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Original poster

DP happy to sit back and struggle with house renovation

164 replies

PandoraRocks · 21/01/2021 13:38

A bit of background. DP and I are in our 50s. We have a good business together but live apart. We have been together for a long time, well over 10 years.
He wouldn't move into my previous house because he didn't like the area and he won't move in with me now because 'I might throw him out'. I've inherited my parents' house where I currently live - large detached on a big plot. He's wanted me to sell this ever since they died and get a place together in a different area. I'm not keen because we've split up twice, his house is small and dilapidated and I like my house and area.

I've started renovating my house as it needs a lot of work. DP used to be a builder/plasterer years ago and is very skilled and knowledgeable. He has done work for me on a rental property in the past and I paid him.
However, he said he wont help with my house renovation because there's 'nothing in it for him', it would just increase the value of my property and I won't sell it anyway. I might sell sometime but surely thats up to me. I'm in no rush.
I've painted the outside, with DP help for which I paid him 2/3 of the going rate. I guess he did this for the money I've replaced the windows. But from then on, its been a nightmare. Cowboy builders and a half finished small extension. I've left that till the weather improves and started on the inside. I've just had a stud wall done by a carpenter and that's not up standard.

Honestly I am so pissed off and upset that DP can watch me struggling and losing money when he could help me. What a contrast to the way he treats other people - helping friends with cheap jobs, running around for weeks trying to find and pay for a bloody car for his married, adult daughter. She only has to click her fingers and Daddy comes running. But he can listen to me crying on the phone and say 'well tradesmen don't give a shit about you'.
I'm seriously worried I'm just going to go through money as its so so hard to find decent tradesmen. I've got one and he won't help me. I'm in despair. AIBU?

OP posts:
callmeadoctor · 21/01/2021 15:52

Does he love you, OP?

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/01/2021 15:54

He's got you right where he wants you hasnt he?

You do all this stuff for him, pay his debts and he wont do a thing to help you.

If he proposes for goodness sake say NO! I suspect all he sees when he looks at you is pound signs. He wants you to sell your home, buy another that suits him better and that he has half a claim on so when you split up he will take half of your mothers money, YOUR money.

Get rid, he is an arsehole.

Viviennemary · 21/01/2021 15:56

I think he's right not to want to do repairs on a house he won't ever own. It doesn't look as if this relationship is going anywhere.

Nowstrong · 21/01/2021 15:58

So he watches you struggle and makes unhelpful comments. That is not how a loving or caring partner should behave. Unfortunately shows the flaws in your relationship. That he won't help you is one thing. However, he could at least point you into the right direction for finding tradesmen that would do a decent job. Personally I would leave. Perhaps you should have another think about your relationship. Take care.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/01/2021 15:59

This is what it’s like after more than a decade. I can’t even imagine.

You sound stressed and miserable. He’s not making you happy. He could help to ease your worries and is actively choosing not to.

I agree with PP that he’s punishing you for not selling up to suit him. It’s really ugly.

He’s so angry or resentful of you that he’d literally rather help a cheating ex than his partner of 10 years. If that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know I can’t see what will.

rwalker · 21/01/2021 16:03

I complexity get having a trade and can't be arsed it's a nightmare and tbh can't be arsed to do it in my own house.
All that said have you ben direct and said will you do bathroom I will pay £xxx and work 2 days for you .

rwalker · 21/01/2021 16:03

completely (spell check)

00100001 · 21/01/2021 16:10

@Parkperson

I must admit, I cannot see why he would work on a house that was not his. Women on MN are constantly told not to do any childcare for stepkids and they are married to the father of the the children. He is your boyfriend not your partner and it sounds as if you don't much like him. Perhaps find a new boyfriend and check that he has the skills and inclination to work for you on your house.
Yes. If the house didn't belong to a long term partner... But they've known each other ten bloody years
LizFlowers · 21/01/2021 16:12

I think you are right to stay in your house and I do hope you will find good trades people to help with the renovations. That is such a pain which I know from experience.

Presumably you have some good times with boyfriend. Enjoy those and forget about living together which is not the be all and end all. Many relationships thrive on living apart.

Good luck.

PersonaNonGarter · 21/01/2021 16:12

He sort of hates you. Like he wants to teach you a lesson or something.

Bin him.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/01/2021 16:13

"But he can listen to me crying on the phone and say 'well tradesmen don't give a shit about you'."

And there's an unspoken 'and neither do I' at the end of that sentence, isn't there Sad?

"We have a good business together but live apart."
What kind of business?

poorbuthappy · 21/01/2021 16:13

You have a joint business?
And you've done him favours with computer work that he hates?
So you are in business with him doing this trade work and you run the books?
This is weird.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/01/2021 16:15

@PandoraRocks

@Dddccc not expecting him to work on his days off as we have a joint business and I would just do the extra days. I'm not doing it to add value, I just want those things, you know, that make a house comfortable - a boiler and central heating, an upstairs bathroom Confused. I also paid off his vehicle a few years ago when he was struggling.
Let me guess, you add more value to the business than he. Seriously. Get rid of this millstone.
NoMoreMuchin · 21/01/2021 16:16

I think you were extremely smart not to sell the house when you inherited... You have really looked after yourself there. I would be reluctant to buy with him, and to be honest he has done you a favour by not moving in. Had he done so, and done work to the property, he could have established a future claim in the equity.

