Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP happy to sit back and struggle with house renovation

164 replies

PandoraRocks · 21/01/2021 13:38

A bit of background. DP and I are in our 50s. We have a good business together but live apart. We have been together for a long time, well over 10 years.
He wouldn't move into my previous house because he didn't like the area and he won't move in with me now because 'I might throw him out'. I've inherited my parents' house where I currently live - large detached on a big plot. He's wanted me to sell this ever since they died and get a place together in a different area. I'm not keen because we've split up twice, his house is small and dilapidated and I like my house and area.

I've started renovating my house as it needs a lot of work. DP used to be a builder/plasterer years ago and is very skilled and knowledgeable. He has done work for me on a rental property in the past and I paid him.
However, he said he wont help with my house renovation because there's 'nothing in it for him', it would just increase the value of my property and I won't sell it anyway. I might sell sometime but surely thats up to me. I'm in no rush.
I've painted the outside, with DP help for which I paid him 2/3 of the going rate. I guess he did this for the money I've replaced the windows. But from then on, its been a nightmare. Cowboy builders and a half finished small extension. I've left that till the weather improves and started on the inside. I've just had a stud wall done by a carpenter and that's not up standard.

Honestly I am so pissed off and upset that DP can watch me struggling and losing money when he could help me. What a contrast to the way he treats other people - helping friends with cheap jobs, running around for weeks trying to find and pay for a bloody car for his married, adult daughter. She only has to click her fingers and Daddy comes running. But he can listen to me crying on the phone and say 'well tradesmen don't give a shit about you'.
I'm seriously worried I'm just going to go through money as its so so hard to find decent tradesmen. I've got one and he won't help me. I'm in despair. AIBU?

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 21/01/2021 21:06

@PandoraRocks

The thing is though that he says we don't have a future because I won't share, his words. By that he means get married and share finances which he would like. But he's got children and parents and I have nobody. My parents are dead, I'm an only child with no children. My house and savings are my only security and I'm too scared to risk it at my age in such an unequal partnership. Not being selfish just practical. This was to be a bit of a dream house for me and I'd like to live in it for a few years at least. I might well move in future but he doesn't want to wait. Always going on about getting older and his time is limited blah blah. Very depressing.
Of course he wants to share your money, because he has fuck all of his own!

He is a taker, and thats all he will ever be.

You get married, share your money with him and he runs through it quite happily. Then he gets his inheritance.....do you REALLY honestly in your heart of hearts believe that it would go into the sharing pot? Or, as I suspect, will it suddenly be his money, his decison and you will not see a penny.

BlueThistles · 21/01/2021 21:14

Of course he wants to share your money, because he has fuck all of his own!
He is a taker, and thats all he will ever be.

You get married, share your money with him and he runs through it quite happily. Then he gets his inheritance.....do you REALLY honestly in your heart of hearts believe that it would go into the sharing pot? Or, as I suspect, will it suddenly be his money, his decison and you will not see a penny.

This will big ruddy bells on 🎉

7yo7yo · 21/01/2021 21:33

I’d rather be on my own than allow myself to be used.

Florawest · 21/01/2021 21:38

He sounds like a very selfish uncaring person. I think you would be far better off without him in your life, what joy or goodness does he bring to your life.

PersonaNonGarter · 21/01/2021 22:48

Please do some online self-esteem/CBT/counselling. You might have a future with DP or you might not - but you need to start asserting yourself.

namechange5575 · 21/01/2021 23:32

Ouf well if he's refusing to work for you, at any price; and (wrt Comtesse) if he would take on a similar job for pay, then perhaps things have broken down irretrievably. It sounds like you both have a sense of being let down and disappointed by the other, consequent resentment, which is turning into bitterness. And he is maybe punishing you, by withholding something that would really help you, because he thinks that is what you are doing. That you might not think your home, security, significant finances are a fair exchange for paying him to work for you, might not be anything you can persuade him of.

If you wanted to end the relationship, would it be complicated by the business? Could it become nasty? Do you believe you could meet someone new, in time, if you wanted to, or does that make it hard to leave too?

00100001 · 22/01/2021 09:57

@PandoraRocks

@namechange I have offered to pay whatever he thinks is fair. He chose to charge me a bit less than the going rate as a concession because I'm his girlfriend and he felt sorry for me 😔 He has only slept at my house twice. Its always me travelling to his place. He won't even consider living with me until we have a joint house because I could throw him out in an argument, he says. His own place needs too much work and he doesn't have the money. He intends to auction it. But he's set to inherit a large amount from a parent anyway. He has little to do with the ex, never speaks to the sibling and is extremely bitter that he has been 'taken for a ride' by people when he has got nowhere in life (according to him).
You know that old Mumsnet saying? When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

You partner is telling you everything you need to know. He can't be bothered. He accuses you of doing things like throwing him out. Everyone is out to get him. He charges you for work. He won't commit.

Leave him. Presumably the reasons for splitting before still exist?

DeeCeeCherry · 22/01/2021 10:08

The reason I wanted DP to help me was because I know he would do the work to a very high standard. I never expected him to work for nothing

DP is decorating my home at the moment. Has also helped me with a lot of DIY. & We don't live together.

You need to stop focusing on what your "DP" doesn't do, and focus on advice from pp's on this thread re getting good tradesmen. Be prepared to read verified Trust Pilot reviews etc. Ask around. Is anyone having building works fine in your area? Ask if their tradesmen are good.

Whatever you do, don't marry that man. He doesn't have your back and he's not really your partner anyway, is he? It's not a committed relationship, he just wants his own way and what's in it for him. Otherwise, you're on your own. As you can see. He's told you. You need to "hear" what he is telling you.

