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Original poster

DP happy to sit back and struggle with house renovation

164 replies

PandoraRocks · 21/01/2021 13:38

A bit of background. DP and I are in our 50s. We have a good business together but live apart. We have been together for a long time, well over 10 years.
He wouldn't move into my previous house because he didn't like the area and he won't move in with me now because 'I might throw him out'. I've inherited my parents' house where I currently live - large detached on a big plot. He's wanted me to sell this ever since they died and get a place together in a different area. I'm not keen because we've split up twice, his house is small and dilapidated and I like my house and area.

I've started renovating my house as it needs a lot of work. DP used to be a builder/plasterer years ago and is very skilled and knowledgeable. He has done work for me on a rental property in the past and I paid him.
However, he said he wont help with my house renovation because there's 'nothing in it for him', it would just increase the value of my property and I won't sell it anyway. I might sell sometime but surely thats up to me. I'm in no rush.
I've painted the outside, with DP help for which I paid him 2/3 of the going rate. I guess he did this for the money I've replaced the windows. But from then on, its been a nightmare. Cowboy builders and a half finished small extension. I've left that till the weather improves and started on the inside. I've just had a stud wall done by a carpenter and that's not up standard.

Honestly I am so pissed off and upset that DP can watch me struggling and losing money when he could help me. What a contrast to the way he treats other people - helping friends with cheap jobs, running around for weeks trying to find and pay for a bloody car for his married, adult daughter. She only has to click her fingers and Daddy comes running. But he can listen to me crying on the phone and say 'well tradesmen don't give a shit about you'.
I'm seriously worried I'm just going to go through money as its so so hard to find decent tradesmen. I've got one and he won't help me. I'm in despair. AIBU?

OP posts:
WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 21/01/2021 14:44

Speaking very logically, I can understand why he would refuse to help you do something that he doesn't want you to do.

But the other side of it is, why are you with someone who is more of an annoying stroppy boyfriend, than a partner? Partnerships just do not feel like this or play out like this.

My dp has helped me and supported me when I've had to do things that he thought were silly, because he trusts my judgment and wants the best for me. Can you say the same for this guy?

Hes been quite clear with you about who he is as a person. You might be a teeny bit U to expect him to suddenly be a different person and partner. The real issue here is, why are you with someone who makes you feel this shit?

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 21/01/2021 14:44

Well, he's a dick! It's normal to want to help the person you love. It's normal to want to live with and support the person you love. It's not normal to behave the way he's behaving. I think you're so used to it you're normalising it. He's a selfish dick. I certainly wouldn't be selling my house to pool resources with him.

Original poster
PandoraRocks · 21/01/2021 14:46

@Stephen He bought me an orchid pot plant years ago because he doesn't believe in cutting and killing flowers he says.

OP posts:
Floomobal · 21/01/2021 14:48

[quote PandoraRocks]**@Stephen He bought me an orchid pot plant years ago because he doesn't believe in cutting and killing flowers he says.[/quote]
Yep, you need to throw this one back, and try again OP

Fluffycloudland77 · 21/01/2021 14:50

Have you heard the phrase “street angel, house devil”??

Honestly he sounds awful and the last thing you need is him having any claim on that house because he’s done free work on it.

Original poster
PandoraRocks · 21/01/2021 14:51

I'm in South Wales not far from Swansea so if anyone can recommend any decent builders/carpenters then please do.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 21/01/2021 14:52

I wouldn’t expect a boyfriend with no stake in my property and who wasn’t living in it with me to carry out substantial renovation work unless I was paying them, mates rates or not. Any more than I’d expect to do regular free childcare or housework or business admin for a boyfriend to “help him out because I had the skills.”

But the operative word here is “boyfriend”. You might refer to this man as DP, but he isn’t a partner. You don’t share a home, or a life or seem to have common shared goals for your relationship and life. Stop expecting him to act like a partner when it’s clear he doesn’t want to be one.

Dashel · 21/01/2021 14:58

[quote PandoraRocks]**@Stephen He bought me an orchid pot plant years ago because he doesn't believe in cutting and killing flowers he says.[/quote]
If he eats meat that is totally an excuse to be tight and not buy you flowers. We can’t cut flowers as they will grow again but I bet he won’t think twice about buying steak.

ExtraSettings · 21/01/2021 15:05

I wouldn’t expect a boyfriend with no stake in my property and who wasn’t living in it with me to carry out substantial renovation work unless I was paying them, mates rates or not

^This.

