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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DF called me to advise me against getting married

318 replies

Fressia123 · 21/01/2021 16:26

As per title, my DF says that money changes everything and since there's no separation of assets in the UK I simply shouldn't get married. (The wedding is in April). Not completely unexpected but still a bit but that he actually said that.

OP posts:
user1493329086 · 22/01/2021 03:27

Same here OP, wealthy parents and I am an only child, family assets etc. Ever since I met my boyfriend my parents always think he is after our money when he is not, we are together because of love, they are just being paranoid. There is no way I can prove to my parents his intentions are genuine.

My parents even went a step too far than your father, they changed their will so I am no longer the beneficiary, it’s now in my uncles name, as they wanted to err on the side of caution in case they get “murdered” if I am with someone that wants to steal their estate/inheritance. I don’t need their money anyway as I would rather be poor and be with my other half.

I used to be very close to my parents, our relationship have soured because of the constant arguments on this. I wish there weren’t any money issues, then everything would be so much more simpler, our family would be happier.

I can understand how you are feeling OP as this is happening to me too, very frustrating.

silentpool · 22/01/2021 04:06

Sorry OP, another one checking in to report an ex with a personality transplant upon divorce. Do not put your assets at risk. You will not regret getting good advice in this case.

BlueThistles · 22/01/2021 04:25

@user1493329086

Same here OP, wealthy parents and I am an only child, family assets etc. Ever since I met my boyfriend my parents always think he is after our money when he is not, we are together because of love, they are just being paranoid. There is no way I can prove to my parents his intentions are genuine.

My parents even went a step too far than your father, they changed their will so I am no longer the beneficiary, it’s now in my uncles name, as they wanted to err on the side of caution in case they get “murdered” if I am with someone that wants to steal their estate/inheritance. I don’t need their money anyway as I would rather be poor and be with my other half.

I used to be very close to my parents, our relationship have soured because of the constant arguments on this. I wish there weren’t any money issues, then everything would be so much more simpler, our family would be happier.

I can understand how you are feeling OP as this is happening to me too, very frustrating.

😱 😱 😱

Cheongfan · 22/01/2021 04:26

OP as others have said please see a lawyer here. It doesn't matter whether he's allowed to get the properties under the law of your home country. They may be considered part of the pot on divorce (depends on length of marriage etc). This means you run the risk of an English court saying 'She has 1m of assets in X country and they have 1m of assets in England so the DH gets all the English assets'. Not that simple obviously but this is why you need legal advice from someone other than your family notary who clearly doesn't know what they're talking about!

Also listen to Collaborate who is a family lawyer ☺️ I'm not.

Askedforafriend · 22/01/2021 04:54

I wouldn't get married in your circumstances particularly as the assets are nkt solely yours to lose but family assets as well. People change and money makes people nasty. My exH turned really nasty and put claims on properties abroad he knew were in my name solely for family reasons. I think disentangle yourself from the family assets if you want to go ahead. You are not a safe guardian for them anymore.

tootysweety · 22/01/2021 05:16

Why do you need to get married!! Don’t do it! He’s already been divorced once. Have you seen the statistics for second marriages. You are sleep walking into a disaster

garlictwist · 22/01/2021 05:47

The whole point of marriage is what's mine is yours. So I agree with your dad that if you're not prepared to split your assets in divorce you shouldn't do it.

I am not married but have a long term partner for precisely this reason.

Getting married only suits the lower earner.

namechangefail2020 · 22/01/2021 05:54

Such a bitter thread (not you OP)

Sethy38 · 22/01/2021 06:06

Read a past post of yours op

You say your partner has said he won’t find you attractive if you put on weight and get to a size 18. You have suffered weight issues in the past so a particularly insensitive comment.

Given this, he sounds a bit of a twat anyway so cut your losses and run

Original poster
Fressia123 · 22/01/2021 06:21

I have been married and divorced here in England (length of marriage 8 years) and the property abroad is still untouched. I don't think why in this case it would be any different.

OP posts:
Cheongfan · 22/01/2021 06:24

How did you agree on a financial settlement in your last divorce? How much of a fight was there over the financials?

Original poster
Fressia123 · 22/01/2021 06:37

It was just our joint was, equity was split. I had a charge on the house (we didn't want to sell it). When I bought my current house I asked for the rest of the money and the charge was released. It was no issue whatsoever.

OP posts:
ShadowPuppeteer · 22/01/2021 07:17

Your trusted lawyer doesn’t know what he’s talking about, I’m afraid. If you were to get divorced in England or Wales, it is that jurisdiction that applies and international law has nothing to do with it. Assets in other countries may be counted as part of the matrimonial pot, and they very often are.

In making its decision, the court will look at all the circumstances of the case. A good starting point, if you want to understand the court’s approach, is s25 Matrimonial Causes Act 1973.