If you marry him after your works are completed there'll be a lot in it for him then..rights to your home.

I read your Post twice wondering what on earth you want him for tbh

seensome · 22/01/2021 10:37

Selfish man that keeps you stuck in limbo land until unless he can marry you for your assets, I wouldn't wait around for that disaster to happen.

wilmawebb · 22/01/2021 11:23

Seriously why do you want a big house and plot on your own in your 50’s? Especially if it needs work!
Sell up and buy a lovely smaller place that needs nothing doing to it and free up some money. Buy lovely things and have a good time and get rid of your horrible partner.

sickofit39 · 22/01/2021 11:40

@Happynow001

Thank goodness you are not married to this uncaring, manipulative person. Imagine how much worse your situation would be?

He wants what he wants and doesn't seem interested in your relationship at all. Please reread the points you've written about how he treats you, and value yourself more than your "Partner" does and get yourself completely free of him. 🌹

This
sickofit39 · 22/01/2021 11:43

@Parkperson

I must admit, I cannot see why he would work on a house that was not his. Women on MN are constantly told not to do any childcare for stepkids and they are married to the father of the the children. He is your boyfriend not your partner and it sounds as if you don't much like him. Perhaps find a new boyfriend and check that he has the skills and inclination to work for you on your house.
No . Just no
GreenlandTheMovie · 22/01/2021 11:44

@wilmawebb

Seriously why do you want a big house and plot on your own in your 50’s? Especially if it needs work! Sell up and buy a lovely smaller place that needs nothing doing to it and free up some money. Buy lovely things and have a good time and get rid of your horrible partner.
Why on earth shouldn't she? The OP is in her fifties, not her eighties!

Do you actually think that big houses with large gardens are occupied by an army of under 45s? Who do you think lives in them?

Anyway, if the OP ditches this rather dull boyfriend, she might well meet someone else and fulfil your criteria for living in what is obviously a rather lovely, desirable house.

HebeJeeby · 22/01/2021 12:07

Just a thought OP, can you speak to any local letting agents and ask them which tradesmen they use? I have done this in the past and never been disappointed in the standard of work. They will usually (ime) have a list of trusted tradesmen they use for jobs. You may have to wait a while for the best ones but it will be worth it.

billy1966 · 22/01/2021 12:30

@AnarchicLemming

OP He's given you the answer loud and clear: "won't help because there's nothing in it for him".

That's love, is it? If it was his house and you had the skills he needed, would you say that to him?

Could he be any clearer.

Why are you accepting such appalling treatment by a nasty selfish pig.

Unbelievable OP.

Flowers
SleepingStandingUp · 22/01/2021 12:40

Ah so he's skint and you've got a house you own outright so he wants you to sell it, but somewhere with a chunk of that money and then get married so he's entitled to half of it all.

No op.

Just no.

He sounds like a selfish arse.

Even if he didn't want to do the work, no decent boyfriend would listen to you cry and not care enough to help. Even of it's just giving you his mates number. But because he can't get what he wants he won't help.

He's a selfish dick and you deserve better.

Princessbanana · 22/01/2021 12:55

Omg, open your eyes!!! You are wasting your best years on this absolute waste of space. He wants to marry you because when things go tits up, he can walk away with half of your money and half of your property!!! Please tell him to get lost! You will meet someone better and someone you may feel comfortable sharing your life with but this is not it, he is not it! The building work is not even relevant, well it is I suppose as it shows what kind of a person you are wasting your time with! Get a good builder, tell him to piss off and go on and upwards because he is only holding you back!

Theunamedcat · 22/01/2021 13:07

@wilmawebb

Seriously why do you want a big house and plot on your own in your 50’s? Especially if it needs work! Sell up and buy a lovely smaller place that needs nothing doing to it and free up some money. Buy lovely things and have a good time and get rid of your horrible partner.
Its her home she loves it
Embracelife · 22/01/2021 13:12

He us right tho there is nothing for him in it

Pay him the proper rate
Why should he work for you for less

His daughter will always be his daughter
You could keave him tomorrow

WildfirePonie · 22/01/2021 13:24

Sack him off OP.
You can do much better than him and you know it.

BlueThistles · 22/01/2021 13:35

@Embracelife

He us right tho there is nothing for him in it

Pay him the proper rate
Why should he work for you for less

His daughter will always be his daughter
You could keave him tomorrow

READ the thread.... 🙄

OP asked him to price the work he did... HE named HIS price.. OP didn't short change him or cheat him...

He wants OP to merge her assets with his Zero assets ... so is likely hoping OP fails in her endeavours and cave into buying a home with him... which I think would be a mistake ... 🌺

Isthisit22 · 22/01/2021 13:47

Why are you only replying to those attacking you (stupidly) and ignoring the majority who say that this man is awful? He treats you terribly and is clearly after your money.

BlueThistles · 22/01/2021 13:51

@Isthisit22

Why are you only replying to those attacking you (stupidly) and ignoring the majority who say that this man is awful? He treats you terribly and is clearly after your money.

very true... he is so not good for you 🌺

00100001 · 22/01/2021 14:23

@Embracelife

He us right tho there is nothing for him in it

Pay him the proper rate
Why should he work for you for less

His daughter will always be his daughter
You could keave him tomorrow

Harsh.

You'd charge your partner of ten years to do something you have a skill in??

wishywashywoowoo70 · 22/01/2021 14:42

@PandoraRocks

I'm in South Wales not far from Swansea so if anyone can recommend any decent builders/carpenters then please do.
I had work done by Abertawe Carpentry.

Plumbing by Aquarius
Our builder has retired now but Trubuild are good.