If you want to live with him in future I would think about finishing your house, renting it out and renting with him.

On the tradesmen front, my dh had worked from recommendations only for about 20 years until we moved 200 miles away from home. To get work in the new area he set up a profile on My Builder, so customers can leave feedback about him. We've been here a couple of years now and he's up to about 80%of work through personal recommendations again, so probably won't need to use it after this year, but it has been really useful in helping him get established somewhere new. I think part of the reason he gets so many recommendations is because there are a lot of really crappy tradesmen about. Customers are often amazed he even turns up when he says he will and works a full day as this often isn't their experience

HTH1 · 21/01/2021 16:17

“But he can listen to me crying on the phone and say 'well tradesmen don't give a shit about you'.”

Change the word “tradesmen” to “I” and there’s your answer, OP. I wouldn’t stick with him.

I think just do your research and check online reviews as well as meeting the tradesmen in person before getting any further work done.

WhatMattersMost · 21/01/2021 16:18

I notice the OP is not answering any questions about the relationship itself. It does not bode well.

tigger001 · 21/01/2021 16:18

running around for weeks trying to find and pay for a bloody car for his married, adult daughter. She only has to click her fingers and Daddy

But you are not his daughter, its great he is still there for his daughter and she can count on him.

Are you getting references from your tradesmen ? You should it might help choosing more reliable ones if you keep getting ones that let you down.

Im not sure i would expect him to do the work even if i did pay him, mixing business and pleasure when not married isnt great, but he could help advise you on reputable tradesmen.

Fufumuji · 21/01/2021 16:19

'well tradesmen don't give a shit about you

Including him, it would seem.

Watchingbehindmyhands · 21/01/2021 16:20

Erm....you need to ask yourself what's in it for you?

But you also need to drop the bitterness towards his daughter. It's not a nice look on anyone.

OneFootintheRave · 21/01/2021 16:22

@Techway

Not helping is his way of punishing you for not doing what he wants.

I think you have to accept that you are not in a committed relationship and he feels he doesn't owe you anything. You have split up twice before...why do you keep going back?

On the project, you have to be sensible and practical. Are you realistically able to do the project solo, do you have the time and money? Were you banking on his help?

House projects are very stressy but with the right people and budget it should get there in the end. Don't under estimate the cost..use the property section on MN or other forums to get realistic feedback on your budget. If you have enough money you will get there. I assume that when you renovate you will make more for the house. Otherwise think carefully about what you do and if it will be worth it in the long run, especially if it's only you living there.

Not helping is his way of punishing you for not doing what he wants.

THIS!! And tell him that you realise what he is doing, arsehole! Stop crying on the phone to him too, he is enjoying that.

I have found mybuilder.com really good in the past.

Good luck!

LilMidge01 · 21/01/2021 16:23

@PegasusReturns

It’s difficult to imagine a set of circumstances where I wouldn’t try and help someone I loved out.

I’d think very carefully about what you get from this relationship as this is bigger than him simply not helping you. He’s trying to force your hand into moving with him to an area you’re not keen on - that’s manipulative and deeply unpleasant.

It’s difficult to imagine a set of circumstances where I wouldn’t try and help someone I loved out.

This.

which is why I can't help but think there is something else going on. OP, have you had a frank discussion with why he is willing to move in with you soemwhere else but not your parent's house? (and i mean properly talk about it and understand his feelings on the matter, not just accepting a dismissive 'its a waste of a large house' practical answer.) It sounds like there could be a deeper seated emotional reason and that maybe he is acting this way because he is feeling unheard....trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here (many men have not been taught from a young age how to express their emotions and communicate effectively- I'm not excusing it, but sounds like you're both focussing on how you feel the other person has hurt you and not how your actions may have hurt the other person....and you're both not communicating about it. As a result you both feel hurt, unheard and unloved.

earthyfire · 21/01/2021 16:24

10 years together and yet so little commitment. It doesn't sound like you're in a relationship at all.

ZippedyDooDa · 21/01/2021 16:26

This man sounds like a total knob - worse, he doesn't seem to give a shit about you! Why does he treat you, his partner, worse than he treats friends and family? That's just absurd. I've got friends who would help me out, yet this man is your supposed partner and he stands by and watches you struggle. Mind-boggling.

But - why on earth are you allowing this non-relationship to continue?

LilMidge01 · 21/01/2021 16:29

He's wanted me to sell this ever since they died and get a place together in a different area. I'm not keen because we've split up twice, his house is small and dilapidated and I like my house and area.

I can see how if this wasn't properly communicated or discussed, he might feel hurt and now also slighted that you want him to help on a house whilst havign dismissed his attempts at having a new life together with you.....He definitely isn't expressing it well, and is dealing with his emotions childishly...but it does sound like you've hurt him

tinselearedcow · 21/01/2021 16:31

God, the very least he could do is help you find reliable tradespeople. He must have lots of contacts if he's in the building trade. What a horrible man.

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