Why didn't you want him to continue with the work and pay him, when you had already paid him to do some other stuff on the house, I'm not quite clear?

Maybe there's other stuff in the relationship that isn't right. But I wouldn't expect anyone, except very close family, to do stuff for free - even then I'd offer to pay them if I could afford it

Parkperson · 21/01/2021 15:10

I must admit, I cannot see why he would work on a house that was not his. Women on MN are constantly told not to do any childcare for stepkids and they are married to the father of the the children. He is your boyfriend not your partner and it sounds as if you don't much like him. Perhaps find a new boyfriend and check that he has the skills and inclination to work for you on your house.

Jaxhog · 21/01/2021 15:11

You don't just need a decent builder/decorator - you need a decent partner!

ExtraSettings · 21/01/2021 15:16

Or are you saying he just refused outright, payment or not. Maybe he didn't fancy doing a renovation? Sorry, OP I find your thread a bit confusing.

Also, some posters on the thread are comparing your boyfriend/partner with their husbands, which is different, as husbands and wives share finances and live together in their property.

Biscuitsanddoombar · 21/01/2021 15:17

What does he bring to your life OP, why on earth are you with him??

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2021 15:20

Do you have doormat written on your forehead?. This is what he sees you as and you're still tolerating this shit from him for your own spurious reasons.

Why are you with someone who neither loves or treats you with the respect you deserve?. Is he with you merely because you have a joint business relationship?.

Is he all you think you deserve from a relationship?. You are failing your own self here by being with this man at all. You still have a choice re this individual even now. Do not let the sunken costs fallacy here further cloud your own judgment because that enables people to keep on making poor relationship decisions. He is absolutely your poor relationship decision.

Dddccc · 21/01/2021 15:21

Wow really you want him to do months of work probably giving up proper paid work to help you add value to a house he does not want to share with you or if around his paid work give up all his free time either way I would refuse too

Original poster
PandoraRocks · 21/01/2021 15:24

@ComtesseDeSpair and Extra I have never expected him to do a full renovation. I only wanted him to do those things within his skill set and was prepared to pay him as a tradesman. My point is that he can watch me struggle and cry and not help. I have done stuff for him - admin work and computer stuff which he hates. He has done loads of free work for people in the past - his ex wife who cheated on him, his sibling who swindled him etc. I don't expect free work but I was hoping he would have helped me during these lockdowns and not thrown me to the wolves metaphorically speaking.

OP posts:
Okbutnotgreat · 21/01/2021 15:36

@PandoraRocks seriously dump him, sell the house and buy a nice house that’s already done in the area you want to live in. He doesn’t sound like a keeper in any way.

SixesAndEights · 21/01/2021 15:38

This man isn't a partner for a start. And if he does all sorts for others but not you he's not much of a friend either.

He's also pretty nasty trying to firce you to sell your house.

Just think, after the two times you split, you could have met someone decent.

1forAll74 · 21/01/2021 15:39

It sounds like an odd relationship arrangement that you have, without not a lot of togetherness. He is obviously adept, to be able to do all your house things, but his reasoning for not doing so, I can well understand.

Original poster
PandoraRocks · 21/01/2021 15:42

@Dddccc not expecting him to work on his days off as we have a joint business and I would just do the extra days. I'm not doing it to add value, I just want those things, you know, that make a house comfortable - a boiler and central heating, an upstairs bathroom Confused. I also paid off his vehicle a few years ago when he was struggling.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 21/01/2021 15:43

Why are you with him? He brings nothing to your relationship. He will only do something if he benefits from it! Awful attitude.

StephenBelafonte · 21/01/2021 15:44

Whats your joint business?

rooarsome · 21/01/2021 15:45

He's a piece of work. Stubborn and manipulative!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2021 15:45

re your comment:-
"I have done stuff for him - admin work and computer stuff which he hates".

Why?. If he hates that stuff that is his problem You did not have to make it yours. I would think you were not paid for this work either.

"He has done loads of free work for people in the past - his ex wife who cheated on him, his sibling who swindled him etc".

These entitled types always have ex wife's who cheated on them and siblings who swindled them!!!!. Honestly you're being taken for a right mug here. Do you think so little of your own self that you think you deserve this crap from him even now?. It is likely that you are the main driver behind the joint business, you're probably carrying him in that too.

angelaEhen · 21/01/2021 15:48

He sounds uncaring