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Original poster

DP happy to sit back and struggle with house renovation

164 replies

PandoraRocks · 21/01/2021 13:38

A bit of background. DP and I are in our 50s. We have a good business together but live apart. We have been together for a long time, well over 10 years.
He wouldn't move into my previous house because he didn't like the area and he won't move in with me now because 'I might throw him out'. I've inherited my parents' house where I currently live - large detached on a big plot. He's wanted me to sell this ever since they died and get a place together in a different area. I'm not keen because we've split up twice, his house is small and dilapidated and I like my house and area.

I've started renovating my house as it needs a lot of work. DP used to be a builder/plasterer years ago and is very skilled and knowledgeable. He has done work for me on a rental property in the past and I paid him.
However, he said he wont help with my house renovation because there's 'nothing in it for him', it would just increase the value of my property and I won't sell it anyway. I might sell sometime but surely thats up to me. I'm in no rush.
I've painted the outside, with DP help for which I paid him 2/3 of the going rate. I guess he did this for the money I've replaced the windows. But from then on, its been a nightmare. Cowboy builders and a half finished small extension. I've left that till the weather improves and started on the inside. I've just had a stud wall done by a carpenter and that's not up standard.

Honestly I am so pissed off and upset that DP can watch me struggling and losing money when he could help me. What a contrast to the way he treats other people - helping friends with cheap jobs, running around for weeks trying to find and pay for a bloody car for his married, adult daughter. She only has to click her fingers and Daddy comes running. But he can listen to me crying on the phone and say 'well tradesmen don't give a shit about you'.
I'm seriously worried I'm just going to go through money as its so so hard to find decent tradesmen. I've got one and he won't help me. I'm in despair. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
PandoraRocks · 21/01/2021 13:39

'Watch me struggle with renovation' should read.

OP posts:
Thatsmycupoftea · 21/01/2021 13:43

I mean this nicely but what do you get out of this relationship? What does he actually bring to your life that makes it better?
He sounds like a waste of your time and effort.

Sorry can't advise on the trades people but maybe post on a local community page and ask for references.

HollowTalk · 21/01/2021 13:44

Why on earth are you with this man? He doesn't give a shit about you. Thank god he's not living with you.

7yo7yo · 21/01/2021 13:47

Why are you with him?

Shoxfordian · 21/01/2021 13:51

What’s the point of the relationship?

AnarchicLemming · 21/01/2021 13:52

OP He's given you the answer loud and clear: "won't help because there's nothing in it for him".

That's love, is it? If it was his house and you had the skills he needed, would you say that to him?

disappear · 21/01/2021 13:54

However, he said he wont help with my house renovation because there's 'nothing in it for him',

He actually said that to you? Shock

cheeseandworcestershireontoast · 21/01/2021 13:54

He sounds awful to you OP. DP is a plasterer and whilst he does get a bit fed up of people asking him for free labour, it’d be a completely different story if it was one of our immediate family members and they needed our help. I can’t believe he knows you’re in such a crap position and just doesn’t care. You deserve better Flowers

ScrapThatThen · 21/01/2021 13:56

It sounds like a lot of conflict, some of it centered on the property itself. If you are in it together for the long haul there would be a shared life plan with compromises on both sides. And it would be less transactional. I'm trying to flip it - if he requested your work skills in your free time for an enterprise that was contrary to what you wanted in life would you give them freely? I think he could be a bit helpful but he's obviously decided to draw a boundary.

Techway · 21/01/2021 14:01

Not helping is his way of punishing you for not doing what he wants.

I think you have to accept that you are not in a committed relationship and he feels he doesn't owe you anything. You have split up twice before...why do you keep going back?

On the project, you have to be sensible and practical. Are you realistically able to do the project solo, do you have the time and money? Were you banking on his help?

House projects are very stressy but with the right people and budget it should get there in the end. Don't under estimate the cost..use the property section on MN or other forums to get realistic feedback on your budget. If you have enough money you will get there. I assume that when you renovate you will make more for the house. Otherwise think carefully about what you do and if it will be worth it in the long run, especially if it's only you living there.

