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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DF called me to advise me against getting married

318 replies

Fressia123 · 21/01/2021 16:26

As per title, my DF says that money changes everything and since there's no separation of assets in the UK I simply shouldn't get married. (The wedding is in April). Not completely unexpected but still a bit but that he actually said that.

OP posts:
C0NNIE · 21/01/2021 21:41

You need specialist legal advice from a solicitor who practices in the country you will live in. And if you move to another country, you need to check the law there first.

I can see why your father is worried because you seem astonishingly naive about marriage and divorce. You also mention casually about transferring assets to your child, without seeming to understand the implications of this.

Although this money is in your name, you haven’t earned it have you? It was earned by your family, your parents and grandparents. Please show respect for them and what they have done for you and get this all sorted legally.

They must feel very hurt that you are so casual about possibly losing all their hard earned money. I have left my assets to my children but in a way that is protected - reading your thread makes me very glad that I did.

I’m sure your fiancé loves you and not your money and will have no problem with you dealing with these matters properly and signing a pre nup, if that’s relevant where you live.

billy1966 · 21/01/2021 21:44

@cittabassa

billy1966 You claim OP wrote:

He took his last wife for more than he should have.....

What OP actually wrote was:

They had no assets, but he acknowledged their joint debt and took more than his share

My apologies, I misread. Thank you.
NailsNeedDoing · 21/01/2021 21:45

What does your Mum think?

Cosmos123 · 21/01/2021 21:48

What's the point in getting married.
Just live together. I'm sure he wont mind.
If he does red flag.
What's an actual marriage going to add anyways??
You have a ceremony of some sort to show you are United and together without an actual marriage.
Listen to your DF.

Original poster
Fressia123 · 21/01/2021 21:48

My DM? Well she thinks that a) putting in the babies name, b) having been divorced and not have had an issue, c) getting into this type of lawsuit would cost tons of money (to start with) that he wouldn't have.. makes everything OK for now.

My DM is also super pissed off with my DF and she thinks he should mind his own business.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fressia123 · 21/01/2021 21:51

Obviously he doesn't mind just living together in fact he has no rush to get married.

OP posts:
ImsorryWilson · 21/01/2021 21:55

“Not great...”

I’d give anything to have a sister.

Honestly it seems like your family life is through a money lense. That is the problem.
The whole bloody point of money is to forget about money, not to be shackled to it.

And I agree your dad is just annoyed because he thought he was in control and that your money was his.

Mymymble · 21/01/2021 21:59

Mishcon de Reya. Expensive but the best. They did my divorce.
And please listen to us all, OP, you owe it to yourself, your parents, possibly your sister, possibly your future kids. Hugs.

Cosmos123 · 21/01/2021 21:59

Sorry but you are naive.

But you got the advise and now you make your bed.
If the man truly loves you he wont mind you not getting married.

But if you want to lose half then out a ring on in.
you can kiss your assets goodbye.

Namechangeforte · 21/01/2021 22:02

@unmarkedbythat

MN is always exhorting women to marry, and here the opposite is true. How strange.
Mumsnet always advises women to be financially secure to ensure they don’t marry into financial oblivion, obvious by a lot of stories posted here. Women still take the financial hit when they have children. OP can have a clean financial arrangement with her partner without jeopardising her family’s hard work. If there is a huge financial disparity, marriage becomes a very tricky situation. Why bother?
Cosmos123 · 21/01/2021 22:03

And if he 'obviously doesn't mind ' just living together why are you in such a rush?
And if you didnt have the slightest concerns you would not have posted on MN.
You looking for reassurances. But statistics dont lie. Most marriages fail with things turning bitter and ugly.
Dont be a fool.

mathanxiety · 21/01/2021 22:22

...but I know him and I'll know he'll at least respect my money, so to speak.

You don't really know a man until you get embroiled in divorce proceedings with him.

I suspect either you didn't hear any caveats your family lawyer expressed or your family lawyer isn't completely up on UK property/marriage law and its multitudinous nuances.
Talk to a high net worth family law/divorce solicitor based in London. YY to Mishcon de Reya.

