it's her partner. And by the sounds of it you to be honest. I'm sorry you think that shouting at a partner when they don't immediately do what you want is ok. That's not a "normal relationship", I'm sorry for you that you think it is.

@youvegottenminuteslynn yes! Thank you

@Santaiscovidfree

My exh once commented during attempted meditation he felt pushed out by my periods as I didn't ever ask him to change a tampon. Vile just fucking vile. He was abusive in other ways and it struck a chord and memories reading your thread... The look on the mediator's face was one to be remembered.. Sorry if tmi.

Wtf!!! So glad he's your ex - what a twat.

@Santaiscovidfree

My exh once commented during attempted meditation he felt pushed out by my periods as I didn't ever ask him to change a tampon. Vile just fucking vile. He was abusive in other ways and it struck a chord and memories reading your thread... The look on the mediator's face was one to be remembered.. Sorry if tmi.

Oh my god what an absolute arsehole! That's fucking mental! So far gone he thought the mediator would feel sorry for him, poor lamb. Ugh glad you're out now

@Silenceisgolden20

As an adult, locking a bathroom needs no explanation. Even if it has been 10 years. (Which by the way is weird anyway) His reaction was completely ott

This ^ Even if you have previously not locked your bathroom door, it should be obvious that if you say “hang on” behind a closed/locked bathroom door then you’re in the middle of something toilety. Plus, as Op has said it’s not just about the locked door.

He tried to deny he had anger issues - his drink driving conviction was brought up (lost his licence - how would he collect dc?) I may have mentioned I had reported him..
He tried to strangle me across the table.
Mediator refused the session. Straight to court...

It's not good to be controlled like this,and your partner needs to know this. If he thinks that your privacy is not important, then something is badly wrong. If he shouts,gets angry,and goes in moods when you disobey things, then he has big problems.

You cant set boundaries for narcissists though OP. Which hs what he is(or similar). Boundaries are just challenges to them.

You are describing someone who has no empathy and enjoys your suffering. That's what ot boulder down to op. Normal people dont go about bribging ppl down deliberately and smirking when they succeed.

I don't know how you can bathe a moment longer junder the same roof a someone who essentially, wants to crush you.

@Chambored exactly! It could be many reasons, many of which don't need much imagination. Even if it was just to get 5 minutes privacy it would still be ok