Happycow · 21/01/2021 14:01

Sounds like he doesn't want to help because he doesn't want you living there and is having a strop Confused

Theunamedcat · 21/01/2021 14:04

He is not worth it leave him and his small house too it

Go on Facebook get recommended tradespeople in and get your money back from the rip off merchants you have hired

PegasusReturns · 21/01/2021 14:11

It’s difficult to imagine a set of circumstances where I wouldn’t try and help someone I loved out.

I’d think very carefully about what you get from this relationship as this is bigger than him simply not helping you. He’s trying to force your hand into moving with him to an area you’re not keen on - that’s manipulative and deeply unpleasant.

tara66 · 21/01/2021 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Happynow001 · 21/01/2021 14:17

Thank goodness you are not married to this uncaring, manipulative person. Imagine how much worse your situation would be?

He wants what he wants and doesn't seem interested in your relationship at all. Please reread the points you've written about how he treats you, and value yourself more than your "Partner" does and get yourself completely free of him. 🌹

tara66 · 21/01/2021 14:18

Can you get people off rated work men sites like mybuilder.com where you can read reviews about work men but the site may not be as big as it used to be but there are other sites too - like - diynot.co.uk - where you can ask for advice. I found I had to study all aspects of a job and know about it - before taking on any tradesman to do it.

Cockenspiel · 21/01/2021 14:19

Why are you with someone who clearly doesn't value you at all?

00100001 · 21/01/2021 14:23

You've split up twice?
You live separately?
You have to pay him to help you out?
He sits by and lets you struggle?

Split up and third time and make it stick.

Original poster
PandoraRocks · 21/01/2021 14:23

Thank you for your comments. Yes I do have the money to do the project, it's just that there are such a load of wanker tradesmen out there. Even when you get reviews or recommendations the people aren't always reliable as I've found.
The reason I wanted DP to help me was because I know he would do the work to a very high standard. I never expected him to work for nothing.

OP posts:
00100001 · 21/01/2021 14:27

Well, My DH works on our house without being paid. He also doesn't charge his family. Or his closest friends.

This man is supposed to love you more than anyone else in the entire world,and he can't be bothered to help you with something that he is more than capable of.... And then he begrudgingly does it if he gets paid by you?

You've been together10 years...not 10 months... He needs to step up or fuck off.

notthemum · 21/01/2021 14:27

OP. Please read your thread as if it was your friend asking your opinion. I think you may tell her to look on line or check a trade for decent companies with excellent references.
Next your "DP" won't help you because there is nothing in it for him ?
He doesn't want to live with you in the house, He wants you to sell your house and buy somewhere together in a place that He wants to live in.
Then you can't throw him out ? Why would he even be thinking that way ? Why couldn't his married daughter buy her own car. Even if you buy somewhere together you will probably have more money left than He will unless he expects you to pay for everything.
Hopefully you are and will remain well, but what if anything happened and one of you had to go into care, the house may have to be sold to pay for it. What if his daughter decides that she needs to move out, will you be stuck with her family as well ?
Please don't give up your home.
Especially for someone who isn't interested in you or your welfare and appears to be with you for what he can get.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, he doesn't love you or respect you. You can do so much better 🍷 💐

StephenBelafonte · 21/01/2021 14:29

You need to ask for personal recommedations only. that means the people recommending have had work done themselves, otherwise, when you ask for a recommendation people just recommend their uncle/brother-in-law/dad etc etc in order to give them the work.

Just purely out of interest, when did he last buy you a bunch of flowers?

TheFnozwhowasmirage · 21/01/2021 14:36

Blimey! I wouldn't see a friend or neighbour struggle if there was something that I could do to help them,and thus is a man that supposedly loves you.
Get rid of him,get recommendations from friends for tradespeople and check them out on Google ( not Facebook as bad reviews can be removed by the page owners). Also specify exactly what the job requires in writing to anyone quoting,and reinforce that when you accept their quote. Whereabouts are you,we built a house last year,as did two other family members,so have a list of decent traders.

Floomobal · 21/01/2021 14:38

Sorry, but DP is not the correct term. This man is not your “partner”. He is your boyfriend, and nothing more. His attitude and behaviour confirms that.

I would seriously reconsider being in a relationship with a man who is so selfish and uncaring.

Bluntness100 · 21/01/2021 14:42

God I can’t imagine my husband ever having behaved this way

Why is your bar so low. He won’t help because there is nothing in it for him and you need to pay him when he does help you?

He’s not your partner, he’s some bloke you shag.