If your man really loves you he won't mind you ring fencing your property and assets. Are you concerned that any indication on your part that you are using your head here will be misinterpreted by your fiance as an indication your heart is not 100% with him?

EmptyOrchestra · 21/01/2021 22:42

To clarify, your father signs over ownership of his own home and business to avoid tax, then uses this as a reason you shouldn’t get married?

Transfer them back to your parents - let them pay their own taxes and retain control of their own assets. Awful behaviour from your parents.

Whether you should get married or not is up to you based on your circumstances- you shouldn’t have the added pressure of worrying about your parents home and business too.

Mymymble · 21/01/2021 22:47

And you can always blame your Dad asked you to do it for fear of losing his home/business/ranch. It would take a hard-hearted DP to feel resentment towards you or your Dad for that.

ImsorryWilson · 21/01/2021 22:48

This!

“To clarify, your father signs over ownership of his own home and business to avoid tax, then uses this as a reason you shouldn’t get married?

Transfer them back to your parents - let them pay their own taxes and retain control of their own assets. Awful behaviour from your parents. ‘

Etotheipiplus1equals0 · 21/01/2021 22:53

So this thread seems to be saying that a rich person should never marry a poor person...

Mymymble · 21/01/2021 23:31

Wow. I posted before I read the full thread. OP, you're planning to give half of both your parents' homes to someone else? What'll happen to them then if things go bad?
However miserly they may be about paying taxes, does your relationship with them deserve taking this risk?
Sure this wouldn't likely happen if you're only married a couple of years. But 10? 20? If I was your Dad I'd be howling to the moon with fear. Not that he's not culpable or a mean tax avoider but I'm worried for you, even if your bloke's totally lovely, people change.

Mymymble · 21/01/2021 23:40

Okay, sorry, a quarter of their two houses. But that's enough of a hit to make them lose their homes, particularly if he gets a quarter of the business.

Ballstothis148 · 21/01/2021 23:43

Oh get a pre nup. Costs less than a divorce!! Loads of people get them now, I know several who have and had mid level jobs (not on mega bucks at all). They did it for certainty and to save heartbreak down the line. You just never know

TorringtonDean · 22/01/2021 00:09

Pre-nups don’t hold water in court. Yes anyone with a decent amount of assets should not marry someone without. In fact anyone with potential of earning a decent amount shouldn’t marry someone else full stop. Nothing wrong with marriage of course but divorce is a stinker!

VanGoghsDog · 22/01/2021 00:21

Put the ranch and business back in your dad's name, put the house back in your mum's name, sell the flat and gift the money to your son. Get married with equal assets to your new partner.

Let your parents worry about the tax instead of worrying about your husband.

But, in your shoes, I'd do the above and still not get married, personally.

Hawkins001 · 22/01/2021 00:24

I would get legal.advice over here to be on the safe side, personally give your partner has already been married once, personally I'd be more risk adverse and give it time, to see if he really is serious about you or weather he just sees the ££

Hawkins001 · 22/01/2021 00:26

@Ballstothis148

Oh get a pre nup. Costs less than a divorce!! Loads of people get them now, I know several who have and had mid level jobs (not on mega bucks at all). They did it for certainty and to save heartbreak down the line. You just never know
Usually these days the prenups either get ingored by the judge or they get overuled
Hawkins001 · 22/01/2021 00:30

@Fressia123

Obviously he doesn't mind just living together in fact he has no rush to get married.
I'd use this to see if he truly means what he says by putting the wedding on hold, at least then you will have an idea of his intentions, to me, never let love stand in the way of business, love fades for one reason or another, if the business is strong, don't let it be destroyed from a divorce.
NavyFlask · 22/01/2021 01:22

@Fressia123

We've been together for three + years. Have a house and a baby... And he had no rush to get married! Anyways it's my second marriage and my exH couldn't take any of the property abroad, so I know it isn't that easy.
But were your first marriage and first divorce in your home country, or in England? As people are saying- divorce law is different around the world, and as your fiance is English, I'm pretty sure should he wish to file for divorce, it will be in England, under English law.