I look forward to the day when Mumsnet have a sticky thread on the financial implications of divorce (and of having children without getting married) as there is a woeful lack of understanding in the population at large. In fact, it should be taught at school.

Cosmos123 · 22/01/2021 07:36

Transfer all assets back to family and start the marriage on equal financial setting. Make it together.
If he dont want to do that then run.

Iam concerned to read your previous post regarding comments about your weight. Are you sure he ain't an arse.

Original poster
Fressia123 · 22/01/2021 07:47

My family would have to accept that and they won't so... Anyways we met when I was a size 4-6 (I was marathon training at the time). He's always been very honest that he doesn't like bigger ladies, which is fine I in the end don't like larger men. I think at my biggest I was a 16 and now I'm naturally an 8-10. Its not like comments about it (if at all!) He can be blunt sometimes but that's more a personal trait than anything else.

OP posts:
Isthisit22 · 22/01/2021 07:59

@Fressia123

It was just our joint was, equity was split. I had a charge on the house (we didn't want to sell it). When I bought my current house I asked for the rest of the money and the charge was released. It was no issue whatsoever.
Can't you understand that you were lucky that your last husband just accepted this?

Many people on this thread are trying to get you to open your eyes to the fact that in UK law your husband would be entitled to some (possibly half) of All of your assets, even predating marriage.

If you don't believe us speak to a different solicitor in the UK. You are naively sleep walking into disaster.

Isthisit22 · 22/01/2021 07:59

Plus your fiance sounds like a dick if he even mentions weight once

Original poster
Fressia123 · 22/01/2021 08:01

When I got divorced that solicitor told me that because they predated marriage by quite some time and they were never used as a joint pot, he'd never have a claim, that plus what our lawyer told me at home made me fairly confident about it all.

Personality wise my exH is a lot more of a money grabber than my DP.

OP posts:
TSBelliot · 22/01/2021 08:04

Well don’t worry about it OP. It’s only money - I mean it’s not yours it just became yours. It’s not even that much to you. Don’t worry if accurate legal advice here contradicts your understanding. You are right - your partner would never screw you over, that only happens to other people. He restrained himself well last divorce when he didn’t go after any of the non existent assets.

If you can’t talk about this, can’t have a legal arrangement that protects these assets for you, your dad and your child then wanting to be Mrs and the white dress is a costly mistake for more than one reason.

Original poster
Fressia123 · 22/01/2021 08:14

@TSBelliot but I've been through a divorce before, same properties were involved. O got divorced here. He'd have to prove I own the other properties without a legal team (and understanding the language it would be hard).

I've never said anything about not having a prenup, on fact my family has said to get married back home as there's separation of assets there. We do plan to move there in 8-9 years.

It's also that I'm realistic about what he'd be able to do in my home country. And obviously that my dad is just being difficult because last time I still owned the same stuff BUT a) he saw getting British citizenship as a good thing b) he had better career prospects. So it's not like my DF is being fair here, he just doesn't find it as "convenient".

OP posts:
ShadowPuppeteer · 22/01/2021 08:16

It is true that assets obtained by one of the parties years before the marriage which are never used as joint assets might not be considered to be matrimonial assets. However, ALL the circumstances are taken into account. Consequently, where the matrimonial pot is a small one and the needs of the family exceed the matrimonial assets e.g. where both the parties need to house themselves and their children, assets which one party has which are not considered to be matrimonial assets may still be taken into account and may result in that party getting a smaller share of the joint assets. Does that make sense?

Hazelnutlatteplease · 22/01/2021 08:17

You were very lucky in your first marriage. But it was just luck.

I had similar. A family member warned me before my marriage. Massive bust up. He wasn't like that blah blah blah.

I married him anyway.

As it turned out he wasn't just a shit, he was a criminally fraudulent shit. I had known him around 10 years on marriage I had no clue. He didnt need a divorce to funnel out the money, he did it within the marriage. He was able to because we were married.

I was lucky I only lost the equity and wasn't landed with debt or worse.

I sit here now in a mortgaged house that's worth less than the equity I'd have had if just hadn't married.

The risk is real. Have the party make vows to each other. Just dont sign the legal paperwork.

ShadowPuppeteer · 22/01/2021 08:18

Why would he not have a legal team? Or access to translators?

NavyFlask · 22/01/2021 08:33

Because he is poor, has children to support, and does not have many earning prospects. (According to OP, I don't know these people!)

LionLily · 22/01/2021 08:36

Well many women will testify that they knew their dp inside out, that he just wasn't like that, he wasn't a money grabber etc etc.....until the cock started twitching in another direction, or a new friend introduced him to the white powder, or a fifty quid win on the National convinced him he could become a professional gambler...
My advice to your dp would be (as it would to many women on here) marry her for your future security whether the marriage lasts or not. But it's not your dp asking for advice. It's you. So either don't marry him or get a prenup, a marriage and a divorce in a country that supports separation of assets.